paintedfish Posted November 30, 2017 Share Posted November 30, 2017 So I used to be on here all the time, and I just recently posted about problems my husband and I were having. Quite a few of you told me to get out of that relationship, and two weeks ago he did it for me. What sparked this is me telling him about how verbally abusive he gets when he's drunk hurts me, deeply. And the subject was almost always our sex life, but his drunken brain would find anything he was upset about to scream at me for too. I could never fight back or it would make it worse. We have never been able to drink together, even a few, or we end up fighting. Every vacation in 4 years (including the honeymoon) was ruined by fights, mostly about sex. All of it took a huge toll on me till I was just scared to be around him even when he was sober, and I felt like I couldn't talk to him about my day for fear that when he got drunk and mad next, it would be something else I'd get screamed at for. We had a long talk a few days ago, after I've been hiding in our spare bedroom for over a week when I'm home. I told him I had done a lot of thinking, and that we're just... incompatible on a lot of levels besides being friends. We discussed what we each need from a sexual partner, and for the first time, what type of romance we need from a relationship. We are pretty sexually incompatible. As far as romance, he wants candlelit dinners and coming home to lingerie surprises. I like sitting on parking garage roofs and watching the sunset, and talking about life. I want to be taken somewhere pretty and people watch and be stupid and laugh with the other person. We can't meet in the middle. I hate big surprises and candlelight dinners, and he can't understand what I want. So, we agreed that the split is the right thing to do, and that we'll stay friends because we are great friends. We are going to live in the same house until February until we have enough money to get our own places. I'm moving out with my best friend, and I'm going to be a single mom to three pets. It might be pertinent to mention I am currently medicated for a mood disorder, and I am in and have been in therapy on and off for awhile for that and PTSD. I have pretty bad anxiety, and I get breakthrough episodes of depression, especially during stressful times. So that's where I'm coming from I guess. Right now, I am drowning. I have felt that way for months, maybe longer, but it's only been bad recently. And with the looming divorce, and being cut off from the person who was my best friend and main support, I just hurt all the time. I know that we just split, and that's normal. But it goes way back. Before him, and before all this. I have little breaks in my depression, and medication has helped immensely. But I just feel so alone, and so unfulfilled. I have friends that I can talk to a bit, but there's only so much people are willing to listen, and only so much I'm going to put on them. I'm scared to reach out as much as I need because I'll just get too attached to people and smother them with my pathetic self pity and sadness. I've been feelings so low that at times I've had suicidal ideations. I'm stronger than that these days, and I know I have a lot to live for. But I'm so lost. I feel trapped. So alone and so lonely and like a huge burden on everyone I know. I feel annoying and clingy. My self-esteem is shot when it was never great to start with. This relationship has screwed me up, too. I have been taking anxiety meds almost every day just to get through work and I'm still just scraping by. I know I have pretty huge abandonment issues that I need to work on, and I am. I just hate being around myself. And I see all this advice about learning to love being alone and loving yourself and I have literally no idea what that means. It sounds nice, but its pretty vague and unhelpful. I think my vision of myself is so skewed, but I don't know how to right it. I get dizzy from the whiplash of thinking about how great I am to what a horrible burden and flawed, unlovable thing I am. I'm scared of dating again some day because most people just use you. I'm young-ish, I'm passably attractive (even though I'm pretty underweight right now, 95 lbs at 5'3"). Point being, finding someone who wants to "date" me might not be hard. Someone who I trust and who will be gentle and patient and kind with me... I don't know if that's something I can find. I don't know that I'm worth someone who cares about me. If, after medication and therapy I'm still this awful, what chance do I have? I've clawed my way out of hell through my life, and I've come so far, but what if this is it? What if I survived all that just to be this sad, broken thing? When I love, and when I trust someone, I love them with my whole heart. Not just partners, but people in my life. I would burn down the world or jump on a grenade for the people I care about. It takes me awhile to get there, but when I am it's unwavering. It just hurts so bad when they betray my trust or leave me, and I'm so tired of getting hurt. My whole life has just been so painful. I keep thinking that I'll just take myself out on dates and give myself the romance I want, but I'm so busy, and so tired, and so down and raw that I just can't make myself. I don't know if I just needed to vent, or if I'm looking for help. I just feel desperately lonely, and I want to know how to make it stop. Link to comment
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