Confused

[SHYGIRL2017]

Hi

 

I'm not really sure where to start but I just feel totally lost right now.

 

I have been with my partner for nearly 2 years now (9 years my senior with kids) We met just under a year after my dad passed. To begin with everything was great (although he did come on a bit strong ie saying I love you before we even met, we met online) I do get on great with the kids and I do love them to bits but things just feel off/not quite right with me. We went through a spell of arguing a lot when my partner lost his job (I jumped in and helped with everything) But it did stress me out as this was the first time ever I had moved out ( but when I look back I wasn't really as exited as I should have been ) When things are great they are great but when they are bad they are bad. I even walked out for a week at one point. I just had enough. He has always always made me feel like he wants me all to himself and because of that I felt guilty for going out with friends and family etc. He says its all in my head but I know its not.

 

This caused so many arguments. I felt so guilty that yeah I lied (1 time) I said my friend asked me to go for lunch instead of me asking her, wrong I know but I just found it so difficult to say that I wanted to spend time with anyone else . He found out because he checked my phone and ever since has accused me of constantly lying and checks my phone all the time. Yes my fault for doing it in the first place but omg it feels so demeaning and makes me feel 2 inches tall. Things just got worse and worse because I felt guilty for wanting to go out but also because I was leaving my mum alone without my dad. He even accused me of liking someone in work because I was helping him on my lunch instead of talking to him via txt. Also if I am online on whatsapp and reply to someone else first this makes him feel unloved???? I am only talking to him because I am replying to someone else ie mum or my friend. We have had countless sit down and "talks" but I never feel anything is resolved. I just say sorry for peace. He will keep going and going until I admit I am wrong. Things were ok but he still asks who am I talking to if I am online but just because "he's nosy" not because he is checking up on me. His mood can go from amazing to depressed in hours. So much more has went on but I don't have time to write it all but I am just so tired of trying to be happy..... surely it shouldn't be difficult??? I don't know I could ever hurt him or the boys but I know I am not happy. I just don't know what to do. Help.

[DanZee]

No, a relationship should not be this difficult. This is the typical cycle of emotional abuse. He uses the accusations to beat you down, to try to kill your spirit and separate you from all your friends and acquaintances. He's made you feel guilty just to talk to someone or do something you want to do, and demeaning you keeps you in line. Being nice to you some of the time is part of the reward-punishment conditioning he's doing to you. It gives you hope that he will change if you just adhere to his rules, but he's not going to change. He will find fault with any little thing you do and make stuff up when he can't. If you want to learn more about it, just Google "emotional abuse." You will see he fits the profile perfectly.

 

You have to decide you're not going to take this anymore and move out. And when you move out, don't take any calls from him and go somewhere he can't get to you or you will be tempted to go back with his sweet talk and him begging forgiveness. If you don't move out, this will be your life for now on. You will be reduced to a zombie, a robot.

 

You deserve to be happy. But you will never be happy in this situation. You have to recognize that you're being abused and you have to get out.

[SHYGIRL2017]

Hi DanZee

 

Thank you so much for replying to me. Some people have said this but I just talk myself out of it. I just end up really confused and doubt what I am thinking.

 

Its just crazy, he says he has no issue with me going out but every time I do (which is not a lot) we argue. He states that this is because its not in a fair ratio to times we go out alone but we always have his kids etc so it is difficult and we have had a couple of holidays (weekends away)

 

He complains if I am talking to other ppl more than him then moans if I don't talk as much aaarrrhhhh

 

I am just so frightened to speak now, always on edge. He thinks I think everything is about me but when he is in a mood it is always me that gets it

 

I just don't seem to have the braveness to get up and go and I hate myself for it because he isn't a bad guy, honest. He is an amazing dad etc and I do feel he loves me (sometimes a bit too much that its smothering) I do try and tell him how I feel but I always get "this is not constructive" or that's not relevant to what we are talking about but it is to me .... should it not be to him ??

[rosephase]

Yeah he is super controlling and is gas lighting the f*ck out of you.

 

That feeling that you are crazy? That feeling of constant confusion and weariness? That's what happens when someone is gas lighting you.

 

You tell him: I'm feeling controlled.

He says to you: It's all in your head.

 

Then he keeps controlling you. It isn't normal to feel like you have to lie to see a friend for lunch. It isn't normal for him to be going through your phone to check if you are lying. It isn't normal to hold something as minor as who invited who to lunch over your head like an emotional affair.

 

If you tell your partner: I'm feeling controlled.

There reaction should be (even if they don't think they are being controlling): Well f*ck, I don't want you to feel that way. What can we do so you feel more comfortable?

