Help please

[Hopeful7]

So long story I am completely shattered , depressed and heartbroken. My boyfriend almost 4 years and I broke up 3 months ago. First I broke up with him because I thought he was cheating on me because someone lead me to believe that and he denied it and tried explain 2 times it was not true . I hard time believing him because my previous ex cheated on me and it was like the nightmare was happening again . He didn't try after 2 attempt and I just stopped talking him for 3 weeks . 3 weeks later I found he never cheated on me so I knew I had to make things right. But he didnt want to listen, he said it was no . I kept trying and apologizing. Finally couples weeks later after trying again , I asked why it is too late ? I asked him if there was someone else and he said yes and there a girl and he only known her week and she was his girlfriend now. I said how could u make a girl u known a week your girlfriend? He said she got closer to him in a week than I did 4 years . Now I don't know if he said this hurt me or if it is true? I was devasted and depressed since . It has been 3 months since that I am in counseling for depression

I thought I had some good days after 2 months but after Valetines day everything went down hill and I am depressed and crying and feel hopeless.

 

Some info into his background his first love he cut off her too like this because she got into a argument with his mom and even though she apologized . He didn't forgive her and they were engaged.

 

Please tell me there is hope to get over him and any stories u have how u got over your worst breakup because I am losing hope . I thought i would be in a better place after 3 months .

 

And please don't tell me to just get over it or that I don't want to be better etc because that doesn't help me.

[DanZee]

You will get over him. It just takes time. In the meantime, you've got to busy yourself. Hang out with family and friends, go to events, do things that make you happy, exercise, get some walks out in the sun, and try to keep a positive attitude. Don't hide inside your house or your apartment, but get out where there's people and activities going on. Dating is also a good way to keep your mind off things.

[glitterfingers]

Time and therapy. And seeking new experiences to create new memories. Spend time with people who care about you and are permanent/semi-permanent fixtures in your life....but also meet new people. You have to push yourself but the more you surround yourself with people and try new things, the more distance there will be between your loss. That distance will give you the perspective to start analysing what actually went wrong in your relationship and learn from it. There's almost no point even trying to figure it out right now because your mood/emotions won't let you get very far. Focus on moving forward with small, simple steps: try a new walking trail, sport, jazz bar...invite your coworker/cousin out for coffee and talk about anything OTHER than your ex...find a free drawing/music/history/French course online. There's SO MUCH you can do if you let yourself redirect your focus

[RayRay63]

First I broke up with him because I thought he was cheating

 

You haven't mentioned your ages.

 

We don't know much/all of what he is thinking, but I'd guesstimate (and that is all it is) he sees himself as having been unfairly dumped and was very hurt. He hasn't had time to miss you yet, because he jumped into what looks like a rebound (the moving fast part suggests that). Or maybe he just decided to move on. Reading your history, you projected a past experience onto him (= undeserved drama, in his likely opinion). He reacted to the drama the same way he did earlier - cut and run, and not take a chance of it happening again. Maybe the rebound is delaying dealing with his own conflict avoidance issue, but that is not your problem anymore.

 

There is hope to get over him. First, maybe you need to take ownership of your part of the cause of this break-up - your insecurity that was caused by the previous cheater. Ask your therapist about it. Second, use this time to improve yourself. It's not a matter of "just getting over it", its more about equipping yourself to have a better relationship in the future by losing the baggage, and making yourself a more confident, emotionally attractive, person.

[Hopeful7]

@butterfingers and danzee thank u for your advice . The thing is I tried going out with friends and tried doing things. I am much better than I was in the first month where I couldn't even go to work. I don't know what else to try ? I truly deeply loved him and miss him so much and I guess it hurts more because we broke up over a misunderstanding. I dont know if I should start dating again ? I dont feel ready . This is the first guy I been this devastated over .

[Hopeful7]

@rayray63 I just turned 30 and he is 32 . I know i shouldn't have believed he cheated on me . But I didn't think it up on my own. Someone lead me to believe that. They lied to me but I should of trusted him I know . He told me the same . Why didn't i believe him? I wish he had given me a chance to fix things. I apologized so many times and I know he didn't like drama . But life isn't completely drama free . If i could I would do things differently and trust him but I can't

[1Love1]

You will get over it in time. 3 months is practically no time at all when getting over a relationship that lasted 4 years. It doesn't feel like it, but you will get to a point where it doesn't hurt anymore and your time together is just a distant memory. When people's conflict resolutions don't match up, it is hard to make a relationship work. It's even harder when one's conflict resolution is to not resolve anything at all and drop people like a hot potato.

