Male sex drive

[Poodlelover]

Hey guys!

 

Questions about male sex drive. My boyfriend is late 20s and I'm mid 20s. We've been together 3 years, lived together for 2 of those.

 

He says I'm not adventurous enough and that's why he doesn't seem passionate in bed. We haven't had any makout sessions in months. I really miss it. I'm pretty inexperienced and was quite inncocent when I met him. He's the first guy I ever slept with or did anything other than kiss. I've struggled with initiating but I've gotten better at it.

 

He says he wants to have sex in other places but the bedroom. We tried that a few times but I just can't get warmed up enough for it to be good and once the condom broke because of that. He also says he wants spontaneity but I explained that surprise sex outside of the bedroom doesn't seem to be in the cards for me right now. I'm sure we can get there as I've definitely been turned on enough in the past to have fun outside of the bedroom but I don't want to make him think that it will work and then not be ready enough.

 

I know for me, like everything it's just a matter of taking steps in the right direction and then I will be comfortable. But it feels like he's just expecting me to do everything and figure it out myself. I feel like making out outside of the bedroom would help a lot, which I told him but then he said that takes the spontaneous nature out of it if I'm asking him if that can be all that's expected. He said making out feels forced to him if he's not feeling passionate. Which I completely understand.

 

He said he can't see himself with anyone but me. Marriage is definitely on the horizon, it has been discussed. Everything else about our relationship is so perfect. But this is so frustrating.

[indea08]

Your boyfriend is either 1.) not as experienced as he thinks he is, or 2.) a very selfish lover.

 

Women don't operate the same way men do. We need foreplay, we need the emotional connection. Him being angry with you for not spontaneously jumping on top of him would be the same as you being angry with him for not plowing you when his d*ck isn't even hard yet. Not logical.

 

Explain to him that foreplay is what gets you in the mood, makes you feel passionate and "ready". Without it, you'll be dry, it won't feel good, etc. If he can't understand that, then he's definitely #2 (selfish lover), and that's a whole new can of worms.

[Peter1223344]

GUYS LOVE SEX!

This is a given! I know because I am a guy! Sex is very important for us in a relationship!

Sometimes guys can get too comfortable in a relationship. You do need to do 2 things:

1.) Speak to him about how foreplay is what gets you in the mood and that it is important he understands this is vital for girls (and not so vital for guys)

2.) Do something very spontaneous and out of the blue, dress up without him realising and try to be dominant, watch videos read books... Who knows you might enjoy it?

[thealchemist]

First of all, as a 30 year old I know of a lot more woman who want more sex from their husbands than husbands wanting more from wives. So I don't think it is quite as imbalanced of libido as people like to think.

 

My wife had quite a low libido when we got together and I have a extremely high one. I was dead set on being with her so I took it as my personal job to try to get her to my level.

 

It sounds like your boyfriend doesn't understand jack sh*t about getting a woman into the mood.

 

Making out and foreplay is a big part of it but it sets way before that. He sounds very selfish too.

 

I try to actively keep my wife aroused any day I want to have sex, which happens to be about everyday.

 

I try to do "light" foreplay stuff throughout the day. Whether it is making a regular hug or kiss be a bit more sensual or just tactfully letting her know I am really into her verbally or texting.

 

Also just making sure I spend enough time with her so she feels close enough to me that it is a non issue. A lot of times we spend half the time we have sex with our clothes on simply having fun before we get too physical.

 

This is not your issue, it is his.

 

He needs to learn how to make love and stop just having sex...

[Poodlelover]

I love your response! This is so true. Forplay with him just using his hands used to be enough to get me ready(and it still is sometimes) and he never neglects that. But that's literally all he does. No kissing no nothing else. All he does is use his hands as foreplay. He's been soooo much better at foreplay in the past when I can really tell he wants me.

 

 

 

 

Your boyfriend is either 1.) not as experienced as he thinks he is, or 2.) a very selfish lover.

 

Women don't operate the same way men do. We need foreplay, we need the emotional connection. Him being angry with you for not spontaneously jumping on top of him would be the same as you being angry with him for not plowing you when his d*ck isn't even hard yet. Not logical.

 

Explain to him that foreplay is what gets you in the mood, makes you feel passionate and "ready". Without it, you'll be dry, it won't feel good, etc. If he can't understand that, then he's definitely #2 (selfish lover), and that's a whole new can of worms.

