I slept with someone else whilst split from boyfriend

[Icedgem1234]

Hi all,

I've basically been in an on/off relationship for 3 years. We both love each other madly but we can't seem to stay in a solid relationship although we're amazing and supportive friends too. We've split twice, the first time was because I ended it as I had a mental breakdown (work related), the second time was because of him.....he said he felt scared we would go wrong again so he basically ran! Anyway this last split was 5 months ago and I just accepted it (yep it hurt like hell) and I forced myself to move on. 6 weeks after we split I started dating a lovely guy and although I didn't feel ready for a relationship, I enjoyed the dates and it helped my confidence. After a month we slept together and it just felt so wrong (I think he felt the same, as he'd been single since his divorce) and we both decided it wouldn't work. During this time my ex would send the odd text asking if I was ok but it was only small talk/politeness, nothing flirty.

Anyway....to cut a long story short, I am now getting close to my ex again. We've been on dates and fooled around a bit. I've told him I'm not wanting a relationship with anyone for a long time but haven't mentioned why. My question is.....if we do decide to try again in the future, do I need to mention my fling? I used protection and even got tested afterwards because I'm paranoid and super safe. My ex hasn't asked any questions and I would never ask him either. All we've ever disclosed is that we're sensible adults who don't put ourselves at risk etc. Part of me wants to tell him, probably because I can now see that I was hurting and vulnerable and desperately trying to move on (yep it never works!), But I'm worried that my honesty could end us for good.

A little more info.....when we split the first time for 6 months he saw someone casually for a couple of months. I accepted this because he said it meant nothing and was completely over before we tried again, and that he was just hurting. Now I'm in the same situation but I'm not really wanting to mention it as I actually feel a bit ashamed for jumping into bed with someone a bit hastily.

Yes myself and my ex have had a rocky road, but we do genuinely love each other and we both accept each others flaws.

Any advice would be much appreciated, thank you

[SweetGirl28]

There's a fine line here.

 

I wouldn't tell unless asked.

Don't lie about it if he asks, because if he finds out, all trust will be broken.

[Keyman]

So, you dated some guy when you were broken up and are worried that your ex might see this as an issue for a possible rekindling in the future?

 

So, you were broken up. You did not know there was going to be a rekindling. What are you supposed to do, lie around unmoving for 5 years in case he decides to come back?

 

On and off relationships usually never end up going the course, so finding yourself going back to the safety of this person doesn't mean it won't happen again. This is the nature of these relationships.

[Icedgem1234]

Thank you for your replies. I agree it's my business and it was his choice to end the relationship. We may never reconcile anyway but I guess it's just playing on my mind a bit because I'm a very honest person.

[caro33]

You sound like you were safe and sensible - don't be hard on yourself.

 

I 100% agree with the points made above. See how you go, and don't offer up the story, but don't lie. You have nothing to be ashamed of but no need to poke the bear on this...

[thealchemist]

If it was the day after the split I might say something. It sounds like you were totally in the clear with everything though. You waited a lot longer than many people i read about here.

 

It isn't his business. Although if he asked I would either say it isn't your business or yes. Not a lie though.

[emadacuz]

Been there, and as a man it is kind of difficult to accept.

I split up with my GF of 3 years, and we got back together after a 6 months hiatus. When we met again the first time, we both asked if we had any kind of relationship/sex while apart. When she told me she had drunk sex with a good friend of hers, I felt like someone had violated me, had stolen my property. I felt like for a month, I did not even want to touch her. Then, out of the blue, the horrible feeling disappeared.

 

So, if he loves you, he will get over it. If he doesn't love you, then you can forget about him. And tell him the truth, if asked. He will otherwise find it out anyway from what happens the first time you sleep together again. It will feel very different.