I messed up my relationship. Now we are acting like FWB.

[AlexSays]

I’ve posted before my story of how me and my ex broke up. We dated for 8 months. Known him for over 2 years though and had a good friendship with him prior to dating. Long story short, we had a not-so-healthy relationship. I didn’t trust him and now, he doesn’t trust me. When we started, I found out he was talking to me and his ex. Tried to leave him but he said he’d hurt himself if I did. I stayed, never trusted him fully, despite his attempts and putting him through hell to MAKE him break up with me. I finally stopped trying to get us to break up and let myself fall in love with him and we had reached a happy point.

 

He broke up with me after I did something stupid. I texted him pretending to be his ex (to squash the insecurity that if she came back he would leave. Since I lost my trust to him because of her at the time it felt like the only way to get the trust back was to see how he would react to her coming back) to see if he would fall but he straight up rejected her and told her he loved me and was happy with me. That he wished her well and happiness. When I told him it was me he was devastated and we broke up. I let him go to work on my issues because it was a wake up call that I had some serious insecurity issues to address and work on. I went to therapy for a while and started working on myself. Still am, to this day.

 

Now 2 months later, we are attempting a “friendship”. However this friendship outings always turn into us holding hands, kissing, hugging. He always says I love you before we part. I always say I miss you. We flirt here and there. For the first time last night I turned it sexual but we didn’t have sex (we actually haven’t had sex bc I’m a virgin and I was waiting for our 1yr anniversary which was last night to give it to him) but we messed around. After I felt weird so I became a bit awkward. After like 10mins of silence he reaches for my hand and holds it and we held hands and cuddled for a bit.

 

 

The unspoken agreement is that if we find someone else it will stop. I asked if he’s seeing/talking to anyone atm and he said he isn’t. But I know he slept with someone after we broke up (he had not had sex for over a year since I made him wait). He and his ex are back to being friends due to what I did as well. Idk how their relationship is now but he said it’s just friends. He is also still talking to the girl he had sex with, but doesn’t actually want anything with her according to him and his social media.

 

Now we both have agreed not to get back together but obviously there’s a strong emotional/physical attachment on both sides and I’m finding it hard to let go. Honestly I want to hear of people’s experiences. I know 9/10 times this usually ends up in heartbreak. I’m obviously more emotionally attached than he is considering I’m the one that messed up in the end but I’d love to hear peoples opinion and maybe get advice on how to keep the feelings out of the way.

[DanZee]

Well, I don't see how you screwed up. You didn't talk about some of the things he did, but he was certainly using emotional abuse to blackmail you into staying with him by threatening suicide. A normal person doesn't do this. Also what was the "something stupid I did" that caused him to break up with you? Abusers will jump on any little indiscretion you do to chastise their partners to try to control them. Since he's also seeing two other girls, both of whom may be giving him sex, it's really only you who's emotionally attached to him. He's not worth it. He's not loyal. He probably cheated on you when you were dating him. And I still don't see how you "messed up." Forget this guy and find someone nice.

[figureitout23]

Unfortunately, there's no way to keep your feelings 'out of the way'. It's going to be hard for you to keep acting like a couple without actually being one. Especially if you already have insecurity issues. I'd stop being romantic until there's some sort of resolution.

[AlexSays]

id. I texted him pretending to be his ex (to squash the insecurity that if she came back he would leave. Since I lost my trust to him because of her at the time it felt like the only way to get the trust back was to see how he would react to her coming back) to see if he would fall but he straight up rejected her and told her he loved me and was happy with me. That he wished her well and happiness. When I told him it was me we broke up on the spot

[CONFUSED214]

of course he is still talking to the girls who gave him sex. yall are not a couple and they are giving it up. but i wouldn't have broken up because you pulled that little trick stunt ... unless i was looking for a reason to go and play around a bit. i'm probably the wrong person to be commenting on anybody's relationships though.

but jealousy is a good thing and a bad thing. to me it means that you just don't want to get blindsided.

[AlexSays]

He said if I had done it to just him we would still be together but I also texted her pretending to be him to get info out of her to make it more realistic that it was her he was talking to. He bought it. I mean I don’t want to get back together because he pulled out the worst in me and I was pulling the best in him. I let myself go completely and I’m definitely in a better state of mind after therapy and working on myself. The problem is I can’t seem to find the strength to just drop him. I do honestly love him. I’m not in love with him though.