Keep your chin up, things change and people move on. You will move on!

[Hopeful7]

You will get over it in time. 3 months is practically no time at all when getting over a relationship that lasted 4 years. It doesn't feel like it, but you will get to a point where it doesn't hurt anymore and your time together is just a distant memory. When people's conflict resolutions don't match up, it is hard to make a relationship work. It's even harder when one's conflict resolution is to not resolve anything at all and drop people like a hot potato.

Keep your chin up, things change and people move on. You will move on!

 

 

 

Thank u so much . I am glad that 3 months isn't too long . Some girls get over break ups in matter of weeks and it made me wonder why I am still heartbroken? Other guys asked me out but I am not one those girls that can drop my feelings quickly. I think it was easier to get over my ex before him because he cheated and even when he tried to win me back I said no and stayed strong. I guess I am also struggling with why my current ex didn't fight for me ? I guess he didn't fight for his first love too....but shouldn't u fight for someone u love ? I think nothing is more important than love. But I guess all I can do now is try to move on now. Thanks for the encouragement

[RayRay63]

Why didn't i believe him?

 

Related but different question:

 

Who was the "someone"? And why did you believe them?

 

At 30, you have plenty of time to have a great relationship, so use this as a learning experience.

 

Talk to your therapist about those questions. Maybe it all comes back to fear of infidelity caused by the lowlife who cheated on you.

 

Ask your therapist if you are now dealing with finally getting over that earlier relationship, as well as your more recent one.

[glitterfingers]

@butterfingers and danzee thank u for your advice . The thing is I tried going out with friends and tried doing things. I am much better than I was in the first month where I couldn't even go to work. I don't know what else to try ? I truly deeply loved him and miss him so much and I guess it hurts more because we broke up over a misunderstanding. I dont know if I should start dating again ? I dont feel ready . This is the first guy I been this devastated over .

 

First of all, it's glitterfingers. But thank you for making me ugly laugh

 

Secondly, you're conflicted because you're trying to process what's happened so that you can recover and possibly even find a way to fix things. What I'm saying to you is that is not going to be possible until you are in a better state of mind. You can't avoid the pain but you can choose how you handle this period of your life.

 

When I went through one of the worst breakups I've had at the end of last year, I bought an exercise bike and forced myself out of bed every morning for a 20 minute cycle at a MINIMUM (20 mins of cardio is about where the endorphins start to kick in). I played positive music through headphones while I cycled in my carport. I wasn't feeling it at first but I forced it because I knew it was the only thing I could actually control about my anxiety. And if I was wallowing in bed at night, I forced myself back on the bike for another 20 mins before bed. I took time to care for my skin, hair, teeth, made sure I ate healthy foods and got enough sleep. It didn't work immediately but after a few days/weeks of focusing on self-care, I felt more in control of myself and my mood lifted a fraction. That's when I started looking at goals that I had always wanted to achieve or things I wanted for the next year - more exercise, learn a new language, do some art courses. I watched comedy and forced myself to smile because I know that it's a psychological trick that can alter your neurotransmitter levels and pump you full of endorphins and trick your brain into thinking you're happier than you are.

 

I still had to seek therapy and I'm still in therapy to work through some emotional scars that the breakup triggered. But the important thing is I looked forwards instead of backwards. I couldn't stop myself from feeling love, but I could choose where to direct that love - I chose to keep it for myself.

 

I got over the initial pain of the breakup pretty quickly and started dating someone new. Still have to work on a few things, but I'm in a new relationship now and it's pretty healthy/happy. I've made a tiny bit of progress on my goals, but the important thing wasn't achieving them - it was taking steps towards them with intent to move forward. It gave me a new focus

 

That's literally how you do it. It's harder if you have an underlying mood disorder (as I do), but it's not impossible if you are committed to treatment. Good luck.

[Hopeful7]

First of all, it's glitterfingers. But thank you for making me ugly

 

I am so sorry , I meant wrote glitterfingers and did but spell check uggh. But look at this way I called u after a yummy candy bar lol

 

 

Thanks for all your words of encouragement . They mean alot . Can I ask u how long it took you to get over your ex ?

[glitterfingers]

 

I am so sorry , I meant wrote glitterfingers and did but spell check uggh. But look at this way I called u after a yummy candy bar lol

 

 

Thanks for all your words of encouragement . They mean alot . Can I ask u how long it took you to get over your ex ?

