Guilt, Hurt, Missing and Wanting

[ahmedk]

Hi

 

I am having a tough time coping up with my emotions and filled with guilt.Me and my ex broke up 4 months ago and it turned out to be a very bad break up. She caught a text in my phone sent to a girl in May which had some illicit conversations. She caught the text in August end and broke up with me straightaway. What happened post break up was even worse. We stayed in touch on and off and just didn't go into no contact. Slowly she started demeaning me and kept on playing hot and cold, then finally after two months she stopped talking nd joined Tinder for distraction. I clearly was not over this and became desperate and a bit crazy. I logged into her social media profiles to check who is she talking to and she caught me . Then she said hurtful things like "I am so glad I didn't reconcile with you! And is this how you were planning to win me back? I regret even talking to you for the first time" and then threatened to take action if I do this again. She then blocked me from everywhere and told me she never wants to see me or talk to me again. She texted my brother and asked him to reason out with me. Now I know that I did everything out of emotions and insecurity but I also know that didn't want to intentionally hurt her. I am sad because I have lost every possibility to win her back and far from even getting back on talking terms. I apologised to her through emails but doesn't matter. How do I change her opinion about me and make her stop hating me? How do I get back in touch with her and redeem things? She's probably distracted with another guy right now. It's just that I miss her companionship. Guys seeking your advice.

 

I know you guys are going to say own up to your mistake and leave her alone . Move on and all that . I'm in the process of doing that but I also want to get back in her good books. We had a beautiful relationship where we never fought and its just that the sexting thing happened long time ago. I would rather have her in my life at some capacity than not have her at all. What do i do to get to this point?. I sent her emails for apologies and even sent her a private message on linkedin because the guilt was eating me up. She read that message and unfriended me on Linkedin as well. This was a month ago and since then No contact. I have not even tried . Guys I want us to be friends or at least be cordial enough and not end on such bad terms and resentment.

[SweetGirl28]

You can't force a friendship, nor project your feelings onto her.

All you can do is leave her alone, sorry.

Learn from this mistake, forgive yourself, and move on.

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but there's no saving this now.

She would have to come around on her own terms. There might be a slim chance after

the anger and bad memories fade, but trust is broken, and it's very difficult to get back.

[ahmedk]

She knows I really do care for her and we do have some common friends. She sometimes talks to my bestfriend and I don't know you know, its my birthday next week and I know she's not going to wish me but why do i have expectations?. I don't want to have them because it will hurt me more. I have left her alone but i hope she realizes i did all of that clearly out of emotions that forced me towards fixing things and made me really insecure.

[SweetGirl28]

She knows I really do care for her and we do have some common friends. She sometimes talks to my bestfriend and I don't know you know, its my birthday next week and I know she's not going to wish me but why do i have expectations?. I don't want to have them because it will hurt me more. I have left her alone but i hope she realizes i did all of that clearly out of emotions that forced me towards fixing things and made me really insecure.

 

The only thing that might get her to contact you is to let time pass.

I'm sorry, I understand your guilt and you're missing her, but honestly

I'm not going to give you false hope here. The damage done is done, you can't reverse it.

It has to come from her. She knows you're sorry, and how you feel.

If she doesn't contact you on your bday, don't despair.

You have to treat this as the break up that it is.

Hang in there. Focus on yourself, and start healing.

[RainyCoast]

this again?? https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=544980

 

 

excuse me, where do you find the nerve??? you were hoe hoe hoeing behind her back, you don't get to demand anything from her, no attention, no kindness, no forgiveness, no "cordial communication", no friendship, where are you getting these entitled ideas? this is why you have expectations, because you believe you are entitled to others being tools for making you comfortable.

 

guuuuyyyss i just want...you want??? she owes you nothing. it isn't her duty to give you cordiality, friendship, validation that you are a better person than you feel yourself to be right now. nothing. and it is ridiculous to do what you did to someone then ask to receive warmth in return.

 

if you are remorseful, start thinking about the wants and needs of someone other than yourself and leave alone those who clearly feel better without contact with you.

 

forgiveness isn't an answer to a demand, and guilt isn't undone by what anyone else says or does in relation to your behavior, it is undone by integrity, which means having the humility to learn from past mistakes, accept they had consequences (such as becoming a person she doesn't want to be in touch with), and behaving in ways that you don't have to atone for in the future.

