Relationship For 16 Years Has Been A Waste!

[Altesse7]

I have a long and complicated relationship and a long and complicated story that goes with it.

I don’t know where to start. I’m at a dead and and feel I have no where to go. My boyfriend of 16 years and the father of my children is threatening to kick me out, tonight.

We have a horse barn and 4 horses. They are my horses. I usually care for them. Pay for them and just am their caretaker. Every once in a while, like nights when it’s hard to see or when it has snowed, I ask him to feed. Tonight, he flipped. Us and the girls were sitting in the living room. Just talking about things in general. When, he said I had to make the girls dinner. Ok, that’s fine, no problem. He also knows and has, since before we got into a relationship that I have epilepsy. Which is a seizure disorder. Now, I take so much medication, in order to get my seizures under control. These medications have to calm my body and brain down, daily, so I don’t have a seizure. It’s almost as if I’m constantly on a seditative, but I can function. There are certain things that I NEED to avoid, as well, or I will end up on the floor flailing around ( having a gran mal seizure). One huge thing I need to avoid is STRESS! I can’t even work, because every job I have had caused even small bursts of stress and I ended having seizures. Well, I’m in a relationship with a man, who doesn’t care! He doesn’t think ahead, before words come out of his mouth. He doesn’t understand why I have epilepsy. It is genetic, but he tells his parents I am crazy. Because I have to keep one explaining to him that I have this disorder and if he doesn’t stop fighting with me, I will have a seizure. I know it takes 2 people to fight. I make him angry, for not doing the dishes or not doing the laundry. He has been doing it, since before I met him!?

 

He doesn’t want to take care of the horses, yet he is the one who pointed out that there was a horse farm for sale? Did he think I was going to do all the work all the time on this farm??? Nnnoooo! The whole family participates on a farm to care for the animals!

I fell out of love with him a very long time ago. He has cheated on me numerous times. I would never cheat on him! His parents watch our kids every Sunday and he goes over there and tells them all sort of stuff about how I don’t do this and blah, blah, blah. Meanwhile, I’m going to college to persue a dream of becoming a photographer and have a career I will love and be more calm with. He rips me to shreds. I bring our girls to Cheering practices, do all I can for them, because I want them to have the best and be so happy! He tells his parents his side. My Dad passed away almost 10 years ago now of Lung Cancer. My Mom and sister and her family moved away. So, I literally have no family near me to talk to. He talks crap to his family about me. I don’t get to defend myself. I really don’t care what they think, but my daughters come home and say, “mommy, you know what Daddy said to Gma and G-pa?” I hate that they hear him bad mouthing me. I want to be done with this man. I cannot have a conversation longer than a few seconds with him. I have more to me than what he is taking me for. I want out, but I don’t want to leave my girls. I don’t know what would happen if I did leave. Custody and such. I just want to live alone with my girls. I have no friends to talk to.:(

[Moiselle]

Please seek for an attorney's advise.

[Cope]

I am so sorry you have been going through this! Honestly, the only thing I can say is that I think that you should start looking for a lawyer!

 

As I do see your need to talk it out though, I must say, he doesn't seem like a nice man. Bad mouthing you, cheating, not understanding your medical problem and threatening to kick you out? Why is he doing that by the way?

 

Find a lawyer so you can make your next move without fear of loosing your kids.

[DanZee]

Well, maybe you've already figured this out, but you're living with an abuser. If you Google "emotional abuse" you will see all the signs. And you will see how his behavior has sapped your self-esteem and your sense of worth. He has purposely isolated you, kept you away from friends and family who could save you so you will have no one to turn to. He has trapped you.

 

You didn't mention how old your girls are or what your financial situation is. Does he own the house etc., or do you? You should look into ways to get custody of your girls and kick this guy out or, or at least leave him with as little as possible. Where you're not married, it might work to your favor.

 

But until you can work something out, tell yourself that you are being abused and look into calling abuse helplines or seeking out abuse groups that may be able to at least give you moral support if not actual help. You do not deserve to be treated this way. If you make the case that your boyfriend is an abuser as you did here, I don't see any reason why you can't get full custody of the girls and a restraining order against your boyfriend. Please don't give up and see what help you can get.

[Last Gentleman]

Well, maybe you've already figured this out, but you're living with an abuser. If you Google "emotional abuse" you will see all the signs. And you will see how his behavior has sapped your self-esteem and your sense of worth. He has purposely isolated you, kept you away from friends and family who could save you so you will have no one to turn to. He has trapped you.

 

You didn't mention how old your girls are or what your financial situation is. Does he own the house etc., or do you? You should look into ways to get custody of your girls and kick this guy out or, or at least leave him with as little as possible. Where you're not married, it might work to your favor.

 

But until you can work something out, tell yourself that you are being abused and look into calling abuse helplines or seeking out abuse groups that may be able to at least give you moral support if not actual help. You do not deserve to be treated this way. If you make the case that your boyfriend is an abuser as you did here, I don't see any reason why you can't get full custody of the girls and a restraining order against your boyfriend. Please don't give up and see what help you can get.