 

It's hard to say because it's a gradual process and I am sure it takes a different path for everyone depending on the circumstances of your relationship and the breakup itself.

 

I still think about him occasionally but I am at peace with the situation now. Probably for the first two months, everything in my body just felt wrong about the breakup and would have given just about anything to go back and work things out (even though I knew that I wasn't in the right emotional state to approach it in a healthy way or for the right reasons)

 

First couple of weeks I struggled to get out of bed. The next few weeks, I struggled to think about anything else while I went about my day BUT I did focus on my friends/family and their lives so I didn't have to think about mine. I also met someone new and decided to give that a chance (while being honest about my recent breakup, thankfully he was very understanding).

 

The important thing is being committed to moving forward and being committed to staying in therapy. Just doing those two things makes you feel stronger right away, and as the weeks go by you find yourself feeling good more often than not, and maybe you're not totally healed but you have learned some really wonderful things about yourself and your ability to overcome life's difficulties. You have so many things in front of you that you can choose to pursue! Endings really are new beginnings

 

The details of the breakup aren't important to me anymore but it hit me harder than any other breakup I've had. The amount of pain I was in motivated me to find a way to deal with it, and I think because of that I came out of it much better off (and much sooner) than if it hadn't hurt as much as it did. If I was ever in that situation again, I know how to handle it - exercise, try new things, look forward, and commit to therapy

 

Actually, that's a good recipe for life in general

[Hopeful7]

You will get over it in time. 3 months is practically no time at all when getting over a relationship that lasted 4 years. It doesn't feel like it, but you will get to a point where it doesn't hurt anymore and your time together is just a distant memory. When people's conflict resolutions don't match up, it is hard to make a relationship work. It's even harder when one's conflict resolution is to not resolve anything at all and drop people like a hot potato.

Keep your chin up, things change and people move on. You will move on!

 

First of all, it's glitterfingers. But thank you for making me ugly laugh

 

Secondly, you're conflicted because you're trying to process what's happened so that you can recover and possibly even find a way to fix things. What I'm saying to you is that is not going to be possible until you are in a better state of mind. You can't avoid the pain but you can choose how you handle this period of your life.

 

When I went through one of the worst breakups I've had at the end of last year, I bought an exercise bike and forced myself out of bed every morning for a 20 minute cycle at a MINIMUM (20 mins of cardio is about where the endorphins start to kick in). I played positive music through headphones while I cycled in my carport. I wasn't feeling it at first but I forced it because I knew it was the only thing I could actually control about my anxiety. And if I was wallowing in bed at night, I forced myself back on the bike for another 20 mins before bed. I took time to care for my skin, hair, teeth, made sure I ate healthy foods and got enough sleep. It didn't work immediately but after a few days/weeks of focusing on self-care, I felt more in control of myself and my mood lifted a fraction. That's when I started looking at goals that I had always wanted to achieve or things I wanted for the next year - more exercise, learn a new language, do some art courses. I watched comedy and forced myself to smile because I know that it's a psychological trick that can alter your neurotransmitter levels and pump you full of endorphins and trick your brain into thinking you're happier than you are.

 

I still had to seek therapy and I'm still in therapy to work through some emotional scars that the breakup triggered. But the important thing is I looked forwards instead of backwards. I couldn't stop myself from feeling love, but I could choose where to direct that love - I chose to keep it for myself.

 

I got over the initial pain of the breakup pretty quickly and started dating someone new. Still have to work on a few things, but I'm in a new relationship now and it's pretty healthy/happy. I've made a tiny bit of progress on my goals, but the important thing wasn't achieving them - it was taking steps towards them with intent to move forward. It gave me a new focus

 

That's literally how you do it. It's harder if you have an underlying mood disorder (as I do), but it's not impossible if you are committed to treatment. Good luck.

 

Related but different question:

 

Who was the "someone"? And why did you believe them?

 

At 30, you have plenty of time to have a great relationship, so use this as a learning experience.

 

Talk to your therapist about those questions. Maybe it all comes back to fear of infidelity caused by the lowlife who cheated on you.

 

Ask your therapist if you are now dealing with finally getting over that earlier relationship, as well as your more recent one.

 

The someone was a friend of his who was not such a good friend and they are no longer friends . That is part of the reason I believed it and i know i should of looked into more before believing anything . I guess that because of my other ex who cheated so I acted first and thought later .