 

 

it isn't rare for people to make mistakes, but it is neither productive nor fair to expect others to undo the self-image that ensues from that behavior. might i add, you had no problem with guilt until she caught you, and conscience is the thing that makes you own your mistakes before you're busted and suffering their effects.

 

it isn't guilt you're feeling. guilt means a drive for reparation guides our actions and we behave in self-forgetful ways and sacrifice our comfort and self-image and pride and whatnot to do what the other needs for the damage we have done to be minimized, walking away if that is what they need. you just miss being validated.

 

all your thoughts evolve around what you want. your behaviors evolved around what you wanted. your expectations evolve around what would be comfortable for you.

 

the timing is perfect, decide what you want from yourself on this birthday.

[ahmedk]

You think someday she'll contact me? I hope she does. It's really hard to get by when you thought that person was everything for you and now you are nothing but a stranger to her. It was her first relationship and I gave her the worst break up possible. I am focusing on myself now, getting stronger by the day. It's just that I have moments where something reminds me of her and I break down and realize what can I do about it? Nothing. I think I fell in love for the first time with a great girl and I ed it all up. Hurting .

[ahmedk]

Cold truth right there. Just so you know I did message her at the end that she deserves better and that I don't deserve to be in her life again. You think I don't know that I got what I deserved ? Yes I did but its grey as it seems.I do love her and miss her. I can be self validated by other women but why am I still hanging on to her after 4 months since the break up because she got to me like nobody else and yeah she does not owe me anything I do get that but I know how I feel about her and my feelings are genuine , love makes people do crazy things. I just wish she connects with me someday because we connected really well and I do wish her all the happiness

[ahmedk]

Also, I'm human to make mistakes and I'm learning the hard way. I come to this space to vent my feelings out instead of breaking down and feeling miserable. You maybe saying everything that is the truth which I already know but I know how much I can change as a person and do the right thing. You miss your best friend with whom you used to discuss basically everything that is going on in your life.

[thealchemist]

Cold truth right there. Just so you know I did message her at the end that she deserves better and that I don't deserve to be in her life again. You think I don't know that I got what I deserved ? Yes I did but its grey as it seems.I do love her and miss her. I can be self validated by other women but why am I still hanging on to her after 4 months since the break up because she got to me like nobody else and yeah she does not owe me anything I do get that but I know how I feel about her and my feelings are genuine , love makes people do crazy things. I just wish she connects with me someday because we connected really well and I do wish her all the happiness

If you truly wish her all the happiness then leave her alone and let her be happy.

 

It doesn't sound like you really wish her all the happiness, it sounds like you just want what you want, which is to get her back.

 

If you truly wanted what is best for her you would let her move on. You cheated on her. You might care about her happiness but you care about your own more. Otherwise this situation wouldn't have happened.

 

It doesn't sound like guilt is motivating you but selfishness. If it was truly guilt you wouldn't be trying to reconcile with her, you would leave her alone because that is what is best for her, but you want her to stay in your life, because you can't stand her not being in it.

 

Her being in your life isn't what is best for her, but what you think is best for you.

[RainyCoast]

you're missing the point, i didn't say you should leave her alone to be validated by other women, i said to drop the idea that you need to be validated, period.

 

that is how you tackle guilt and shame. you accept you may be the worst, or nothing, or whatever to someone, and you accept that without suffering because you feel calmed by the fact that you recognized where you were being a lesser person than you could've been, and you behave with resolve to do better in the future.

 

look up the definition of integrity and tell me what part of it has to do with the standards, opinions and reactions of others??

 

telling her she deserves better and to be left alone whilst also hoping she'll take it as proof of your "love" and come back is disingenuous and manipulative. if you leave because it's better for others, and get pangs of loss and remorse, use those to act different with people in the present and future.

 

love doesn't make people do crazy things to others. selfish lust and need for validation does. love means doing what is in the other's best interest, including walking away when your presence is upsetting, or accepting that you have squandered a treasure.

 

 

It is true, you can do nothing about it. Next time you break down with the realization you can't fix this particular situation, accept it as fact. It's gone. The habit of bargaining and asking whether she'll talk to you again, what you can do, it's what prevents you from moving on. Nothing. It's done.

 

You miss your best friend with whom you used to discuss basically everything that is going on in your life.

yes, you miss them. that doesn't mean you need to get them back. lots is missing from our lives. such is life. nowhere does it say we need to be satisfied and full and without lack or suffering.

