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Everything posted by Maddie91x

  1. This is so important to remember, and I see endless posts where this is overlooked and people use 100% no contact and hope that miraculously their ex will come banging down their door.
  2. Honestly? Just say to her pretty much word for word what you've written in this post xxx
  3. Hi joker78, thankyou for your reply. Don't get me wrong, I feel like it's one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through... But when I have exhausted all my options, and I have no other choice but to let go, I have gradually realised that actually it really is the best thing for me right now. My heart has broken almost irreparably over the last couple of months, so now I need to focus on looking after myself and getting my individuality back. I will repeat my first post, I love her more than anything in the world. But as I said, love is not enough on its own. Keep strong joker, you're right, we all have each other here on ENA, and we have all been here at some point x
  4. Hey ENA, if you want to know about my story and why I am here please read my other threads. This thread however is going to be something completely new to me. I guess right now I am sort of looking at this as a journal entry to share with you guys how I am feeling. So I am around 7 weeks post break up from a 3 year relationship, and on day 4 of the 4th no contact period since the breakup (initiated by me). First NC period lasted 4 days, I broke it. Second NC period lasted 8 days, she broke it. Third NC period lasted 3 days, I broke it, then after that break I went straight into this fourth NC period. She did not ask for this NC, I went to see her and we talked on her doorstep for over an hour, she made me promise to let her know when I got home safely, I did, she told me she was heading to bed because she had to be up early, I replied saying to sleep well. I haven't contacted her since, and haven't heard from her. And to be honest, I'm not expecting to. At the moment the way I see future contact prospects is "It will be really nice if she wishes me a happy christmas". To explain it very briefly, she said that right now she just doesn't know what to say to me, she doesn't know what she wants, she doesn't know if we will have a future etc etc etc... So yesterday I had a sort of epiphany moment... I don't want her back right now. Don't get me wrong, I want a future sharing our lives together with every inch of my existence, but right now? She doesn't want me. And the last thing in the world I want is to be with someone who doesn't want me, or to have to try to convince someone to be with me. Because I want to be with her every second of every day, I love her and every piece of her. So I want her to want me more than life itself, the way she did for almost 3 years of us being together. I have accepted that that may never happen, and you know what, if it doesn't happen? That's ok. I'll be ok. But any less than that is simply not enough for me. Over the last 7 weeks I have become an all or nothing kind of girl. I want her to love me and want me more than anything else in the world, or I don't want her back at all. This girl changed my life, became my world, and I did exactly the same for her. But hey, it's her turn to fight. I have fought with each and every muscle in my body, so now she needs to hold her end of the battle to be back together. Because yes I love her like I've never loved anything before, but love really isn't enough. It's everything else, the little things, the big things, and everything in between. And one of the biggest things in a relationship? It's fighting for each other. Fighting for something that you have always said is THE MOST important thing to you. Because if it's not worth fighting for, it's not worth having. Sorry for the long ramble. I hope this offers some glimmer of hope or strength to just 1 person out there in the world of ENA. Holding on by letting go x
  5. Thankyou for your replies. Although she is very much someone who is never friends with ex's. She is either in a relationship or that's it, ex is out her life for good. So in my mind I'm kind of reading it that right now her head is still all over the place so she doesn't want me to assume that we will be back together tomorrow or something, but at the same time she's not finished with the relationship. I don't know though.
  6. After another long phone call tonight where we laughed and joked the same as we did when we first met she sent me this text "Just because we've spoken tonight, doesn't mean everything's ok and stuff. I don't want you to be getting hopes up or whatever. Like I hope we can have a friendship, but for now I need to do my thing and you do yours x" Any interpretations of this message?
  7. She has made it very clear that she does still want to be with me I think it's just like you said - I need to remind her how happy we make each other and how much fun we have. It's funny, we got off the phone around 8.30 because she needs to be up very early for work. Just after posting this she sent me a text saying "Everything will be ok x" I don't know if this is a hint that we will work things out or a simple reassurance that whatever happens "things will be alright". Either way it's nice to know that she is thinking about me even when she s supposed to be sleeping ready for work So I asked her yesterday if I could see her and she said something like "of course I'm not saying that we are never going to see each other again, but at the moment I don't think I can, it would just make me too sad" so how do I go about inviting her on a date without being pushy but at the same time making it clear that this date will not be about going over things/feeling sad?
