Day 1 of moving on

[Maddie91x]

Hey ENA, if you want to know about my story and why I am here please read my other threads. This thread however is going to be something completely new to me. I guess right now I am sort of looking at this as a journal entry to share with you guys how I am feeling.

 

So I am around 7 weeks post break up from a 3 year relationship, and on day 4 of the 4th no contact period since the breakup (initiated by me). First NC period lasted 4 days, I broke it. Second NC period lasted 8 days, she broke it. Third NC period lasted 3 days, I broke it, then after that break I went straight into this fourth NC period. She did not ask for this NC, I went to see her and we talked on her doorstep for over an hour, she made me promise to let her know when I got home safely, I did, she told me she was heading to bed because she had to be up early, I replied saying to sleep well. I haven't contacted her since, and haven't heard from her. And to be honest, I'm not expecting to. At the moment the way I see future contact prospects is "It will be really nice if she wishes me a happy christmas".

 

To explain it very briefly, she said that right now she just doesn't know what to say to me, she doesn't know what she wants, she doesn't know if we will have a future etc etc etc...

 

So yesterday I had a sort of epiphany moment... I don't want her back right now. Don't get me wrong, I want a future sharing our lives together with every inch of my existence, but right now? She doesn't want me. And the last thing in the world I want is to be with someone who doesn't want me, or to have to try to convince someone to be with me. Because I want to be with her every second of every day, I love her and every piece of her. So I want her to want me more than life itself, the way she did for almost 3 years of us being together. I have accepted that that may never happen, and you know what, if it doesn't happen? That's ok. I'll be ok. But any less than that is simply not enough for me. Over the last 7 weeks I have become an all or nothing kind of girl. I want her to love me and want me more than anything else in the world, or I don't want her back at all.

 

This girl changed my life, became my world, and I did exactly the same for her. But hey, it's her turn to fight. I have fought with each and every muscle in my body, so now she needs to hold her end of the battle to be back together. Because yes I love her like I've never loved anything before, but love really isn't enough. It's everything else, the little things, the big things, and everything in between. And one of the biggest things in a relationship? It's fighting for each other. Fighting for something that you have always said is THE MOST important thing to you. Because if it's not worth fighting for, it's not worth having.

 

Sorry for the long ramble. I hope this offers some glimmer of hope or strength to just 1 person out there in the world of ENA.

 

Holding on by letting go x

[joker78]

Holding on by letting go... that’s sad, but sometimes it is really required. I do feel too that maybe right now we have to each live our own lives, learn new lessons, and maybe one day in the future we would be ready for each other again.

It is really heartbreaking though.. hang in there my friend, i know iit’s not easy, but we all have each other’s support..

[Maddie91x]

Hi joker78, thankyou for your reply. Don't get me wrong, I feel like it's one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through... But when I have exhausted all my options, and I have no other choice but to let go, I have gradually realised that actually it really is the best thing for me right now. My heart has broken almost irreparably over the last couple of months, so now I need to focus on looking after myself and getting my individuality back. I will repeat my first post, I love her more than anything in the world. But as I said, love is not enough on its own.

 

Keep strong joker, you're right, we all have each other here on ENA, and we have all been here at some point x