Should I send her one last message before starting the no-contact phase?

[YesIBelieve]

(Note: I am doing this to get her back. I know some people disagree with that mentality and think you should look at other fish in the sea, but it is what it is. I'm not trying to get over her. I want her back.)

 

Last night my fiancée broke up with me (or did she? Her profile picture is still a photo of us together, and she didn't say that the break was permanent and non-negotiable). Admittedly, I didn't take it well, I cried on the phone call with her and even said that I don't want to live anymore (but then clarified that I wouldn't actually kill myself). I also said that I'm not gonna go to work today. She ended the talk pretty abruptly when I said "I don't want this to be the last words" and she said "but they will be" and hung up on me. I texted her a few things after that, and then she said "I like being alone". I responded with "I don't".

 

At that point, I discovered the concept of NoContact. The explanations online, how she broke up because I was too clingy, responded to her messages too quickly, gave her too much attention and too many compliments etc., you get the idea... all fit me to a tee. It made so much sense and implementing NoContact as an attempt to get her back seemed like a very good idea.

 

I decided to go to my job anyway. But then at work she started messaging me. First she asked me "why not?" and then she started trying to call me on skype. She wrote that she wants to make sure I am ok, and every time she called me, I declined the call and then she'd call me again and I'd decline again. She must have tried to call about 10 times in the span of around 3 hours, and I am sure when she wakes up, she'll continue spam-calling me.

 

Now I told a co-worker about this, and he said I should still talk to her once or twice a day but be short and concise and don't show any feelings for her. I'm not sure I agree with him, since most people online seem to be saying that strict NoContact for at least a couple of weeks is the way to go.

 

However, I am considering just writing her "I'm fine. was at work" as a last message before going on NoContact for about 21 days. This would have multiple benefits I believe: Firstly, if she thinks I'm gonna hurt myself, this would reassure her that I am not. Secondly, this would leave the conversation on a positive note. Not with me saying something negative/clingy as the last thing, but with me saying something confident. She would wonder why I'm fine and think I'm having a decent time without her.

 

The only thing is, what should I do when she inevitably calls me after I write her that? Wouldn't it be weird to just ignore her completely right after I write something? What do you guys think I should do?

[TrueBlue631]

Text her back "I'm fine, I'm at work", and something along the lines that you need some time to yourself to reflect, and feel it's best that the two of you take a break from communicating for a while.

 

That solves the issue of whether she thinks you're going to hurt yourself (hopefully you don't, it's not worth it), as well as gives her a heads up why you won't be answering her calls anymore.

[Imho]

I agree that you should let her know that you are okay and lend the relationship on a positive note. You shouldn't assume that she ended the relationship based on what you read regarding no contact. Her reasons may be totally different. Why do you say it is inevitable that she will call you being that she ended the relationship? You stated that you are clingy and have other issues. Perhaps you can use that time to work on you. It's difficult to change someone's mind and make them be with you and eventually it still leads to the same ending. Let her know that you are okay, if you want to respond to her text do so. Don't play games but if she does began texting you it would make me wonder if she is playing some sort of game. Personally, I wouldn't end a relationship and continuing texting that person.

[Wiseman2]

What was the breakup about? A lot depends on that. Do you argue like this a lot lately?

[Hollyj]

Tell her you are okay. Tell her you think it would be best not to be in ANY contact, unless she would like to discuss a reconciliation. Then, wish her the best.

 

Do not reach out in 21 days, 30 days, or 60 days.

[Annia]

Tell her you are okay. Tell her you think it would be best not to be in ANY contact, unless she would like to discuss a reconciliation. Then, wish her the best.

 

Do not reach out in 21 days, 30 days, or 60 days.

 

I agree with this. Weather you want to move on or get someone back it's always best to end the relationship in a mature and positive way. It shows you're balanced, healthy and mature. People who end relationships with crying, begging, emotional blackmail, showing the ex they're unstable and desperate and all that have fewer chances of reconciliation... because who would want to be in a relationship with someone like this? It just makes them think "I made the best decision in breaking up with them".

 

This also gives them the chance of actual thinking about the relationship in peace and eventually miss you.

[YesIBelieve]

Update: I did text her "I'm fine. was at work". She replied "I thought u didn't go to work". I waited an hour or two and said "I went to work anyway. It was a good decision, I talked with coworkers about it". Then she replied "What did they say?". I waited one or two hours again and just said "I really have to go now. Talk to you soon". She then wrote me "I am at work, where are you going?" and also sent me a picture on snapchat that I didn't open. Did I do ok? I didn't tell her that I think we shouldn't talk for a while or anything like that, I just stopped replying.

