Trust Issues and How To Deal with Them

[hopefultolove]

I've been with my GF officially for about two months but we've been seeing each other almost six.

 

Long story short, I've been hurt in the past. (Haven't we all) This girl has been nothing but amazing since we've been together. We get along and understand each other. We have a ton in common and when we have a problem, we actually sit down and work it out. The sex is great and we even feel comfortable with each other's families. It's amazing and I haven't been this happy in a very long time. It just seems like things are finally going great and everything is coming with ease.

 

But of course, my brain keeps getting in the way. I keep thinking that this is all too good to be true because every other time I've been happy, it ends with me being heartbroken. I love her and I love being there for her. She hasn't done a damn thing to make me not trust her, but I can't help but feeling that this is all gonna end. We talked about it a few nights ago and she told me that she understands and that these things take time. I asked her if she ever feels worried like I do and she said yes but she feels secure in the relationship and she knows that I make her happy.

 

It's like there's a voice inside me. Whenever I'm having a great time with her, he speaks up and says "Why are you having fun? You know this is going to be over" "You don't deserve this wonderful woman." "She's just bored/lonely and she knows that you love her." "She tells you she loves you but she doesn't mean it, she's just saying it to make you happy". It's really damn annoying and I don't know why I keep feeling this way. She's nothing but amazing but I keep thinking she's too good to be true.

 

I want to talk with her more about it, but I'm afraid of pushing her away. She needs a man, not a paranoid mess. I also know that this is a self-esteem issue but I just need some tips on how to deal with it or fix it.

 

Any help is appreciated.

[Hollyj]

Do not talk to her about this, as this is YOUR problem. She is not there to constantly reassure you, and this would certainly be a good way to lose her.

 

Deal with your insecurities with a professional, if you don't know how to trust people.

[Notmi]

I have the same problem as you and dont have the money to see a therapist. So I think you need to make a decision.

Its 50/50

She will be faithful to u or not. You need to decide whether to take the risk or not. If you do you will trick your mind to believe that she is the godess of trust and she will never betray you in any ways.

Even if you are afraid there is always that risk. With every relationship.

Talk to her and tell her about this but dont blame her. say that it is your problem and you are working with it. I think that she loves you and will be happy to help!

[hopefultolove]

Thank you. I'm sure I do need to see a professional, but I don't know if that is something I should tell her about or do it privately.

[reinventmyself]

This has very little to do with her, what she does or how she feels.

This has a lot to do with your own self worth.

Start there. Why don't you feel you deserve someone who's faithful and dedicated to you and your relationship?

Take your focus off of others and the past.

This is about you and you're self esteem and making good choices.

[PICCOLLO]

This is a common way to feel. (Read some of the other posts on here) Its important you don’t keep talking to her about it.

 

Seeing a psychologist might help and there plenty of articles online.

 

The fear of loss is where this whole thing comes from. Moving towards the understanding that nothing is certain and there are no guarentees and being okay with that realityis where you need to get to. Focussing on the positives, personal growth and individual identity will alleviate the issue.

[catfeeder]

Thank you. I'm sure I do need to see a professional, but I don't know if that is something I should tell her about or do it privately.

 

Plenty of perfectly healthy people pursue therapy, counseling, coaching, mentorships--and they don't lay it out to anyone as a big deal, so it's not a big deal. If the issue ever comes up as an appropriate opportunity, you could mention that you see a therapist, but I wouldn't sit her down and nail her with the fact that you need a therapist because her fabulousness is making you come unglued.

 

I'd also avoid smothering her, being overly patronizing or catering too much. That can be as harmful as neglect. Consider tending to plants: overwatering and burning sun are often more destructive than neglect, so the idea is to avoid extremes and apply BALANCE.

 

Also, how healthy is your life beyond the relationship? Are you passionate about your job, do you have friendships you're maintaining, do you have interests that you pursue--or have you been spending every spare minute with your GF? Giving someone the sense that beyond your interest in her you are one dimensional and have no other focus in your life puts too much pressure on the relationship to be your 'everything'. Diffusing your focus by moving it onto other things prevents mind spins that drill you into a deeper hole to climb out of.

 

You'll need to make room for the fact that nobody can keep up the intensity of being enthralled with you all of the time. People get fatigued from relationships that are all-on all-of-the-time. The newness bubble needs to be allowed to burst as people relax into the regular business of living beyond the relationship, and if signs that GF needs to do that are perceived by you with panic and 'work' to keep her focused on you, that's a quick way to burn someone out.

 

Too much, too soon is a fast burn out. Allow for normalcy to return to GF's life, or she'll need to move you out of her way to get it back.

 

Head high, and read my sig.

[hopefultolove]

We got into a argument about it last night and I told her I was aware of my problems with trust and I need to work on them. But I didn't any anything about planning to go see a professional. Balance is definitely an issue for me. I'm usually an extreme person one way or another. I'm either the most affectionate guy in the world or the biggest .

