Should I be paying her car insurance?

[anon23]

Hey everyone,

 

First time posting here - glad this forum exists because I would really appreciate some advice.

 

My long-term girlfriend and I used to live in a very small town, but she is bipolar and wanted to live out in the middle of the countryside (saying that the stress and noise of the town is harder for her to cope with). We've lived in the countryside before but it was a struggle for me because I felt trapped out in the middle of nowhere because I don't drive - she does, so I was completely dependent on her. Every time I tried to save enough money to get lessons something would happen (usually on her side of things) such as her car breaking down or bills coming in that where higher than expected.

 

She asked me to agree to move to the countryside again and said that she felt it was what she needed to do to be okay. I reluctantly agreed out of love for her but told her that she would have to agree to drive me to and from work because if I find myself stuck there I would have no choice but to move out. I try never to abuse this, I don't simply ask her to drive me to random locations or for nights out (I don't have nights out). She agreed and has kept her promise. But because out here there are barely any jobs available I now work in a restaurant earning little more than minimum wage - which means that I still can't afford to get driving lessons - especially since she earns very little herself as she wanted to be self employed (not able to cope with a full-time active job because of her condition) and has opened a little shop that barely makes any profit.

 

Since she sorted the house (rent) and all the utilities for the property she wanted, all the bills come out of her account. Since I get paid weekly she simply approaches me every week and tells me how much money she needs me to give her. Over time though (now being almost a year) I can't make sense of the figures since the weekly amounts are never consistent. I therefore asked for her to agree to a set amount per month. She agreed and told me how much she needs from me each month. In addition to that monthly payment though, I also still have to give her half the shopping costs and half the car fuel costs.

 

Yesterday, unknown to her at the time, I took a look at the actual bills and worked out that the monthly amount she is asking for is actually 77% of the total monthly bills! Meaning that I would pay 77% of the bills (she would only be 23%) as well as half the shopping costs and half the car fuel costs! I then questioned her about this and her explanation was this: Her car is being paid off monthly and she also has the car insurance to cover.

 

So my question is this: Is it wrong of me to think that since I am paying my part of the fuel costs for lifts to work, and since the car is solely in her name and she is the only driver, that it is unfair of her to ask me to pay money towards her car and her car insurance? Remembering also that we only live in the countryside (the only reason I need those previously agreed lifts in the first place) because she wanted to live there despite knowing that I didn't want to. AND being in a long term relationship of many years, is it right for her to expect me to cover her financial shortcomings? I don't know if I'm being unfair her, I haven't said anything to her about it to her other than that we'll need to discuss it further.

 

Sorry for the long message, but I'd really love to know what you think.

 

Many thanks,

 

Anon.

[chitown9]

Yeah, I really think that you do need to contribute to the car payment and the car insurance as that is also part of the cost of doing business, so to speak. She also needs to pay those things in order to operate the car, and consequently to transport you to work. You really need to find a way to be able to drive yourself and have your own car.

[anon23]

I understand what you mean. The issue I have with this is that when we moved into the house, it was a different car. The car had no monthly repayments to cover and the insurance was paid for by her father. It didn't break down but was very old and my girlfriend was concerned that it would breakdown and be a write-off. She therefore decided to get a new car by paying an upfront installment (I paid a few hundred towards it) and then pay monthly until the car is paid off. The issue I have is that needing me to pay toward these monthly costs or to start paying toward her insurance was never asked of me. She always made it sound like it's the best that she can afford without ever telling me that I would have to pay half - that is why the car was and remains entirely in her name only. It feels a little like I am being taken advantage of.

[pippy longstocking]

I do think you need to pay yes ....but am I reading it right , you pay more ? Well no you shouldn't pay more . I hope you can settle it without damaging your relationship , because if your life is happy and good , you are more then half way there .

[anon23]

I don't know. I am paying 77% of the monthly bills and half of all the other bills. But her justification for only paying 23% of the monthly bills is that she is paying the car insurance and car repayments. Which essentially is the same as saying that I am paying 50% of the monthly bills as well as half of the insurance and car repayments. Problem is she made is seem that she would pay the insurance and car repayment because it is entirely her car and only she drives it - but because I get lifts to work in it, I pay half the monthly fuel costs (which seems fair to me). But is it write for me to pay that extra 27% without her even telling me about it?

