Jump to content

Feel like i am going crazy due to my gf and her ex husbands relationship help!

Recommended Posts

So I have 2 children from a past relationship and my current partner also has 2 children from her previous relationship. We both identify as lesbians. I am civil with my childrens dad but its strictly just kid talk and buisness stuff. My partner has a completely different relationship with her ex husband and it makes me very uncomfortable to the point i feel jealous and crazy but i am not sure if these feelings are valid and i should be worried or if i am over reacting? She told me they divorced over 2 and half years ago but for the first year he was trying to get back with her... ( he cheated on her). He is now engaged to a new girl who he lives with and my gf lives with just her children. From the day i stepped foot into her house i felt uneasy... i felt like there was a mans prescense (weird i know...you know like a straight vibe) but dismissed it. I noticed she had photos of her ex still up in her house and i mentioned it and she said it was for the kids and its their family etc... didn't think too much but i was still uncomfortable... her ex husband added me on fb pretty quick and his partner.. we have now been together for over a year and things seem to irritate me more and more. She moved the photos of her ex to the kids bedrooms as it really got to me...after i asked numerous times... she has no photos of me in her house at all or of my children. I then noticed she still had an xbox avatar profile for her ex husband... i asked her why that was still there and she said she didn't know how to get rid of it ( which i thought was utter bs because i worked it out in 2 mins and i don't even own one). They talk through text msgs, fb chat, calls and they go to the childrens appts together as a family... we all go to the childrens sporting events together and during this time they always sit right next to each other which makes me feel like the third wheel... he gets so close that he seems to "acciedently touch her leg and stuff when trying to grab their son etc just the other day we left this event and they walked off both of them holding the kids hands.. so one kid then the ex then another kid and my partner... all lined up together... me and his partner walked behind them.. i felt super angry and jealous because they looked like they were still together... am i over reacting? He annoys me so much. He is constantly tagging her in fb memes and posts and has even replied with xx at the end.. .. i am at mt limit and don't know what to do... she gets very defensive as she wants to maintain a good friendship with her childrens dad but i feel as though she is using them as a bit of an excuse.

Link to comment

At the end of the day, your boundaries are your boundaries. Tell her you don't want to be in a relationship where you feel like you're competing. Tell her you understand that a good relationship is necessary but X, Y, and Z are crossing the line for you. If she argues, or gets defensive, you have to know to just walk away. There are plenty of people in the world who don't have an intrusive relationship with an ex, and if you MAKE her change her relationship with hers, she will just resent you.

Link to comment

I don't see any cause for concern. Everything you mentioned seems to be for the kids happiness and benefit.I would say they are doing a good job of being co parents. Of course there will be photos of the kids dad up in the house, I would think it strange if there wasn't! And you've had them moved to the kids bedroom! I find that in itself very insecure and selfish.


Are you guys together long? Other than this feeling abut her ex, how is the relationship going?


Edit: I've just seen that you guys have been together a year. I really find it very strange that you expect she would put photos of your kids up in her house.

Link to comment
  • 2 months later...

Yes you are overreacting. I am constantly accused of having a relationship with my kids dad because we get along and we talk...about the kids! It's ALL about the kids between us and it makes me so mad when my gf tries to make it more. It's been like this with every GF, yall need to chill. We chose you for a reason and they are an ex for a reason.

Link to comment
  • 6 months later...

I don't want to say that you're overreacting because that makes it sound like your feelings aren't valid, which they are.


First and foremost, remember that her being with you is her choice. She is with you because she wants to be. If she wanted to be with him, she would be. But she's not.


Secondly, it is very rare to find a couple who can successfully co-parent the way that it sounds like these two are. I would hope you would be proud of her for being able to put her own with him aside for the sake of the children. This is a good quality in a person.


I'm not sure if you mentioned how long they were together / married for but try to remember that she did have a life before you. A life that she invested her time and emotions into. Just because her marriage did not work out the way she intended it to, does not mean the person she married should become any less important to her.


I personally do not have any of my own children, but was extremely close to my ex-wife's nieces and nephews. When we split it was extremely difficult and confusing for everyone. For the first while we didn't do too well at communicating because we were both overwhelmed by emotions.


She started dating someone new fairly quickly after our separation. I'll call her M. M didn't feel comfortable with us talking. She didn't feel comfortable with me being at the kids school or sporting events, birthday parties, etc. As their aunt I felt it was my right to be there, and I was always invited by their mother and father but out of the respect for my ex wife's new relationship, I started to pull back.


And I realized something. Not only were the kids suffering because they were being told negative things about their aunt by M and having to separate their time between us, but I was suffering as well.


The marriage didn't work out but she was still my best friend. She was still the person I had been through so much with. She was still the person who knew me better than myself. She was still the person I felt the need to call if I was having a breakdown or wanted someone to share in my joy about things. Not because I was jealous and wanted her back, not because I wanted to cause problems for her relationship with M but sometimes it's about comfort and history. My home is always open to my ex wife. Her and M got into a terrible fight once, and she spent the night on my couch. Some would see a huge problem with that. I saw it as providing someone I love and care about as a friend a safe space.


It's important to focus on how she reacts to your concerns. She isn't a bad person If she doesn't stop doing things that bother you and it doesn't mean she doesn't love you. But obviously there is some part of her that finds comfort and happiness in having this relationship with her ex, and you as a loving partner should want that for her - not to take it away from her.


You explained to her that having his pictures in the home bothered you. She gave you an explanation of why she had them, and even moved them for you. It could have gone very differently and she could have told you too bad / oh well.


As long as there is nothing physical going in between them I think you should just be happy with her and proud of her. Just because the relationship you have with your ex is not the same that she has with hers, it doesn't make it bad.

Link to comment

You know, when you're dealing with a divorce and kids situation you have to park your jealousy and possessiveness at the curb. You're going to see the ex and his girlfriends. You have to get use to it. And he is the kids' daddy. Nothing you can do. And it is important for the kids to see him and have a father. Your partner isn't doing anything wrong. And you're the one she's with, not him. So try to understand the situation. He still wants to be in his kids' lives where your ex isn't as enthusiastic. So bite your tongue and don't say anything. Any kinds of arguments or lectures about touching or closeness will only push your partner away. As the Brits say, keep a stiff upper lip. You don't have to accept it, but you can keep quiet about it. Don't let your imagination run wild. Think about gardening or something rather than getting jealous. Do it for the kids.

Link to comment


This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

  • Create New...