narcisisstic ex - how to get back at him

[thinkylady]

So this is a post about a narcisisstic, immature ex. Not an ex boyfriend, not an ex boy, but something in between. It was something in between because I wanted it that way, for which I was later on punished.

He's 22, I'm 26 and at the time I was looking for something casual but not just meaningless sex at 1am, without conversations, affection, some level of connection.. Also, we were exclusive. It was great at first, I liked him a lot, he was greeeat in bed, funny, very, very affectionate and always available for me, worked hard to impress me, we texted all day every day, there were „good morning“ and „good night“ messages everyday, updates on how our days were going and so on. He had everything I wanted at the time and was ok with keeping it secret and casual. Or so I thought. It was kind of like a relationship, but it wasn't called that. He started showing great affection, kept on asking what we were and why we arent more, why I'm not considering realtionship with him etc, but after just 2-3 weeks. He wanted all of our friends to know about us (we have some people in common and that's the reason it was a secret), wanted to go on summer vacation together, public dates etc. I'd say he was in love, as much as he could be, concidering he's immature, superficial, narcissistic and deeply sensitive. The clues were obvious – asking if he was the best in bed, the biggest, the strongest, if he had everything I was looking for in a man, boosted a lot, talked about himself and only himself, undermined other people's achievements, couldn't stand me mentioning other men, he got offended easily, never admitted to some obvious flaws and mistakes he made, wanted to appear like nothing could get to him, showed no empathy.

In his eyes, he is this great lover, great in bed and with the ladies, has a good job and is from an reasonably wealthy family, very entitled and self comfident, someone every girl wants to be with – and I rejected him every time he said he wanted something more – Him, who never had to try hard or try at all when girls are in question, but did it for me, was caring and gentle, he opened himself to me, stopped pretending. I admit, we really had a connection or something.

I was swept of my feet at the beginning also, I developed some emotions for him, was eager to see him, loved spending time with him, got used to his love-bombing and affection and I got really confused with it all but I was very clear from the beggining to the end about one thing – I wanted a casual thing at the time and I wouldn't change my mind no matter who I was seeing then, but also, I saw him for who he was from day one and knew I wanted nothing serious with a guy like him. I was conflicted between emotional and rational side and by the end, the emotional side won.

Also, i'm out of his leauge, I'm older, smarted, more intelligent and sophisticated...a great supply.

So, when he had enough of my „rejection“, he started being cruel to me, blowing me off and saying the never cared about me, that he was the one who wanted things to stay casual and i was the one who fell in love. Sometimes, he copy-pasted my messages back to me or said exact same things in those short moments when I was the one who wanted him, when he got me to a breaking point by reversing roles and distancing himself, denying me affection, contact, his time etc.

I lost perspective and allowed myself to be hurt by his words and actions, and what was worse – to react. I broke it off 3 times and all three, he crawled his way back in just so that he could hurt me more and reject me instead of me doing it to him. He was a whole another person. The most important thing to him was to make it clear he was in control and that HE was the one who didn't want ME anymore, not the other way around, that he could mess with me easily because he thought I was doing it to him. I believe he percived the whole thing as this great, calculated attack on him, something that made him feel threatened, undesireable, insecure and not worthy. He thought I was doing it on purpose so he wanted to get revenge, or so I believe.

We lost contact for 6 months, but a few days ago he contacted me (I'm over him, definitely and irreverseably). I can assume how big of a risk it was for him. He was very careful not to sound interested, tried a few times to ask me out but not in a direct way, asked if I met someone better than him (he mostly meant sexually). He is going away on business for four months and wanted to see me. We texted for two weeks and saw each other once. Nothing happened because I rejected his moves, we watched a movie and talked. He contacted me again with some nasty sexual messages, I turned him down but he contacted me again! Then, I decided why not, I wanted to see him on the last night he was here (to have sex, which was clear to him). He said he was going to get back to me later that day to comfirm the time ---but he never did. He left me on „seen“. Of course, what was I expecting. He felt threatened for a secong and his instincts kicked in – he had a chance to turn me down, to show me I had nothing on him and that he didn't want me, not even for sex and he couldn't pass it up.

So, my question is – what are your thoughts, is he a narcissist or just and immature, vengefull little and how to level the playing field, to make him give in again? Not for romantic reasons but to show him he's not messing with me again.

[ThatwasThen]

I said this in your duplicate thread:

 

(I'm over him, definitely and irreverseably).

 

"Well, that's not really true. If it were, you wouldn't have a need to "show him he's not messing with you again."

 

Block and delete him so he can't reach you again (if you're actually over him) it will make sure he can't "mess with you" again. "

 

I'm elaborating on my post from your previous thread here: *Being over someone is being indifferent to them. You wanting to inflict some kind of revenge on him or make him understand something means you still have some emotional addiction going on. Time to cleanse yourself of him in all ways (zero contact will help with that) including in your thoughts. Change them to something else when he pops into your head for any reason.

[rosephase]

You are playing childish head games with someone who gets off on childish head games. It's a waste of your time and emotional energy. You were so proud to be the one that was rejecting him. You were getting off on your own head games and he is too. You are both immature and self centered. The only reason you want contact is to "prove" something to him and yourself. Stop getting off on the drama and you'll stop having so much drama.

[ewdol]

Youre bullting yourself. At some point you were smarter than him but now youre the same and bitter about it. Now youre obsessing about his actions and paying no mind to your own. Youve lost yourself. Go reread what you wrote. Youre asking strangers online how to play mind games to get a guy under your thumb again. Guys do this to girls all the time and women hate them for it, so why do you think its respectable to pull the same thing?

 

How are you gonna say you wanted something casual when youre obsessed about controlling him because you hate his character? I think the bigger thing you need to realize is that this whole thing is very much your own doing and its pretty childish. If you were mature youd walk away asap and get over it, actually you wouldnt have even let it get to this point. And you wouldnt get obviously drunk off your control over him. Honestly this post was hard to read and asks all the wrong questions.

[Capricorn3]

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