 

You can only do better from this moment on- cultivate the genuine desire for the wellbeing of others and a mindset of harmlessness, and drop self absorbed gain seeking, entitlement and the idea that "goodness" is a currency.

 

If you believe you have "changed", and are now a "better" person, then that belief alone is enough to uphold you, and to withstand the fact that some people will not see you how you wish to be seen.

[ahmedk]

You're saying everything with logic and reason and i appreciate that. I did squander a treasure and everyday i wake up i feel bad as to what i did and keep thinking to myself why i did that. It does not mean or have any affect on the person in question. Its my thoughts in my solitude, yes its hard to move on and i'm not fighting my feelings, sometimes you got do what is best in the other person's interests i.e to do nothing and be circumscribed in their lives as much as possible. I am working on my self control and not doing anything about it. Its hard not to expect sometimes, its hard when you keep feeling that if you ever get a chance to undo what you did , there could have been all the happiness in the world and you would have been fully satisfied with it. I may find someone else someday with whom i'll carry this lesson of loyalty, trust and honesty. Its just that i feel i did finally found someone and because of my uncertain, shallow attitude i ed it up and then ed it further up by becoming crazy but i know that she knows deep down inside i am a nice person and i do not intentionally hurt people. I will always have respect, good feelings for her regardless of whether we ever talk to each other again or not. I am grieving and this is my process, i'm trying hard to move on but my thoughts do revolve around her. I know she is happy and doing well, i just wish i was part of her happiness and us enjoying our time together. You know sometimes I feel i never want to give up on her, i mean by doing nothing but just working on myself to become a person she would want to be with , sometimes you got fight the big fight even if the defeat carries high certainty.

[RainyCoast]

and you can use the desire to be better than you were with her as motivation.

 

okay then, leaving the logical reasoning aside, let's try something else.

 

after my mother passed away, i broke down so badly that i was unable to handle some aspects of my life nearly as well as i would have deemed proper. i felt deeply ashamed and guilty. i had inherited a large debt that was insanely difficult to get out of due to having taken bad pseudo-legal advice at a time when i was too overwhelmed to trust my own judgement. during times of financial stress, i still get nightmares in which i feel guilty and "bad" to the bone, literally running around in circles like a maddened chicken, writhing my hands and screaming i am so so sorry for how i handled things. it's like something out of a psycho thriller. i also used to feel guilty because my relationship with my mother was often strained due to the abuse i was subject to growing up, and her alcoholism. after her diagnosis, i instantly forgave her for everything and wished i could have been the bigger person all the time without exception, and bargained in my mind about things i would endure if only she'd be given another chance at life. i had done my best and more to keep her comfortable during her cancer ordeal, but it wasn't enough, she was severely uncomfortable, and i felt bad about that too. but my mother is dead, no drive for reparation will change anything for her. no matter how sorry and willing to do better by her i am, i don't get that second chance with her either. but i can exercise better judgement in the present, and i can act with resolve to do better with people who challenge me in the present.

 

i mark a small victory in integrity every time i achieve one. sometimes it's big and i'm genuinely proud, other times it's just humbly noted that i have been calmly accepting my learning process and the difficulties of cleaning up the mess that ensued after her death.

 

i think of that when i get the nightmares where i feel guilty, and it instantly reminds me i'm doing my best, and owning my weaknesses, and the consequences of my past behavior. as for any person affecting my self-image, i hope it helps to hear that no person has been able to make me feel ashamed since. i know i am doing my best, it's not always as stellar as i'd like it to be, but it's my best, and tremendous effort and resolve and strength and hard work goes into it. i'm in "repair mode" with the force and willpower of a human tank, so i can stand before anyone and not give a flying duck what they think of my past actions. hoping not to offend anyone with blasphemy on this day no less, but i'd tell st peter where he can stick his judgements should i appear at the gates and he was critical of me.

 

not sure how relatable this feels to you, but if you will not have rest until you're the person you should've been with her, you can use that to do better. you just have to understand that it won't result in her changing her mind, but it will result in other things, and you'll no longer need her to think well of you, or grace you with companionship.

[ahmedk]

Rainyquest, What experience you just described to me is so profound and moving. Its such a motivational boost after having read that and how you conquered the issues within yourself without having to expect anything in return. Its some sort of a self preservation act that took you to where you are right now. I respect your journey through the traumatizing period you went through. Yes, experiences teach you a lot- to value priorities, to return more love than you are getting, to know the difference between right and wrong, to become a better human being regardless of your past actions. Yes , some people won't see you differently because of the adverse impact you had on them that cannot be etched from their minds but people who are present in your lives currently and who will come in the future will see you differently and respect you more.

