7 years wasted....?

[rosie1121]

Hello everyone, I'm new here and I'm in desperate need of some advice. I have been with the same guy for 7 years, we have lived together for 6. I'll try my best to explain both sides to the best of my ability.

He recently moved out because he said he did not feel appreciated or wanted. He said that because I did not help him with the housework, and that made him feel unappreciated. We have had this conversation many

times throughout the 6 years we have lived together, and I always try to help as much as I can. However, I get up at 4am, feed/water/hay the horses and all the other animals, come back inside get ready for work, then

I'm at work from 6-4pm, after my 45 min commute Im usually home by 5, and I have to repeat all mornings chores. I usually make it in the house about 630-7.. I am exhausted by the time I finally get inside. I get to as much as

I can before it's time for bed. I also have had some issues with depression over the past few years, I feel like after 7 years I'm nothing more than a live in girlfriend. So that has drug me down quite alot, because I'm 30 years old

and want more. I've been there or tried to be there for him since day 1. He makes good money so he's always provided financially for us. We've been very civil with one another, we have had dinner, and hung out he's even stayed the night.

We have a horse that we have "together", hes registered in his name but he is still at the house. He pays me "horse boarding", which is the exact amount of our rent, and he's even left quite a few things at our apartment.

I do have to say I could have done more, he works away so I have to take care of everything while he is away. I have kept all the yard work done, the animals taken care of, the bills, etc, Its just hard for me to keep up with EVERYTHING. Which I have slacked on our relationship because I began to feel like I was wasting my time. He says I am not being truthful with myself, and I don't understand the reasons he left. He suggested I speak to a therapist, which i have an appointment tuesday. I'm probably forgetting somethings but I can elaborate as it comes to me.

[Hollyj]

Have you sat done and gone over responsibilities? Perhaps, when he can see exactly what you do, he will understand that you are doing your fair share.

 

I think that you both should seek couples counseling. This is not about one person.

 

Also, you need to cu off the dates and sex, if he does not want a relationship. You need to stop giving him the benefit of one.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Where did he move to the house where the horse is or the apt? Which is his place and which is your place? It seems he did not want a commitment and used this as an excuse to end things. Severe all ties and do not socialize.

He recently moved out. We have a horse that we have "together", hes registered in his name but he is still at the house. He pays me "horse boarding", which is the exact amount of our rent, and he's even left quite a few things at our apartment.

[rosie1121]

Sorry to hear this. Where did he move to the house where the horse is or the apt? Which is his place and which is your place? It seems he did not want a commitment and used this as an excuse to end things. Severe all ties and do not socialize.

 

He moved to his moms, and the place was both of ours.. we had the apartment together.

[rosie1121]

Yea but when I say what I do take care of, it's either not enough or it's not the correct things.

[DancingFool]

He is taking the coward's way out by putting the blame on you for the relationship ending. The simple reality is that he wants out of the relationship and probably has been wanting out for awhile. However, instead of acting like a decent human being and simply telling you that it's not working for him anymore, he is literally torturing you and trying to make you out to be a bad person that he has to leave. Basically, reducing his guilt and bad feelings about this while putting you through hell.

 

OP, it doesn't matter if you do everything and do it perfectly. He will continue to attack you and blame you and tell you it's not enough. It's not about what you do and don't do, it's simply that the relationship is over. Please do yourself a favor and just send him packing. Do not hang out, do not sleep with him, do not cling on. He'll just keep the blame game up until you break.

[j.man]

What kind of hours does he work? Where does your money go if he's financially providing or is effectively paying your rent in the meantime? I'd think that if you're dual-income but he's more or less providing, there'd be some wiggle room for either a cleaning service or a part-time hand that allows you to dedicate more time to the household itself. Also a bit curious as to what kind of animals you two have and for whose benefit they are considering your full time jobs. It's quite a hard-working, time-consuming, and expensive setup if your livelihoods aren't at least to some degree centered on them.

