Yet another sex-starved husband...

[jake1212]

I'm not sure whether I'm posting something here because I want advice or because I just need to air this out somewhere, somehow...

 

I love my wife. I stopped just now, debating whether to type "I think"... but no, I do love her. It's just that at this precise moment, I'm feeling a creeping resentment that I wish weren't there, but I can't honeslty deny that it exists.

 

We've been married for four years. We have a young son who we both love and who is terrific. But our sex life is practically non-existent. I know some who are reading this will jump on that detail about the child and say that's the cause. But frankly, our sex life was dwindling even before she got pregnant.

 

Before we got married, she had an artistic career that she had to abandon because it wasn't working out (I've tried to encourage her to continue, paid for anything she needed to continue, and have praised her talents endlessly and genuinely, but it only seems to make her more frustrated rather than less).

 

I know that weighs on her. And now, yes, she's home with the baby all the time. I do what I can to help her. When he was very young, it was me who got him at night when he woke up. Not just sometimes, but every time. When he went from breast to bottle-feeding, my wife didn't even wake up. It was all me. Now, he sleeps through the night but it's me who gets him in the morning.

 

If there's time, I feed him breakfast, change him, and sometimes get him dressed. When I come home from work, if he hasn't had dinner, I feed him. She does too, but the chore is more or less split evenly. And almost invariably, it's me who puts him to bed. We go out to dinner when we can, which is more difficult these days. But more often then not, I either go out and get take out or I make something. She cooks sometimes too. But I do more of the cooking. We take turns giving the baby baths.

 

She's not lazy. And that's not the issue. If it weren't for her, our apartment would be a pigsty. She cleans up all the time (though, I do the dishes often and almost always take out the trash in the morning).

 

And no quesiton, being home alone with the baby... even if I do the things in the morning and night... is just a draining experience. He's a baby so he wants to be carried. He grunts and moans when he wants something. Etc. I know because I've stayed home with him. Just a few hours is tough.

 

She tells me that she doesn't have a life. That she can't rest or do things that she used to do. This is true, more or less. Except... after the mornings and before I come home to take him off her hands, I'm at the office. Working. And working pretty hard, I might add. I make a good amount of money, so that's not -- or shouldn't -- be the issue either.

 

I take her out for romantic dinners. We get babysitters (it's nearly impossible to get her to take initiative in scheduling a babysitter, so I have to do it). We have a big screen TV where we watch movies we couldn't get out to see in the theaters.

 

In other words, I try pretty hard to do all the things I already see suggested here to try and lift the burden from her. Even to the degree that I also feel I don't have any break from the schedule... take care of baby in the morning, get ready for work (iron my own shirts and pants), go to the office and work until 7pm, come home and take over the baby, go to bed and do it all over again. That's my life. But she seems to think somehow she's got it harder than I do.

 

Okay... so there are the issues that spill on the table.

 

Thing is, I believe we're in a marriage. And that marriage with a young kid isn't supposed to be easy. I accept that. But the marriage itself needs maintenance. Part of that includes making sure we have an active sex life, which seems -- to me -- key to keeping the warm feelings and communication lines open to each other.

 

She talks sometimes about how we should have more sex. She says she wants us to have sex 2-3 times per week. But when I initiate, she always has a reason to beg off. She used to initiate. She never does anymore. She claims she loves me, but she's listless and depressed most of the time.

 

If we make love now every six weeks or so, we're lucky.

 

The longer this goes on, the harder this feels to talk about. And talking about it at all, in fact, seems impossible. Because she's very dramatic and I'm afraid that once I bring it up, she's going to think it's just about me want to get sex. And that everything i do will be geared toward her getting in the mood.

 

I don't know what else I can do. Likewise, I don't know how I can do something about this without making it a big uncomfortable issue.

 

Sex is part of a marriage. It's not there because one person or the other (the man, usually) needs to 'get off.' It's there because sex is what makes and builds those bonds between too people.

 

Anyway, I just wanted to get some of this off my chest.

[HajiMaji]

I think you love your wife and i think you are a good man. Its hard to see how shed react and maybe im naive, but i like to think theres some way you could talk to your wife similar to how youve spoken to us here. Its clear to see how much you care about you wife and the quality of your relationship. Maybe if she saw that shed feed off the same energy? Maybe not. I hope everything works out man.

