How to deal with jealousy after break-up?

[IThinkIAm]

Hi friends,

So my girlfriend of 4 years dumped me. I guess it was a mix of grass is greener / too young for commitment / passion lost (you are my best friend). But it's not about her, the why or if / how to get back. This is about me, about us.

Like in many cases she started dating someone shortly after (might be a rebound might be not, she got every right to do what she wants ).

I'm having great trouble with the thought of her being intimate with somebody else, physically as well as on an emotional level. It keeps me awake at night thinking were she might be what she does etc

 

I tried everything I could, no contact, no stalking (common friend told me of her dating someone), no drama, seeing friends, working out, trying to focus on anything else, hooking up with two tinder dates (it felt hollow and meaningless) but so far I'm still haunted. I hate it to just wait for the time to pass till the feelings are gone (I would like to try getting back together in a couple of months).

 

I'm interested how you are dealing with this problem, what is your story, what is your strategy?

[MissCanuck]

You really don't have too many options other than time and continuing to fill your life with interesting things. You're already doing all the right things by staying out of contact and keeping yourself busy.

 

As time passes, you will wonder less and less about her. I realize that's not the answer you were hoping to hear, but as you process the split and adjust to a new "normal" that doesn't include her, it will get easier.

 

Writing out your feelings (here or in a private journal, for example) can also help.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. What was the breakup about? She may be doing what you're doing to cope.

hooking up with two tinder dates it felt hollow and meaningless but so far I'm still haunted.

[IThinkIAm]

Well there is no specific reason like a big fight, I think somehow after 4 years we lost ourselves in everyday life, working a lot, not investing enough in our romantic relationship. In the end she couldn't picture herself being together in the future as a couple. I realised it too late and when I tried to light the fire she blocked my attempts. So I guess hookups and rebounds are a way for her to feel this excitement and fire she thought she couldn't find in the relationship.

[Fever]

The idea of my ex having sex and sharing emotions with someone else hurts like a mofo, there is no denying it.

 

The only way to deal with it, is to not think about her at all, ever again. Shes got to become a stranger, who I never even hear anything about. That's the way it was in the old days anyway, before phones and social media- you're out of someones life, you're gone for good.

 

We split up about 9 months ago, and the first few months were living hell. Now, I still think about her, but I am more angry than sad. The pain hurts more when you still love them, and the idea she is now being intimate with someone else, matters less because I actively hate her for her betrayal. I know for sure I cant go back to feeling how I felt in those first few months.

 

I think you have to get rid of that hope that you'll get back together in a couple of months, because that's whats keeping you in hurt. You're holding onto your love for her, and that's why you're mentally torturing yourself with the idea of your love object with another man. You have to let go and forget her. It's sad, believe me I know, but it's the only road out of hell.

[Wiseman2]

It seems you've identified the problems and causes for the breakup. Go no contact. If her freedom ride gets boring she may come back, but do not beg, plead, etc. Use this time to retool yourself. Delete her from social media.

I guess it was a mix of grass is greener / too young for commitment / passion lost (you are my best friend).

[GoodGumbo]

Okay, im in a similar situation but ten times worse I think because he is in my circle of friends and he is bringing her around us and I can't say anything because special circumstances... It has to do with a separation and suicidal ex.. So she doesn't know he was with me when he met her.. I can't say anything to her and let on... He also tells everyone he isn't sleeping with her either but i found out he was and broke up with him... So, I see her all the time and my friends who know nothing about us mention in passing that they were hanging out here or there together...So, i am constantly aware of his actions... I don't facebook them or instagram or text or anything.. It is just my situation to know. I torture myself with this knowledge. This morning i did a "Cascading Why" exercise on my feelings about this... What you do is you ask yourself Why about your feelings until you can't go anymore.... You realize the worst case scenario isnt that bad and it makes you face it.. This is something how mine went..

 

Why does it bother you to know he is with her? Because he may be the person with her that i needed him to be with me.

Why does that matter to you. Because someone else is getting the person he could be.

He isn't that person (no one is who they could be - that's fantasy) so why do you mind him having her or her getting him? Because it means she was better than me.

No! It means she "picked someone different than you". Then I trashed his horrible prior choices and then,

 

I came to the realization that even if he turned into the best person possible that I wanted him to be, he would still pick the most unhealthy person just as she is. I was too good to him, it was too easy with me and sane.. He needs crazy and turmoil and drama and uncertainty and that was driving me crazy.

 

So my final question was why did i want someone that I wasn't a good fit for? The answer is I don't... I don't want someone that I'm not perfect for.. I have a bit of self respect and dignity (that I am desperately trying to hold onto to) and so he chose someone else... Someone that could buy into his drama and have the severe ups and downs he needs in order to feel normal and wanted... Just do this exercise with everything that bothers you about it....

 

I know your path will be different but in the end you will face a fear and probably come to the realization that the worst has happened and you are still living and you will still get over it and come out the other side a better person - give yourself a chance to be loved as much as you loved her!!!

 

Hope this exercise helps..