[figureitout23]

He said if I had done it to just him we would still be together but I also texted her pretending to be him to get info out of her to make it more realistic that it was her he was talking to. He bought it. I mean I don’t want to get back together because he pulled out the worst in me and I was pulling the best in him. I let myself go completely and I’m definitely in a better state of mind after therapy and working on myself. The problem is I can’t seem to find the strength to just drop him. I do honestly love him. I’m not in love with him though.

 

Then what do you want? What are you asking for and why would you sleep with an ex if you want to move on?

[ThatwasThen]

He said if I had done it to just him we would still be together but I also texted her pretending to be him to get info out of her to make it more realistic that it was her he was talking to. He bought it. I mean I don’t want to get back together because he pulled out the worst in me and I was pulling the best in him. I let myself go completely and I’m definitely in a better state of mind after therapy and working on myself. The problem is I can’t seem to find the strength to just drop him. I do honestly love him. I’m not in love with him though.

 

I respectfully suggest that you address the part in bold with your therapist and hopefully she can draw out of you what it is you need to do, mentally, to get over him for good. He's still talking to the very woman that triggered you into doing something very sketchy and dishonest... that alone should be enough for you to stop all contact with him and find someone who isn't talking to his eff buddy and ex lover.

[ThatwasThen]

He said if I had done it to just him we would still be together but I also texted her pretending to be him to get info out of her to make it more realistic that it was her he was talking to. He bought it. I mean I don’t want to get back together because he pulled out the worst in me and I was pulling the best in him. I let myself go completely and I’m definitely in a better state of mind after therapy and working on myself. The problem is I can’t seem to find the strength to just drop him. I do honestly love him. I’m not in love with him though.

 

I respectfully suggest that you address the part in bold with your therapist and hopefully she can draw out of you what it is you need to do, mentally, to get over him for good. He's still talking to the very woman that triggered you into doing something very sketchy and dishonest... that alone should be enough for you to stop all contact with him and find someone who isn't still talking to his eff buddy and ex lover.

[ThatwasThen]

He said if I had done it to just him we would still be together but I also texted her pretending to be him to get info out of her to make it more realistic that it was her he was talking to. He bought it. I mean I don’t want to get back together because he pulled out the worst in me and I was pulling the best in him. I let myself go completely and I’m definitely in a better state of mind after therapy and working on myself. The problem is I can’t seem to find the strength to just drop him. I do honestly love him. I’m not in love with him though.

 

I respectfully suggest that you address the part in bold with your therapist and hopefully she can draw out of you what it is you need to do, mentally, to get over him for good. He's still talking to the very woman that triggered you into doing something very sketchy and dishonest... that alone should be enough for you to stop all contact with him and find someone who isn't still talking to his eff buddy and ex lover.

[ThatwasThen]

He said if I had done it to just him we would still be together but I also texted her pretending to be him to get info out of her to make it more realistic that it was her he was talking to. He bought it. I mean I don’t want to get back together because he pulled out the worst in me and I was pulling the best in him. I let myself go completely and I’m definitely in a better state of mind after therapy and working on myself. The problem is I can’t seem to find the strength to just drop him. I do honestly love him. I’m not in love with him though.

 

I respectfully suggest that you address the part in bold with your therapist and hopefully she can draw out of you what it is you need to do, mentally, to get over him for good. He's still talking to the very woman that triggered you into doing something very sketchy and dishonest... that alone should be enough for you to stop all contact with him and find someone who isn't still talking to his eff buddy and ex lover.

[ThatwasThen]

He said if I had done it to just him we would still be together but I also texted her pretending to be him to get info out of her to make it more realistic that it was her he was talking to. He bought it. I mean I don’t want to get back together because he pulled out the worst in me and I was pulling the best in him. I let myself go completely and I’m definitely in a better state of mind after therapy and working on myself. The problem is I can’t seem to find the strength to just drop him. I do honestly love him. I’m not in love with him though.

 

I respectfully suggest that you address the part in bold with your therapist and hopefully she can draw out of you what it is you need to do, mentally, to get over him for good. He's still talking to the very woman that triggered you into doing something very sketchy and dishonest... that alone should be enough for you to stop all contact with him and find someone who isn't still talking to his eff buddy and ex lover/girlfriend.

