Serious Advice Needed

[Jack3]

So my boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years. I met him when I was on my summer break between my Freshman and Sophomore years of college. I ended up coming home from college and finishing my degree online so that I could be with him. So I've sacrificed a bit for this relationship. In the beginning, like most couples, things started out great. He was exciting, and we were both in love. I thought about him constantly, and I would never dream of being with anyone else.

 

He's always had temper problems, however, he doesn't quite understand that when he speaks to me a certain way, it really affects the way I feel about not only myself, but our relationship. I'll give you guys an example. The most recent one that I have. The other day, I had misplaced my keys and needed to use his spare so that I could get back to work. I took his Key Fob and went to work. I returned the fob to him the next day, and today he was looking for it. He messaged me while I was at work and asked "where is the f****** Fob at?" I told him that it was in the house somewhere, and to look in a couple different spots. I asked him where he was going, and whether I could help him by picking something up on my way home for lunch. He stated something like "No stupid, I told you I had F****** things to do, you stupid idiot". I let that roll off me, as I am quite used to these types of insults now. I just let him know that I would help him when I got home. He then stated "no, F*** you. I don't need your help". Something like that.

 

So now to my question/need for advice. I have told him in the past that when he says things like that it really hurts me. It really does, although as I stated I've gotten used to it... Anyway, he just says that if I really believe that he says those things and means them, then we shouldn't be together, because he's told me time and time again that he does NOT mean the awful things he says (by the way, his average insult/day ratio is probably at least 5/day of calling me stupid, , idiot, etc.).

 

So what do I do? Keep living this way, and let him speak to me knowing in my heart that he doesn't mean it? Or should I break up with him?

 

I really don't want to break up. I've invested SO much time and energy into this relationship. Not to mention, we have both moved away from our families together and have created this life up here with multiple pets. I have no friends, and I would be completely alone trying to figure out what in the hell to do with myself for the first time in almost 7 years.. It scares me so much to be single, and I just don't know if I could EVER find the strength to say goodbye to him.

 

I don't want to make it seem like I'm some sort of saint in this relationship. I've done my share of hurtful things, however, I've repented for them countlessly, and have mended my ways for good. I will NEVER make the mistakes that I have in the past EVER again with anyone. I have learned a lot in this relationship. He has trust issues, which is fair enough, and sometimes I get the feeling that, because of the BS I caused, and the BS he's gone through in his past, he will never fully trust me, but I do still want to try...

 

Any advice is really, truly helpful. Thank you all in advance.

[j.man]

The reasons you've outined for staying with him:

 

1. Time / effort invested

2. No friends

3. Scared to be single

 

I cringe at the thought of even one of those making it to any list I could draw up for my own relationship, much less all of them coming together to make up the extent of it.

 

Now I don't know what "your share of hurtful things" entails, so far be it from me to assume there might not have been a mutual precedent previously set, but at the end of the day, toxic is toxic. I'd end this before you catch yourself wasting even more years. Treat it as a catalyst to move on and actually get your own life going. This is no way to live.

[Jack3]

I appreciate the advice.

 

It's sort of funny (Ironic) because I find myself giving others advice, right? and it's so easy to tell people to get out of a bad relationship, but when I find myself in one... it's impossible.

 

I'm also not afraid to point out my flaws here they are:

when we first started going out, he found my Facebook page open on his phone (I was showing him a pic or something). He went through my profile, private messages, etc. and found things from before him that he didn't like. That was one thing. I didn't tell him about my "past" and he found out about it. Embarrassing things like the fact that I had internet-relations with strangers, etc. I'm not proud of it, but it's my past and I can't change that.

 

Another thing was that I had gone to a part the same summer he and I met. I got really drunk and ended up making out with a gay guy and my best female friend. I hid that from him for a long time. When it finally came out, he was explosively upset about it

 

Another thing was that I had a friendly relationship with a co worker. I started messaging him on the DL, and deleting the messages because I knew how he would react--even if it WAS just friendly. He found out somehow and again exploded.

 

I understand that my share of secrecy has added to his lack of trust, I will admit to that fully. But he's also taken me back after each of these incidences. The last time I screwed up was when he was away for a week. I ended up looking at porn for myself and he found it and went ballistic on me. Instead of seeking him out to take care of my urges, I went on the internet.

