Is it ever a good idea to contact someone a long time after they rejected you?

[fivespot]

I have a question...

 

I've been basically obsessed with this one girl for something like 7 years now. And I know it's not healthy, and I've dated other girls. It's not like I haven't tried to move on in all this time. The problem is, she's literally everything I'd want in a girlfriend and I've never been able to connect with anyone like I have with her. Not even my ex girlfriend, which was the only serious relationship I've ever had, like 10 years ago.

 

Anyway, when I first met this girl 7 years ago, she had a boyfriend, but we tried to stay friends (but she knew I couldn't handle being just friends, so we basically stayed pen pals, exchanging email every few months, but that was it).

 

She breaks up with her boyfriend 4 years ago and I all but begged her to give me a chance, but she had already started dating some guy she worked with.

 

They broke up about a year ago because he cheated on her, and that's when we started talking and hanging out like never before.

 

She told me she knew about my feelings all these years and apologized for leading me on. My feelings caused some turbulence in our "friendship" which I apologized for, and she said that she totally understood and that I had nothing to be sorry about.

 

During this time, I asked her out on a date and while she did say yes, it never happened. She got cold feet I guess, since her boyfriend still lived with her at the time. After I asked her on a date, that's when she started inching away from me. I called her out on it and she said that she was sorry, but she wasn't in a place to date anyone right now.

 

I told her I understood, but that I couldn't stay friends with her--that it hurt too much to be "just friends" with someone I had deep feelings for. But this made her really mad, so I told I still wanted to hang out with her. But now by this point, she started turning me down every single time I asked her to hang out with me as just friends. Eventually, she inched away so much that it felt like we were total strangers. This precipitated into a huge fight where I essentially told her not to contact me anymore, and she told me not to contact her anymore, either. She was extremely nasty about it...so much so that I told her that to me, this felt like this was what she wanted all along, yet she denied that.

 

This all happened last winter.

 

I emailed her just a few months ago. I told her that I was sorry for not listening to what she was telling me (she said she didn't want a relationship). I told her I was sorry for snapping at her the way I did, but I told her that clearly I couldn't handle being "just friends" so I said that I thought it was best to keep going with no contact. She never replied.

 

I'm second guessing myself, now. I feel horrible. I feel like I flushed someone who was really important to me down the drain. I'm thinking maybe she just did need some time to be alone. Everybody I talk to says it would be a horrible idea to contact her again. I guess I agree with them, but I miss her so much. I haven't been able to find anyone that even comes close to her.

 

Are my friends right? Is it a really bad idea to reach out to her? She had almost a whole year to reach out to me and she never did...

[Hollyj]

Follow your friends advice. There is no future here. Please seek therapy.

[firelily]

The question is, what would be the point of you reaching out? She can offer you only friendship, but you don't want that. You can offer her only relationship, but she doesn't want that. So you two have nothing to offer to each other. You can't "make" her want to be your girlfriend anymore than she can't make you want to be just a friend just by wishing it.

 

It's a good thing that you told her that you can't handle being friends with her, because this is the truth - you are being honest with yourself and her.

 

You want to contact her because you miss her, but contacting her won't end that yearning. There would be this high, you would feel hope again, then you would go through that mess again and get devastated again. Back to the starting point, just more and more hurt every time.

 

And it's not cool that you insisted on breaking her up with her boyfriend at that time. You have to start respecting her, what she wants, not only what you want. Sometimes if we really love someone we have to let them go to be happy with someone else.

 

I know she is an amazing person in your eyes, but somewhere there can be someone just as amazing and someone who is able to love you. Because life is unpredictable like that - we often think we will never love anyone more than that special person, but we get surprised. The world may feel like a sad place for some time, until someone else will make you very happy again - a person that would be worth investing all these feelings in. Someone who loves you. Because you deserve love. This girl never loved you. Never wanted to go on a date with you. Never particularly wanted to be friends with you. She's tolerating being friends with you, but didn't reach to you on her own. How is that your dream girl? Wouldn't the woman of your dreams be someone crazy over you as well?

 

You will be able to see all that, but only after you close your heart here and open it to other people. If you haven't had a serious relationship in 10 years, it might be the reason while your world shrinked a bit. But the world is full of amazing people. If you get into another serious relationship with someone you really admire, I promise you, you won't understand why you spent so much time fighting for this girl. I'm saying this from experience.

 

You're missing out on something amazing. But not with her. With her, you just can't have anything more.

[firelily]

You know what, I wrote too much I should just give the mic to this guy who wrote this 10 years ago:

 

But that's the stuff I want to get out of my head, because I'm afraid it's holding me back and keeping me from moving on. I know I'm not getting anywhere with her, but at the same time, it's possible that I'm missing out on being with someone that truly loves and cares about me. It's a paradox...and endless cycle. I don't want to let go of the hope of being with her SOMEDAY but I don't want to put my life on hold either.

 

He - Fivespot in 2007 - would never want you to spent these 10 years like you did.