 

I am over the ex that cheated. Been over him and waited till I was over him to date . I am not one of those girls who like date someone new to get over my ex. I didn't have that hard time with it because he cheated . I guess I have a harder time with my ex now because we been thru so much together and we were so good together and I can't believe this misunderstanding broke us up and it really hurts because I seen a future with him. I also don't understand why it is hard for him to forgive and move on. Why is it so easy for him to let go of someone he cared about loved almost 4 years? I know he did it his first love but I thought that was one time thing .

[Hopeful7]

You will get over it in time. 3 months is practically no time at all when getting over a relationship that lasted 4 years. It doesn't feel like it, but you will get to a point where it doesn't hurt anymore and your time together is just a distant memory. When people's conflict resolutions don't match up, it is hard to make a relationship work. It's even harder when one's conflict resolution is to not resolve anything at all and drop people like a hot potato.

Keep your chin up, things change and people move on. You will move on!

 

First of all, it's glitterfingers. But thank you for making me ugly laugh

 

Secondly, you're conflicted because you're trying to process what's happened so that you can recover and possibly even find a way to fix things. What I'm saying to you is that is not going to be possible until you are in a better state of mind. You can't avoid the pain but you can choose how you handle this period of your life.

 

When I went through one of the worst breakups I've had at the end of last year, I bought an exercise bike and forced myself out of bed every morning for a 20 minute cycle at a MINIMUM (20 mins of cardio is about where the endorphins start to kick in). I played positive music through headphones while I cycled in my carport. I wasn't feeling it at first but I forced it because I knew it was the only thing I could actually control about my anxiety. And if I was wallowing in bed at night, I forced myself back on the bike for another 20 mins before bed. I took time to care for my skin, hair, teeth, made sure I ate healthy foods and got enough sleep. It didn't work immediately but after a few days/weeks of focusing on self-care, I felt more in control of myself and my mood lifted a fraction. That's when I started looking at goals that I had always wanted to achieve or things I wanted for the next year - more exercise, learn a new language, do some art courses. I watched comedy and forced myself to smile because I know that it's a psychological trick that can alter your neurotransmitter levels and pump you full of endorphins and trick your brain into thinking you're happier than you are.

 

I still had to seek therapy and I'm still in therapy to work through some emotional scars that the breakup triggered. But the important thing is I looked forwards instead of backwards. I couldn't stop myself from feeling love, but I could choose where to direct that love - I chose to keep it for myself.

 

I got over the initial pain of the breakup pretty quickly and started dating someone new. Still have to work on a few things, but I'm in a new relationship now and it's pretty healthy/happy. I've made a tiny bit of progress on my goals, but the important thing wasn't achieving them - it was taking steps towards them with intent to move forward. It gave me a new focus

 

That's literally how you do it. It's harder if you have an underlying mood disorder (as I do), but it's not impossible if you are committed to treatment. Good luck.

 

It's hard to say because it's a gradual process and I am sure it takes a different path for everyone depending on the circumstances of your relationship and the breakup itself.

 

I still think about him occasionally but I am at peace with the situation now. Probably for the first two months, everything in my body just felt wrong about the breakup and would have given just about anything to go back and work things out (even though I knew that I wasn't in the right emotional state to approach it in a healthy way or for the right reasons)

 

First couple of weeks I struggled to get out of bed. The next few weeks, I struggled to think about anything else while I went about my day BUT I did focus on my friends/family and their lives so I didn't have to think about mine. I also met someone new and decided to give that a chance (while being honest about my recent breakup, thankfully he was very understanding).

 

The important thing is being committed to moving forward and being committed to staying in therapy. Just doing those two things makes you feel stronger right away, and as the weeks go by you find yourself feeling good more often than not, and maybe you're not totally healed but you have learned some really wonderful things about yourself and your ability to overcome life's difficulties. You have so many things in front of you that you can choose to pursue! Endings really are new beginnings

 

The details of the breakup aren't important to me anymore but it hit me harder than any other breakup I've had. The amount of pain I was in motivated me to find a way to deal with it, and I think because of that I came out of it much better off (and much sooner) than if it hadn't hurt as much as it did. If I was ever in that situation again, I know how to handle it - exercise, try new things, look forward, and commit to therapy

 

Actually, that's a good recipe for life in general

 

 

Thanks GF it sounds like good ideas , the bad thing is this breakup triggered depression. That is why I am going to counseling now

[RayRay63]

I am over the ex that cheated. Been over him and waited till I was over him to date .

 

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but to a layman, that doesn't sound right. You had an attack of cheating related insecurity, provoked by some idiot (a friend of his who was not such a good friend) you shouldn't have listened to, that drove away from a new man you may have wanted to stay with long term.