 

There are guys out there that don't need to collect ex's as a habit.

[AlexSays]

I want to move on but keep him in my life. They only started talking again because of what I did and he had rejected her when I was texting him.

 

Also they only stopped talking because I gave him the ultimatum me or her. He chose me. I found out while texting her that she tried to mend things and be friends again and he ignored her.

 

Now though, I have no idea how their relationship is. According to him, it’s just friends. He posts a lot on social media about being alone and missing having someone to spoil. I just don’t know how to take it. If he’s just trying to keep his options open, even though I feel like part of that is because he feels he won’t find better.

 

I am accomplishing a lot right now. I have a second book coming out next month, I’m traveling a lot, I’m a very positive person and I’m losing a lot of weight (lost 15lb in a month). I’m also physically his type and he’s still very much attracted to me and it’s very clear there’s a lot of physical attraction. I taught him how to drive, helped get his license, helped him get in school, pushed him to get a promotion (which he got). I’ve always been spontaneous and adventurous and he’s been more of an introvert so I pulled out the adventurous side of him and always made us go on random adventures. The definition of opposites is what we were.

 

However in helping him, I stopped helping myself. I let myself go and became insecure. He’s also dealing with depression and insecurity. I just want to know how this seems to other people. When we are in love, we often miss the big picture. So I want to know what do you think he might be doing/thinking.

[ThatwasThen]

He broke up with you and he's still talking to the very person you told him to choose so why do you think being his friend is such a good idea when he clearly wants her in his life? You don't trust her being there so any 'friendship' you form with him will be causing you as much angst and insecurity as it did when you were a couple. Wanting to keep him in your life as your friend is just fear talking. I's impossible for you to be demoted to just friend and be okay with it when you are still so obsessed with him. You're still in the throes of your addiction to him and are in pain from having to rehab him from your life so you are grasping at anything that you think will ease the symptoms of that withdrawl.

 

What do I think he's thinking. I think he's thinking that he's sad that the relationship ended but now that it has, his trying to heal.

He broke up with you. He knows where you are if he can forgive you enough to think he will be able to start back up with you. Please do yourself a favor and don't hold out hope for that. Continue working on your own insecurities and maintain zero contact so that you can heal from this.

[AlexSays]

He’s trying to heal but he makes things physical every time. Not sexual, but holds my hand in public, kisses me, hugs me, acts like we are together. Says he loves me, we still have fun when we go out as friends and don’t speak of the relationship or possibly getting back together.

 

I was the one that turned it sexual last time by giving him a BJ in the movie theater. I was always one to try the crazy stuff and be down to try anything.

 

We haven’t had sex. I’m a virgin so we never had sex but we had fun other ways. I’m scared if he’s using me to soften the blow.... I decided to walk away after the 29th of this month because we have a concert we are going to we already bought tickets for.

[ThatwasThen]

Oh wow... why would he change anything when he's getting everything he got PLUS he still gets to talk to the other chick just like before?

 

.... I decided to walk away after the 29th of this month because we have a concert we are going to we already bought tickets for.

Good. I recommend you Don't blow him after or during it though. O.O

[AlexSays]

I’m so glad we got to talk because I’m seeing what you’re saying and dang it really all makes sense... I HAVE to walk away. Or at the very least keep the boundaries.... how to withhold the attraction though? How to approach walking away if it comes to it? He’s the only person I’ve ever done sexual stuff with and I’m only comfortable with him.

 

Also I forgot to mention... he got us a hotel for 3 days. The day of the concert, the next day which is my bday, and then the next day. So we’re staying together Friday-Sunday....

 

Yet again, I’ve told him, no sex will occur because I won’t have sex until I’m in a committed relationship. And also I don’t want to sleep in the same bed.

 

I was thinking of having the NC talk with him the last day of the hotel. What do you think? I think his answer to me disappearing from his life will ultimately be the answer to all my questions. I know there’s a higher chance of me getting hurt, but I also think it’ll be more final and I’ll be prepared.

[ThatwasThen]

I’m so glad we got to talk because I’m seeing what you’re saying and dang it really all makes sense... I HAVE to walk away. Or at the very least keep the boundaries.... how to withhold the attraction though?