[RayKay]

Hi jake,

 

I agree 100% with your attitudes towards sex in marriage/relationships, in fact I just finished posting in another thread related to this one many of the same things you yourself just described (about how intimacy/sex is a bond, a way to share yourself with your partner, show your love and also yes, it is something that helps us increase the communication - it is a "glue" in many ways that brings us closer, helps us heal, but also helps us grow).

 

And once every 6 weeks is certainly not enough.

 

I am actually wondering reading your post if your wife is perhaps suffering from depression. Some of the things you describe in her actions, or how she has changed, and so on does indicate that it is possible she is, now it either may have started prior to the pregnancy, or it may of been compounded by the pregnancy and post-partum. And of course the stress of taking care of the baby all day may not help.

 

I do wonder if you are being fair in her not getting up at night/morning with the baby though - if she IS with him all day, and as you yourself said, it IS very tiring, that might be the only time she can catch up on that rest. While I know you also work all day, I think it is important for your wife that her life does not revolve entirely around the baby and the baby's schedule, do you know what I mean? While its hard on you to get up at night or in the morning or give baths, it is important that you do divide those responsibilities up. Maybe once a week even encourage her to go out and you will watch your son, maybe it will help her feel "part of society" again. I think it is common for newer parents to feel alienated from their previous life, and that can be tough.

 

I know it feels like you are doing a lot (and I can tell you are!) but to her right now if she is indeed feeling depressed she really might be totally exhausted, feel unattractive, and just truly "down". While working all day is definitely hard work, it is also said being a stay at home mother (or father) is the toughest job in the world. I think it is often underrated in terms of how exhausting it is. Basically your time is now that childs time. It becomes hard to remember who YOU as an individual are, as now you are a mother.

 

In NO way am I trying to tell you you are wrong, as I said I completely agree with you on the issue of sex, I think I am more just trying to illustrate her reasons, and maybe sort out why I am thinking she may actually be depressed, as she has changed a lot and so on. I know she is dramatic from your post and may react badly, but I really advise you find a way for her to talk to her doctor maybe or a therapist about these issues. If it is depression, she can get treatment for (although you may want to ensure that the drug they choose is not one that decreases sex drive, there are a couple that do increase it though, or at least keep it level, so she should mention this to her doctor/therapist as well).

 

I am sorry I don't have a solid answer for you, I do hope you can communicate with her all you told us yourself though, and get her to talk to someone, as it DOES sound like depression or maybe even a hormonal imbalance that is causing all of this.

 

Good luck.

[SlipperySammy]

You have to do somthing or it will only get worse.

 

You have to talk to her, and the sooner the better. I don't blaim you for putting it off...especially because she is dramatic. I have gone through a similar issue, and the catch 22 is that bringing up the issue takes the imtamcay out of the sex, and almost makes the problem worse before it makes it better.

 

I wish I had a better solution for you...and my self.

[DN]

RayKay said:

I do wonder if you are being fair in her not getting up at night/morning with the baby though - if she IS with him all day, and as you yourself said, it IS very tiring, that might be the only time she can catch up on that rest. While I know you also work all day, I think it is important for your wife that her life does not revolve entirely around the baby and the baby's schedule, do you know what I mean? While its hard on you to get up at night or in the morning or give baths, it is important that you do divide those responsibilities up.

RayKay, either you missed something or I did about his time with the baby:

 

know that weighs on her. And now, yes, she's home with the baby all the time. I do what I can to help her. When he was very young, it was me who got him at night when he woke up. Not just sometimes, but every time. When he went from breast to bottle-feeding, my wife didn't even wake up. It was all me. Now, he sleeps through the night but it's me who gets him in the morning.

 

If there's time, I feed him breakfast, change him, and sometimes get him dressed. When I come home from work, if he hasn't had dinner, I feed him. She does too, but the chore is more or less split evenly. And almost invariably, it's me who puts him to bed. We go out to dinner when we can, which is more difficult these days. But more often then not, I either go out and get take out or I make something. She cooks sometimes too. But I do more of the cooking. We take turns giving the baby baths.

 

I think you should have a talk with her about your sexual needs which are not at all unreasonable. There are some things that should be done:

 

Ask her to see a doctor or a gyno to see if there is something physically wrong.

 

And/or she should see a therapist to see if there is something wrong emotionally.

