SadDolphin Posted February 12, 2018 Share Posted February 12, 2018 I have been dating someone for 1 year. We are both in our mid 30s. I only see him twice a month as he lives 4 hours away. Let's call him Bob. We met through an online through a dating site. There were little "red flags" or things I didn't like but I dismiss them because I was in love. Recently as of 2 months ago I started talking with an old group of friends. One in particular I am growing to like. Let's call him Joseph. Nothing sexual is ever discussed with this person and nothing inappropriate. But his good kind heart has made me wake up to all of the bad things about Bob. The bad things I am seeing in Bob that I dismissed prior: He lives at home and is VERY disrespectful to his parents sometimes. Born with a silver spoon, he does not have to pay any bills. (something I cannot relate to) The temper can he very short. He will get upset if you say something that is obvious. (Like if anyone were to think he is stupid, although he is VERY smart) I have traveled the 4 hours for a year and he has never come out to see me. (He rides a bike but there are other modes of transportation) I drove him to me once to stay for a month and he did not pay for one single thing He has been on gay apps, websites, forums and groups During sex he does not stay...up? It will go limp after 5 minutes. (Now if he has a disorder I do not know, and this isn't really a negative because I will love someone no matter what. I am just stating this in case it has a connection) Joseph is the most kind person I have ever met. He is making me realize all of these bad things about Bob. I have a daughter with downs syndrome and he has a brother with the same condition. He relates to my situation. Something that Bob doesn't understand. Joseph asks me how I am doing every day, and shows concern. We connect on all levels from anxiety issues to previous relationship issues and situations. Here is my problem. Bob's family loves me. They call me their daughter. AND almost all of Bob's belongings are in my garage. Bob is supposed to move in 6 months from now. I am falling out of love with Bob and in love with Joseph. Bob's entire family is moving across the county and was planning on taking Bob until we decided for him to move in. There is still time. I would gladly mail his belongings or do what I need to. I desperately need advice. Please help. Link to comment
DanZee Posted February 13, 2018 Share Posted February 13, 2018 Bob was going to move in with you? Send him packing! You really didn't see these flaws before? Geez! Get Joseph to help you get rid of this guy! Who cares if Bob's family likes you? You suspect the guy is gay and has been using you! That's why he can't stay up. Why were you ready to settle for that? Being single is better than life with this loser! Link to comment
DaisyMayPorter Posted February 14, 2018 Share Posted February 14, 2018 Ok, please break up with Bob. That's it. Link to comment
sfindependent Posted February 14, 2018 Share Posted February 14, 2018 sounds like Bob is more like a responsibility than a partner. Does he plan to change? and how, if that's the plan? Link to comment
SadDolphin Posted February 15, 2018 Author Share Posted February 15, 2018 I think I did see these flaws I just dismissed them. I was hoping he wasn’t using me just to please his family. I do believe that he does have feelings for me and loves me but the these negatives are too great. I was ready to settle for that yes. Maybe I need to learn more self love first. Thank you for your point of view it really helps me see things from the outside ❤️ Link to comment
Pleasedonot5 Posted February 15, 2018 Share Posted February 15, 2018 Looks like you and Bob have core incompatibilities. I would advise breaking up with Bob even if Joseph wasn't mentioned. Break up with Bob, but don't expect (nor try to) run right to Joseph as your rebound. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted February 15, 2018 Share Posted February 15, 2018 It's fine to realize that bob is a horrible unsustainable match and end things. Tell him it's not working out. Simple. Do not pity-date or worry about his strange family. Text bob to have his mommy or daddy get a truck and get his stuff out of your house. Get out of this nightmare and date the more mature local guy. Never play parent to a partner or try to fix them. Don't do that with the new guy. Treat him like a functioning adult. almost all of Bob's belongings are in my garage. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted February 15, 2018 Share Posted February 15, 2018 Break up with Bob. If you like, but his things in storage if you don't think he will take the breakup well. BTW, how are his things at your place if he has never traveled to see you?? Did you cart them with you? Sorry, how can you let a man move in with you if your daughter has down's syndrome and he doesn't accept her. You are not dating his family, you are dating Bob. Don't start dating Joseph - just break up cleanly with Bob and go from there. Link to comment
juliarmumford Posted February 15, 2018 Share Posted February 15, 2018 I really think you answered your own question here. I think you feel obligated to Bob but you are falling in love with Joseph. Link to comment
SadDolphin Posted February 15, 2018 Author Share Posted February 15, 2018 BTW, how are his things at your place if he has never traveled to see you?? Did you cart them with you? Sorry, how can you let a man move in with you if your daughter has down's syndrome and he doesn't accept her Yes I brought all of his things in my car. And it’s not that he doesn’t accept her. He just doesn’t understand completely what it’s like to deal with a special needs child. Link to comment
SadDolphin Posted February 15, 2018 Author Share Posted February 15, 2018 Yes I am not looking for a rebound or to jump into a relationship. Joseph is a crush and an amazing person and that’s how it will stay for now. I believe being alone for a while is the best decision. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted February 16, 2018 Share Posted February 16, 2018 Yes I brought all of his things in my car. And it’s not that he doesn’t accept her. He just doesn’t understand completely what it’s like to deal with a special needs child. Oh boy. So he has never come to visit you and you have even moved the guy by yourself. Are you afraid of not meeting anyone, so therefore you were willing to do 100% of the work in the relationship. How can you have a guy move in who has never even been to your house? This guy has it made - he doesn't have to lift a finger. And so he would move in - you would cook, clean and pay the bills and he would sit like a bump on the log with mommy and daddy paying his car payment and luxury bills? Link to comment
SadDolphin Posted February 18, 2018 Author Share Posted February 18, 2018 Oh boy. So he has never come to visit you and you have even moved the guy by yourself. Are you afraid of not meeting anyone, so therefore you were willing to do 100% of the work in the relationship. How can you have a guy move in who has never even been to your house? This guy has it made - he doesn't have to lift a finger. And so he would move in - you would cook, clean and pay the bills and he would sit like a bump on the log with mommy and daddy paying his car payment and luxury bills? thank you for helping open my eyes. Link to comment
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