Would you be annoyed if...

[katrina1980]

j.man, at the risk of sounding defensive, when a man asks me out, there is nothing wrong (or passive) with allowing HIM to follow through with the plans for the date, which again HE asked me on.

 

It's not for me (or any woman in my opinion) to go chasing him down asking when/where/time, etc; I am not the one who asked him out and I am not his mother who needs to chase him down.

 

While that may be okay and acceptable for other women, *I* have no desire to set up that type of dynamic, especially so early on.

 

Perhaps my standard is too high about this, but I feel very strongly about it.

 

A man asks me out, HE follows through. IF he does not, next. Indicates poor character, imo.

 

Having to chase him down for details (which is essentially what you are suggesting) does NOTHING to increase my interest level or attraction.

 

HIM following through on a date HE made, would.

 

Later on, after dating a bit, and getting to know each other, I am perfectly capable of picking up the phone asking for details, and making and planning a date.

 

But these very early dates are so important in determining a man's character (and vice versa).

 

I don't think this is unreasonable or as you said "passive."

 

As I also said, I am very chill and relaxed.

 

He made the date, I TRUST he will follow up with details.

 

If I am anxious about it, I deal with it. Again trusting that he will follow through.

 

Which the OP's guy did! So all is good.

 

All my dates have too!

 

Again, apologies if this sounded defensive but it's one of the many dating issues we all experience that I feel pretty strongly about.

[j.man]

It is passive. That doesn't mean "bad."

[katrina1980]

It is passive. That doesn't mean "bad."

 

Fair enough, that's your opinion, but please clarify if you would.

 

What's passive exactly?

 

Being chill and relaxed about it, TRUSTING that HE will follow though with details on a date HE made?

 

I'm not quite understanding your rationale.

 

I will admit that I do tend to be passive (submissive) in other areas which I won't go into here but I don't see how this can be deemed passive.

[Starlight925]

I have a similar viewpoint to actually everyone who has posted on this thread. I've been doing OLD for many many years, since it began actually! I've had literally hundreds of online dates, and even married one of 'em! (divorced now, whole other story).

 

I am a girl who loves for the guy to take the lead. It shows initiative, and it's just a turn-on.

 

I do flirt, or wink, or whatever the site has as options to letting the man know I'm interested, and then if he's interested, he'll send me a short message. Cool. Message back & forth a bit, and then usually the guy will ask for a get-together.

 

If a guy doesn't outright suggest a time & place, I'll sort of lead him into that, so that he can then take the lead, knowing I'm fully interested. Sort of a dance, if you will.

 

Heres a typical scenario, if the guy hasn't made a time & place suggestion:

Guy: Would you like to meet for a drink?

Me: Sure! I'm free Tuesday or Thursday!

Him: Tuesday works for me.

Me: Great! What part of town are you in?

Him: I'm in X.

Me: OK, I'm in Y. How about we meet in Z? (Z will be a halfway point).

Him: (99% of the time): Awesome! Is there a place in Z that you like?

Me: Sure! How about WineBarQ, at 5:00 pm?

Him: See you then!

 

About 99% of my conversations that lead to a meeting go as above. I find that guys don't want to outright blurt out where and when they want to meet, as remember, they are so used to rejection. They are used to getting stood up, getting ghosted, and getting blasted for their choice of place. I've had many guys tell me they suggest a particular place, and women blast them over their choice. "Are you kidding me? I would never be caught dead in WineBarQ. What a dump". So, they often leave it a bit to the woman.

[Batya33]

He got back to me 👍🏻 Time and place confirmed.

 

Good. He didn't ask you out on a date and nobody should be pursuing or chasing (even if you were dating but this isn't dating -it's a first meet to see if you should go on a date). This is a stranger and there might be a first date in the future. having said that I wouldn't like being left hanging if someone suggests making a plan - especially when you don't even know the location. I decided not to go through with a plan tonight (that involves more than me) because as of this morning the woman organizing it realized that the restaurant is closed today and she has to come up with another location. But I had to involve my husband and child in the plan (i.e. for transportation purposes) and I'm not willing to reorganize my whole day waiting on whether we're meeting at all and whether we can get to the new location as a practical matter. Not upset with her just that most of the time I know I can't do wide open.