[reinventmyself]

Your guy is pretty clueless, not to mention selfish.

Asking to make out or foreplay is a minimal request and in turn he could be rewarded with exactly what he's asking for.

But he denies you that?

It makes absolutely no sense.

It sounds as if you are set up to fail.

[Poodlelover]

Your comment is exactly what I've been thinking. There is not much romance at all. He's never really been very romantic lol. "He needs to learn how to make love and stop just having sex" is so on point! I just don't know how to explain it to him because he thinks I need to do things different.

 

 

First of all, as a 30 year old I know of a lot more woman who want more sex from their husbands than husbands wanting more from wives. So I don't think it is quite as imbalanced of libido as people like to think.

 

My wife had quite a low libido when we got together and I have a extremely high one. I was dead set on being with her so I took it as my personal job to try to get her to my level.

 

It sounds like your boyfriend doesn't understand jack sh*t about getting a woman into the mood.

 

Making out and foreplay is a big part of it but it sets way before that. He sounds very selfish too.

 

I try to actively keep my wife aroused any day I want to have sex, which happens to be about everyday.

 

I try to do "light" foreplay stuff throughout the day. Whether it is making a regular hug or kiss be a bit more sensual or just tactfully letting her know I am really into her verbally or texting.

 

Also just making sure I spend enough time with her so she feels close enough to me that it is a non issue. A lot of times we spend half the time we have sex with our clothes on simply having fun before we get too physical.

 

This is not your issue, it is his.

 

He needs to learn how to make love and stop just having sex...

[Poodlelover]

Ya I'm not sure, I think he may need to hear this from a professional. I'm more than willing to make changes, and I have shown that. I refused to give blow jobs a long time ago because it scared the crap out of me. But I did it and now I am over it. He knows that was a huge deal as I have slightly germaphobic tendencys lol

 

 

 

Your guy is pretty clueless, not to mention selfish.

Asking to make out or foreplay is a minimal request and in turn he could be rewarded with exactly what he's asking for.

But he denies you that?

It makes absolutely no sense.

It sounds as if you are set up to fail.

[thealchemist]

I should just teach classes. It took me over a decade of experience in a very openly communicating relationship to get where I am now.

 

I am very verbal and it would take a book for me to type out everything.

 

If I were you I would try to be very blatant and tell him what it is going to take on his part for him to get what he wants.

[reinventmyself]

Your comment is exactly what I've been thinking. There is not much romance at all. He's never really been very romantic lol. "He needs to learn how to make love and stop just having sex" is so on point! I just don't know how to explain it to him because he thinks I need to do things different.

 

There is an old saying - Men make love with their bodies, women make love with their minds.

If he can't appeal to you on your level (and vice versa) what he's asking for isn't likely to happen.

 

Most mature men know this. Most boys do not.

 

Sounds like you both could teach each other something valuable.

[dias]

 

Women don't operate the same way men do. We need foreplay, we need the emotional connection..

 

Only women enjoy foreplay you think?

Probably OP's boyfriend is not a very sexual person.

[reinventmyself]

deleted.. . . .

[Poodlelover]

He really doesn't seem to think he needs to do anything differently. He said he thinks he's tried everything. He never verbalises how he feels about me(now to be fair nor do I, but I'm just not sure how to cause he's never expressed anything). The whole forplay starting with words and earlier in the day is exactly what I've been dying to have. I had a bf before him for about 6 months(he turned out to be controlling so I ditched him) who was extremely verbal so lots of flirting etc. He was able to turn me on so fast. It was so much fun. And when he was like that towards me it brought out a different side of me that was awesome. Now I wish I had slept with that guy just for fun lmao never went past kissing with him.

 

 

I should just teach classes. It took me over a decade of experience in a very openly communicating relationship to get where I am now.

 

I am very verbal and it would take a book for me to type out everything.

 

If I were you I would try to be very blatant and tell him what it is going to take on his part for him to get what he wants.

[thealchemist]

It is a common misconception that you need to start foreplay and flirting right before sex.

 

If he thinks he isn't doing anything wrong and is perfect he is a moron. Everyone can improve.

 

If it was me I might back off of sex with him and try to be flirty with him throughout the day and try that stuff. If he doesn't reciprocate then I would just tell him I'm not in the mood. Especially if you are trying all day and he just ignores it then comes over and wants sex.