 

I wrote this poem sometime ago while I was dating her and it was because of some small problem we were having, but it matters so much right now than it did at that time

 

"Love maybe a complicated thing,

But its beautiful, its wonderful, its comforting.

Expectations are hard to handle,

But when you need a light just start a candle,

Follow that light to peace and fortitude

Where that maybe the absolute best attitude,

Let that light be your nirvana

And faith be your purpose"

 

Thank you showing me light on a subject that in my life that's troubling. I will take this as a learning and move ahead and accept the reality and its challenges.

[RainyCoast]

you're right, sometimes you have to follow the "light", and it brings peace and fortitude simply knowing you are trying to walk the right path.

[flyguy23]

My brother, listen. I know exactly where ur coming from. You made a mistake, you love her I get all that. Let me tell you, this year I had one of the best relationships with this girl and in the end I made a couple mistakes, ended up hurting her feelings and it made her look at me completely different. I was blindsided by the breakup. I sent her novels and novels expressing my love to her, the truth is, they know how u feel about them. But they’re still deciding to walk away. What I’ve learned through my mistakes are that don’t ever chase anyone. I wish so much I would’ve handled the situation differently. I wish I would’ve just said ok if that’s how you feel I’ll let you be. I’m sorry, I messed up. But I continued to chase and send messages. I’m not saying she was perfect either she had her faults. But the best thing you can do is leave them alone. Don’t beg, don’t plead. You messed up and I know ur sorry for it but if you reach out to her more you’ll just push her away even further. You already said everything you had to say to her. I would just leave it alone now. You don’t get to decide how she feels. Just respect her decision for now. If she doesn’t wants to come back, she will. For now just focus on yourself, learn from your mistakes. I know it hurts. I wish all the timE I could back in time and never have said something stupid to her to hurt her feelings and make her feel insecure. And guess what, she’s back with her ex bf. So all the messages, begging and pleading got me nowhere. I’ll know for next time though. Just to let them be. I wish I could just say I messed up I’m sorry, I love you I’ll let you be. And never contact them again let them come to me. But yea man I feel your pain but wishing you well. Just let her be

[Morello]

Yes, the best you can do is just leave her alone for now. I truly believe that if she still has a role in your life (and you in hers), life will find its way to let it happen that you have another chance to talk. I don't believe in fate, but I do believe that everything happens for a reason. Maybe this happened so you could become a better person for someone else. Maybe it's to teach you a lesson and maybe she'll be back in your life in the future so you can show her how much better you became. Just let it be, man.

 

Also, people are different. I had people hurt my feelings pretty bad before, but I know for a fact that I would never give a cold shoulder to someone who is truly sorry and is apologising. I'd forgive them and wish them well, even if not wanting to meet or talk or even if not imediately. Some people definitely don't think the same way. That's why time is important. Time will tell you what kind of feelings she still has for you. If they're strong and she is forgiving, she'll find a way back to your life, promise you that.

 

If it's meant to be, it will be. If she feels in her heart that she should be in touch to forgive you or something else, it will happen. If not, it just means your role in her life is over and you can still use the learnings that could not have come in another way.

[ahmedk]

Thank you flyguy23 and Morello, I just read your responses and I do feel positive/uplifted , it was my birthday two days ago, as expected she did not wish me but why would she?. Anyways, i wish her in my heart a happy new years, the thing is no matter how hard i try i don't see any flaws in her probably its because of me still feeling guilty about what i did but you know what I like the fact that you guys gave me some positive responses, that time is everything and time heals all. You are right flyguy23 , I chased her a lot but then you know why i did that because i just felt she was hurting a lot and i wanted to just convince her that i wont hurt her anymore. I took a lot of from her which probably made her feel unattractive about me but you know what everything does happen for a reason. She may or may not come back in my life but she definitely knew that i do crazily love her so who knows.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. Let her go. She'll just keep beating you up about this. Move forward and next time don't be exclusive if you aren't ready to be.

She caught the text in August end and broke up with me straightaway. How do I change her opinion about me and make her stop hating me? How do I get back in touch with her and redeem things?

[sputnik123]

Hey AhmedK.

 

Let this one go. Start afresh and meet someone new, with a clean slate.

 

Best of luck.