 

I am passionate about my job, but I also let it stress me to the max. I feel like the place would burn to the ground if I wasn't there and that's definitely not the case. And it's not the type of job you let stress you like that. I do have friendships but sometimes they're hard to maintain because my better friends live so far away and it's hard to get away from work. As far as interests go, not really. I was a working/traveling musician for many years. Now I live in an apartment and can't play my instruments like I used to. Sometimes that really bothers me because I can't get my stress relief like I used to. So I guess we do spend a lot of time together. We work together and we stay with each other all the time. And if you add the holidays on top of that, then yes, we've been spending a ton of time together.

 

I'm fine with the newness wearing off and I welcome it. I just have a problem being okay with little things like if she's not as affectionate as she was in the beginning, not assuming that it has something to do with me. Or if she doesn't want to have sex as much as we did in the beginning, not assuming that it's because she's not attracted to me. Because I think these things and then I'm an about it and it turns into a big fight. I just want to feel comfortable in the relationship and right now I don't.

[smackie9]

What you are feeling is normal....when we start to fall for someone we start to worry, and go through all kinds of emotions, like jealousy, paranoia, etc. It will pass, you will see.

[hopefultolove]

I hope it does. And I hope I don't push her over the edge in the meantime.

[catfeeder]

The fights are not good. What causes those?

[hopefultolove]

What causes the fights is usually me. I'm so afraid of putting my eggs in the wrong basket and getting hurt that as soon as she would do something out of the ordinary, I had to call her on it. So any little thing she does that is unsettling for me, I begin feeling like something is up. That's when I start over it and it turns into a whole ordeal where it turns out that I'm just over thinking things and being insecure.

 

She tells me that she understands that I've been hurt before and that trust takes time. But she also says that me constantly calling her out over things that either haven't actually happened, or just my insecurities getting in the way of us having a good time, is going to push her away. And I knows she's right. So for the past few days, I've been playing it as cool as possible and trying to get back to the confident (somewhat cocky) guy I was in the beginning that attracted her in the first place.

 

I recognize the problem here but I don't know how to stop it. I feel like if I see any problems quickly and call her out, then she can't possibly hurt me as bad as she thinks. But I end up creating problems in my head that aren't even there and I can't enjoy a goddamn thing. I need to just relax and enjoy our time together but that's easier said than done.

[catfeeder]

What causes the fights is usually me. I'm so afraid of putting my eggs in the wrong basket and getting hurt that as soon as she would do something out of the ordinary, I had to call her on it. So any little thing she does that is unsettling for me, I begin feeling like something is up. That's when I start over it and it turns into a whole ordeal where it turns out that I'm just over thinking things and being insecure.

 

She tells me that she understands that I've been hurt before and that trust takes time. But she also says that me constantly calling her out over things that either haven't actually happened, or just my insecurities getting in the way of us having a good time, is going to push her away. And I knows she's right. So for the past few days, I've been playing it as cool as possible and trying to get back to the confident (somewhat cocky) guy I was in the beginning that attracted her in the first place.

 

I recognize the problem here but I don't know how to stop it. I feel like if I see any problems quickly and call her out, then she can't possibly hurt me as bad as she thinks. But I end up creating problems in my head that aren't even there and I can't enjoy a goddamn thing. I need to just relax and enjoy our time together but that's easier said than done.

 

You're making a mess. I'd get into therapy, pronto, and I'd make it my private commitment to adopt resilience as a new skill and quit being accusatory with the GF--if you want to keep her.

 

Don't position a lover to play therapist. That is a self fulfilling prophecy, and you WILL cause her to walk away. Nobody can prove a negative, and that's the impossible position you place GF in every time you start an argument about stuff she can't fix for you.

 

Fixing yourself is your job, not GF's.

[reinventmyself]

So for the past few days, I've been playing it as cool as possible and trying to get back to the confident (somewhat cocky) guy I was in the beginning that attracted her in the first place..

 

Acting `as if' isn't going to cut it.

 

I dated someone just like you and in the end he managed to keep a lid on it for a few months. He asked me if I saw an improvement and as much as I had to acknowledge there was some, I told him that I felt ill at ease because I think he mostly got better at hiding it. That and I was so busy censoring everything I was no longer being myself.

 

I could feel tension building. 'It' was still there. When I least expected it the accumulative of his efforts to stuff his discomfort spilled over in a really big way.

 

Though profoundly disappointed, I realized I could no longer be with him and he didn't want to deal with anxiety of being with me either.

 

It was a sad ending that could have been prevented had he gotten some help to overcome it and stopped making me responsible for making him feel safe all the time. (which was impossible bytheway)

[Wiseman2]

Everyone waits for the other shoe to drop when they are in the first few months and in the infatuation stage. The only thing that will happen is reality will set in and she will seem like a normal person, not an amazing goddess.

 

That is the phase where you need to hold tight and decide to love her, warts and all. There will be days when you don't feel like blowing each other kisses and that's ok too.

I've been with my GF officially for about two months but we've been seeing each other almost six.This girl has been nothing but amazing since we've been together. It's like there's a voice inside me. Whenever I'm having a great time with her, he speaks up and says "Why are you having fun? You know this is going to be over" "You don't deserve this wonderful woman."