Boyfriend never wants to have sex and it's becoming a problem for me.

[Lostg1rl]

I'm 27, my boyfriend is 22 years OLDER than me. Been together 9 months now. In the beginning sex wasn't an issue, now it's becoming an issue because he NEVER wants to have sex. We went from having it 3x a week, to 2x to now maybe 1x (all are always scheduled which I've ALWAYS hated). We live together, we don't have kids together. He works 2 jobs which i tried giving him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he's tired, but in the winter time his 1st job turns part time because no one really needs their a/c fixed in the winter meaning he has alllllllll of the opportunity to have sex with me. He says it's his age and that since he's gotten older sex isn't a must to him, but he also told me that he could have sex with a different girl every day and have no problem climaxing.. which obviously that is why I'm pissed. How is it he doesn't want to have sex with me because he's never in the mood but can have sex with different females everyday? He said it is like ice cream, that no one wants the same flavor everyday. He's never cheated on me, but it has gotten to the point that I don't know what to do. .

[rosephase]

Why did you move in with someone nine months into a sexually incompatible relationship?

 

He doesn't want to have sex with you as much as you like NINE MONTHS in and it sounds like he has no desire to fix the issue. That sounds like a bad relationship.

[DaisyMayPorter]

It's none of my business, but you should not be dating a 49 year old. Find someone your own age who you are more compatible with.

[Lostg1rl]

We moved in together early in the relationship, like I said above it was NOT always that way.

[itsallgrand]

Isn't the answer in your question... he's bored already, he needs to have a variety of women to get him hard.

 

Do you have a back up plan as far as where you will live if this didn't work out?

[rosephase]

He sounds like a bit of a jerk. Who would bring up f*cking other women when they can't satisfy their current partner?

[Lostg1rl]

I have no troubles getting him hard, it's he NEVER wants to have sex, even when he is hard ! It's always he's tired or he can't finish. And if he's so bored you would think he would have left me or cheated don't you think?

[MissCanuck]

Under what circumstances did he tell you he could climax every day with a different woman? What was the conversation that led to that comment?

 

It sounds like you two rushed right into this relationship and are now finding the honeymoon is over.

[Lostg1rl]

He told me a story of when he was younger he use to have a variety of women to sleep with. And so I said one day when I was angry how is it sometimes you can't finish but you've told me you could sleep with a different girl every day and finish. That's how that went about

[MissCanuck]

He told me a story of when he was younger he use to have a variety of women to sleep with. And so I said one day when I was angry how is it sometimes you can't finish but you've told me you could sleep with a different girl every day and finish. That's how that went about

 

And how did he reply to that?

[itsallgrand]

I have no troubles getting him hard, it's he NEVER wants to have sex, even when he is hard ! It's always he's tired or he can't finish. And if he's so bored you would think he would have left me or cheated don't you think?

 

Not necessarily. It's pretty convenient having a live in on tap and to bring comforts at home.

 

Why and how did it come out of his mouth about the different flavours of women ?

[rosephase]

I have no troubles getting him hard, it's he NEVER wants to have sex, even when he is hard ! It's always he's tired or he can't finish. And if he's so bored you would think he would have left me or cheated don't you think?

 

He's probably not lying about it mattering less to him. But here is the issue: He doesn't care to fix this. He doesn't care that you aren't sexually satisfied. There are a lot of ways to have sex that don't require him to get off or even get hard. He just doesn't care. If he's this unconcerned nine months in a doubt it's going to suddenly get better.

[Lostg1rl]

That is when he proceeded to tell me sex is like ice cream that he may like vanilla ice cream but it's not the flavor he wants to eat every day. But what also gets me is that he said all sex is the same, just different oohs and ahhs. And I always refer back to that and he always brings up the ice cream scenario. Like I said he's never cheated. And he says hes with me for companion not just sex. He said if he was younger it would just be sex.. But sex plays a role in relationships. I'm not asking for sex every day at all. I just want an understanding as to what the problem is.

[rosephase]

That is when he proneeded to tell me sex is like ice cream that he may like vanilla ice cream but it's not the flavor he wants to eat every day. But what also gets me is that he said all sex is the same, just different oohs and ahhs. And I always refer back to that and he always brings up the ice cream scenario. Like I said he's never cheated. And he says hes with me for companion not just sex. He said if he was younger it would just be sex.. But sex plays a role in relationships. I'm not asking for sex every day at all. I just want an understanding as to what the problem is.

 

Cheating isn't the only way to be a terrible partner.

[j.man]

but he also told me that he could have sex with a different girl every day and have no problem climaxing

How does this even become a conversation? You two are sitting at the table enjoying a steak and he just blurts out that he could plow a different lady every day? Either the guy's a pretty big ass or you're asking some pretty awkward questions.

 

It actually does make some sense that the novelty of different women would drive a lot of guys to have sex more often. It's the very reason people typically hump like bunnies for the first several months of a relationship before it typically tapers off a bit-- it's new. But, again, why this would come out of his mouth unsolicited is well beyond me.

