Please help me...

[The_Enforcer]

I don't know where to start . My name is Mike, I'm 19 and from England. I'm probably an alcoholic.

 

I don't know why i'm posting this, I guess I just have to write it down- my life story. I hope someone has the time to read this, and maybe give a lost soul some much needed advice.

 

I was a popular guy at school, in the early years, I had many ladies after me- these were my best times, ones I like to remember. I consider myself to be very intelligent (hope this doesn't sound big headed), and I was a terrific all round sportsman, representing my county several times.

 

Looking back on things, I was bullied from around 14 years of age. I have always hidden my feelings, and never really had anyone to talk to. My mum had cancer when I was young, and sadly is not with us today. They say that is when I developed depression and OCD (about 10 yrs old, I think).

 

I gave up seeing the pychiatrists, as they just didn't seem to be able to help me.

 

At school, the bullying got soo bad, that I couldn't go back. I turned to martial arts for an answer, hoping one day I would be able to beat these bullies ( i was put in hospital on frequent occasions).

 

I never did go back to school, but I managed to go in for my exams, and passed them all, with good grades (not fullfilling my pottentiial though )_. The doctors said I was very ill, and my absenses from school were authorised.

 

When school finished, I went to college, but soon dropped out. Unfortunately I got mixed in with the wrong crowd and started smoking cannabis. Within a few months I was totally addicted, and for the next year or so, this would be my life- looking back on it, it was my getaway from the pain life induced.

 

Then one day, I was in a club, and the most beutiful girl came upto me and started cuddling me. I was so drunk I didn't know who she was. I was lost in her eyes for a few minutes, she gave me her i.d(!), and then i remembered who she was. She was someone very special from school, my childhood sweetheart.

 

The next day, I remembred who I was, and gave up everything- the drugs, the alcohol, the cigarettes. It was like an awakening- she had reminded me of who I used to be.

 

For the next year, I spent my life training. Getiing as fit as possible. I also enrolled in college again. And things were looking up for me. I gained a few friends, and things were going well.

 

Then, I got caught speeding in my car, and was banned from driving, which ment I couldn't get to college. I could even get a job for f*** sake, as I live in the middle of no where.

 

Understandably, I became very depressed, and started smoking weed again. I looked for an answer to my problems, and went to join the Royal Marines- which was a childhood dream.

 

Unfortunately, my application was rejected, due to me having asthma. They said I had to wait 4 years (without taking medication) till I could join.

 

Eventually, I gave up smoking again, and set my goals on getting fit. I wanted to become something special- we only live once. I closed myself off, and simply trained. I would lift wieghts, practise martial arts, and never see anyone. Not even go out.

 

Eventually, I got my driving license back, and was able to find a job with an agency. I worked so hard, that eventually they offered me a permanent position- realising I was a great worker.

 

It was a job with no prospects, but I knew that it could lead to better things. After 3 months, I was able to get a much better job, as a civil servant.

 

I really enjoyed my time here, and made many great friends. The ladies seemed to like me too- or so I was told.

 

But then one day, after 6 months of working there, I was fired. I hadn't done anything wrong- they just said they couldn't accept a reference from a company I had worked for 6 months or less. As a result, they had taken a reference which was three years old, from a time I was very ill. That reference was very demeaning, considering my circumstances. And that is why I was fired.

 

I didn't let this get me down, remembering keiri's eye's gave me motivatn to succeed. I got another job (very bad job). Eventually, the company I had first started with, offered me my job back. I told then I didn't want o take it, as I couldn't see my self there for long.

 

They siad this was fine, and employed me anyway, which I am very greatful for. They seem to care about me (prehpas the only ppl).

 

Basically, all I do is work. I never go out and socialize, I don't knwo how to. I have no money, and no friends. I had a few friends, but they are all away in Iraq right now, fighting for our country.

