Pros and Cons of getting back with BF

[Jfunbug]

BF wants to get back together but I told him I am not ready yet. I have made a good life for myself and would love to take him back..He has a wedding coming up in the end of May so I am kind of keeping my guard up to see if he invites me as before he never really had me around his fam...

 

Pros:

 

1. He is a nice guy.

2. He is financially secure.

3. He is independent.

4. He is not a free loader.

5. We have good Chemistry.

6. He is a giving person.

7. He pays for dinners.

8. We have the same likes and interests.

9. He is active (We hike, bike ride, go to the gym, dance, ect..not a couch potato).

10. He is faithful.

 

Cons:

 

1. He puts his friends first before me.

2. He allowed female friends to rub his head (Yes the one on his shoulders he has supersoft hair) and tell him how “cute” he was yet I was not allowed to do the same.

3. He is only attracted to women who cheat on him/treat him like crap .

4. He didn’t want me around his family or friends and I was/am not wanted at his family functions.

5. He didn’t want intimacy with me in order to grow together as a couple; he only wanted oral sex performed on him instead of finishing the act together.

6. He wanted to take “Breaks” every time the chips were down and I was treating him like a king, yet allowed ex-girlfriends to walk all over him and use him.

7. He is embarrassed by my personality; my goofiness.

[rosephase]

Why did the break up happen in the first place? What changed that makes you think it'll work better this time?

[reinventmyself]

Have those concerns you listed been addressed?

It's pretty typical to return to the exact same patterns unless they are discussed and exercised.

Personally, a lot of the stuff you mention seem like personality or character flaws.

One's character rarely changes with out some sincere acknowledgement and sincere work on changing.

 

I have to be honest, at least for me - many of the things you listed on your `con' list are total deal breakers for me.

I don't know how you come back from that.

[Jfunbug]

Hi he wanted a break and I went NC. He tried reaching out two weeks after the break up and I didn't respond until maybe two months later. We have been texting and he wants me back but I told him I am not ready. I told him we need ground rules if we get back and sent him an email of what I expect if and when we get back together. He said ok but I need proof, not lip service. He is in medical school and he claims he was stressed out due to his studies and almost failing in his last semester but has upped his grades.....

[Jfunbug]

Hi thanks for the replies these are issues that I felt were happening but never talked to him about it. We did talk and square alot away but I want to make it clear to him that I will expect nothing less of what I want if/when we get back.

[abitbroken]

1. He is a nice guy.

2. He is financially secure.

3. He is independent.

4. He is not a free loader.

5. We have good Chemistry.

6. He is a giving person.

7. He pays for dinners.

8. We have the same likes and interests.

9. He is active (We hike, bike ride, go to the gym, dance, ect..not a couch potato).

10. He is faithful.

 

#6 what does that mean ??

#7 that should not even be a priority.

#10 he is NOT faithful if he puts female friends before you. He doesn't have to have intercourse to be unfaithful.

 

All the other things are things that are basic entry level qualities in order to agree to go on a date with someone -- they are a starting point to "see where things go" to learn more about them. many people have these qualities. he is not unique. Being that your con list is a list of dealbreakers (he doesn't want you around the family, puts female friends first) there is no way i would try again with this guy.

 

I think that you should not just be "not ready" - your answer should be no. you know what kind of person he is now. You should not be in a relationship to teach someone basic respect. As a grownup these are things he should just automatically be and know.

[Wiseman2]

After 7 mos of dating and all this drama, it's best to cut your losses. He sounds like a cad. Don't be lured in this time, he may just be having a dry spell. You can do better than this guy. These should be absolute deal-breakers:

4. He didn’t want me around his family or friends and I was/am not wanted at his family functions.

5. He didn’t want intimacy with me in order to grow together as a couple; he only wanted oral sex performed on him instead of finishing the act together.

6. He wanted to take “Breaks” every time the chips were down

7. He is embarrassed by my personality; my goofiness.

[reinventmyself]

1. He is a nice guy.

2. He is financially secure.

3. He is independent.

4. He is not a free loader.

5. We have good Chemistry.

6. He is a giving person.

7. He pays for dinners.

8. We have the same likes and interests.

9. He is active (We hike, bike ride, go to the gym, dance, ect..not a couch potato).

10. He is faithful.

 

 

I agree with abitbroken. The list of pro's are just basic minimal decency. They don't outweigh the serious negative issues you have going with this guy.

It's a steep hill to climb. If you think you would want to do this, please know it could take sometime before he reverts back to his old ways.

People are good at hiding things when there is something they are want.

 

Are you willing to go through all this again just to find out nothing has changed?

 

It comes a time in life that we need to accept people as they are. He has shown you who he is and from where I sit he doesn't seem to respect women very much.

[DaisyMayPorter]

I’m sorry “he’s only attracted to people who cheat on him/treat him like crap?” So is he attracted to you and did you do this? I feel like the cons outweigh the pros by far. I mean, he’s embarrassed by your personality and doesn’t want you to meet his family? And you’re ok with this? I think you should continue the break and let him go to that wedding solo and find someone where there are no cons. Sorry.

[Hollyj]

The bit about you being a secret and not an important part of his life, should have been enough for you to bail.

 

Nothing will be different. Certainly, there are other people you can date.

[Hollyj]

Hi he wanted a break and I went NC. He tried reaching out two weeks after the break up and I didn't respond until maybe two months later. We have been texting and he wants me back but I told him I am not ready. I told him we need ground rules if we get back and sent him an email of what I expect if and when we get back together. He said ok but I need proof, not lip service. He is in medical school and he claims he was stressed out due to his studies and almost failing in his last semester but has upped his grades.....

 

These are things that one should not have to explain. It is called respect in a relationship. Expect a lot more for yourself.