 

I don't want to throw in for either side here as typically there's a lot of nuance in these division of labor disputes.

[Cqc]

Hi there! I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. Sadly, I’m kinda in the same position. It’s not exactly the same but it’s very similar. I dated my ex for 7.5 years and we lived together for 5 ish. It was his house so everything is in his name. He broke up with me cause he was having his own issues but also felt like I didn’t do enough.

 

I didn’t have a full time job so I can see why my ex was upset but I still worked and I cleaned the house constantly. He needed it almost two weeks ago and I can tell you it’s insanely hard.

 

I had to move back in with my mom and leave my two cats. I’m really sorry you are going through this. I know the pain too well.

 

The best thing I am doing right now is to just avoid him. As much as I want to call or text I don’t. It’s really hard but I just think space is the best thing when you’re going through this. Also try and focus on yourself and do things you like. It’s been hard for me cause I have been feeling so down and lost.

 

After being with someone for so long you forget what it’s like to not be with them. You just have to take it min by min and don’t be afraid to cry.

[rosie1121]

He works away almost all the time. He says he considers me taking care of the house showing him he's wanted and appreciated.. so he's very against that. He says if I can't take care of everything who's to say I can take care of kids and be a wife?

[Wiseman2]

You dodged a bullet. Ask him to board his horse elsewhere so you can move on. It seems the impasse is you wanted marriage kids and he didn't.

He says if I can't take care of everything who's to say I can take care of kids and be a wife?

[Hollyj]

He works away almost all the time. He says he considers me taking care of the house showing him he's wanted and appreciated.. so he's very against that. He says if I can't take care of everything who's to say I can take care of kids and be a wife?

 

That comment would have been enough for me to walk.

 

I agree with the others. He is looking for an out, by blaming you. Time to move on.

[rosie1121]

I've always asked does the fact that i work my ass off, constantly. I do not do drugs, drink, smoke or anything like that not count for anything? I don't consider myself a bad person, yeah i can get lazy on somethings. I tried my best to show him that I loved him.. I'm sorry. I just don't understand why if he wants out so bad, is he still stringing me along with the "rent" issue, horse, leaving so much stuff there, and constantly needing contact with me.

[DancingFool]

I've always asked does the fact that i work my ass off, constantly. I do not do drugs, drink, smoke or anything like that not count for anything? I don't consider myself a bad person, yeah i can get lazy on somethings. I tried my best to show him that I loved him.. I'm sorry. I just don't understand why if he wants out so bad, is he still stringing me along with the "rent" issue, horse, leaving so much stuff there, and constantly needing contact with me.

 

Because he is weaning himself off slowly at your expense. It's on you to actually assert boundaries and cut him off. He is doing this precisely because you are a good person, you do a lot and he doesn't really have any rational reason to end things other than just because. Part of it may well be feeling guilty about it. It's not an easy decision, but it doesn't excuse his unspeakably sh$tty behavior toward you. What he is doing is basically convincing himself that he has some kind of reason to end things....thing is that he doesn't actually need a reason, he doesn't need to blame you or make you out to be a bad person. If he isn't feeling it anymore, that's enough, BUT he isn't decent enough to acknowledge that and move on....so he tortures you and will do so for as long as you allow it. Cut him off and kick him out. Tell him to come get his sh$t and to find boarding for his horse elsewhere. Show some backbone and self respect.

[rosie1121]

Because he is weaning himself off slowly at your expense. It's on you to actually assert boundaries and cut him off. He is doing this precisely because you are a good person, you do a lot and he doesn't really have any rational reason to end things other than just because. It's not an easy decision, but it doesn't excuse his unspeakably sh$tty behavior toward you.

 

So you feel i should just go silent and cut ties as well?

[DancingFool]

So you feel i should just go silent and cut ties as well?

 

Yeah, I edited my response above to add that. Boot him out and save yourself a lot of pain.