  8. So I have a massive long post in the breakup forum that explains my situation in detail. Brief version - we were together for 3 years, we had a big argument and broke up August 27th, I did all the wrong things for 2 weeks, then we had around 10 days no contact which she broke. We have had 2 long phone conversations today and yesterday. So here is my question.... I have had a long open honest conversation with my ex about how I'm feeling, explaining that I still know she is the person I want to share my life with and I still love and care about her very much. She has said that she misses me, and she doesn't want to talk about anything I've been doing (little does she know that I can barely leave the house at the moment!) Because it will make her too sad to think about me going about my life without her. She said that she's not really doing too well because she knows she wants to spend her life with me too..... But here's the problem. She is getting very upset saying all she wants is to have that relationship with me but she just wishes we could erase the last month of hurt feelings and me pestering/begging and the initial breakup. She keeps getting upset saying she doesn't know what to do, I think fundamentally she (and I both!) Is scared that if we get back together we will be at risk of all those hurt feelings some time in the future if we were ever to break up again. I have no intention of ever losing her/pushing her away again if I ever was lucky enough to have the chance to get her back, but how do I help her through her feelings of anxiety/hopelessness towards the situation? She has said that the last month and the breakup has made her feel like maybe I was never happy in the first place, and if I loved her that much then we wouldn't have broken up. I have told her that this is completely not the case and I am very much in love with her and she is incredibly important to me, but she said she is struggling to believe that at the moment because she feels as though I pushed her away during the last year of our relationship. Just to clarify, I am working on and receiving help for my issues regarding pushing her away and why we argued etc. I am not asking for advice on that side of the situation. I am purely asking for advice on how to help her move past her feeling that "we can't try again because there's too much water under the bridge.... if only we could turn back the last month so we could be happily planning our life together"?
  9. 1 hour spent talking on the phone tonight!
  10. As a woman I beg to differ on this point. I have been in this position with my ex. There was no cheating involved but a week after we broke up I spent the evening with her and kept joking around saying things like "make your mind up, either kiss me or stop staring at my lips, one or the other" (she was very obviously staring at my mouth) then when we said goodbye I joked again "so are you going to kiss me or what" both times she refused a kiss. A few days later we spoke about it, and she openly admitted that she did want to kiss me but at the same time was scared of all those feelings of hurt and helplessness coming rushing back. A kiss is a very intimate thing, and she probably didn't want to give you any wrong impressions. I agree with the comments saying I'm not sure why you would want her back - for me cheating is very final so I would have no interest in getting her back. But "every woman's dream"? Actually it can be embarrassing and frustrating when someone pester you all night for a kiss, even someone that you have feelings for.
  11. So today she just messaged back with "I'm good thanks x" so I rang when I knew she would be at work and wouldn't have her phone on her and left a voicemail along the lines of "Hey it's me. Glad to hear you're Ok. Would be good to catch up some time, give me a call if you fancy a chat. Ok bye for now" I don't know if this is considered the right thing to do. Ok that's a lie. I know this is certainly considered the WRONG thing to do! But hey we each have to make the most of our own instincts/gut feelings. And my gut feeling? That if she hears my voice it's a little bit more personal than just a text. Hey, I'm one that's known to break all the rules. Maybe that's why I'm alone and miserable right now, but then again she always said she fell in love with me because I was always so forward and if I wanted something I told her rather than playing games/beating around the bush. So where does one draw the line? Become a person who she always told me she would hate (acting aloof and casual) or carry on (gently) being my natural self, the person she fell in love with? Right now I'm going with option B. I may be wrong. It may bite me in the proverbial. Who knows. But let's be honest, I have nothing left to lose. I'm leaving the country next week, and it's unlikely I will be able to have any contact with her while I'm gone.