 

And/or you should both see a couples counsellor to see if there is a problem that you need to fix together.

 

If she will not do any of these things and your sex life does not improve then you will have to decide whether you want to stay in a marriage without sex or if you should sadly divorce and find someone else.

 

Remember that love is a two way street - it is not enough for her to be a mother to your child - she is also your sexual partner and for her to deny you those very normal and essential sexual and emotional connections without good cause is extremely selfish. You would be right to question her love for you if she will not do what is necessary to fix any problems.

 

I would also say that you must give her the necessary time and patience to fix those problems. In an extreme case, e.g. if there were some medical reason that she could never have sex again, then your wedding vows "in sickness and in health" etc. come into play. But at the moment, she is not keeping the part of her vows about "with my body I thee worship".

 

One more thing: be careful that a sudden interest in sex on her part isn't in fact a desire to have another child - if that is the case, you will probably face the same problem once she conceives.

[nikki19]

Jake, I think I can help. My husband and I just went through the identical situation you are in now. When I say identical I mean it, you sound like the same type of guy I'm married to, and your wife, well lets just say I tend to dramatize a bit myself. Also, I left an art career also (graphic designer) to stay home with my 2 children. You seem like a great guy, a great dad and husband. I'm guessing your wife is great too, but because of how you're feeling, understandably, you didn't make that point.

Our story played out in the same fashion. I used to initiate sex often, my sex drive was high. Then after the upheaval of having a baby and becoming a full time mom (which is exhausting), things changed. I can remember early on sex becoming something I had to do instead of something I wanted to do. Let me make the point that in no means meant I did not love my husband or that I found him any less attractive. If you've never been with a baby 24/7 there's really no way to describe how much energy they can sap out of you. You hold them, you feed them, you rock them, you bath them. It literally feels like they are attached to your body, especially when you are breast feeding. At the end of a long day, having your body to yourself is a godsend. Husband comes snuggling up looking for some lovin, and in my mind I'm thinking "Everyone wants my body". Sex became another thing on my list of things to do. After getting the baby to bed, sex with hubby, THEN I could have my time to myself. Servicing my family, that's how it seemed to me. I was like your wife, I had guilt about it, and even mentioned that I'd like to have sex 2-3 times a week like before, but the drive wasn't there. That's the best way I can describe it.

Like you, my husband didn't make a big deal out of it, and looking back I'm glad he didn't because I already felt guilty about not being the sexed-up woman he married. I thought as the baby got older things would return to normal. Then we had another baby (lol), and more of the same.

I can't tell you what is in your wife's head, but because our situations are so similar I can try. She thinks: He loves me and he understands. He understands what I'm going through and he knows it will get better with time. He knows that I love him and I thank him for being so patient. What I found out is that my husband was all those things, but he was also feeling rejected and neglected. He was equating my love for him with my desire. I'm betting your wife loves you more today than ever before. You don't lay guilt, you're a good dad, and you're supportive of her. She is probably well aware that you are in need of intimacy, but just can't be vixen you married right now. Motherhood changes a woman in every way, and it takes her time to find her new self. I guarantee at some point she will be back, new and improved. That doesn't help you much in the short term I know.

What changed things for us is something I don't recommend, but it was the catalyst. We were having a small spat about something and my husband just blurted out that he felt like I was repulsed by him, because I turned him down so much when he tried to initiate sex. I was dumbstruck. I had no idea he felt that way, that I made him feel that way. After that, I made sex a priority on my to-do list, right up there with bathe the baby. I admit I did some acting, pretending I was horny when I wasn't, telling him all those things he loves to hear, throwing in extra moans for good measure. Over time, I wasn't pretending anymore.

I don't suggest you start a fight with your wife. If there was a way you could talk to her without criticizing her, that would be helpful. There are a few things I can offer that may help nudge her along. A full day to herself or better yet 2 days every month. Not even with you, just alone, doing whatever it is she likes to do. Right now she feels like she's servicing everyone but herself. Let her read this post. I would've liked to have someone to talk to about what I was going through who went through the same thing. I'm here if she'd like that.

Other than that, continue being the patient loving man that you are, tell her she's beautiful, touch her often in ways that don't have to lead to sex, hold her hand. Things will get better.

I hope that helped.