[MissCanuck]

That is when he proceeded to tell me sex is like ice cream that he may like vanilla ice cream but it's not the flavor he wants to eat every day. But what also gets me is that he said all sex is the same, just different oohs and ahhs. And I always refer back to that and he always brings up the ice cream scenario. Like I said he's never cheated. And he says hes with me for companion not just sex. He said if he was younger it would just be sex.. But sex plays a role in relationships. I'm not asking for sex every day at all. I just want an understanding as to what the problem is.

 

Good heavens. This man is not too bright, is he? He is telling you in a craptastic way that he wants variety. Be very careful here, OP, as he doesn't seem to want to explore ways to change things up with you. There are plenty of ways to introduce variety into your sex life, as a monogamous couple, but he's not doing that.

 

Yes, he might see companionship in you but your sex life is already flat-lining at 9 months. That is a bad sign of things to come. Coupled with his boneheaded analogy, and I would be out of there.

[itsallgrand]

Some people are more fickle than others when it comes to variety of partners. It isn't even a good versus bad thing, it just is, and in this case he's been super upfront about it ( to the point of crude).

 

While I don't think it makes him a better or worse person, it would be a pretty high risk for a person who wants a monogamous long term and sexually fulfilling relationship ( like you seem to want).

 

Take him as he is or find someone more suitable. He's put it all out there for you to decide.

[wilyone 11]

I wouldn’t be surprised if he is masturbating a lot to porn (to satisfy his need for variety without cheating). The more he masturbates, the less desire he has to have sex with you and the less likely he is to be able to climax.

 

Porn has really put a damper on the sex lives of many couples.

[j.man]

Porn has really put a damper on the sex lives of many couples.

I mean, as does being 50. Lot less effort involved in rubbing one out. Particularly if the guy has worked laboring jobs as seems to be suggested (one of his current jobs being HVAC), there's plenty of allure to simply squeezing one out at his age.

 

That's of course not to characterize all men at that age, but 1 - 2 times a week seems pretty justifiable, even by normative standards. And, depending on whether guy's just volunteering crass one-liners or being put in a position by the OP's questioning to explain himself, dude may even be excused there.

 

At the end of the day, if a woman's looking to capitalize on a sizeable libido, dating a man nearly twice her age isn't the route I'd suggest going.

[Lostg1rl]

Well. After being pissed all day I brought it up again. Apparently it's my weight, though I've been the same weight and size since we've started dating. So I am not understanding why he decided to be with me then. He says he still thinks I'm beautiful etc I'm just bigger than what he is use to dating. I'm pretty curvy, and I didn't think I was really so unattractivly "big". I don't have a flat stomach but I am not huge. Everywhere I go people constantly give me compliments. I guess it's better that I know now.

[wilyone 11]

Well. After being pissed all day I brought it up again. Apparently it's my weight, though I've been the same weight and size since we've started dating. So I am not understanding why he decided to be with me then. He says he still thinks I'm beautiful etc I'm just bigger than what he is use to dating. I'm pretty curvy, and I didn't think I was really so unattractivly "big". I don't have a flat stomach but I am not huge. Everywhere I go people constantly give me compliments. I guess it's better that I know now.

 

Good grief. This sounds fishy to me. If your weight hasn't changed since you've started dating (when he was obviously attracted to you), that cannot be the reason for the decline in his libido. Makes no sense. He is making excuses, and trying to put this on you so you stop examining him.

 

It's also a very rude thing to say. I'm sure you look great. Most guys love curvy women who aren't model-thin.

 

Everything you've said about this guy, plus the huge age difference, makes me think it's time for you to let him go and allow a better relationship to come into your life. There are a zillion guys out there who would love to have sex with you all the time!!

[ariannac44980]

Honestly I think not wanting sex can be 2 things.

1. This is the first steps to a break up- if he was all in it with you he wouldn’t say that he could have sex with different women. This means his mind is wandering to other women and he may not be attracted to you sexually anymore - which leads to all types of relationship problems and usually a break up or cheating

 

2.Sometimes long relationships go through rough patches. It’s hard to be madly in love and cute and sexy with your partner all day every day for extended amounts of time. Explain how you’re feeling to your partner and see if this is just a funk you’re in that you can try to get out of.

 

Hope it works out!

[Hollyj]

Well. After being pissed all day I brought it up again. Apparently it's my weight, though I've been the same weight and size since we've started dating. So I am not understanding why he decided to be with me then. He says he still thinks I'm beautiful etc I'm just bigger than what he is use to dating. I'm pretty curvy, and I didn't think I was really so unattractivly "big". I don't have a flat stomach but I am not huge. Everywhere I go people constantly give me compliments. I guess it's better that I know now.

 

What a creep. If you are the same size, then why did he start dating you to begin with?.

 

I don't know where you see this going, but I see it going no where. Be done with his lazy behind and find someone more suitable. And what is with dating a dude so old???

[j.man]

It has nothing to do with your weight and everything to do with pressing him to provide you an excuse for not meeting your sex drive.

[MissCanuck]

OP, it's not your weight. I say that because he had no problems with it before, and you say you haven't gained any weight in the time you've been dating.

 

You two moved incredibly fast and the shiny new-ness has worn off already. He sounds like the type that thrives on that new-woman sheen, and he's lost interest.

 

Why did you two move in together so soon, anyway?