Clownfishles Posted September 15, 2017 Share Posted September 15, 2017 I have just hit 28 days NC, and I'm struggling tonight with deep sadness, so I felt the need to vent. I don't expect anyone to read all of it, but if anyone does I would appreciate any feedback on whether this all makes sense, or whether I'm being whiny and need to do better somehow. Longer than intended so there is a TLDR at the end. 2 Months ago my gf decided we should break up. We had been together for 14 months and our feelings for each other were very strong (I am 28 and she is 23). On the night of the breakup she told me that she had been thinking that once she graduates at the end of this year she will potentially need to move to a different state to find work. And she knew that I will still have 6 months on my degree to complete before I could join her. That being the case, she said she was uncertain if we should stay together because she feels like what she really needs is to grow up and find herself. She said she still loved me and wanted us, but just wasn't sure what the right thing to do was, and she asked me to help her decide. I told her that she had to do what she thought was best for her, and that other than that it wouldn't be fair for me to push her one way or another because of how strongly I felt about her. Eventually she made her decision to break up and said she was sorry. I understood but was absolutely devastated. From when I first met her I knew she wasn't a very happy person. She has lived under the thumb of her controlling and emotionally neglectful parents for her whole life, as well as being constantly in stressful courses that she didn't always want to continue with (Vet student). But I was the one thing in her life that she chose and that was giving her happiness. I recognize now the problem with this, as it is clear now that she was relying on me to make her happy, and that's simply not something another person can do for you. But at the time it felt like such a bewildering betrayal that she could abandon the part of her life that gave her the most happiness. I can see the strength in her decision now. Up until that point we had an ongoing issue with her blowing up at me when Uni wasn't going well or when we had any disputes between us. She really couldn't handle stress well and was always under it. It had started to effect her ability to enjoy a lot of things in her life and while I did my best to cheer her up or help her through things, it ended up effecting both of us. But we were both looking so eagerly towards our future together. We had plans to move in together once she graduated (plans that she proposed and was super enthusiastic about), as she believed her reasons for unhappiness to be her difficult relationship with her parents and the Uni course that she hated. Once those things were past, we thought (foolishly now I think) that things would be much better for us both. Still I would try to talk to her about her mental health and tell her it was the most important thing, and that if she isn't happy with herself she needs to deal with that sooner rather than later. She simply said she didn't have time so I didn't push it. So when she finally decided to break up after our long talk that night, I accepted it. And we went our separate ways. That was the worst night of my life. The following morning as I was getting ready for work she called me. She said she thought she had made the biggest mistake of her life and that she wanted us, and that she wanted to fight for us. I told her that she needed to be sure because I couldn't go through this again, so I told her to take a week and be certain. I tried not to get my hopes up but that was pretty much impossible. We texted for the rest of that day and she told me how she wanted to have a proper talk about us and what she thought was best for her, and to talk about how it could work if we were away from each other for 6 months. The next day I went away on a trip with friends, and spent everyday checking my phone for some sign that she had made up her mind. Nothing. So once a week was up I waited another 2 days then texted her to see if she needed more time. She replied that she didn't, and that she didn't want to have the talk she mentioned the previous week. She said she was sorry, but that all she knew was that she had to focus on herself right now, and that she didn't have the time or energy to dig us out of the hole she had dug for us. I asked her if she still loved me and wanted me, and she said she did. Her final exams were coming up, so I assumed she meant that she just couldn't deal with things either way until they were over. She handles pressure really poorly, so that made sense to me at the time. Anyway I decided I was going to try and wait. Big mistake... The next week was the hardest of my life. I was in limbo, and everyday I went through a cycle of endless grief and hope. I ended up in a dark place and started almost wishing that something would happen to me to end the pain and uncertainty. I would not wish that headspace on anyone, and I will never ever put myself in such a place again. After a week of that hell I broke and tried to call her. I just wanted to hear her voice and see how she was doing, but she didnt pick up, and then texted me asking what was up. I explained that I just wanted to be there for her during her period of stress and that I was going to wait on 'us' until she was able to deal with everything with a clear mind. She seemed angry at this. I explained what I understood the situation to be, and she explained that in her message the previous week she had meant that her original decision to break up was her final decision and that she had called it. She started saying a lot of negative things about us that she had never mentioned before. Eventually I convinced her to speak to me on the phone, as I felt I deserved that much. She had vitriol in her voice as she told me that she wanted to be 'the strongest person' in the room in her life, and that she couldn't do that with me in her life. She said a lot of things that I still don't quite understand and she seemed angry that I was even trying. She hung up after a few minutes, and that's the last time I heard her voice. That was also when I knew that it was over, and that I shouldn't contact her again. That night was pretty bad, but waking up