 

And that is why I strongly suggest confirming a time and place for a first meet - especially since it has nothing to do with dating or gender in this case. I almost always let the man do most of the asking out on dates but when it came to first meets, after the first phone call if he didn't suggest meeting in person and I wanted to, I did. I wasn't asking him out on a date. Then we discussed time and place.

[katrina1980]

@LHGirl, I am not a guy (obviously) but if I were, after suggesting what I thought would be a cool place to meet, the woman mocked my suggestion with words such as what you quoted above, that's a dealbreaker, immediate next.

 

Especially a first meet/date!

 

If she'd rather not go there fine, there are ways of suggesting another place without mocking and shaming the guy, geez.

 

If more men nexted women from the get-go who behaved this way, perhaps there would be less threads from men lamenting how crappy women treat them.

 

Not to mention, being "afraid" to follow through with details. THAT, in my opinion, is passive.

[Starlight925]

@LHGirl, I am not a guy (obviously) but if I were, after suggesting what I thought would be a cool place to meet, the woman mocked my suggestion with words such as what you quoted above, that's a dealbreaker, immediate next.

 

Especially a first meet/date!

 

If she'd rather not go there fine, there are ways of suggesting another place without mocking and shaming the guy, geez.

 

If more men nexted women from the get-go who behaved this way, perhaps there would be less threads from men lamenting how crappy women treat them.

 

Not to mention, being "afraid" to follow through with details. THAT, in my opinion, is passive.

 

Agreed completely! The thing is, they are so used to the mocking of suggestion, I do find that often, they just leave the place up to the woman. I've had many say that they've learned they'd rather the woman suggest the place, as they know she'll be comfortable in her own suggestion.

 

And yes....any woman who mocks like that should most definitely be nexted!

 

There's a walk-up casual cafe that I always suggest, as it's comfortable, easy to get to, and there is no waitstaff to add to any nerves. You just walk up, order a quick bite, or a glass of wine, etc., and you can sit for a while. It's a chain in my city, so there are many of them around, and it's always my suggestion. I've met 2 guys there this week alone! LOL.

 

One guy I met a while back was new to OLD after a long divorce, and he was lamenting the sheer expense of all these meetings. He kept saying he couldn't get out for under $100, and he'd already met 4 or 5 women. So he's out close to $500! I asked what his process was, and he said that these women kept blasting his "poor choice" of just a glass of wine, so they'd insist on expensive restaurants, and then order expensive stuff. This is unfortunately all too common, and he had to learn the hard way that it's one thing for the woman to suggest a place, but quite another to let her take advantage of him. People can suck.

[Batya33]

Agreed completely! The thing is, they are so used to the mocking of suggestion, I do find that often, they just leave the place up to the woman. I've had many say that they've learned they'd rather the woman suggest the place, as they know she'll be comfortable in her own suggestion.

 

And yes....any woman who mocks like that should most definitely be nexted!

 

There's a walk-up casual cafe that I always suggest, as it's comfortable, easy to get to, and there is no waitstaff to add to any nerves. You just walk up, order a quick bite, or a glass of wine, etc., and you can sit for a while. It's a chain in my city, so there are many of them around, and it's always my suggestion. I've met 2 guys there this week alone! LOL.

 

One guy I met a while back was new to OLD after a long divorce, and he was lamenting the sheer expense of all these meetings. He kept saying he couldn't get out for under $100, and he'd already met 4 or 5 women. So he's out close to $500! I asked what his process was, and he said that these women kept blasting his "poor choice" of just a glass of wine, so they'd insist on expensive restaurants, and then order expensive stuff. This is unfortunately all too common, and he had to learn the hard way that it's one thing for the woman to suggest a place, but quite another to let her take advantage of him. People can suck.