 

Now today when I was at work, she did the same thing she did yesterday: Tried to text me and call me on skype. This time she wrote three things separated by a few hours each. First just "Hey", then "[My name]", and lastly "why are you ignoring me? I miss talkin to you". Like I said, between those messages she called me, and I declined.

 

Do you guys have any idea why she's doing this? Is it because I didn't tell her that I think I need some time and space to talk about things and instead just disappeared mysteriously? I mean a lot of online guides recommend that "sudden no contact" as opposed to stating to her what you're doing. But I just think it's weird. When you hear from other people, their ex doesn't text them for the first few weeks of NoContact at all, and mine seems to think we're still together and that she never broke up with me at all! The ironic thing is that one of the reasons she stated when she broke up with me was that I am too clingy and don't give her enough space. But now she's the one acting like a stereotypical dumpee and blows up my skype. Tables they turn sometimes huh?

 

I agree that you should let her know that you are okay and lend the relationship on a positive note. You shouldn't assume that she ended the relationship based on what you read regarding no contact. Her reasons may be totally different. Why do you say it is inevitable that she will call you being that she ended the relationship? You stated that you are clingy and have other issues. Perhaps you can use that time to work on you. It's difficult to change someone's mind and make them be with you and eventually it still leads to the same ending. Let her know that you are okay, if you want to respond to her text do so. Don't play games but if she does began texting you it would make me wonder if she is playing some sort of game. Personally, I wouldn't end a relationship and continuing texting that person.

 

She plainly told me in the days and weeks leading up to the break up that I don't leave her enough space, and that she is losing attraction to me. I plan to rectify this by never again constantly responding to her texts right away again like I did when we were in the relationship. I mean she did too, but it's worse when the man does it, apparently. And yes, I do plan on using this time to better myself in every way I can so that if we do get together again, I can keep her this time. I'm wondering what game she is playing, too. Especially now that I told her that I'm fine and she still wants to talk to me

 

What was the breakup about? A lot depends on that. Do you argue like this a lot lately?

 

In addition to what I already mentioned, she also was mad at me for being too passive and too much of a pushover, and not assertive enough. Additionally, she said that she thinks I am too thin (I actually am, I'm almost underweight) and that she prefers men who weigh more. She also told me that she was flirting with a guy from work during the last few weeks of our relationship, which makes me kind of worried about a long no-contact period, and makes that 8-11 day period that one website advocates really appealing

 

Tell her you are okay. Tell her you think it would be best not to be in ANY contact, unless she would like to discuss a reconciliation. Then, wish her the best.

 

Do not reach out in 21 days, 30 days, or 60 days.

 

I've been wondering about this, some people have these set amounts of days after which you should reach out while others say that waiting for her to want to get back together is the better way.

 

If she continues writing and calling me all the time, what should I do?. Break no contact to write her something or keep strict no contact?

[catfeeder]

If she continues writing and calling me all the time, what should I do?. Break no contact to write her something or keep strict no contact?

 

I'd just tell her that I appreciate her concern, I'm not angry, but I don't believe we should be in contact. If she ever decides that she wants to reconcile, she can let me know, and if I'm still free then, we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish her the best.

 

I'd make it my private goal to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back from this. It's your percentage play: nothing could be more enticing to hear about you, and nothing could be more healing for you and your ability to move forward.

 

I'd trust that if 'we' were ever a meant-to-be deal, you'll both meet on higher ground someday, but you'll both need to get to that place on your own. I'd invest my focus in going there rather than attempting to manipulate someone who wants out. Otherwise, you wouldn't trust that she's back for the right reasons, and you wouldn't have grown or changed enough to maintain a better relationship if she ever does come back--or to find a better one if she doesn't.

 

Head high, you can do this.

[YesIBelieve]

she just started spam calling me again and wrote "why won't you answer, vvtf"

 

I don't know if I should do what catfeeder said and explain to her that I need time and space and that we shouldn't talk for a while or if I should continue ignoring her.

 

Some say that you should only respond to medical emergencies while others say that ignoring your ex like I'm doing right now just makes her resent you. Idk what to do

[YesIBelieve]

She also just wrote "[my name] I am worried about you". Does this mean that she is really just still worried I could hurt myself? Should I reassure her again? Or is this just a mind game she's playing, especially considering it's the weekend right now; maybe she is worried I'm already going out to clubs or something

[catfeeder]

She also just wrote "[my name] I am worried about you". Does this mean that she is really just still worried I could hurt myself? Should I reassure her again? Or is this just a mind game she's playing, especially considering it's the weekend right now; maybe she is worried I'm already going out to clubs or something

 

This is why I gave the advice I did: worrying about you will only cause her to resent you. Skip the manipulation, it's very short sighted. Worry is not love, and it burns people out quickly and makes them furious and adverse. Is that what you're shooting for?