[DN]

nikki19 made some great points and I think you should take note. But be aware that that was her situation and it may not be the same for your wife. While the 'symptoms' may be the same the 'diagnosis' and 'prognosis' may be very different. So it is really important that you have a talk to find out what is wrong. You will note that even in nikki19's case, the situation was not resolved until they talked.

[jake1212]

With all the weighing in on this... I guess it's time I weigh back in too A lot of great advice so far. And even the advice that doesn't seem quite on target, seems genuine nonetheless.

 

Everyone recommends we talk rather than not talk, and I think that does sound correct. 9 times out of 10, it's the lack of shared comprehension and the ensuing assumptions that really throw things off track.

 

Nikki, you're right to observe that I feel like she's somehow repulsed by me... or maybe by the idea of feeling romantic in general... I'm sure she isn't fully aware of how I feel right now, that with every rejection I get further and further away from wanting to try again. Honestly, it's humiliating. And sex after begging for it... that isn't exactly a turn on... it feels seedy, not loving.

 

Also, RayKay's message about her possibly being depressed. I'm sure of it -- at least to some small degree. The part that struck me is that it bothered (probably still will bother) me that she doesn't see that I'm on a constant treadmill, with work sandwhiched between baby care and doing the errands a life together requires.

 

But where I still believe she doesn't fully understand how on the go I constantly feel (she thinks, for instance, I have time for haircuts and long lunches, which I rarely do)... I do see, from RayKay's message, that the constant sameness of taking care of the baby all the time can be a heavy burden. That, coupled with the fact that you don't exactly get to see the immediate fruits of many of your labors. There's more repetition in watching a baby. And no paycheck at the end of the week.

 

Here's something odd, though: I say to her sometimes... why don't you let me watch him while you go out and take a walk, shop for something, even see a matinee by yourself. But then she pouts because she says she wants to do those things with all of us together.

 

She wants the time alone but doesn't want it, if that makes any sense.

 

Anyway, thanks again for all the input. I hope there's more to come. I don't know that the forum would really be able to provide the answer for our solution. For that, I think we'll have to look to each other.

 

Still, if there's one way it's helping, it's that it's diffused my cloud of melancholic resentment, at least a little. When I left work this morning, I barely wanted to talk to her. Now I'm a little less stressed.

 

Thanks again.

[RayKay]

Hi jake, thanks for posting again. I would definitely maybe consider therapy in this situation, I think a lot of it is adjusting to a new family unit, and new ways of relating. The important thing though is that as parents, you must also take care of your marriage as a priority, and that means intimacy and so on, as you are aware.

 

It is possible she does not have clarity into how hard you are working as well...sometimes when we get stressed or depressed, it is hard to see how others are in the same boat as we are, or have the same issues to deal with. We can get very self-centered in that aspect. She probably realizes you do a lot, but she might be playing on a this-for-that kind of system, where even with your work with the baby, she still feels she has racked up more "points". Not saying this is the "reality" as you do do a lot of work, but it may be her thinking.

 

And, she may also be feeling very emotionally disconnected. You say she does not know what she wants (wants to be alone, does not) and she really might NOT know, she just feels something bothering her, but not what. Depression is odd that way, as is hormonal imbalances!

[felicia]

But our sex life is practically non-existent. I know some who are reading this will jump on that detail about the child and say that's the cause. But frankly, our sex life was dwindling even before she got pregnant.

 

 

This seems to be a problem in so many marriages these days and i think it's aweful. when a woman gets married she is the only woman that man can sleep with for the rest of his life and if she denies him, where can he go?

 

it may be different for me because i'm in a traditional relationship, my Husband is the head of the house and i would never deny him anything, besides, i love having sex with him!

 

i think you need to sit her down and have a word with her because if it doen't get sorted out things will only get worse and you might become distant.

 

 

 

 

I'm afraid that once I bring it up, she's going to think it's just about me want to get sex.

 

 

and so what if it is? when you married your wife you commited to each other fully which means not withholding yourselves from each other at all.

 

 

Sex is part of a marriage. It's not there because one person or the other (the man, usually) needs to 'get off.' It's there because sex is what makes and builds those bonds between too people.

 

it isn't?

 

seriously though, your right, it builds bonds and closeness, it should part of a marriage not something that's avoided like the plauge.

 

 

 

goodluck

 

 

 

 

felicia