[pippy longstocking]

No ...I see what you're saying and I think you're right ...

 

Best thing you can do mate is sit down ..pen and piece of paper and get it all down ..every single bit, incoming/outgoing and settle this .

[anon23]

BASICALLY: The way she has dealt with her new car was to ask me to contribute to the monthly bills (of course) and pay half the fuel costs (because I get lifts to work in the car) and half the shopping costs (of course), and that she'll cover the car insurance and the car repayments (buying the car). But what she's actually done is gotten me (without telling me) to pay 77% of the monthly bills so that she only has to pay 23% and can use the rest of the money to pay her car insurance and repayment.

 

Effectively one can argue that I'm paying 50% of the monthly bills as well as half of the car insurance and repayment for a car that is and will remain entire hers (so that basically I am buying half the car but get 0% ownership). And all this without ever mentioning it to me and making it sound like I am simply being asked to pay my 'half' of the monthly bills - but the car is hers and she will cover the car costs. Remember also that the only reason I need lifts from her is because she wanted to live in an isolated location, while I wanted to live in the town as that I would not need a car and there would be no car costs at all. Getting lifts to work was a condition that she agreed to in order to move to that location in the first instance (despite knowing that I would be unwell in such an isolated condition) - and is an agreement that I try never to abuse (I only ever ask for lifts to work, never anywhere else even though that means that I am stuck in the home like a prisoner all day).

[Giblesp]

You moved out to the countryside on her wishes, and she has to drive you to work. This current situation is not going to work out.

 

You need to be happy with yourself and where you want to be first and foremost. If your not happy with the countryside, dont live there. And drive yourself to work, thats what men do.

 

Im presuming that the countryside is actually near to your hometown/wprk, ie in driving distance? If thats the case then you getting a car will able you to keep in contact with your friends, family and social circle.

[anon23]

If your not happy with the countryside, dont live there.

I moved there because she is bipolar, she insisted that she HAD to move there because of her health, and I was trying to be supportive of the person I love and prevent a long-term relationship from ending.

 

And drive yourself to work, thats what men do.

First of all, don't be patronising! Second, if you read the original message in full (because that's what men do) than you would know that I don't have a driving license because asking me to pay 77% of the monthly bills while working on minimum wage means that I can't afford the lessons. Something that she knew even before moving there.

[yatsue]

I would weigh the alternative against what you already have (dependent vs self sufficient). So, what would you use instead of her car to get to work? A cab, uber, or lyft? I am familiar with uber, which is cheaper than cabs, and I think it's better you should keep what you already have going on here. A 20 minute drive can cost a lot to use to go to work everyday (around $40 one way, give or take depending on the area and time). Definitely more than half the insurance and car payments. I assume you don't have public transport where you live, as it seems implied with being basically "stranded" in the countryside. You could check out the rates for lyft and see if there are any potential savings.

 

Or, you could take your gf's offer. Driving you means extra wear and tear on her car. Plus, if it's a lease then she has to watch her mileage. Just paying gas is kind of screwing her since this seems to be a long term solution (i.e. you are not going to get your license anytime soon because things keep coming up). Her having you essentially pay half for the insurance and payments is her offer to drive you. However, you didn't want to come out to the countryside and did so for her. In my honest opinion, if you didn't like the deal, no matter how it was divided and didn't even look into it in the first place, why are you having beef now? Not to sound harsh, but you should have told her before moving out there that you would like more information about how it's divided up if it was so important to you. Then you could have made an informed decision. You went straight into this deal blind, trusting her idea of fairness without any input from yourself. I know you probably didn't think she would divide everything this way, but this is her idea of fair, which isn't too bad when considering your alternative options for transportation although it's not your idea of fair. You should have refused from the very beginning, not after you agreed to terms you didn't understand.