What is the point in holding onto any attraction to one another if he's not willing to commit to you and give up on the chick in question? You're trying to keep being attracted to someone that isn't your boyfriend.

 

How to approach walking away if it comes to it? He’s the only person I’ve ever done sexual stuff with and I’m only comfortable with him.

You talk to him about your boundaries (no sex or sexual stuff) outside of a committed relationship and since being with him is hard to resist, you think that going no contact is the correct thing to do if you're not going to reconcile as boyfriend/girlfriend.

 

When/if you go no contact from him if he's not willing to get back together as an exclusive couple where he doesn't talk to the other chick, then eventually you will get to the stage of indifference to him and you'll be open enough in heart and mind to relate to other guys and you'll get to the stage of being comfortable with them just like you did your current (ex)boyfriend.

 

I was thinking of having the NC talk with him the last day of the hotel. What do you think?

yes, have the "do you want to get back together or are we going no contact" talk as soon as you can.

 

I know there’s a higher chance of me getting hurt, but I also think it’ll be more final and I’ll be prepared.

Do whatever it takes for you to get out of this state of limbo you're both in.

 

Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

[AlexSays]

Update: so we have become distant once more. I’m away traveling again this week. The same day I left he posted a snap with HIS EX of them hanging out in a park. That kind of did it. That was the one thing that made me go from “should we try this again?” To “I honestly just want you out of my life”

 

The next day he snapped me saying “he’s sad he has no one to spend his Christmas joys with” and I ignored it and instead sent a pic of something random. I think he could feel the “interested” switch turn off for me.

 

Then today he sent me snaps wearing the shirt I gifted him. He thanked me for it and I just said you welcome. I ignored his next 2 snaps which were random. Then he snapped me again a picture of a video game and I replied with a picture of food. We haven’t really talked though.

 

He seems to be very weary of my snapchats for he is always watching them within the first 5mins of me posting them. Also he deleted his social media today. I have no idea what to make of that.

 

Needless to say, I’m no longer spending my bday with him. I’m only going to the concert due to the ticket already being bought. In this concert I’m gonna act like the baddest and happiest b*tch on earth, and show him I don’t need him to be happy. Time to tell him Bye Felicia.

[MissCanuck]

Stop giving him access to you, and delete this guy off all of your social media, should he decide to reactivate. You won't really move on otherwise.

 

But yes, you need to get him out of your life. You're clearly not the only girl he's talking to. He plays with you and you sure don't need that. It's time to forget him.

[AlexSays]

He deleted his main social media which is twitter. We still have each other on Snapchat and IG and fb but he rarely uses them, only sc and Twitter(which he deleted and was his main venting platform). I can’t wait for this concert. I’m ghosting him right after it, I literally have ran out of screws to give. At this point I don’t even want reconciliation or even keeping him as a friend. I’m done with him and his stupid childish games. I got an entire world to conquer to be worried about childish guys that don’t know what they want.

[ThatwasThen]

He deleted his main social media which is twitter. We still have each other on Snapchat and IG and fb but he rarely uses them, only sc and Twitter(which he deleted and was his main venting platform). I can’t wait for this concert. I’m ghosting him right after it, I literally have ran out of screws to give. At this point I don’t even want reconciliation or even keeping him as a friend. I’m done with him and his stupid childish games. I got an entire world to conquer to be worried about childish guys that don’t know what they want.

You go, gurl.

[AlexSays]

Yet another update: he keeps trying to strike up a conversation with me... I’ve kept it vague, or friendly. Like I don’t really care if he’s there or not. I left him on read on both texts and snaps today when he started Trying to strike up actual conversations. I think he might be realizing I’m done. He’s very insecure and he msg me today saying he was expecting me to send him lots of snaps of my trip but was surprised I didn’t.

 

I keep reading both go strict NC but if we are on good terms to go LC (light contact) which is I guess what I’m already doing...

 

I’m already in a spot where I have a lot going for me and I’m blessed and so thankful for everything that’s going on right now for me and I’ve made that clear. I’m confident and happy. Do you think this may be the reason he’s trying?

 

Sigh.

[MissCanuck]

Nah, he's on an ego-trip and trying to get your attention. Once he has that, he will likely distance himself again because he scratched that itch.

[AlexSays]

Well my attention is all on me now so he’s out of luck.

Thank you. This has been so helpful in keeping me realistic and not wishful.