mamaalien Posted February 7, 2018 Share Posted February 7, 2018 I came here because I literally have no idea who else I could/would talk to. Honestly, even if I did have someone to talk to, I don’t really want to include anyone that is involved in our lives with what I’m about to spill... I’m 25 years old and I been with this man for about two years and we live together. Everything seems to be going great to everyone on the outside. But I’ve been keeping a huge part of my life from everyone I care about in fear of judgement and in an attempt to spare my own embarrassment. The guy that I have been dating and am very in love with has a drug problem with pills. It was opiates and now it is Subutex. He started doing the Sub to get off of pain pills but not he’s addicted to those. He definitely doesn’t go a day without using, if he can help it at all. He’s what I refer to as a functioning drug addict. He still goes to work every day, pays his bills on time, takes care of himself, and loves me very much, as well. The problem I am having... I feel like I have been living my life wearing rose colored glasses for almost the entire relationship. Just being totally honest here: I started using right alongside of him. I didn’t try it thinking I would become addicted, but here we are. He claims that he needs his medicine and that he knows I do, too. That it helps helps of us both with our mental state. We both have a lot of depression problems and have since way before we started dating. So, bluntly put, at this point he finds living a sober life very grey and dull. I on the other hand, just want to feel happy and less lethargic due to the depression; the Sub definitely makes us both happier and it gives me the energy it takes to get through the day. But I’m starting to question a lot of things about my life. I do have depression and anxiety, but I don’t know if the pills we are taking are what we need to keep those mental illnesses at bay. I know that at this point, when we arent on it, those side effects of our depression hit us very hard. Maybe harder than before. We have both been living convinced that while we haven’t been prescribed these meds from a doctor, it’s what we need to be normal. I don’t believe he and I are your typical addicts. But, I really don’t know because I’ve never been addicted to using drugs before now. I recreationally did certain pills before he and I were together, but nothing to this degree. Ever. Here lately, I’ve had a lot on my mind. Is this the life I imagined I’d be living at 25? No. I want to go to school and start investing in a real career. I want to save money and eventually buy a home. And plenty of other things. I don’t want to live the rest of my life trying to make sure I have enough medicine to get through the week. Especially since we are having to buy our meds off of the street. If we were prescribed something from a doctor I feel like I wouldn’t be beating myself up nearly as bad for wanting to feel happy, energized, and level. You know, like people without depression. Even still, I want more out of life than working, paying bills, and scoring drugs that make me feel less sad about existing in the world. I want to go speak with a doctor about what is wrong with me and get help from a professional. I’m tired of spending so much money on these pills. I just don’t believe that I am ever going to be happy living this drug addict lifestyle of getting paid, buying drugs, making those drugs last as long as possible, and then finding more when we run out. I want more out of life like I touched on above... I’m scared of being alone. But I’m also growing more and more scared of waking up one day and feeling like I didn’t accomplish anything that I wanted to accomplish. And on top of that, because of all the stress and worry going on in my mind, I’m starting to grow very unhappy with my life. With or without the drugs. If I lay all these feelings out and he disagrees with me on what he wants out of his life, should I leave him? I mean, if I want to continue growing and he wants to remain complacent then I need to leave him, right? Whether I love him or not... PLEASE. Don’t judge, or do. I really don’t care. I just need UNBIASED advice. Link to comment
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