Did I lose my chance?

[thebeardguy]

Ok, long story short. Wife of 7 years (been together 10) has an emotional affair, blames it mostly on my ignoring her (I had issues with a mental illness for a couple years), we tried working on it, two months later she get's caught sending nudes to a guy on facebook. Wanted to get caught to make me angry and "shock me" into being afraid to lose her. That was a month and a half ago. I'm living in a motel and looking for my own place while we go through the counseling (an agreement we had should the marriage ever start to fail) and am filing for divorce in a few weeks. We do consider ourselves separated.

 

I was honestly not sad about the whole situation. I had been unhappy for several years and realized that now was my time to exit. I care about her in so much as she's a person who has no idea how to take care of herself and her mom is battling cancer. I've been there and know it's hard. However, I was done with the emotional affair, the pics just kind of sealed the deal (there's more there than just these two incidents, but it's basically years if incompatibility and mistreatment on both our parts). About a week after the split, I find out a girl that I had a crush on (but never pursued....we all have crushes from time to time, I get it's a thing, but I didn't pursue it and tried to ignore it) had a thing for me for awhile. She was two months out of a relationship. So, I decide to ask her out (despite the fact that she is 10 years younger than me almost, and has a daughter, while I have no kids). But I made it clear it wasn't a relationship thing. I liked her and just wanted to hang out, see a movie, start a real friendship with her and see where it takes us in the future.

 

So we have a date planned, she keeps telling me she's excited, etc etc. Then, she no shows. Tells me later that she couldn't find a sitter and also was having some second guesses, saying she was worried because we worked on the same team and stuff that there would be issues, on top of the fact that I'm so recently split from a wife I'm still legally married to. No problem, I get it. I have no issues with that mindset, but keep in mind I wasn't looking to date (but would not be opposed should it get to that point).

 

The next few weeks we're talking every day, off and on from morning to bedtime. We make plans several times to meet up, never happens. She got let go from work (unreleated attendance issue) and was having a hard time with that, as well as being a single mom. Again, COMPLETELY understand.

 

We were supposed to go out this past weekend as part of a big group. Once one member cancelled, the others did as well. I ask her if she still wants to hang out since we have now not seen each other for three weeks. She immediately asks for my address (I just meant go get a coffee or something...) and says she'll be here soon.

 

She never shows up. Later says she's sorry for blowing me off but she just get's nervous and shuts down. Says she did some creeping and saw where I was still "involved" with my wife (because we were going to counseling and stuff) and was worried she was just a rebound. Says she really likes me, but just needs time to think and make sure it's right. I get it, she has a child and doesn't want to make any rash decisions. I tell her that's fine, we can just do what I wanted to do from teh get go, and just be friends and hang out and get to know each other. She said the only issue is she's really into me and would wand more than that. She mentions she wants to just jump in but feels like there's this wall, and she's scared because I have so much going on, so many loose ends.

 

She says I'm talented and smart and cute and charming and caring, and that she's not going anywhere, she just doesn't feel the need to be with someone right now.

 

My problem is, during this time, I kind of sort of fell for her. I do NOT consider her a rebound, as I don't feel I have anything to rebound from. My marriage was over a long time ago, I'm just accepting it and making it official. I just want someone to hang out with that I like and want to get to know better. I understand her child is priority number 1, but it never seemed to be about her. I guess my question is, did I miss out on this? Did she actually lose interest or are we waiting for something amazing? I have no issues waiting, I can wait for a long LOOOONG time. I just want to know that I'm waiting for someone who is actually thinking. I've been out of the game for 10 years, and even before this never really had something like this so I am well out of my league. I am crazy about her, but more than anything, I'd like to just see her, hang out. Did I push too hard? Or do I just need to shut up and continue waiting?

[Seraphim]

If you are positive your marriage is over then why the counseling together? Isn’t that kind of moot? Clear up your loose ends and then pursue the person you want.

[Lily1210]

I agree with seraphim...why are you still under counseling? That's probably why the girl back out...

[DancingFool]

Do you realize that you've now done exactly what your wife did? Get involved in an emotional affair and trying hard for more?

 

Look, you need to get your head screwed on straight - either you are going to counseling and actually working on your marriage or you are totally done and simply need to go forward with the divorce.

 

This lady you got involved with is correct to back off from you. You are not in a place to make a good partner at this time, you ARE married, you come across very much confused, lonely and just grabbing on to whatever is convenient at this time. That's not a basis for a good relationship. So either go back to your marriage, do the counseling and make it work and make it happy OR call it a day, get divorced, fix yourself, get up on your own two feet, be single for a bit and actually figure out who you are, then you might want to try to contact this lady again and see if she is interested in dating you for real. Right now, you are a bit of a mess, which is normal, but equally normal for her not to want to get involved in your mess.

 

Btw, never ever underestimate the damage and strain your mental health issues can cause to your partner and your relationship. It's a case of you aren't the only one suffering from it, so make sure that you are vigilant about staying healthy and keeping tabs on that not only for your own sake, but for the sake of your relationship as well.

