lostandhurt Posted February 28, 2018 Share Posted February 28, 2018 So I have been single for 4 years now and don't have that urgency to meet someone like I did when I started dating 2 years after my divorce. I am really good being single but I would like to have someone in my life for sure and have been just waiting for it to happen naturally. You know, you meet someone somewhere or friends of friends fix you up kind of thing. I have resisted online dating for all the reasons you see people post about all the time. When I did it last I had a great deal of success and have the thick skin needed but I just don't want to deal with all the crap that comes with it I guess. What makes me feel like I have been single to long is on several occasions I totally ignored or missed women that were trying to chat me up, get me to respond and chat them up or blew off obvious compliments showing a lot of interest. The last 2 got me thinking. -I was at the grocery store and passed by one of those set ups where they give out free samples so I stopped to try some chicken sausage. The lady was much older but she had a friend with her that had stopped to talk to her. Anyways I asked which ones were the hot ones and the friend comments that I am. This woman was attractive but I am not sure she was my type at first glance so I smiled and tried a few more samples (hey I was hungry) and when I turned to leave I said goodbye to each of them and this woman made sure that I knew she wasn't talking about the sausage being the only hot thing. I thanked her for the nice compliment but nothing more crossed my mind. -Just the other day I was handling my part in a memorial for a local politician when I saw a woman that was in great shape, pretty, no ring, smiled at me when I smiled when I walked by and seemed friendly. I was sitting with my crew when she walks around our table and comes right up to me and leans over pretty close and tells me she thinks we know each other somehow. I introduce myself we chat for a few minutes but I don't bite on her attempt to start a conversation that will go somewhere. It was clear she used the "Don't we know each other" line to talk to me but it went over my head for some reason. When I was actively dating I was on all the time. I didn't miss anything and I am not shy around women so I would pick up on subtle clues and approach and talk to whomever anywhere anytime but now it feels like I have become to comfortable being single. Has this happened to anyone else? I am not sure if it means anything other than I am rusty. I am just average looking and feel lucky that women occasionally find me attractive but I seem to be more selective than I used to be, like I am more serious about not starting something that is obviously not for me. Could I be jaded? Insights and comments are welcome as this is a new place for me to find myself. Lost Link to comment
Jibralta Posted February 28, 2018 Share Posted February 28, 2018 I don't know if it means that you are rusty or jaded. It just may not be your preference. Have you ever liked being hit on like that? I personally don't. Turns me right off. Doesn't really matter how attractive they are. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted February 28, 2018 Share Posted February 28, 2018 Awww Lost. I get it. I remember while in therapy having this same conversation. He warned me that the longer I was single the harder it would be to get back in the game. Honor where ever you are at and don't let society cause you to think otherwise. If you are happy and content, that's all the matters. You only get one life, live it as you see fit. I've keep putting myself out there and at the same time I keep asking myself the same question. I feel compelled to keep trying, but I am not entirely sure why sometimes. I'd like to believe that biologically we are driven to pair up to reproduce. When that time passes, you move on to merely wanting a partner. When you find yourself content on your own and life is full in other ways then don't wrestle with the "why's" It might be much like sex. . when you abstain for long enough the desire fades. One taste of it, you suddenly can't stop thinking about it. I'm just thinking out loud here. . I wish I had a great answer for you, because apparently I don't know either :) Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted February 28, 2018 Share Posted February 28, 2018 Came back to add: I have a large circle of friends and within this group there are a handful of good looking men that choose to remain single. My female friends can't seem to understand. Is if it's some sort of mystery they need to figure out. It's not a mystery to me. These men are perfectly happy flying solo and not answering to anyone. It's by choice. I suppose if you knew my female friends you might understand why :) Link to comment
milly007 Posted March 1, 2018 Share Posted March 1, 2018 It doesn't sound like you're rusty, Lost. It sounds like you picked up on the fact that they seemed interested, but my guess is you weren't interested enough to pursue anything past small talk. Maybe it's just the fact that they weren't interesting enough for you to engage them. As time goes on, we become pickier, less inclined to settle, and comfortable. As a result, it may take more than a pretty face to get your attention, and there's nothing wrong with that. You're looking for someone to connect with emotionally; not someone who's essentially only easy on the eyes. So maybe it's just that these women didn't do anything for you... Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted March 1, 2018 Author Share Posted March 1, 2018 I don't know if it means that you are rusty or jaded. It just may not be your preference. Have you ever liked being hit on like that? I personally don't. Turns me right off. Doesn't really matter how attractive they are. I don't mind women hitting on me, I actually like it because many times I think they are out of my league and I wouldn't normally give it a shot. For a woman to be forward with me is refreshing but I admit there have been times when I totally didn't realize their motive until later when I had a "Duh" moment. Lost Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted March 1, 2018 Author Share Posted March 1, 2018 It doesn't sound like you're rusty, Lost. It sounds like you picked up on the fact that they seemed interested, but my guess is you weren't interested enough to pursue anything past small talk. Maybe it's just the fact that they weren't interesting enough for you to engage them. As time goes on, we become pickier, less inclined to settle, and comfortable. As a result, it may take more than a pretty face to get your attention, and there's nothing wrong with that. You're looking for someone to connect with emotionally; not someone who's essentially only easy on the eyes. So maybe it's just that these women didn't do anything for you... This could be true but I didn't give them much of a chance for me to know them at all. I agree I am less inclined to settle and I certainly know what I want and can read women better than I used to be able to. Perhaps I need to try online again just to shake the rust off and who knows I just might meet someone special. If I do it again it will be less quantity and more quality for sure. Lost Link to comment
AuthenticFrank Posted March 1, 2018 Share Posted March 1, 2018 I feel your pain. Not single as long as you but I think the fear of rejection stops a lot of us from dating. It is sometimes easier to wait for a nice woman to come on to us rather than putting ourselves out there. It was scary meeting women online but I just tried to vet them as carefully as possible. I would text several women at once but when one would come to the top I would focus on meeting them. I had many 1st dates and it was nice to get that experience under my belt. I had less 2nd dates and a few 3rd dates and even a relationship for a few months. All learning moments. It helps you navigate the dating world and you can learn what you really want. I fell into a bit of a trap with with the woman I dated for a few months until I realized that She wasn’t what I was looking for. Be true to yourself and love yourself. If you can accomplish that the right woman will see that and fall in love with you. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted March 1, 2018 Author Share Posted March 1, 2018 Awww Lost. I get it. I remember while in therapy having this same conversation. He warned me that the longer I was single the harder it would be to get back in the game. Honor where ever you are at and don't let society cause you to think otherwise. If you are happy and content, that's all the matters. You only get one life, live it as you see fit. I've keep putting myself out there and at the same time I keep asking myself the same question. I feel compelled to keep trying, but I am not entirely sure why sometimes. I'd like to believe that biologically we are driven to pair up to reproduce. When that time passes, you move on to merely wanting a partner. When you find yourself content on your own and life is full in other ways then don't wrestle with the "why's" It might be much like sex. . when you abstain for long enough the desire fades. One taste of it, you suddenly can't stop thinking about it. I'm just thinking out loud here. . I wish I had a great answer for you, because apparently I don't know either :) It does get easier being single the longer I go on. I do have a full life and don't feel I NEED to have someone in my life, there is no urgency like time is running out or anything but when I went on those 2 dates last year with a very special woman it reminded me just how wonderful it is to spend time with a woman in a romantic way. Women often wonder (out loud sometimes) when they hear that I am single and look at me like I am broken. I guess it is a mystery that may never be solved. Lost Link to comment
Clio Posted March 1, 2018 Share Posted March 1, 2018 It sounds like these women, regardless of their qualities, were not your type / there was no spark. It also sounds like you are thinking of getting back in the game. Imo, you are not jaded, just more selective and have adopted a slower pace given that you feel no reason to hurry at this point in your life. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted March 1, 2018 Author Share Posted March 1, 2018 It sounds like these women, regardless of their qualities, were not your type / there was no spark. It also sounds like you are thinking of getting back in the game. Imo, you are not jaded, just more selective and have adopted a slower pace given that you feel no reason to hurry at this point in your life. Yes I have thought about making more of an effort and even getting a profile back up on Match. Maybe this Spring. I am in the process of clearing out some stuff in my life to make more time for me as I have been very busy. My son starts college in the Fall and has his own life coming together which of course means we spend less time together. Just life adjustments... I have pretty good instincts and you may be right that they were not for me. I definitely have a type but I also want to have a more open mind too. Thanks Lost Link to comment
Jibralta Posted March 1, 2018 Share Posted March 1, 2018 I don't mind women hitting on me, I actually like it because many times I think they are out of my league and I wouldn't normally give it a shot. For a woman to be forward with me is refreshing but I admit there have been times when I totally didn't realize their motive until later when I had a "Duh" moment. Lost In that case, maybe this is a wake up call for you to get out there and start hustling again. Link to comment
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