 

My only feel on this is you were not over the low life cheater, who basically just cost you a good relationship in his wake.

 

You need to get help on that before you meet another real man who will value you for who you are.

 

You are so young. He is there for you somewhere. Make yourself attractive, let him find you. :-)

[11moreweeks]

You are so young. He is there for you somewhere. Make yourself attractive, let him find you. :-)

 

To add to this: everyone is attractive when they make themselves attractive, and making one's self attractive is about being healthy and good to one's self.

[Hopeful7]

You will get over it in time. 3 months is practically no time at all when getting over a relationship that lasted 4 years. It doesn't feel like it, but you will get to a point where it doesn't hurt anymore and your time together is just a distant memory. When people's conflict resolutions don't match up, it is hard to make a relationship work. It's even harder when one's conflict resolution is to not resolve anything at all and drop people like a hot potato.

Keep your chin up, things change and people move on. You will move on!

 

First of all, it's glitterfingers. But thank you for making me ugly laugh

 

Secondly, you're conflicted because you're trying to process what's happened so that you can recover and possibly even find a way to fix things. What I'm saying to you is that is not going to be possible until you are in a better state of mind. You can't avoid the pain but you can choose how you handle this period of your life.

 

When I went through one of the worst breakups I've had at the end of last year, I bought an exercise bike and forced myself out of bed every morning for a 20 minute cycle at a MINIMUM (20 mins of cardio is about where the endorphins start to kick in). I played positive music through headphones while I cycled in my carport. I wasn't feeling it at first but I forced it because I knew it was the only thing I could actually control about my anxiety. And if I was wallowing in bed at night, I forced myself back on the bike for another 20 mins before bed. I took time to care for my skin, hair, teeth, made sure I ate healthy foods and got enough sleep. It didn't work immediately but after a few days/weeks of focusing on self-care, I felt more in control of myself and my mood lifted a fraction. That's when I started looking at goals that I had always wanted to achieve or things I wanted for the next year - more exercise, learn a new language, do some art courses. I watched comedy and forced myself to smile because I know that it's a psychological trick that can alter your neurotransmitter levels and pump you full of endorphins and trick your brain into thinking you're happier than you are.

 

I still had to seek therapy and I'm still in therapy to work through some emotional scars that the breakup triggered. But the important thing is I looked forwards instead of backwards. I couldn't stop myself from feeling love, but I could choose where to direct that love - I chose to keep it for myself.

 

I got over the initial pain of the breakup pretty quickly and started dating someone new. Still have to work on a few things, but I'm in a new relationship now and it's pretty healthy/happy. I've made a tiny bit of progress on my goals, but the important thing wasn't achieving them - it was taking steps towards them with intent to move forward. It gave me a new focus

 

That's literally how you do it. It's harder if you have an underlying mood disorder (as I do), but it's not impossible if you are committed to treatment. Good luck.

 

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but to a layman, that doesn't sound right. You had an attack of cheating related insecurity, provoked by some idiot (a friend of his who was not such a good friend) you shouldn't have listened to, that drove away from a new man you may have wanted to stay with long term.

 

My only feel on this is you were not over the low life cheater, who basically just cost you a good relationship in his wake.

 

You need to get help on that before you meet another real man who will value you for who you are.

 

You are so young. He is there for you somewhere. Make yourself attractive, let him find you. :-)

 

 

I appreciate your input and help . But it isn't about a guy finding me . I did have lots of guys ask me out since and attractive guys So that isn't the problem. I am not interested in them and i feel kinda sick when they try hit on me, because I was truly was in love with him and he was not a new guy I been with him almost 4 years and to me another guy can't replace him , ppl say in time so we will see , once i fall for someone that person is it for me and i dont pay attention to other guys and the funny part was he was one who regularly got jealous but I had this one incident which was big incident though.The ex that cheated on me was like 5 years ago.but I guess it did impact me .

[Lambert]

 

My only feel on this is you were not over the low life cheater, who basically just cost you a good relationship in his wake.

 

 

thank u RayRay63 this resonated with me.... i feel like that is what happen with me and my most recent ex... he let his POS ex in his head and it basically pushed out what could have been with us.

 

sorry.... didn't mean to derail the discussion and make it about me...

 

but healing before moving on is the only way to go. I see it so clearly in someone else. and I really wish more people would heal first. could have saved me some unnecessary heartache as i had no idea when i got in the relationship....

 

peace & love.... from an innocent casualty in someone else's bs... aka Lambert.