 

Do you want to spend the next 10 years like this? 20? Or do you want to think in 10 years: damn, I'm so thankful to myself I finally moved on with my life here, I could have been still stuck in this.

[fivespot]

Wow...lol you really got me there, firefly!

 

I'll freely admit it. Obviously I keep falling into the same exact patterns over and over again. You're totally right.

 

The whole reason I signed up to enotalone 10 years ago was to deal with the breakup of my ex. And it's funny of you to remind me of this...that I had the same exact issue of letting go of my ex, too.

 

Yeah, I'm really disappointed/ashamed of myself for not being able to move on like this. And it isn't like I haven't tried. I've literally tried everything. I've gone on blind dates, online dating, I've tried meeting people through friends and family.

 

I think that what happens is, because I don't seem to have a lot of options (and the options get less and less the older I get), I regress back into the "good old days" idealizing what was or what could have been, instead of actually moving forward. I really think the lack of options keeps me in this cycle. If I had a bigger circle of friends and a bigger network of girls I knew who were single, I know for sure I wouldn't be so stuck on the people who offer nothing but dead ends.

 

Now that I'm in my 30s, things are way worse than I could have ever imagined. There were slim pickings in my 20, but it's like a barren desert now.

[glitterfingers]

She might have liked you at one point, hence the original connection you once felt for her. But that's done now and you have yet to accept it because for you it's still real. I would say she emotionally moved on many years ago, whereas you didn't. She kept you around as a backup prospect though, which a lot of women will do with a guy who's shown interest in them but who they don't consider relationship material.

 

The minute you start trying to jump out of the friend zone (try and remove yourself as a back up option to become a top prospect), she gets annoyed and distances herself from you. Why? Because she's not interested. It's not that she doesn't want a relationship after all this time, and she might have started dating/exploring her options a few months after her last break up. But she didn't want to date you.

 

Do you know how you can tell the difference between someone who is right for you but just not ready, and someone who actually doesn't return your feelings and is making excuses? Whether or not they've ever expressed romantic feelings, or better yet, whether they've actually tried to be in a romantic relationship with you and it didn't work out for whatever reason. If she wanted it, she'd have tried at some point in the last 7 yrs.

 

I know this is a bit cold, but you need to hear the truth. She doesn't want you, and it's unlikely she ever will because of your history of pursuing her and being a doormat when she expressed disinterest. I hate being this bluntly honest, because I'm the kind of person who (just like her) will say "I'm not ready" when what I really mean is "I'm not at all interested, please back TF away and stay at a comfortable distance until I find someone else so I have a more solid excuse to reject your advances"

 

If reading this hurts, then I think it's what you need. Because you have this fantasy running in your mind (and believe me, it is JUST a fantasy) that she is the woman for you, and it's dragged out way too long despite no interest from her. In order for you to move on, you're going to have to accept the truth and grieve the loss of your fantasy. Which will be hard, because fantasies are beautiful things that keep us moving forward and searching for the best that life has to offer. But more often than not, when it comes to people, those fantasies are in complete contrast with reality. You're fooling yourself because you want to believe there's something more out there than what you have in front of you.

 

The good news is, there likely is something more/better out there. But it's not this woman.

 

So no, do not contact her. Ever. Never ever. Put that fantasy to rest once and for all, move on, and embrace new, real experiences

[Hollyj]

.............................

[MissCanuck]

It really is time for you to let go of her.

 

Being friends doesn't work because you are in love with her and she's not in love with you. You keep asking her out or trying to get closer to her, and she keeps distancing herself from you. After years of this, you need to concede that it's not going to happen. Listen to your friends and don't contact her. She is not interested and it will only keep you in the throes of this one-sided infatuation.

 

You've wasted enough of your time on this.

[firelily]

Wow...lol you really got me there, firefly!

 

I'll freely admit it. Obviously I keep falling into the same exact patterns over and over again. You're totally right.

 

The whole reason I signed up to enotalone 10 years ago was to deal with the breakup of my ex. And it's funny of you to remind me of this...that I had the same exact issue of letting go of my ex, too.

 

Yeah, I'm really disappointed/ashamed of myself for not being able to move on like this. And it isn't like I haven't tried. I've literally tried everything. I've gone on blind dates, online dating, I've tried meeting people through friends and family.

 

I think that what happens is, because I don't seem to have a lot of options (and the options get less and less the older I get), I regress back into the "good old days" idealizing what was or what could have been, instead of actually moving forward. I really think the lack of options keeps me in this cycle. If I had a bigger circle of friends and a bigger network of girls I knew who were single, I know for sure I wouldn't be so stuck on the people who offer nothing but dead ends.

 

Now that I'm in my 30s, things are way worse than I could have ever imagined. There were slim pickings in my 20, but it's like a barren desert now.