 

Since then, I've not made any more mistakes. I've really tried to make things better.

 

I appreciate your advice. Thank you very much!

[Honeycomb8]

Is there a reason you haven't tried to maintain or make friends in the last few years?

Noone should make another person the center of their lives and their sole purpose for life, nor should a relationship involve so much codependency and negativity.

 

I'd break up if I were you.

[Jack3]

I've honestly never been a big go-getter type. I don't make friends easily. I've made some friends at work, but I don't hang out with anyone outside of work. I think lately I just haven't felt that I can make friends... like I'm not worth anyone's time. When I say that, I don't believe it.. so maybe it's that I just see everyone and they all have friends already, and it's just hard for me to start relationships. I don't know, now I feel like I'm making excuses. It's definitely not that he is keeping me from making friendships. He even encourages me to go out with my girlfriends from work. I just don't feel compelled to. I would rather stay home with him, watch tv and chill with our dogs.

 

I really do crave attention that is positive, though, even if I don't seek it out. I want to be validated by someone. I want to feel like someone takes an interest in what I have to say, what I feel, and what I think. And to respect those thoughts, no matter how silly, wrong, or what have you.

 

Not to mention, I've developed a slight drug problem since I've been with him... now that I AM ashamed of. You're absolutely right, he has become the center of my world, and if he's not happy I literally can NOT focus on anything else.

[indea08]

I really do crave attention that is positive, though, even if I don't seek it out. I want to be validated by someone. I want to feel like someone takes an interest in what I have to say, what I feel, and what I think. And to respect those thoughts, no matter how silly, wrong, or what have you.

 

Okay, read that quote to yourself. YOU HAVE A MAN THAT YOUVE BEEN WITH FOR SIX YEARS, and you still don't have those things!? I'm sorry but that really just makes me feel awful for you. I think to myself "thank God I'm not in that relationship." You've become THAT girl.

 

On top of that, he's verbally abusive. Never would I (or anyone who had any self esteem) allow someone to say "f*** you", or call me an idiot. Not my enemies and certainly not my boyfriend. That's not okay if it happens once a year. You let it happen 5+ times a day!

 

Add in the fact that your "mistakes" are not mistakes at all. He's just made you feel like they are. Your personal life before you became his girlfriend is NONE of his business and he has no right to be angry at you for something that happened in the past. He also has no right to be angry at you for not telling him about your past, again, none of his d*mn business. Making out with a gay guy and another girl, not exactly the classiest act ever but hey, we've all been there...you did not have to tell him if you didn't want to. He shouldn't have been going through your Facebook stuff (controlling much??) and had no business bringing that up to you. As far as texting some guy from work, yeah you shouldn't have hidden that from him, however it's sad that you feel like you have to (again, your boyfriend is controlling).

 

Regardless of how "wonderful" things are and how much you love him, I'm sorry but he's an a**hole. No woman with any self respect would tolerate him. It's obvious you want better for yourself, or you wouldn't be here.

 

So, do you know your worth? Or will you settle for this controlling d*ckhead because he's familiar?

[catfeeder]

You've shut your whole life down to live it around someone who speaks like this. What can we say to help you?

 

I'd consider contacting one of the domestic violence hotlines on the Internet for a referral to someone local who can help you make a plan to expand your scope and walk away from this guy. You don't need to be 'hit' to be abused, and the isolation is a large part of what keeps you drilling a deeper hole to climb out of.

[Pleasedonot5]

Jman is right. And your "mistakes" in the relationship are nbd. Honestly, as a guy, I would accept your past as the past, understand that you'll have friends, and not control your ability to watch whatever you want to watch to satisfy your needs. His behavior of freaking out over nothing is outright controlling and manipulative.

 

Also, you say you're scared of being on your own. That fear will manifest itself in the first few weeks after the relationship is over, and then will be replaced with hope and relief that, hey, you're actually pretty great and can make some friends if you put effort into it.

 

I cannot - absolutely cannot - accept someone talking that way to their partner. I hope you make the right decision and leave.