 

Yes absolutely this man is mentally abusing her, there is no excuse for a man to treat a woman like this , although let's not fall only in the victim narrative here, I understand avoiding

fights because of epilepsy but I'm sure his behavior is not new, so to be able to take back control of your life and make it better, you have to realize that you allowed this man to treat

you like that, it isn't fate.

 

Sorry if that seems rash and insensitive, but you sound like a strong woman non the less, get back to what you were before the abuse and to do this, you have to admit you have a part

in letting him treat you like this. That is also the way to show your girls what he does is wrong, so they aren't hostage between an abusive shaming dad and a depressed victimized mom,

it is for yours and their future's sake to be healthy women.

 

Good luck !

[Altesse7]

Hi Danzee.

I think I figured it out a long time ago. I’m just looking for a way out. But, he’s the bread winner. I get very little money for disability and it all goes to the mortgage, my horses and my girls. My girls are 8 and 13, both very impressionable ages! He is always saying that if I do leave where am I going to go? I have not enough money to pay for rent, groceries or to have any of the things we have now. That’s what makes me stay. My girls go to an amazing school and I don’t want them to leave. He does own the house, yes.

Since out fight, last night, I woke up this morning, started getting my younger daughter ready for school. Something that never happened, but, I started having an absent seizure and a sort of pre seizure, before I go into a gran mal. Which are very painful and due to stress. I know it was due to that fight, last night and my stressing about it.

My daughter was crying and I asked him to please help me. He was yelling at me and said he would be late for work, which I understand. But, I needed his help! After me explaining to him he doesn’t understand how much pain I’m in and I cannot drive, when I am going through this. He got it, I think. It took him a bit. I don’t want him to lose his job, for going in late. I also don’t want my little one to think her mommy is dying. In the end he huffed and puffed and just brought her to school. I know there are 2 sides. He gets to share his with his friends and family. I have no one, so, I came here. I can’t afford a lawyer, either.:(

[Unreasonable]

Have you even tried calling a lawyer? Call one, tell them your case, and see where it goes from there. Don't just assume you can't afford one and do nothing. Some do pro bono, some take payment plans, payment after the case is over, etc. There is really nothing anybody here can do other than offer happy thoughts. He sounds like a jerk, sounds like he can't handle the situation, so you got to take care of this yourself. So while it might be stressful, you have some work you need to do to get out of this. Call a lawyer. Call several if need be.

[Wiseman2]

Have you contacted social services? You don't need a lawyer. There's nothing he can do. They are his kids so he'll end up paying child support one way or the other. Also he can't just kick you out. Stop paying toward his mortgage. He shouldn't be profiting off your disability payments. He has you brainwashed and intimidated, that's all. When he's not around look online and make some calls to social services and domestic violence agencies for info. Social services can help you with better medical care, child care, education/career training, food and housing assistance. Surely you have friends in the area? Start making friends and/or tell friends what's really going on. However stop stressing the seizure/stress stuff, it makes it sounds like you want sympathy, not help. Stick with pertinent info when telling friend/family and agencies what's really going on..

[indea08]

Just to offer an alternative perspective here, I can't totally crucify your husband for all of this. This is 100% your side of the story, he has his side, and the truth is, as they say, probably somewhere in the middle.

 

If I put myself in your husband's shoes, and I imagine having a partner who all the time said "stop fighting with me or I'm going to have a seizure," that would eventually become incredibly frustrating. You can't maintain a job because you can't handle the stress, that's a lot of responsibility on his shoulders. And I feel comfortable saying that as I've had to support my own family for awhile, and we have 1 child, not 2. To add to that, you say you have horses. You even specified that they are YOUR horses. Therefore they are YOUR responsibility. You shouldn't be asking him to feed/water them. If that's too much stress for you then you shouldn't have horses.

 

Additionally, you say your husband bad mouths you to his family, you referenced complaints such as not doing dishes, etc. Not a great idea to vent to family but again, if I'm in your husband's shoes and I'm financially supporting the family and bearing the weight of housework and having to help with your horses and I am always expected to watch what I say (do you watch what you say??) because I have to live in fear of sending you in to a seizure, that's A LOT for one person. Of course he's going to vent now and again. Yes, he shouldn't have done so in front of your daughters, that was wrong of him. He also shouldn't have vented to his family, but maybe that's who he's comfortable talking to??

 

I realize you did not choose to have epilepsy, and I fully understand that he chose this life with you knowing about your epilepsy...but that doesn't mean this is easy for him either. Everything you've listed about this man, to me, does not paint a picture of a bad man. I read your post and I see a man who is carrying a lot of responsibility that maybe he didn't realize would be his, who maybe didn't fully understand what all being with you would entail. And that's not your fault, but it's not his either.

 

I may be completely off base here but just the overall feeling I got from your post is that you expect him to do (or not do) XYZ because of your epilepsy, but nothing gave me the feeling that you ever cut him a break because he does do QRS. Nothing gave me the feeling that you understand that he CHOSE to be with you, when he didn't have to, and so you appreciate that and what he DOES do for you and your children.

 

Just a different way of viewing your situation, hoping to help you think about what he may be thinking/feeling.