 

That said, I think you should tell her you want to get a car in both of your names. You are paying half of the car's price, let alone the insurance. You should get at least co-ownership of the car. It's weird she would make you pay an elevated rate for the other payments, just so she can keep the car in her name but have you pretty much paying for the car too. That needs to change. In summary, keep the agreement with a change (adding you for co-ownership). I would look into what the options are first before having this conversation with her (consult the dealer). If you can obtain some possible solutions to adding you as co-owner, then this could be her repayment towards making you move out there. I'm not sure if a good solution can be done without her selling the car in some way or if it's a lease then waiting until it ends, but it's worth a call. Warning: be wary of any default payments she may make if you co-own, given she doesn't make much. It can hurt your credit and make you responsible for those payments.

[j.man]

I'm going to go against the grain a bit.

 

I reluctantly agreed [to move out to the countryside] out of love for her but told her that she would have to agree to drive me to and from work

That was the deal, not "cover 77% of rent and utilities to compensate for my car expenses." At that moment, she was in a position to decide whether driving you to and from work was worth the countryside, or to bring up the additional costs she would need from you so that you could decide if it's worth having to pay for someone's car on top of the move you didn't really want to do. It appears she was honest when you asked, so it's at least not completely disingenuous of her to ask for excess payment to include her car without mentioning it. Obviously you should be a decent person and fill her tank during her weekly pit stop, even if were to assume you in fact should be required to contribute to something like her insurance, that should never, ever be something she just out of nowhere tacks on without you two sitting down and working out what's fair when considering the sacrifices you're both making.

 

However, as a bit of an aside, I will disclose that I'm someone who, for medical reasons, can no longer drive. I'd get caught dead before I relied on my lady for getting to and from work. Even if you sacrificing location in exchange for a lift to and from work is perfectly fair enough deal on paper, one of the surest ways to get your partner dryer than the Sahara is by having her drop you off with your lunchbox at work every day. You can refuse to pay what she asks, but I can almost guarantee once the monetary benefit to her goes away, right or wrong, she's heading straight to Resentment City.

 

As another poster mentioned, this is not sustainable.

[MissCanuck]

I agree with a few others here - the current living situation is not working, and it's going to get worse. The expenses and unequal bills are a symptom of this bigger problem.

 

She insisted on moving to the countryside so she can cope. That would make sense, if she were also bringing in a reasonable income and was thus managing relatively well. By your own admission, OP, she is not. You acknowledge she makes little income. The same goes for you. So yes, life is perhaps more peaceful in some ways, but in other ways, it's becoming more stressful. That will not help her mental health condition, in the end.

 

Instead of arguing over the bills, which I agree are not being fairly divided, I would talk to her about how realistic and sustainable this countryside life really is. As it stands, it's not going well. You two are not progressing toward greater stability - you're going in quite the opposite direction. You need to make some important decisions now about what you can do to address the real problems this move has created.

[DancingFool]

You can look at this as me v. her and this will lead you both to resentment, OR you can look at this relationship as "us". So put together ALL the bills you both have, put together all the income you both have and figure out from there how to manage things more equitably as a team. Look at it from the perspective of these are all our bills and this is all our money - let's get stuff paid. Consider also what else you can both do together to make more money or lower some bills. Look around at what others are doing. Again, work together on that and not just from "me" perspective.

[tattoobunnie]

She is putting wear and tear on her car to drive you to work. Yes, you should cover half the insurance and car, because half the time, she is driving you where you need to go back and forth. If you don't like it, try to find a carpool arrangement, or move back on your own closer to your job. Do you have any friends or family that can teach you how to drive?

[Giblesp]

I moved there because she is bipolar, she insisted that she HAD to move there because of her health, and I was trying to be supportive of the person I love and prevent a long-term relationship from ending.

 

 

First of all, don't be patronising! Second, if you read the original message in full (because that's what men do) than you would know that I don't have a driving license because asking me to pay 77% of the monthly bills while working on minimum wage means that I can't afford the lessons. Something that she knew even before moving there.

 

It wasn't meant to be a derogatory comment. Don't put the blame on someone else for not having a driving license, you've had since your teens to get one. Having your woman drive you to work will create all sorts of problems, as she will start seeing you as a child. If you want to have good sexuality with a woman you have to pay attention to things like this.

 

You have to look after yourself first before looking after someone else.

 

Sorry if my advice seems harsh, but if you think about what I'm saying instead of reacting you might be in agreement. You must stand on your own feet first to make a relationship happen with another.