Wife or Soulmate?

[Dave72767]

My wife and I have been together 13yrs with an 11yr old child. 6 months ago my wife said she wants an experience with a women and is bisexual. I agreed to this. It developed into her saying she was gay and wanted to move out in order to be with women. I met someone else as wife told me she couldn't give me 100% and to find someone to make it easier for her. I just happened to find the female version of myself straight away and we spent 3 months seeing each other and chatting on messenger for 10+ hours a day. We both recognise the connection and have fallen in love, I've been married previously but never had a soul connection like this. So wife finds out, panics, and wants the family back together...I cant stand to see her or my daughter upset so agree. I've cut communication mostly with the other women except for the occasional message. However I think about her 24/7 and she is doing the same. I won't leave the marriage for child and financial reasons but think it will end in 3-5 yrs when child is older and debt is gone. Wife is in love with me and wants to grow old together but is still attracted to women. Will appreciate any comments or advice.

[DanZee]

Sounds like her jealousy is more powerful than her sexual needs. By the way, does she sleep with you? Trying to figure out how gay she is. In any event, I think you're right. Either you or her will give up on the marriage in 3-5 years, or maybe both of you at the same time. I think your child will thank you for hanging in there too, but you can plan for your divorce, and if your wife wants to have affairs, then you should be allowed that too.

[Jwin]

My wife and I have been together 13yrs with an 11yr old child. 6 months ago my wife said she wants an experience with a women and is bisexual. I agreed to this. It developed into her saying she was gay and wanted to move out in order to be with women. I met someone else as wife told me she couldn't give me 100% and to find someone to make it easier for her. I just happened to find the female version of myself straight away and we spent 3 months seeing each other and chatting on messenger for 10+ hours a day. We both recognise the connection and have fallen in love, I've been married previously but never had a soul connection like this. So wife finds out, panics, and wants the family back together...I cant stand to see her or my daughter upset so agree. I've cut communication mostly with the other women except for the occasional message. However I think about her 24/7 and she is doing the same. I won't leave the marriage for child and financial reasons but think it will end in 3-5 yrs when child is older and debt is gone. Wife is in love with me and wants to grow old together but is still attracted to women. Will appreciate any comments or advice.

 

Typical response, it’s called reverse psychology, everyone loves a chase, when chase is over it’s not fun anymore. Give it time & I guarantee you’re going to be in the same spot in a year or 2. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but this is a typical scenario. People get bored with their life and they don’t just accept their life the way it is and make it better They have to go looking outside of the relationship which only damages it and causes resentment and scarring that will never leave the relationship the same. If you both want this to work you must cut ties completely with any outside influences. You are actually having an emotional affair with this other women which is unfair to your wife. If your wife is gay she needs to accept it and leave the relationship so you can be with someone that truly wants to be with you. Sounds like a toxic relationship that your kids probably don’t need to learn examples from either.

[Dave72767]

Sounds like her jealousy is more powerful than her sexual needs. By the way, does she sleep with you? Trying to figure out how gay she is. In any event, I think you're right. Either you or her will give up on the marriage in 3-5 years, or maybe both of you at the same time. I think your child will thank you for hanging in there too, but you can plan for your divorce, and if your wife wants to have affairs, then you should be allowed that too.

 

Been in seperate rooms for 3 yrs or so due to my snoring. We still have intimate relations and it is incredible so no issue there.

[Lester]

"...and if your wife wants to have affairs, then you should be allowed that too."

- Very bad advice.

 

Her breaking promises and vows gives no one, not Dave, you, or anyone the right to throw away their honor and respect they have for themselves.

[SweetGirl28]

She was selfishly wanting to move out, and then be came jealous when you moved on?

She doesn't get to have everything her way, while you agree to whatever she wants.

Yes she told you to find someone, but I guarantee she didn't think you would, much

less actually develop real feelings for the person. You can agree to an open marriage and stay

together, but why deny yourself happiness? I know it's hard to divorce when there's a child and

finances are intertwined.

 

As far as the other woman, it's more infatuation and attention, you could find you really aren't

all that compatible if you had responsibilities together. It's easy to be an affair and just be in it for the

sex and conversation. No pressure, no strings attached.

 

Your wife should have considered loving you and growing old together before deciding to step

outside of your marriage to fulfill her sexual desires.

[lostandhurt]

This is what really happened.

 

Your wife was cheating on you with some woman. She then decided she could have her cake and eat it too and came up with a plan to get just that. You agreed and everything was fine until she got feelings for this other woman and wanted to move in with her. That is where the trouble started. This other woman was happy to have a piece on the side with no real commitment but as soon as it became a "relationship" trouble started. Then you found someone and fell for her just about the time the wheels were falling off your wife's fantasy. She panics because her back up plan (you) is now falling in love with another woman and she will be all alone.

 

This is not about her loving you and wanting to grow old with you, this about the security you provide so she can live out her fantasies with other women. Basically she wants you to sit at home watching the kids while she has her fun. Real nice way to grow old together isn't it?

 

Your wife is extremely selfish and is ONLY looking out for herself. Time to see this as it really is.

 

So she has admitted that she still wants to cheat on you but wants permission but she doesn't want you to be able to do the same. Even IF that was a good idea for a marriage why would anyone agree to it?