 

I still have two years to go, until I can join, And i'm very depressed ( idon't see a Dr though, as I'm afriad this will stop me joining the forces.)

 

I have started drinking very heavily, to ease my hurt. Did you know I have went 2 years withough even a cuddle? That really hurts for an emotiaonal guy like me. I'm tough on the outside, but really soft inside. And it really hurt me today, as I drove around town- looking through the pub window's, seeing everyone having such a great time. An there's me- so lonely.

 

My pain hurt's, I feel it everyday. It won't ever stop. Sometimes I need a hug, but there is no one there to even give me a cuddle.

 

All I do these days, Is train, eat, work and drink. I have no money, no friends, no love..... nothing. The only thing that keeps me going, is knowing that I will be able to(please god) join th royal marines in 2 years time.

 

Anyone who has read this far, I would like to thank for reading such a boring story. I don't know whY I worte this, but I feel so lonely, and sometimes wonder whever it is worth me living.

 

I really would like some advice, on how to sort my life out again. I feel so lonely.

 

 

 

p.s.... I know there are people out there, in much worse positions, and that is why I carry on. I just want to do smoething special with this life.

 

But her I am , Drunk and listening to David Gray ''this years love''. I still can't take my mind off keiri, and she gives me motivation.

 

Sorry if this post is poorly written, My le probably doesn't sound that bad to many of you- but it is really hurting me.

 

please help me

[The_Enforcer]

I know maybe, my story so far in life, doesn't seem too bad (MAYBE, i have wrded/written it poorly?). But believe me, it has hurt me along the way... I often go to sleep with tears rolling down my face. ( idon't cry- they just fall out).

 

Please advice me, just even say Hi- to such a lonely guy

[CarterJonas]

Welcome to the forums Mike!

 

I'm pretty sure that your medical record in the UK is confidential, so even if you did go and have a chat with your doctor the royal marines wouldn't have a legal right to see your documents. Personally I would go and see your doc and have a chat with him, see what he/she recommends.

 

It is good that you have something (Marines) to aim for but remember that there are other things that you could do as well if you have problems with your asthma. I'm actually thinking about possibly going travelling later this year, see the world a bit!!

 

Are there any other hobbies that you are into which might expand on your network of friends? Team sports have helped me a lot, such as football and cycling club.

 

Also remember that a lot can change in a few years, so it might look gloomy at the moment but this doesn'y mean it will be the same in a year or two.

[The_Enforcer]

Thanks for the reply, caterjones. I really appreciate yor quck response, As I'm feeling soo alone right now.

 

From my understanding, the royal marines are allowed to access your whole medical record. So If I was too seek advice, this may jepoardise my chances of joiningin in the foreseeble future.

 

I really enjoy brazillian Ju_jitsu (ground fighting), and i'm looking to join a club. I guess, I just need to find the confidence?

 

Many thanks for readin my borig story,

 

Mike.

[CarterJonas]

Your story isn't boring mate Life is full of ups and downs.

 

I don't know about the access to your medical records but remember that your health and wellbeing is the most important thing to you. I do know that in general no one can access your records without your permission, might be worth checking up?!!

 

Remember that we all hit a low point in life from time to time, it will happen to all of us.

 

By all means go and join the martial arts class as I am sure it will help a lot with the confidence. How about other things? Also remember it is strange doing something for the first time, but once you have been a few times it gets much easier.

[BYOB]

I have read your tread from a to z (It was easy and fun to follow and what I want to add is:

 

We are 6 billion people in this world.

 

Wait... 6bil-1, 6bil-2 oh no 6bil-4 and pop ! Average of 3 birth a second

 

What I mean is that you can meet plenty of people yet I don't have to repeat body-duddy that answered you previously but I support his point.

[Mr. B]

Although I have to admit your story is not all that happy, I do have to say it's been alot more eventful than mine and I have at least a year on you. That said, however, you're still pretty young. I know it's a cliche, but things do get better. Just keep your chin up and you should be fine. Do your best to be in control of your happiness rather than having it depend on others. That goes for those in and out of romantic relationships.

