Got myself into a mess, please help

[Jalapeno1234]

I started seeing this guy 3 months ago. Due to us both being in serious relationships(that went wrong) one year prior to us meeting, we both agreed that we'd take this as sloowwww as possible. It was perfect. He lives 45 mins away (Im in the countryside and hes in the city) and so i was only able to see him once a week due to his crazy schedule. He NEVER implied any status of us, or "where this was going" but after one month of us dating, I could sense we were really getting into things fast. NOT physically, but in terms of "I cant wait to see you/Youre so gorgeous/Wanna go to dinner tonight?". I've had a good think this month about if this is really gonna last as both of us are in our mid twenties and arent exactly looking for "fun" anymore, and after around 14 weeks of seeing him, I see no real compatibility except for our attraction toward eachother.

 

At a certain point, he started saying that his dad was "keen" to meet me. I asked him why his dad specifically, and he said "well Ive told him about you so so much and I have been messed around so many times in the past, he knows youre different."... this was concerning, but due to the fact it had only been a month, I sort of laughed it off and said "haha maybe he will eventually meet me.". Around the same time, I made the very stupid mistake of then telling my mum. Bad idea. My mum is very very strict, judgemental when it comes to guys and immediately found all of his social media and told me to "stay away" as he is a tame but consistent drinker. It doesnt bother me as he only does it due to his social life, but..all of my family got involved and Christmas was a very bad atmosphere. I kept my mouth shut throughout this month as his name brings a very bad tone in mine and my mums relationship(we are very close). And so, just a few weeks ago when I met his dad, he didnt say one word to me but kept a close eye. I pushed myself and started talking to him, to which he then seemed impressed and apparantly said to the guy "shes the only girl youve been with whos actually talked to me. I like her". I was happy, but, a couple of weeks ago when I was mulling things over between us, I cancelled our date night as I came down with the flu. The guy seemed pissed and said "Its like I dont see you. im crazy about you but you always say youre sick and why cant i come to yours?" .... this pressure has really put me off the whole thing. I cant bring him round cos of my family, I also DO get sick alot during winter (I DONT DEAL WELL WITH ANXIOUS SITUATIONS) and moreover, I heard from a mutual friend of ours that a girl my guy was seeing back in july, for ONE month, got a very bad response from his dad because she "hurt" him by stopping things between them. Im petrified. Im petrified what they'll write online which my mum is looking at. Im scared to hurt this guy because he is very very sensitive. I'm angry because I made a point of telling myself to stop this after 4 dates cos I had a bad feeling. But I wanted to follow my gut and in all fairness he has been lovely - last week, the conversation came up of "what are we?" I told him very honestly "Well..I tell people im not single. I tell people Im seeing someone. But..I still have issues with being in a relationship..but I am not gonna be the girl to say I dont have a boyfriend because I've stayed at your place three times. I dont wanna be a , but I have still got some things to sort out in my head"..he seemed to accept all this and we had a nice night. But as soon as Im away from the city, I'm feeding off a ton of messages we send that never goes past "I cant wait to see you...".

 

What do I do to get out of this?

EDIT - The advice I think I need is how do I tell him I want to stop this without saying "we're not compatible." I feel like its arrogant if I say that as it implies my interests are too good for his or maybe channeled by what he likes differently ...

[SweetGirl28]

To me, from the way I'm reading this, I don't really see an issue with him.

It's the honeymoon phase, and he's into you. Of course he wants to spend time with you.

He's showing interest.

It appears the issues are within yourself, and you care a great deal about what your mothers opinion is,

which is causing you to want to pull out of this even more than what your feelings are for wanting out.

 

I think it's an irrational fear you have to worry about what they may write about you on social media.

Bottom line, you just aren't feeling it, so end it. Be honest and if he does not respect your wishes,

then you can block him from your phone and social media.

[Andrina]

For one thing, if you're carrying around emotional baggage from the past, don't date. Read some articles on how to let something go that doesn't help you at all, and will sabotage whatever you have with a potential bf. Your parents are older and know the horrors of when people regularly drink, so they are watching out for you, and on top of that, you say you and he are not compatible.

 

It doesn't matter what you say to him when you break up. You'll never have to see him again. But if you want to tell him something he can't argue with, tell him you don't feel what you should be feeling to be in a lifetime relationship with him. Don't let him keep you engaged in conversation and have you explaining. I'd cut it short and say, "I'm sorry, but it's not working for me. I wish you the best." And then hang up. You can't control what his father posts, and you can't stay with someone for fear of retaliation. Take care.

[Hollyj]

You have created problems that DO NOT exist.

 

This thing with your mother is ridiculous. You are an adult. Take control of your life!!!!!

 

If you do not like him, then end it.

[Liraele]

You're in your 20's and letting your family dictate your dating... with a person they haven't even met? That's an issue I'd work on if I were you.

 

As for him, just be honest and tell him you aren't feeling it. Stop stringing him along.

[DancingFool]

OP, listening to your gut means walking away the moment you get a bad feeling about a guy you've just met. Carrying on despite getting that bad vibe is failing to listen to your gut.

 

Anyway, don't over complicate this in your mind and start creating horror stories for yourself that don't exist. You end things by being straight and to the point. "I'm sorry but this isn't working for me. I'm not feeling it. Wish you the best in finding the right girl for yourself." For me at least, that seems to do the trick with the "sensitive" types. Be firm and don't get into debates or answering why type questions.

[Jalapeno1234]

Thanks guys, I have been told I overthink..I also know I need to just do it, but the way Hes talking is seemingly the opposite of what I feel... I have decided to do it properly in person as I feel a coward - but the temptation is there to call him first so hes not mad ....

 

Will take all of your suggestions on board