[nutbrownhare]

Yes, I'd have backed off if I were the lady you hoped to be seeing. Although you state that it was friendship, nothing more, that's not the way your feelings are coming over on here - and I bet she picked up on that, too.

 

Right now, you need to concentrate on yourself, your marriage/divorce or whatever and get your life sorted out. You're not ready to date right now, and a healthy person is going to realise that, and keep their distance.

[katrina1980]

What stood out for me about this girl, is NOT that she is "scared" to move forward because of your situation, but that she made two dates with you, and then blew you off both times, no showed, flaked.

 

If she was so "scared" or nervous why may the dates in the first place?

 

And then to just no show?

 

Not even so much as a short text cancelling, she just flaked?

 

That is just rude and reflects very poor character and inconsideration for your time.

 

I am not buying this she is "too nervous" BS.

 

Granted it's not wise to get involved with a man not yet divorced, but she knew this going in, made the dates to spend time and then stood you up without even so much as a text prior saying she changed her mind or couldn't make it.

 

Folks, please set higher standards for yourselves!

 

OP, I know you're into her, and probably feeling vulnerable because of your situation, but this chick is rude, inconsiderate and bad news in my opinion for the reasons stated, and I think her "nervous" excuse is BS.

 

Next time when a girl stands you up, no shows, flakes, twice no less, it should be next.

 

If she was so "nervous" she shouldn't have made the dates in the first place. Not just flake, geez.

 

Stop being her "white knight" it's a turn off and she won't respect you.

[thebeardguy]

If you are positive your marriage is over then why the counseling together? Isn’t that kind of moot? Clear up your loose ends and then pursue the person you want.

 

Real quick to this and the other people saying it. I do understand how that's confusing. The counseling was part of an agreement we made when we were married. We are currently using it as a means to remain amicable during the process.

[thebeardguy]

Do you realize that you've now done exactly what your wife did? Get involved in an emotional affair and trying hard for more?

 

Look, you need to get your head screwed on straight - either you are going to counseling and actually working on your marriage or you are totally done and simply need to go forward with the divorce.

 

This lady you got involved with is correct to back off from you. You are not in a place to make a good partner at this time, you ARE married, you come across very much confused, lonely and just grabbing on to whatever is convenient at this time. That's not a basis for a good relationship. So either go back to your marriage, do the counseling and make it work and make it happy OR call it a day, get divorced, fix yourself, get up on your own two feet, be single for a bit and actually figure out who you are, then you might want to try to contact this lady again and see if she is interested in dating you for real. Right now, you are a bit of a mess, which is normal, but equally normal for her not to want to get involved in your mess.

 

Btw, never ever underestimate the damage and strain your mental health issues can cause to your partner and your relationship. It's a case of you aren't the only one suffering from it, so make sure that you are vigilant about staying healthy and keeping tabs on that not only for your own sake, but for the sake of your relationship as well.

 

Yes, I fully understand I've gotten myself in a similar situation. As I explained in another response, the counseling is not too save anything. It's part of an agreement we made and is being used to make things more amicable.

 

Thank you for the insight, however. As I said, it's a whole new world I'm in right now and I didn't quite see it, but what you said does make sense. I thank you for that. And yes, I agree with the mental health thing. We didn't have insurance at the time, but now I have a good job and insurance and am medicated and in therapy.

 

Yes, I'd have backed off if I were the lady you hoped to be seeing. Although you state that it was friendship, nothing more, that's not the way your feelings are coming over on here - and I bet she picked up on that, too.

 

Right now, you need to concentrate on yourself, your marriage/divorce or whatever and get your life sorted out. You're not ready to date right now, and a healthy person is going to realise that, and keep their distance.

 

Thank you! Yes, it did 100% start out with intentions of friendship, and I do admit it went further than that. But, I'm willing to admit I was in the wrong, back off and focus on me.

 

What stood out for me about this girl, is NOT that she is "scared" to move forward because of your situation, but that she made two dates with you, and then blew you off both times, no showed, flaked.

 

If she was so "scared" or nervous why may the dates in the first place?

 

And then to just no show?

 

Not even so much as a short text cancelling, she just flaked?

 

That is just rude and reflects very poor character and inconsideration for your time.

 

I am not buying this she is "too nervous" BS.

 

Granted it's not wise to get involved with a man not yet divorced, but she knew this going in, made the dates to spend time and then stood you up without even so much as a text prior saying she changed her mind or couldn't make it.

 

Folks, please set higher standards for yourselves!

 

OP, I know you're into her, and probably feeling vulnerable because of your situation, but this chick is rude, inconsiderate and bad news in my opinion for the reasons stated, and I think her "nervous" excuse is BS.

 

Next time when a girl stands you up, no shows, flakes, twice no less, it should be next.

 

If she was so "nervous" she shouldn't have made the dates in the first place. Not just flake, geez.

 

Stop being her "white knight" it's a turn off and she won't respect you.

 

Thank you, and you're not the first person to say this.