[ashlee_june]

Hey Enforcer! I was just surfing the internet and somehow came upon your story. i had no intentions of joining this site or anything, but after reading your story, my heart was changed. wow!! your tale made me cry. i am so sorry you have suffered this way. i am a 19-year-old girl with an amazing boyfriend so i don't mean this in a romantic way, but if i could be with you right now, you would receive the biggest hug of your life!!

 

i want to be your friend. i want to talk with you when you're feeling down. i want you to reach your goals, but to go even further than that. i am glad you are striving to be in the Marines. i know that God can use you to protect your country, and He can help you feel your true, deep worth. i'm so happy you reached out and asked for help in your posting, because that is a prayer -- and God answers all prayers (just not always how we want Him to)!!

 

i'm sorry if this reply gets a bit long, but i just have so much i want you to know. first, i don't recommend another psychiatrist... i urge you to visit a church!! not a stuffy, strict and cold church, but a warm one where the love of Christ abounds. what is this "love of Christ?" isn't Christ just some fairy tale made up to teach us harsh lessons?" you may ask those things. but i now believe completely in Christ, because i was once as lonely as you are. i was only 14, but i hated everyone and everything. yet i still wanted everyone and everything to accept and love me. i kept trying to "find myself," to find someone who thought i was worth fighting for. i hated church, but kept going because my parents made me. i was steeped in selfishness, only caring about myself.

 

then i went on a mission trip to Cincinnati, Ohio with my church's youth group. there i met and talked with homeless people, people with drug addictions, people addicted to pornography and people far lonelier than me. i realized how blind i had been to others' pain, and how we all really need God to heal us from this pain.

 

i committed my life to helping others feel loved and helping them see that Christ is the source of true love. He's the one who fought for me! he went into battle against the phoniness of this world, and he died in the middle of the war. but he came back to life and gave life back to me.

 

this may sound confusing. none of this stuff would have made any sense to me a few years ago. but i have lived without the hope of Christ, and i have lived with it. and living with that hope is so much better!! things aren't always wonderful and warm, in fact i still experience intense pain, confusion, and lonliness. the difference now is that i have the Bible to comfort me when i go through it, i have God to talk with about those emotions and experiences, and i know that behind every painful thing there is a purpose.

 

for example, a couple years ago my family's plans fell through. we were going to work for a summer at a sports camp on the east coast of the USA, make a lot of money, and have tons of fun. but everything fell through - because i was too young, and a girl (it was a boys' camp). i blamed myself for it all and thought that God was punishing me because i wasn't the "best" Christian and didn't always read my Bible, etc. i was overwhelmed by guilt and cried many nights out of frustration.

 

but about a month into the summer (on a day we would have been out east), i met this remarkable man. a man my age who loved God and wanted to spend his life telling others about Christ. after a while we began to date, and today he and i are going steady.

 

God has blessed my life through my boyfriend, but i never would have met him had i not gone through the pain of not going east. it sucked at the time and i felt so sad, but God had a greater plan in mind. and God never wanted me to feel guilty, but just to trust Him with my life.

 

i know God has a plan for your life too. even though you have gone through MUCH MUCH MUCH more pain than me, God can heal your heart and show you what a true, strong man you are. not strong just because of your training, but strong in character, wisdom, and wildness. and He will be your friend, and bring friends into your life, along the way.

 

please, please, please get a copy of the Bible as soon as possible. also, the book WILD AT HEART by JOHN ELDREDGE is absolutley astounding!! i know it will touch your heart.

 

 

i don't know if you have had bad experiences with Christians in the past, but i do know that God had me stumble upon your posting for a reason. God and i both want you to know that there is hope - and it is in Christ, the man who wants to show you that YOU are a man too.

 

you're in my prayers, Enforcer!!