[rosie1121]

Ok, what if i do that and he decides he wants to come back that he wants to work it out?

[Hollyj]

I've always asked does the fact that i work my ass off, constantly. I do not do drugs, drink, smoke or anything like that not count for anything? I don't consider myself a bad person, yeah i can get lazy on somethings. I tried my best to show him that I loved him.. I'm sorry. I just don't understand why if he wants out so bad, is he still stringing me along with the "rent" issue, horse, leaving so much stuff there, and constantly needing contact with me.

 

I think you need to be more pro active and take some control of your life. Stop allowing him to dictate everything.

[Hollyj]

Ok, what if i do that and he decides he wants to come back that he wants to work it out?

 

he has not treated you well. You don;t seem to think that you have a voice in anything. i don't understand? You need to make your own decisions.

 

How long has the relationship been like this?

[DancingFool]

Ok, what if i do that and he decides he wants to come back that he wants to work it out?

 

Then you get to cross that bridge IF you ever get there. I would suggest that you actually think long and hard if that's something that you'd actually want. Also, BEFORE you even consider getting back together, you both will need to sit down and have some real heart to heart conversations about your relationship and everything that was wrong with it, including his offensive attitude toward you. I mean.....if a man said to me what this dude is saying to you, I'd laugh in his face as I slam the door shut on him.... His attitude toward you is not acceptable and it would need to be addressed for real. By that I mean not just him sweet talking to you and making some promises to be better, but actually addressing the disordered garbage inside himself that leads that kind of behavior.

 

Personally, I think you need some time away from him to gain some perspective for yourself, so you can start seeing right from wrong again.

 

Also, do not entertain any dinners, chit chat and get togethers with him unless he explicitly tells you that he wants to fix the relationship and is willing to accept his share of responsibility for what went wrong and fix that. It takes two, OP, and he is way way way too busy blaming you and making you out to be a bad person when you aren't. This blame game and gaslighting is why I'm saying that you need to gain some distance and perspective so you can consider better if he is really a right partner for you and whether he even deserves a second chance.....IF he ever asks for it and IF you will even allow it given some 20/20 hindsight for yourself. You might well realize that you are worth more than that.

[Wiseman2]

He had 7 years to work it out but doesn't want marriage or kids and you do.

Ok, what if i do that and he decides he wants to come back that he wants to work it out?

[Hollyj]

He had 7 years to work it out but doesn't want marriage or kids and you do.

 

That's all that matters.

[rosie1121]

He had 7 years to work it out but doesn't want marriage or kids and you do.

 

He tells me he does want that, but i am not upholding my end of the bargain. I know, you guys have been telling me. I really appreciate you guys taking the time out of your day to talk to me.

[fwdthinker]

He is not being fair to you and is too weak to end it properly without making a million excuses. You deserve better. It's time for you to build your own life - one where you surround yourself with people who can see an appreciate YOUR value. You see it's he that is having a problem showing appreciation. Cut him off cold and do not look back. It will be hard at first but without his constant criticism of any thing he can think of - you may soon find that you really are a great person and having his "approval" (affirmation) of that is not needed whatsoever. He sounds really selfish. Being alone and at peace is way better than being with someone who constantly tears you down. You can do this. Find your own job, support yourself. Your confidence will grow quickly.

[Wiseman2]

And then will be this, that and the next hoop to jump through.

He tells me he does want that, but i am not upholding my end of the bargain.

[itsallgrand]

Do you really want to continue a life like this though? It sounds lonely, and you sound like a very hard worker. Do you really want to be treated like this in exchange for him financially providing certain things? Would you want to be a wife and mother who does everything in exchange for hubby making good money anyways?

 

He's kind of treating you like a slave at this point. Of course it's convienent for him to have you take care of the horse, and he can just enjoy the fun stuff. Same with at home, and it's telling he moved in with mommy rather than a place of his own.

 

You can seperate what you need to and settle the affairs and move on, if you want to. Do you really want that kind of life ?