 

She has admitted she is gay but now has changed her mind? Which is it? As far as I know you cannot turn that on and off at will.

 

You have few choices here.

1. Be a cuckold like she wants you to.

2. Put your foot down and insist an extensive marriage counseling BEFORE you decide anything (my preference)

3. Divorce her, spend some time learning how to be a single dad and get really good at it and then rekindle your relationship with this other woman.

4. Stick this out until the kids are older and you can plan for a divorce.

 

She has been dictating all the terms through all this. Has your whole marriage been this way?

 

Lost

[abitbroken]

Two wrongs don't make a right.

You were wrong for giving your blessing on your wife cheating.

She was wrong for cheating.

 

If she wants to dally around with women, then she needs to divorce you. YOU don't stoop to her level by cheating too. I think you need to cut the other woman off completely - no "occasional messages" so long as you are married. Also, what caliber of a woman is she knowingly having an affair with a married man? A woman with good boundaries who honors marriage and relationships would back off as soon as she found out he was married.

 

You need to go to counseling with your wife and to stay married, she has to agree to cut off all contact with the woman she cheated with. It really irks me how people don't put their foot down when their spouse cheats homosexually - like they are afraid to not be PC about things and that they are supposed to allow it. Cheating is cheating whether they take up with the same or opposite sex.

[semaj281]

The folks who are suggesting counseling, do you think this marriage can actually be saved? Without knowing their hearts obviously no one knows for sure. But I wonder if this is being suggested because there is a child involved, or if you guys see the potential for reconciliation.

[lostandhurt]

Counseling never hurts. Many times it can help a couple realize why they should divorce and agree together and thus make the whole divorce process easier.

 

His wife needs to see a therapist to reconcile her sexuality. She is flip flopping and playing with other peoples emotions like they don't matter. She needs help on a personal level. He has laid down far to many times and it is now becoming the normal way he is living and so she thought she could do this to the family. Counseling may help him see what he needs to do so the next time he is in a relationship he will handle things differently. It isn't his fault what she had done but he does need to stand up and state what he wants.

 

Lost

[reinventmyself]

I wish I had an answer for you. This one is on you. Everyone has a different threshold for such things.

You get to do the hard thing and decide what you can and can not live with.

 

And. . whatever you decide, commit to it.

I wholeheartedly agree that if you decide to stay married, counseling, asap.

 

Who knows, this may the best thing that ever happened to your marriage. It jolted the two of you to get off the sidelines and get back in the game.

. . or . .the other scenario. I won't say it because you know what it is.

Again, this is very personal decision.

 

I wish you luck.

[abitbroken]

The folks who are suggesting counseling, do you think this marriage can actually be saved? Without knowing their hearts obviously no one knows for sure. But I wonder if this is being suggested because there is a child involved, or if you guys see the potential for reconciliation.

 

yes, because a child is involved and this is a mess - i would go to counseling, whether the family ultimately stays together with no one to ever cheat again - or a divorce. There can be no in between. Children benefit from a healthy transition if it is a divorce. I find both parents incredibly, incredibly selfish. Dad should NEVER consent to his wife cheating - bringing an unknown person into his child's orbit and should have never cheated either. If they decide to both dump their "soulmates" and work on their marriage - they can do that --- i do suggest whether they divorce or stick it out until the child is over, they end relationships with all outside people so that the other people are not the reason for the divorce. Also, no quality, self respecting woman would get involved with a married man. Look for her to turn tail and run if there is actually a divorce. Both spouses should choose neither their soulmate nor their spouse and should be single for quite awhile if they are not going to work on their marriage. The marriage is severely broken.

 

But i have to ask OP - if you are on wife #2, -- i say first marriage ends -- its one of those things, second marriage ends --- well...you are the common denominator. What is making your marriage sfall apart? is there any common thread?

 

Soul mate seems very attractive now - but you don't know what she is like day to day. if she is helping a married man cheat, she won't be faithful

[Imho]

My wife and I have been together 13yrs with an 11yr old child. 6 months ago my wife said she wants an experience with a women and is bisexual. I agreed to this. It developed into her saying she was gay and wanted to move out in order to be with women. I met someone else as wife told me she couldn't give me 100% and to find someone to make it easier for her. I just happened to find the female version of myself straight away and we spent 3 months seeing each other and chatting on messenger for 10+ hours a day. We both recognise the connection and have fallen in love, I've been married previously but never had a soul connection like this. So wife finds out, panics, and wants the family back together...I cant stand to see her or my daughter upset so agree. I've cut communication mostly with the other women except for the occasional message. However I think about her 24/7 and she is doing the same. I won't leave the marriage for child and financial reasons but think it will end in 3-5 yrs when child is older and debt is gone. Wife is in love with me and wants to grow old together but is still attracted to women. Will appreciate any comments or advice.

 

This post sounds incredibly selfish on so many levels and a good reason not to get involved with anyone until divorces are final. You said you won't leave the marriage for the child and financial reasons so my advice is to not bring anyone else into this situation without being upfront with them about what is happening. Staying in a relationship for the child is not healthy. It also reads as if you put everyone feelings before your own which also is not healthy and will eventually effect your happiness. I'm also not understanding why the panic if your wife is gay and wanted you to find someone else. Did she not think it would happen? Good luck with this situation