[Poodlelover]

I got through to him! I told him I'm not just jumping on him because I don't feel like it. I told him that if he wants it to be more exciting etc he needs to help get me in the mood first. Then he was like "ohhh okay" "I can work on that for sure". Finally he understands that if I'm not in the mood I'm not going to be feeling like being spontaneous.

 

 

 

 

 

It is a common misconception that you need to start foreplay and flirting right before sex.

 

If he thinks he isn't doing anything wrong and is perfect he is a moron. Everyone can improve.

 

If it was me I might back off of sex with him and try to be flirty with him throughout the day and try that stuff. If he doesn't reciprocate then I would just tell him I'm not in the mood. Especially if you are trying all day and he just ignores it then comes over and wants sex.

[thealchemist]

I got through to him! I told him I'm not just jumping on him because I don't feel like it. I told him that if he wants it to be more exciting etc he needs to help get me in the mood first. Then he was like "ohhh okay" "I can work on that for sure". Finally he understands that if I'm not in the mood I'm not going to be feeling like being spontaneous.

That is great. I think that getting someone aware of the situation is the largest part of the battle.

 

Now it is just trying to figure what works for you guys.

 

If it is intuitive what you guys should try then you are set. It was not like that for my wife and myself.

 

I just did a lot of online research and tweaked it for me and my wife specifically. There are a lot of guides and tips online for this, some I find crazy, some are perfectly spot on. I am sure it varies depending on the nature of your relationship.

 

Make sure you also participate in working on this with him too. Even giving him ideas or telling him your preferences in things helps a lot. Because I was honestly quiet lost at what to do, at first. I bet a lot of guys might also be too.

 

Good luck.

[lostandhurt]

Communication! Who would of thought talking about a problem and expressing how we feel about what is going on would help? I am being sarcastic of course.

 

Talking about these things is tough but once you start the dialog it becomes easier and easier and the sex becomes better and better.

 

Think of it this way. He wants more adventurous sex and for that to happen you need certain things from him right? He would be crazy not to listen to every single word you say and more importantly the way you react.

 

He needs to stop thinking porn is real and treat you like the beautiful sexy woman you are.

 

Good luck and best wishes

 

Lost

[Poodlelover]

What kind of research do you mean? Just different ideas on how to turn on the romance etc?

 

Oh yes, I have lots of ideas to offer up to him. He definitly does know a lot of my preferences luckily. He just seems like he's been complacent about it all.

 

I'm so glad I asked for advice here as I was not even fully sure of what I was trying to tell him I needed lol you guys nailed it on the head and then I was able to explain it to him better! Woo!

 

 

That is great. I think that getting someone aware of the situation is the largest part of the battle.

 

Now it is just trying to figure what works for you guys.

 

If it is intuitive what you guys should try then you are set. It was not like that for my wife and myself.

 

I just did a lot of online research and tweaked it for me and my wife specifically. There are a lot of guides and tips online for this, some I find crazy, some are perfectly spot on. I am sure it varies depending on the nature of your relationship.

 

Make sure you also participate in working on this with him too. Even giving him ideas or telling him your preferences in things helps a lot. Because I was honestly quiet lost at what to do, at first. I bet a lot of guys might also be too.

 

Good luck.

[Poodlelover]

Haha! Right?! lifes so much better when everyone can communicate!

 

Yes I really do find it reallt hard to talk about this kind of stuff with him. It makes me sooo awkward. Lol

 

Exactly! He's definitly never been the romancy(lmao here I go making up words) type. Only has gotten flowers for me three times in the 3 years we've been together. Plus not expressing his feelings in words much etc. He's a sensitive kind soul, my horse loves him(who's a picky animal when it comes to the humans he likes) all animals seem gravitate to him, including women lmao

 

 

 

Communication! Who would of thought talking about a problem and expressing how we feel about what is going on would help? I am being sarcastic of course.

 

Talking about these things is tough but once you start the dialog it becomes easier and easier and the sex becomes better and better.

 

Think of it this way. He wants more adventurous sex and for that to happen you need certain things from him right? He would be crazy not to listen to every single word you say and more importantly the way you react.

 

He needs to stop thinking porn is real and treat you like the beautiful sexy woman you are.

 

Good luck and best wishes

 

Lost

[cherubrock]

I hope that he's started to make out with you...

[Poodlelover]

He has yet to make that move in particular but we've only had one chance to play since I made him aware. The shifts we work can be kinda opposite sometimes.

 

I hope that he's started to make out with you...