the next morning without the uncertainty was a strange relief. I found out that very day what an amazing and supportive family I really have, and I managed to make it through Uni and work that week without too many breakdowns. The following week, on the Thursday (exactly one month since we broke up), she sent me a text that was intended for someone else. It was work related. But we hadn't used that texting software for over 6 months and there was no way I was near the top of her list. She also had never accidentally texted me before. So I was fairly certain it was intentional. But this was before I knew about NC so I replied informing her that she must have sent it to the wrong person, and she thanked me for letting her know. Two hours later she texted again asking how I was. I replied that I was doing much better and asked about her. She said she had hit rock bottom (pretty sure about her exams) and we ended up texting for a while and I did my best to encourage her to hang in there and that she would be fine. She really seemed down, so the next morning (against my better judgment) I texted her to make sure she was mentally in a safe place and that she could contact me if she really needed to (her emotionally distant mother is her best friend - a red flag I can recognize now). She said that the only thing she was in danger of was sleeping all the time and failing her exams, and that she wouldn't use me like that. Our texts ended up being pretty friendly that day and she told me how she really just needs to grow up. She said I always handled her problems and outbursts so well, and that I was too good for her etc. In my emotional state I asked if the idea of reconciliation down the track was something she liked the idea of, and she said with how she feels now of course she has to say yes, but that she doesn't know how things will be between us even a year down the track after all this hurt she has caused. My final text to her said how I was happy to hear that she still had feelings for me, that it would be nice to see her truly happy one day, that I was proud of her for doing the right thing for her, and that I think one day I might be able to forgive her for the way she did it. I'm conflicted on how I see things going for her. It makes perfect sense to me now that someone who has been in relationships most of her adult life, has been under the thumb of controlling and neglectful parents, and who has been pushing herself through an intense course that she hasn't been 100% committed to, would need some space to find herself and to grow. At the same time, I feel like she still doesn't understand that she can't rely on anyone or anything else other than herself to make her happy in life. And the dismissive way she seems to view introspection and therapy does not give me confidence. Perhaps realizing that will be part of her growth. It's not my concern anymore, but I still find myself thinking about it. It has been four weeks since that final text. Four weeks of a crazy roller-coaster ride that is still in full flight. This was not my first break-up but the first time I have been the dumpee. So I am full of regrets with how I handled myself in that first month before NC. I should have walked away when she first decided to leave me, and dealt with my feelings without her. I should have had more self-respect than to put myself through that limbo. And I should have instituted NC earlier. In that final conversation we had made plans to meet up when we she had finished her exams to do an exchange of stuff and as an opportunity for me to ask any questions I had. However, about 10 days into NC I realized I didn't want to ask any of those questions anymore. I either figured them all out for myself, or realized that they just didn't matter anymore (or at least not enough to risk my healing process). I realized that week that it was really over, and that I deserved better. I no longer wanted to see her if she didn't want to reconcile there and then. I started to put aside those overwhelming fantasies of reconciliation or romantic gestures by her. Not to say that I don't still have those fantasies sometimes, in fact they spring up all too easily, but now I can recognize them for what they are. I can see that I really do need to heal from this, and that seeing her is not going to help that. I stopped reading the reconciliation forum and stuck to this one. I haven't heard from her, and if she does contact me for her stuff I will arrange to leave it somewhere she can pickup or drop it off at her parents house when she is not there. Since then my feelings have been up and down on a daily basis. Uni has been the most difficult, as we both still go there and have so many good memories together. But I haven't seen her, and it's starting to improve. Sometimes I feel like I am already so much stronger and that everything is fine or even normal. But at least once a day I go through periods of a tightness in my chest when I think about our memories, or all the good things between us, or the wonderful future we'll never have. It has made me anxious about my future, as I can't help but feeling that I'll never find someone as good for me. Keeping the right perspective for longer than half a day has been impossible, but some days are so much better than others. I've still got a long way to go, but I'm going to get there. TLDR - Gf left me 2 months ago as she needs to grow up as a person. I was a mess but we managed to leave things relatively amicably after 2-3 weeks of hell. 10 days NC lead me to realize it's over, haven't heard from her since. Roller-coaster of up and downs, grief comes in waves, still not over the hill but staying strong. I have found NC easy to implement once I started (I am stubborn), but I have transitioned from using it in the hope of getting her back (which was selfish of me), to using it to heal and move on. Still struggling to maintain the right mindset for moving on and being happy alone. I've been trawling this amazing forum for a while now, and I am so utterly grateful to have stumbled across all your stories and advice. I know my situation isn't nearly as bad as a lot of people on here, but getting it all out in this massive scroll has helped me feel better tonight after my first big breakdown in about a week. Link to comment
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