  12. So why tell me to leave her alone and say we shouldn't talk anymore, then barely a week later text me that?
  13. Honest opinion? If you could let it go you would of by now. But you haven't. You haven't sought couples therapy. You haven't apparently done anything to actively get over it. It's nothing to do with the How's, why's, and wherefores, either get over it or don't. Forgive and forget and never think about it again. If this doesn't sound like a feasible option then walk away and stay away. I'm afraid those are your only 2 options.
  14. I replied to her text 3 hours later with "Hey, good to hear from you. I'm good thanks, how are you doing? Have a good shift x" and there has been no reply.
  15. I haven't seen your other posts, but I'm thinking maybe once she realised the power was shifting over to you by you ceasing contact, she wanted to snatch that power back by blocking you. As you said, she knows you notice. My best advice? Do not pay 1 bit of attention because she is expecting you to be upset. Act like you never even noticed.
  16. So as a shock to everyone but most of all me, I received this text message today at 3.30pm..... "Hello E, just on my way to work but just a message to say hope you're okay x" it is now 5.30pm here and I have not yet responded. I am in total shock. I think I need help on how to respond. My thoughts currently along the lines of "Hey L, good to hear from you. I'm doing well thankyou, hope you are too. Have a good shift x" any input from anyone here would be greatly appreciated
  17. First and foremost, have a hot drink, take a step back, and breathe. We have all seen things we don't want to see, heard things we don't want to hear, and misunderstood a whole host of situations. I have a very close friend who I have known for 7 years. He is in a committed, monogamous, loving relationship with a girl who is his absolute world. He is the kindest most caring person anyone could meet and he would do anything for his partner. He also loves being pegged. He enjoys being "dominated" in the bedroom. He enjoys watching gay (MM) porn. And to be honest I know a fair few guys that have questioned the whole "is is considered gay to suck your own" situation - I think that's more societal curiosity rather than "oh my god I think I'm gay". There are also a few underlying issues in your post. You say "I have found...." do you mean you have walked in on him looking at these things, or do you mean you have taken a peek and broken a few privacy boundaries? Not judging. I've been there. I'm just fully aware that it's a very unhealthy situation to be in and there are much better ways of handling things. Another thing is the dating website. Was this set up a long time ago before you two met? In which case, I feel it has no bearing on your current situation. Was it set up during your marriage? In which case this is NEVER ok. Men/Women/Both.... That should not be the key factor. The important point is that he is married to YOU and has set up a dating profile. You need to discuss this with him openly if this is the case. The rape porn is somewhat worrying although alot of that MAY come down to the idea of being dominated in the bedroom. It's hard to explain, but I do have this one good friend that he searches for the same sort of thing not for the fact that it's "rape" but more for the fact that it's staged and therefore is the same effect as being dominated. Ok let's take a look at this from the other perspective. Let's say maybe he is bisexual or bicurious? Would this be a dealbreaker for you? I am not talking about a situation in which he might have cheated on you - again, this is NEVER ok. But would it be a dealbreaker for you to discover that maybe he has a past with men (before he met you) or maybe he is exploring his sexuality online through porn etc? This is something only you can answer - but before youo jump to conclusions take a look at The Kinsey Scale. The theory is that almost everyone has some "gay" tendencies, this does not necessarily mean he is bisexual or even has any gay tendencies at all, but it is worth taking a look at to get a better understanding. Really, all I can suggest is TALKING to your husband. Communication (or lack of) is one of the biggest marriage killers. You are jumping to all sorts of conclusions, possibly snooping around, and even assuming he has cheated based on a few random facts? Please please just talk to him. Decide what you actually WANT to know - I have always been told "Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to". This is open to personal interpretations so take from that whatever you want but it is useful to remember. Don't come out with a load of accusations. Be calm, tell him your concerns, and ASK him what he is thinking/feeling. People are much more receptive to open questions than they are to angry accusations. I hope all works out for you. Best of luck.