 

ETA: Nothing in your post suggests abuse. I'm sure if we could all read his post regarding all of the same situations, we would understand why he is so worn out and frustrated. It's not fair at all to call him an abuser. Grouchy or short-tempered, maybe...but not abusive.

[indea08]

"He doesn’t want to take care of the horses, yet he is the one who pointed out that there was a horse farm for sale? Did he think I was going to do all the work all the time on this farm??? Nnnoooo! The whole family participates on a farm to care for the animals!"

 

"I make him angry, for not doing the dishes or not doing the laundry. He has been doing it, since before I met him!?"

 

I had to go back through your post again, and I brought out these two quotes for you to think about. The first one, you say outright that he does not want to take care of YOUR horses. He may have pointed out a horse farm for sale so that you'd have somewhere to put your horses. Maybe he was trying to make you happy. None of this means he wanted to take on the responsibility of your horses, and he shouldn't have to. If YOU are the one who wanted the animals, then no, it's not the whole family's responsibility to care for them. It's yours.

 

The second quote...of course he's angry if you won't do dishes or laundry. He's already financially supporting the family, why should he have to do all the chores too? Just because he did his own laundry before he met you does not mean that it's ridiculous that he complains about now having to do the laundry for the whole family.

 

Honestly, you sound entitled and I get the impression that you use your epilepsy as a cop-out so you don't have to take responsibility for things you don't want to do. Maybe you've even convinced yourself that you can't do these things due to your diagnosis, but that doesn't mean you get to dump the responsibility on other people's shoulders.

[Altesse7]

That’s absolutely not what I’m going for. I will do some research!

[Altesse7]

Just to offer an alternative perspective here, I can't totally crucify your husband for all of this. This is 100% your side of the story, he has his side, and the truth is, as they say, probably somewhere in the middle.

 

If I put myself in your husband's shoes, and I imagine having a partner who all the time said "stop fighting with me or I'm going to have a seizure," that would eventually become incredibly frustrating. You can't maintain a job because you can't handle the stress, that's a lot of responsibility on his shoulders. And I feel comfortable saying that as I've had to support my own family for awhile, and we have 1 child, not 2. To add to that, you say you have horses. You even specified that they are YOUR horses. Therefore they are YOUR responsibility. You shouldn't be asking him to feed/water them. If that's too much stress for you then you shouldn't have horses.

 

Additionally, you say your husband bad mouths you to his family, you referenced complaints such as not doing dishes, etc. Not a great idea to vent to family but again, if I'm in your husband's shoes and I'm financially supporting the family and bearing the weight of housework and having to help with your horses and I am always expected to watch what I say (do you watch what you say??) because I have to live in fear of sending you in to a seizure, that's A LOT for one person. Of course he's going to vent now and again. Yes, he shouldn't have done so in front of your daughters, that was wrong of him. He also shouldn't have vented to his family, but maybe that's who he's comfortable talking to??

 

I realize you did not choose to have epilepsy, and I fully understand that he chose this life with you knowing about your epilepsy...but that doesn't mean this is easy for him either. Everything you've listed about this man, to me, does not paint a picture of a bad man. I read your post and I see a man who is carrying a lot of responsibility that maybe he didn't realize would be his, who maybe didn't fully understand what all being with you would entail. And that's not your fault, but it's not his either.

 

I may be completely off base here but just the overall feeling I got from your post is that you expect him to do (or not do) XYZ because of your epilepsy, but nothing gave me the feeling that you ever cut him a break because he does do QRS. Nothing gave me the feeling that you understand that he CHOSE to be with you, when he didn't have to, and so you appreciate that and what he DOES do for you and your children.

 

Just a different way of viewing your situation, hoping to help you think about what he may be thinking/feeling.

 

ETA: Nothing in your post suggests abuse. I'm sure if we could all read his post regarding all of the same situations, we would understand why he is so worn out and frustrated. It's not fair at all to call him an abuser. Grouchy or short-tempered, maybe...but not abusive.

 

Thank you for this.:)

 

You are right with some points and some points I really don’t want to get into, on here.

But, being with this man for 16 years, I have appreciated every little thing he has done for me and our children. When I posted, last night, I was angry and just was pretty much ranting. I have put myself in his shoes and have gone to work and have known what it is like to be tired after a long day.

What I failed to explain, is with the chores, this isn’t an all the time thing, that I cannot do them. It’s once and a while, maybe once or twice a month. I’m not constantly saying to the poor guy, “I have epilepsy, so do everything.” No. This is when I’m feeling the effects of my medication, and need to have a bit of time of quiet.

We both bring in an income, as well. We decided together that mine would go towards certain things and his towards others. We also decided, before getting this farm, that our girls were going to be raised on the values that barn chores get done and homework, above all.

Yes, he is a hard worker. But the amount of fighting that we do is very unhealthy for our children and us. The words he uses, our girls hear and they are a punch in the face. He could realize that they are righ there taking it all in and be mature about it. But, he goes on an on and on. His words at me are abusive, yes they are. He may be tired and he may have had a rough day. There is really no reason for a grown man to speak to anyone like that especially their mother, in front of their girls!