 

Oh, I thought it was the same woman. See, that makes my point. You felt you were hopelessly in love with a woman, than hopelessly in love with another woman. You may think you will never love anyone as much, but chances are, you will feel as intense about someone next time, feeling like THIS TIME it really is the biggest thing ever and you will never move on (hopefully it will work out better though

 

It's good that you're so insightful about stuff. Dating is hard, but no matter how it goes, you can't go into your "good old days" because it's a trap and not a solace. You have to broaden your world. Go out, meet with friends, if you don't have the energy for dating. Sometimes when I'm stuck idealizing someone and I don't think there are any more cool people in the world, it works great for me just to go out. See handsome guys in a cafe. Swiping like crazy on okcupid, reading all these profiles until I let myself imagine that some of these people could be just as interesting and loveable. Then I'm able to fall asleep, not trapped in hopeless idealization, longing and focusing all my thoughts on someone I can't have. So try to find habits that work for you and try to develop them. Avoid habits that make it worse, like snooping through the old pictures, changing her social media, allowing yourself to dream "what if", etc. Something will click and it won't take as much self-discipline, but you have to push yourself a bit to that healthy place again.

[fivespot]

I know this is a bit cold, but you need to hear the truth. She doesn't want you, and it's unlikely she ever will because of your history of pursuing her and being a doormat when she expressed disinterest. I hate being this bluntly honest, because I'm the kind of person who (just like her) will say "I'm not ready" when what I really mean is "I'm not at all interested, please back TF away and stay at a comfortable distance until I find someone else so I have a more solid excuse to reject your advances"

 

If reading this hurts, then I think it's what you need.

 

Actually, it doesn't hurt at all. But, you're more right than you know. If you would have told me this last year, then yes, I would have been completely devastated.

 

But I've had pretty close to a year to recover from how much that whole thing hurt.

 

I just keep having this thing in the back of my mind saying that she truly wasn't ready for a relationship last year because of the breakup, she needed time, and instead of giving her time, I ended up telling her to never contact me again, instead.

 

That's I guess what's messing with my head.

[fivespot]

Oh, I thought it was the same woman. See, that makes my point. You felt you were hopelessly in love with a woman, than hopelessly in love with another woman. You may think you will never love anyone as much, but chances are, you will feel as intense about someone next time, feeling like THIS TIME it really is the biggest thing ever and you will never move on (hopefully it will work out better though

 

It's good that you're so insightful about stuff. Dating is hard, but no matter how it goes, you can't go into your "good old days" because it's a trap and not a solace. You have to broaden your world. Go out, meet with friends, if you don't have the energy for dating. Sometimes when I'm stuck idealizing someone and I don't think there are any more cool people in the world, it works great for me just to go out. See handsome guys in a cafe. Swiping like crazy on okcupid, reading all these profiles until I let myself imagine that some of these people could be just as interesting and loveable. Then I'm able to fall asleep, not trapped in hopeless idealization, longing and focusing all my thoughts on someone I can't have. So try to find habits that work for you and try to develop them. Avoid habits that make it worse, like snooping through the old pictures, changing her social media, allowing yourself to dream "what if", etc. Something will click and it won't take as much self-discipline, but you have to push yourself a bit to that healthy place again.

 

Ha! Come to think of it, I'm not sure now what thread you found that quote from. I was thinking it was one you dredged up from years and years ago, but now that I think about it, I do remember asking for advice on this forum last year when all this was happeneing, so that thread could have been for the same girl (I'm getting tired and too lazy to go back and look lol)

 

In any event, what I said still holds true. My pattern of not being able to let my ex go mirrors exactly my unwillingness to let go of this girl I'm still currently infatuated with.

 

And I totally get it. I am doing things to try and meet new people. I take a class once a month in a major nearby city. I do get out and about. Actually, earlier this year, I dated a girl for like 3 weeks. During that time, it was amazing. I didn't think of the girl [that this thread is about] once. But, things fizzled out quickly. I very quickly, over those 3 weeks, realized that we weren't compatible and that this girl was totally wrong for me. So, what happens next? Inevitably, I fall back into old patters and start obsessing about the one that got away again.

[glitterfingers]

Actually, it doesn't hurt at all. But, you're more right than you know. If you would have told me this last year, then yes, I would have been completely devastated.

 

But I've had pretty close to a year to recover from how much that whole thing hurt.

 

I just keep having this thing in the back of my mind saying that she truly wasn't ready for a relationship last year because of the breakup, she needed time, and instead of giving her time, I ended up telling her to never contact me again, instead.

 

That's I guess what's messing with my head.

 

You might have acted on intuition that your fantasising mind wants to ignore

You did the right thing.

[nutbrownhare]

Don't contact her, especially in view of your history with her. At best it will leave you feeling hurt and rejected... and that's the best case scenario. It's very disturbing to be contacted out of the blue by someone you rejected in the past and have no interest in, and how she deals with that - who knows?

 

Whatever, it will certainly not bring the outcome you want.

[Giblesp]

Please do some self work before you get hurt. You are pursuing emotionally unavailable women who treat you badly. and can't see it.