  18. I have been no contact with L for 8 days so far, and was very LC for the 9 days prior to that. It hurts every day. Some days I think "yea this isn't so bad, I can do this, I'm fine" then the next day every single little thing makes me think of her, there's a million things I would have messaged her, and I spend the whole day trying not to cry because it hurts so bad to not be able to talk to her.
  19. Oh wow, it's so lovely to hear from someone who has been partner to a BPD sufferer. So many people I have spoken to previously are the ones suffering from BPD, so it's great to "meet" somebody from the other side! I have spent 18 months struggling to find specific BPD therapy - I am currently undertaking CBT although from my research I think DBT is the route more commonly offered to BPD sufferers however nowhere seems to offer that around where I live. I have major abandonment issues from childhood and the BPD certainly does not help either. My ex could take too long to reply to a text and I would instantly assume that she was trying to think of how to break up with me. It's such an unhealthy way of thinking but it's impossibly hard to change that mindset when to me it is "normal" to think in that way. I am trying to self-help by reading numerous blogs online from people who have overcome the struggles of BPD, however the professional help I am receiving is very much on the depression/anxiety side of things. Hopefully I will start getting somewhere though.
  20. For some reason I'm finding NC particularly hard today. I contacted L's mum via text message "Hi, do you think it would be appropriate for me to give L a call this evening? X" her response was "I think its best to wait till L contacts you, she doesn't really speak about it so i think it best not to contact her x" This of course threw my head into a whole new whirlwind. She doesn't talk about it? What does that mean? Does that mean she doesn't miss me at all? Is she talking to someone else who's keeping her mind off me? Has she lost all feelings entirely so I don't even cross her mind anymore? When you spend 3 years with someone you get to know the ins and outs of every thought that goes through their head. You can tell exactly what they are thinking from 1 facial micro-expression. However as soon as the turmoil of a breakup enters the picture, it feels like you suddenly know nothing. Everything you were certain of - L would take months if not years to get over me, she would miss me within a day or 2, she would never talk to someone else for at least 6 months - all that goes out the window and you start to doubt everything. It sucks. It's hard.
  21. Hi soooolost, How is NC going? I have read your post and I totally feel you.... I am in a very similar situation and also started NC at the same time as you.
  22. I think what i have learnt from this forum is: when you have major issues yourself, establish what they are, accept responsibility for the issues (but do not blame yourself for them - just accept responsibility), take action to correct the issues, follow through with these actions to correct the issues, then forgive yourself for the issues you had and move on a better and happier person. Everyone has issues, nobody is perfect. My issues are self destructive and they were destroying a very kind and caring partner who put her all into the relationship. That is simply not ok by any stretch of the imagination. I have accepted that, taken responsibility for my actions, and am trying to better myself as a person. Don't worry, I will forgive myself eventually, but not until I am a better more mature person. As how can one forgive something that is still the case? Thankyou for taking the time to respond to my lengthy posts, i need all the help i can get x
  23. I do completely understand what you're saying. I have a very unstable relationship with most of my family members - I have done from the age of 6. When you are brought up in an environment of bickering and sniping and saying spiteful things to get a reaction it can be very hard to grow out of that. But as I said, I am aware that this is a major issue that is completely unacceptable and I am taking all the possible steps to rectify this - self reflection, therapy, medication, counselling. I suffer from depression, anxiety, Aspergers and Borderline Personality Disorder. I have never used any of these diasnoses as excuses however I also understand that they play a contributory role in my relationship breakdown. I understand wholeheartedly that if I am to have any chance at happiness/success in this relationship or any future relationship then I have A LOT of hard work to do on myself - but I have actively started that journey. I am determined to change my destructive behaviours and establish better coping mechanisms however sometimes it really does take a personal catastrophic event like this for people to truly realise where they need to change. Yes i realised some parts sooner but never really put much effort into adjusting my character. Now I am on the road to recovery so to speak. Everyone who's ever met me (including this ex) has always told me that I am the kindest most caring person they have ever met. I put everyone else's happiness first, I would do anything to help anyone, and I am a really true friend. However when faced with conflict I admit that I break down and react horrendously. I am self destructive. I am working on it.
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