 

I heard of that too when I was meeting men through on line dating. To me it was a turn off if a man didn't ask for and plan most of the first dates. But to me the first meet wasn't a date -how could it be when we were strangers and had no idea whether we'd have in person chemistry? Even if he called it a "date" I didn't flatter myself that a guy I thought I might want to go on a date with in the future had asked me out on a date. He just suggested meeting in person. Sometimes I call meet ups with my women friends dates. To me the purpose of contacting someone through a dating site was to get the ball rolling and meet ASAP to see if a date should happen -and the screening I did for whether I was interested in a first meet didn't account for in-person chemistry -I had to be comfortable with his photos -certainly not repulsed - and i did my safety screening and he had to have what I was looking for generally. If all that was true I liked to meet in person for a short period of time and not on a weekend "date night'.

[katrina1980]

LHGirl, yes people (both men and women) do suck sometimes, but I also blame the guys who allow this too.

 

My god, common sense alone should tell a guy that when a women blasts his "poor choice" (casual, inexpensive) and insists on a high-end restaurant and proceeds to order the most expensive item on the menu, this woman should be avoided!

 

A man should never agree to that for a first meet, and if she doesn't like it, tough tomatoes. Let her go find another chump who will spend hundreds of dollars on a woman he doesnt know from Adam in order to score points or whatever. Even getting sex shouldn't be worth that much and it sets up a really poor dynamic, imho.

 

Again if more men started standing up for themselves and stopped behaving like such "white knights," less women would be pulling this crap, and thus less men would be whining about it.

 

Rant over.

[figureitout23]

I agree with you both katrina and J.Man

 

I'm also a fan of the man taking the lead, choosing the place and paying. If he wavers or things vary, like we go dutch or I choose the place, its not that big of a deal but I still want the man to take the lead. If he asks, he should follow through. I think men are indeed babied with dating now a days. Where women are expected to bend like a pretzel to accommodate a man because hes 'oblivious' about things, please..odds are this ain't his first rodeo. How often are women who 'take the lead' told to stop and let him chase her/come to her? I think its just the general way things go, I cant say I've had too much trouble with this.

 

But on the other hand, if I'm feelings anxious or uneasy and frustrated enough to post when I haven't even had a first date, Im doing too much and taking the 'the man should lead' idea a bit too far. You cant force a man or a woman to act the way you 'expect' all you can do is find someone who meshes with your mindset. The worst dating experiences I've had have been with men who viewed dating and life drastically different than I did, always ended up a disaster.

 

Its not about changing your standards, its about not driving yourself crazy when a potential mate doesn't match them. Simply move on.

[catfeeder]

I wanted him to make the plan because i honestly don't believe in the girl doing the leg work and heavy lifting early on in a relationship. If he isn't interested that's fine but I'm not going to baby him by making all the decisions!

 

Am I crazy?

 

Planning your own schedule is not 'babying' anyone else. I think you're mixing up centuries and operating on 'rules' left over from generations ago.

 

If this guy is a stranger you've matched with online, then skip the whole 'first date' thing until you've actually met him to see if he's worth a full date. People use OLD for a version of speed-meeting, where you set many quick meets over coffee to check one another out. Maybe 20 to 30 minutes. Rules are that neither can ask the other for a 'real' date on the spot, but either can message to invite the other afterward. If the answer is yes, the other responds, otherwise, no response is necessary. That takes all squirmy rejection stuff off the table, and it moves your focus onto meeting the next person that week instead of brooding about any impressions you've made.

 

From there, if you meet someone you actually want to 'date,' then you're equally responsible for setting up dates. If the guy sets up the first one, you may want to reciprocate and treat him to a second--IF you like him enough.

 

Skip the old fashioned hard-to-get nonsense of your Mom's day. The women who wrote those 'Rules' books are long divorced. They came off as idiots then, and their 'advice' doesn't hold up to today's equality and ownership of your OWN time and headspace.