 

He is controlling your friendships. Your communication with your mother. Your free time AND your time at work. Your reaction of feeling crazy and feeling scared is normal. He's being emotionally abusive and calling you crazy when you express how much this is hurting you.

 

You say you don't feel like you have the strength to walk away. Maybe you should start looking for it. A therapist might help.

[DanZee]

Well, I wasn't kidding about you having to get out of that situation. I don't think he really loves you, I think it's about having power over you. He can control you. Do you remember Patty Hearst and hearing about Stockholm Syndrome? That's where a captive starts to love their captor? You're in a similar situation. It's a form of brainwashing where even when there's an opportunity to escape, the captive doesn't. I think you would be better off alone than with him.

 

If you won't leave then you have a chance to at least draw a stalemate. You need to start standing up for yourself. Don't engage him in an argument. It will take an extreme amount of willpower to do this, but you have to put yourself in the mindset of a psychologist or psychiatrist by asking probing questions. For example, when he accuses you of cheating, you ask back, why do you think I'm cheating? When do I have time to cheat? Haven't I proven to you that I love you? Are you cheating on me? This will confuse him. But you have to keep it up and not take the bait. Do not argue with him. Do not engage him. You have to stand your ground.

 

To tell you the truth, I don't think I would be able to keep this up. After all, psychologists and psychiatrists go to school to learn this. And they only have to deal with patients an hour at a time.

 

In other situations when you decide to go out and he tries to guilt trip you, you have to say to him firmly that you're going out with so-and-so and that he's not going to make you feel bad about it. That you have a life too and you're not going to waste it. Tell him you'll tell him everything about it when you get home, but that you're going out. If he tries to make you feel bad when you get back, you tell him you needed some alone time. That you give him his alone time. Don't you deserve some alone time too?

 

If there's any chance of changing him, this is the only way to do it. And like I said, it's extremely difficult.

 

You might get some more tips if you can find a group session for abused women or a one-on-one counselor. Remember that the problem is not with you, it's with him. Admit to yourself that you're an abused woman and that you're looking for ways to handle him.

 

But I've got to say it would be easier to leave and find someone who isn't abusive, but that's your decision.

[SHYGIRL2017]

Thanks guys. You have no idea how much I appreciate any feed back and advice. Its such a crazy situation, I know. I also l know I can leave if I wish. I know I have a home to go to at mums etc but I just cant seem to find any strength/courage to do so. When my dad was here I had security, my dad made me feel that no matter what happened I would always be ok. That security is gone I also have psoriasis which doesn't help my self confidence.

 

Its mad, sometimes I have the brain cells that tell me he is manipulating me etc (god know how many blogs I have read and quizzes I have done , is my partner controlling, abusive, manipulative) All the answers I would give point to yes but when I sit and talk to him I always end up feeling that it is my fault. He always says I cant sit and talk about things without arguing (I don't raise my voice but because I don't agree with what he thinks I should say or do I feel he just flips it on me) Its how I Perceive and do things. Don't get me wrong these days I do maybe snap but its because I am just expecting the worst to happen now. Again that's my fault for thinking like that....!!!!!

 

We had words last night and at one point he said I was being "moany" or complaining and I said can you please tell me what I said as I want to understand what I am doing and he wouldn't. He just kept saying its irrelevant to the convo etc. Everything I say or do is irrelevant, surely if its relevant to me it should be relevant to him an visa versa??? He say I don't have the ability to look at myself and see what Im like but my god I do all the time. I try so hard to understand why he is going so mad about things. I have asked guys in work perspectives encase I am missing stuff but they agree with me. I have an amazing relationship with the guys in work, they treat me like a little sister (obviously he doesn't like that either) He says things like he just wants to be loved like the way he loves me but he is totally different from me. He loves to show it so much more. He just wants to feel loved but I cant pretend when I feel broken deep inside.

 

He is just so clever with what he says, he says I want you to spend time with your mum but my life is over there now. He thinks her coming to our house is quality time but to me its not. He doesn't spend time with his family like I do, he isn't as close and has a hellish relationship with his mum before she passed so he just doesn't get it. He thinks I am choosing.

 

Before we met I had savings but their gone now, i am living month to month and I cant stand it. I have nothing to show for it. I understand life isn't easy but things just don't seem to be getting better.

 

I booked a weekend away because we had to cancel a holiday due to him not working, we went and had an amazing time. Yeah we are struggling right now but he says things like " well you will go and book weekend away" NOT ONCE DID HE STOP ME AND SAY NO THIS ISNT A GOOD IDEA!!!!! I just cant seem to win.

 

I feel so weak and to be honest i'm not normally. I am normally a bubbly person. I normally have a smile on my face. I am just fed up of "trying to be happy"