crystal11 Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 Hello, Me and my boyfriend has been together for a year. We meet every week but we do't do any sexual things (it's culture and religious thing not to sleep together before marriage so it's acceptable for him). Only kisses and hugs. We are in committed relationship so we don't see anyone else. He is giving me hints and jokes about getting married but he didn't say it directly to me. I respond to his jokes by laughing and no comment. He seems he will propose after i finish my master (he said I want our relationship to develop after finishing your studies) but I don't know what he's thinking of since he didn't mention this in a clear sentence. I can't discuss these things with him I want him to tell me if he is really welling to get married to me in order to tell him what i'm feeling. I'm really confused and I don't want him to think I don't want to marry him. I really see marriage as a hard thing to do in life but I love him as person. He is caring and loving, he also respects me a lot. but i'm also lost and I don't know if I really want to get married. I can't discuss fears to him since he didn't mention that to me. I need your advice Link to comment
j.man Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 Which of these would you say apply? 1) You're not sure if you ever want to get married, period. 2) You're not sure you want to marry him. 3) You know (or are at least questioning the possibility) that you don't want to marry him, specifically. If #1 or #3, I think you definitely need to have a serious conversation with him. If #2, I think it's perfectly healthy. I wasn't certain I wanted to marry my now fiancee back when we'd only been dating a year. But I did know I wanted to stick with things and see how my feelings about it continued to develop. If you don't at least have that, it'd be a pretty telling sign. Link to comment
crystal11 Posted January 10, 2018 Author Share Posted January 10, 2018 I think #1. But I'm not sure if I'm really ready for marriage. I can see him as a good husband. If he would open the subject, I could talk to him with that, tell him about y fears, but he didn't so I will not start it Link to comment
j.man Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 Not being ready for marriage isn't the same as never wanting to get married. You two are only a year in, and I'm assuming you're still young. There's nothing wrong with not being in a rush. But if part of you isn't sure you ever want to get married, as in the institution itself may not be right for you, regardless of with him or any other man, that's something you should communicate as that is an eventual life goal of his. It's an awfully big compatibility if it isn't one of yours. Again, if it's that you think he could make a good husband and that you might someday want to marry him, but just aren't sure now, that's completely natural for only having dated one year. He's already stated he's not proposing until after you graduate anyhow, so depending how long you've got, it's sounding like you've got time for things to develop and to be more sure and confident in a future. As for not wanting to voice your fears because he hasn't, that's not how it works. To overgeneralize a bit, your boyfriend isn't a girlfriend of yours, where you might have a whole give-and-take thing going on when it comes to venting or emotional exchanges. He's going to be more likely to internalize and deal with whatever fears, which is absolutely fine. But that doesn't mean you should be sitting on yours, especially if it's something as big as potentially never wanting to marry. Also, I have to ask just because I'd initially overlooked it-- whose religious values prohibit sexual interaction prior to marriage? Yours, his, or both? Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 Why don't you talk to him? Remember, you are a part of the equation, and a healthy relationship is based on communication. Link to comment
Keyman Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 Why wait from talking to him about it? If he has hinted at marriage in the past, but you have never discussed it, then he might be waiting for a special moment to pop the question thinking that his wonderful girlfriend will say yes, and when you say no, he is going to be devastated. Additionally, if you do not want to get married, do you even want to be in a relationship? What is the difference for you? Is it the sexual side of it? Link to comment
crystal11 Posted January 10, 2018 Author Share Posted January 10, 2018 Thank you so much your answer helped me a lot. I think I will wait and give it a time to develop my feelings more. I'm 27 and he's 29. And you are right I think he doesn't want to promise me but I don't know the reason. regarding your question, the religious values related to both of us. Link to comment
crystal11 Posted January 10, 2018 Author Share Posted January 10, 2018 I don't think it's a good idea. I don't want to rush things or put pressure on him. Also, I think this subject should be started by the man. Link to comment
crystal11 Posted January 10, 2018 Author Share Posted January 10, 2018 He hinted, I want him to say it clear in order to tell him about my opinion Yeah I want to be with him. The marriage for me is a big responsibility and huge shift in the life. I see it like this so it's bring me complex feelings and fears. It's not because of sexual side I'm ok with that. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 I don't think it's a good idea. I don't want to rush things or put pressure on him. Also, I think this subject should be started by the man. UGH! He has already mentioned it. I hope you do not believe that the man makes all of the decisions in the household? Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 I don't think it's a good idea. I don't want to rush things or put pressure on him. Also, I think this subject should be started by the man. I think you should talk to him - especially since he has started opening the subject by saying he might propose. I think you should definitely have a conversation about future goals regarding marriage, etc.... BEFORE he gets down on his knee and presents you with a ring (or whatever your customs are), because you're kind of put on the spot to say "YES" or "NO" and don't have time to discuss other issues - ie, kids, career, lifestyle, etc..... So yeah, I would bring it up, especially if he's joking about it - talk about your future goals and if they match and what he wants from a wife and what you want from a husband, if you want children, how many children, etc... Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 Next time he jokes about it tell him you could see that with him....down the road when you are done studying.I don't want him to think I don't want to marry him Link to comment
kamurj Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 Multiple accounts are not allowed. Thread closed. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.