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Roughly two years ago I met someone and we quickly became friends. We have alot in common; such as our financial situations, career path, outlook on life etc. We both lack a solid support system and struggle to get ahead financially due to certain circumstances. About a year ago we decided to move in together to alleviate some of the financial pressures we both experience and to help eachother get ahead in life. I also want to add that our friendship is strictly platonic as i am an openly gay male. (My friend is a straight female).


They say you don't truly know someone until you live together and i can attest to the truth in that. You see my friend is a single mother of two , who has always managed providing for her kids on her own and she has experienced some trauma throughout her life which i feel she has never worked out internally. I feel she is stressed out to the point she shuts down emotionally and physically.


I myself expierencied trauma growing up but luckily worked through it through therapy (which i still go to regularly) and by researching and learning about personal development on my own.


We grew up differently as she was raised in a city and expierienced poverty, i was raised in a middle class family in a suburban town. However, we both come from dysfunctional families.



Mind you, i dont think that i am better than anyone and I am far from achieving my own potential. I don't want people to think i hAve. Holier than thou mindset.


I truly love and care about my friend and her owm personal well being. I feel like she has helped me realize my shortcomings and has helped me grow as a person.


I want to help my friend grow in all areas of her life as well. I realize someone cant be helped unless they want to help themselves. Considering we now live together, the way shs lives has a direct effect on me to a certain extent. I am not able to find a new living situation due to my own financial situation, eventually this is my goal to move within the next 6 months to a year but for right now i need to make this work.


The problem is my friend is very guarded and defensive. She is also very paranoid that everyone is trying to take advantage of her or use her. She is very limited in taking responsibility for her own actions and constantly plays the victim card or places the blame on someone else.


I realize i started this post saying that i want to help her and realize i should rephrase that. I would like to help her but ultimately the purpose of this post is regarding living together amicably and learning how to communicate with her effectively.


She is constantly accusing me of being selfish and taking advantage of her kindness etc... I am the last person who would do that as i have been used and taken advantage of before i woke up and realize how carless people can be towards one Another. How i see it is we both help eachother when we can and would say its pretty equal what we both do for eachother. She may help me a little more but not to the extent she believes. I see it as we both help eachother to our ability.


For instance, if im broke until payday and she goes for coffee she will buy me a coffee. If im out of cigarettes she will give me a cigarette or two. When i have money i do the same. I also am constantly doing other things that dont involve money such as constantly cleaning up after her and her son


Shortly after moving in i realized she is a hippocrite and alot of things she expressed am issue with me she did herself. I tried bringing it up to her but again she gets very defensive. So i started using the phrases she uses to me, to her. This technique worked because she started realizing she was being a hippocrite.


However , whenever she gets upset over something she has horrible communication skills and only sees things from her side and will not listen to anything I have to say. She talks over me and yells and screams to get her point accross and because she doesnt allow me to communicate my side i get frustrated and loose my patience. There are a couple times i have lost my patience and have called her a or stupid etc. This is not my nature at all and i alwAys feel horrible afterwards so eventually Ive just decided to try not to escalate her mood by arguing back and usually just end up leaving and going for a walk or something.


Im not saying i have the best communication skills but I do realize a conversation is a two way street that involves listening and talking. Im open to constructive criticism and can admit when im in the wrong.


I feel like by me backing down when she gets into one of these moods im allowing her to feel like she won the argument and that she is right when if we could just have a mature respectful conversation it would save us both undue stress and anxiety. I also feel i have a right to defend myself if she is calling me names such as selfish only care about myself etc.


We get along fine a majority of the time but these situations do come up at least once a month. Like i said i care about our friendship and i dont want to have a hard falling out or anything. I realize she has trust issues in general but i have never done anything to make her not trust me.


Im so sorry for such a long post and i thank you for taking the time to read it. I would greatly appreciate any communication suggestions for when it comes to communicating with someone who is so hard headed and defensive. Thanks

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Interesting post. You're certainly defensive about the whole situation. But you may be overly analyzing things. I also suspect that there's more going on other than a couple of communication issues. It seems like you're getting on each other's nerves.


The reason is that I think you're exceeding the boundaries of being roommates. You're not roommates, you're in a relationship, almost a surrogate husband and wife situation. You're acting like a married couple. I think you need to step back. Firstly, you can manage your own money and stop borrowing money from your friend. And you can buy your own cigarettes and stop leaning on her. And you shouldn't be having deep discussions about her life and her shortcomings. You're making this roommate situation too personal. You're interfering in her life too much and you're adding your problems on top of this.


You need to go back to being friends. Try to give her support when you can. Being a mom is a tough job. But she can't mother you as well. Also try to stay out of her business. No more yelling and screaming. Fights are about control and manipulation, not disagreements. Try to stay within the bounds of polite conversation and be civil with her. You can continue to be roommates if you decide to be roommates and not a couple.

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Agree better boundaries would help you out a lot here. Split costs and chores down the middle, no borrowing, no cleaning up after anyone, etc. It's ok to deescalate and let her "win", everyone has their perspective and opinion, just walk away if it gets out of hand. It's not ok to get verbally abusive. This is not cool around her son and she should know better.

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