i need help understanding 4 years of my marriage

[Sherry1602]

hi! i am from india and i had an arranged marriage 4 years ago. to me its not a big deal because its pretty common here. till about 5 months after my marriage, me and my husband still hasn't had sex. in the first month when we did try, a few times he was unable to maintain an erection and sometimes even get one. then we just stopped getting intimate altogether. after about 5 months we went for a counselling and somehow the process kind of started. but even then never once could he penetrate completely. sadly i got pregnant pretty soon.

 

during the nine months he readily agreed to not have sex and was ok with handjobs. after my delivery, we did try but were still unable to. i used to be quite dry and he would usually start screaming at me during sex. most of the times he would scream at me and then i would ask him to rush it, which he happily did. so basically the whole intercourse part would take 5 minutes (including the screaming).

after sometime we were still having a lot of problems between us in our marriage and obviously in sex. one time i suggested we watch porn and he simply said that he doesn't get aroused by porn anymore, so i can watch it alone. this made me very uncomfortable. slowly because the sex would always hurt me and it became like a task i started hating it. i hated his touch and everything. so finally i told him that i can't keep going through it. now we are getting a divorce soon.

 

i always blamed myself because i felt like i hated his touch and thats why we couldn't have sex ( mind you i wasn't like this initially. i was pretty experimental and i still have strong sexual desires. if anything i am very sensitive). my mom thinks that he has ED and all the screaming and stuff he used to.do was so that he can put the blame on me. i seriously need to know if its possible

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. He sounds like an impatient, selfish lover. Your mother has a good point. Good choice to get a divorce.

after my delivery, we did try but were still unable to. i used to be quite dry and he would usually start screaming at me during sex. now we are getting a divorce soon.my mom thinks that he has ED and all the screaming and stuff he used to.do was so that he can put the blame on me.

[melancholy123]

Agree with your mom. A divorce is not the end of the world. Hopefully you find a better man down the road.

[Hollyj]

Oh honey, I am so sorry. This sounds miserable. He is blaming you for his own issues, this has nothing to do with you.

 

Good on you, for getting the divorce. I know that it can be very difficult in your culture.

 

Have you also considered he may be gay?

[Sherry1602]

i did think about it today. because during these 4 years he kept saying to me that i am a lesbian.

[Sherry1602]

thank you so much. a divorce is the best decision of my life. i am genuinely happier.

[Sherry1602]

thanks. i seriously never even considered this even once. instead i kept pitying him because i thought he was suffering because i didn't want sex.

[1a1a]

Who screams at their partner, let alone whilst being intimate?!!! I’m glad you’re getting away from this guy!!

[cherubrock]

sexual issues...

[Sherry1602]

i know. i always assumed he did it because he was frustrated. thinking back on things now i realize i was wrong. during the first 5 months of my marriage, i went to see a doctor and told her about it. and she told me he has ED and even prescribed a medicine. during the first few weeks we did have sex was under the drugs affect. and my stupid self forgot about it all until yesterday

[cherubrock]

I feel bad for him...it's difficult for people, men especially, to deal with sexual issues. The way he is treating you though, is not healthy and its not going to help anything. I don't know how it is in India, but he needs therapy. I don't know if you love him, but you sound unhappy. You need to stop having sex with him as an obligation, I know this because I have done it, it is not healthy.

Your relationship issue is not only sexual...I think its the whole thing that needs help. You two are not relating in a good loving way. No wonder neither want sex!!!

You both are sex averse, him more so I think. I would say lay off the sex for some time and show affection, do other things together. Since it is an arranged marriage, I don't know, maybe you guys do not even like each other.