[emzara]

Ouch, there's a lot of manipulation going on. Talking about suicide? Unless you are seriously contemplating it, this isn't a nice thing to do. It sounds manipulative.

 

Going no contact to get her back? Also manipulative. No contact is something you do with an abusive person who needs to be shut out of your life. Not something you do with someone you love and want to marry.

 

Be honest. Communicate. Don't play games.

 

I would want to know why she broke up? What does she need? What are her feelings?

[YesIBelieve]

I'm honestly doing no contact because I googled "how to get my ex back" and on YouTube too the best advice seems to be to do NoContact while simultaneously improving yourself during the time of no contact so your ex can see what it is like to be without you and realize she made a mistake

 

NoContact is supposed to make you more attractive in her eyes by showing that you can have a life without her and you're surprising her by NOT telling her how sad you feel, how she broke your heart etc.

 

So I am a little hesitant to message her right now, but 17 attempted skype calls in less than two hours seems pretty extreme, maybe I really should...

[emzara]

Answer her Skype call.

 

Stop watching BS Youtube videos.

 

FWIW

[boltnrun]

Tell her you're fine, but unless she wants to discuss reconciling you prefer she not contact you.

[YesIBelieve]

I have some big news.

 

Even though I strongly considered writing her a message, I didn't take your advice and continued ignoring her and keeping strict NoContact.

 

Then a few minutes ago, I get a message from her saying "I want to work things out"

 

I know it's too early for celebration but what are my next steps from here? How do I keep my position of power and not just go full beta male in her eyes again?

[Wiseman2]

Decide whether to end it or reconcile, then act accordingly. Stop the drama of threatening suicide, claiming you were too distraught to go to work or worse gossiping about your love-life drama to coworkers and taunting her with their supposed hearsay/input.

 

Playing games like waiting hours to answer her and replying with innuendos etc. looks unassertive and passive-aggressive. Stand up for yourself and either end it or reconcile. Don't be a drama-queen. This nonsense sounds like more bickering and mutual mind-games. When you are mentally abusive like this, expect the same in return.

Does this mean that she is really just still worried I could hurt myself? maybe she is worried I'm already going out to clubs or something

[YesIBelieve]

Decide whether to end it or reconcile, then act accordingly. Stop the drama of threatening suicide, claiming you were too distraught to go to work or worse gossiping about your love-life drama to coworkers and taunting her with their supposed hearsay/input.

 

Playing games like waiting hours to answer her and replying with innuendos etc. looks unassertive and passive-aggressive. Stand up for yourself and either end it or reconcile. Don't be a drama-queen. This nonsense sounds like more bickering and mutual mind-games. When you are mentally abusive like this, expect the same in return.

 

I think you are misinterpreting what I wrote or maybe I didn't express myself clear enough. I already stopped all that stuff, that was just what I told her right after she broke up and I was in shock and didn't know what to do.

 

I really want to get back together with her, but I wanna make sure I do everything correctly from now on. I fear that one false move could lead her to break up with me a second time if we get back together.

 

My friend says that I should ignore her for 2 more days because that would make me seem even more alpha. I don't know if I should trust him or trust you guys here

[SweetGirl28]

I'm gonna be a real b**** right now because what you are doing is so very wrong.

You used manipulation to catch her attention. Threatening suicide, not answering her

calls and texts. Really? Using NC as a means to keep her guessing??? She was worried,

probably thinking you might have really harmed yourself.

 

This is disastrous. You should never, ever, use guilt and threats of self harm in an attempt to

get someone back into your life.

[IAmFCA]

op

 

have you ever considered that your words and actions, when they are thoughtfully expressed and an honest reflection of your intent, are more powerful than any game?

 

be true to yourself

[boltnrun]

Your friend's Corey Wayne PUA advice is garbage. Please don't listen to that friend.

 

Ever think of just being honest with her?

[Imho]

I have some big news.

 

Even though I strongly considered writing her a message, I didn't take your advice and continued ignoring her and keeping strict NoContact.

 

Then a few minutes ago, I get a message from her saying "I want to work things out"

 

I know it's too early for celebration but what are my next steps from here? How do I keep my position of power and not just go full beta male in her eyes again?

 

Your initial goal was to get her back and you have done that so congratulations...I guess

She abruptly ended the relationship and stated she likes being alone. You had to play manipulative mind games to get her back. Not healthy.

Some people (her) don't know what they want. If she truly wanted to end things why was she repeatedly calling you (even after you told her you were okay) and wanting to know what you were doing and where you were going as well as what your friends said regarding the situation?

She sounds like she was playing some sort of mind games and then you did the same to get her back. So what now? Are you going to keep it up? She only seems interested when you are not. It's going to be exhausting trying to figure out if you should respond or ignore her and when you should respond.

The two of you need to communicate and be honest about your relationship expectations.