Turning 40 in a year, single no prospects and freaking out.

[Shorthaired]

For the last year or so, I have been sinking and sinking into deeper depression. I am feeling an ever increasing panic at the prospect that I will never get married or have a family. It literally wakes me up at night and I have these nightmares that I am running and running to catch up with something that's just out of reach.

 

I have had 3 long term relationships in my 20s and early 30s. We weren't compatible but even though I was willing to work on it, the men ended things each time. All 3 of my exes are now happily married with kids. I have been largely single for the last 5 years. I have had 2 mini-relationships during that time (at around 6 months each) that I had to end because of the major deal breakers. In these 5 years, I have done online dating on and off, I have done meet ups, I have joined random social clubs... Nothing has really worked. The pool of single men my age is incredibly small. I don't even have any external standards - I just want to feel that connection. I am attractive, thin, employed and educated. I don't understand why it's this hard.

 

To make things even worse, I am really burnt out from all my efforts to meet men. I took a break from online dating for 2 months and reactivated my profile a week ago. I set up a couple of dates but the prospect of going on another connection-less date filled me with so much dread that I canceled both dates last minute. I am truly at loss at what to do now. Without online dating, I can go for up to 2 years and not meet a man that is single and in my age group. I am also really lonely. Majority of my friends are raising kids and have moved, we seem to have nothing in common anymore. I have a number of superficial friendships with people in their 20s that have a lifestyle more similar to me. I secretly envy how they have all the time in the world that I do not. Largely, it's been such an uphill battle to make friends and meet men that I am simply exhausted. Except I don't have the luxury of being exhausted because each month that ticks by is another month that I am losing.

 

I have tried to think about things logically. I want family and kids but I don't want a child badly enough to have it on my own. I am also not willing to marry just anyone for the sake of having a husband. I need to be in love. I need him to love me too.

 

I don't really know what I am asking. How to find some peace in my situation? Any people that have been through this and come through on another end? Should I grit my teeth through yet more horrible online dates that I don't want to go on?

[Unreasonable]

May I ask, what is your "age group". As in, how close in age do you expect a man to be?

[Shorthaired]

May I ask, what is your "age group". As in, how close in age do you expect a man to be?

 

35 to 45 or so. I have never been attracted to much older men. Also, I don't feel like I have much in common with someone that has a divorce or 2 with grown children behind him when I am just "starting" out.

[Capttrae]

Just out of curosity, when you meet a guy how long is it before you make your feelings about wanting kids and a family known?

[catfeeder]

To make things even worse, I am really burnt out from all my efforts to meet men. I took a break from online dating for 2 months and reactivated my profile a week ago. I set up a couple of dates but the prospect of going on another connection-less date filled me with so much dread that I canceled both dates last minute.

 

This is understandable, so let's resolve it. You can stop burning yourself out by setting up full dates before learning whether or not you connect.

 

I think you may like this. Lots of people are using quick coffee meets to check one another out. It's efficient, 15 to 20 minutes max, and it's the OLD version of speed dating. Rules are that neither can ask for a real date on the spot, but either can contact the other afterward with an invitation. If the answer is yes, then the other responds, but if not, then no response is necessary. This takes the squirmy rejection stuff off the table.

 

Using coffee or tea instead of alcohol is social while avoiding the wrong message, and it's portable in case the other doesn't show up. It's a zero investment way to learn whether you'll stumble upon simpatico as you screen out bad matches.

 

Set up a few quick meets each week, and expect that most will NOT be good matches. Don't grow disheartened, those are just the odds. Love is supposed to be RARE, otherwise, what would be so special about it?

 

Don't try to develop 'connections' before meeting--that's fantasy building and a waste of time. Nothing teaches like meeting, and setting up a bunch of meets will keep you focused on the next person instead of dwelling on rejections.

 

If your past has taught you anything, it's to allow bad matches to pass early. Don't attempt to convert incompatibility into a good match--you never get any wasted time back again, and the unhappiness of a lousy marriage is faaaar worse than teaching yourself the resilience to enjoy dating life.

 

Consider borrowing or ebooking Dr. Joy Browne's 'Dating for Dummies'. She hated the title, but the 'dummies' brand bought her work, and she's a gem when it comes to teaching a healthier and more optimistic perspective about singlehood and dating. That's the most important thing to cultivate, because bumming yourself out is not only a sad way to live, it makes your vibe unrecognizable to someone who might have otherwise clicked with your happiest, most optimistic self.

 

Head high, write more if it helps, and I hope you'll let us know how things go.

[mustlovedogs]

I understand not wanting to date a divorcee with kids, but eliminating that option eliminates a LOT of guys.

[Batya33]

I was sort of in your boat except that I didn't take a break from dating (and yes sometimes I felt burnt out). My husband and I officially started dating when I turned 39 (and he was still 38 -woo hoo, a younger man). We married when we were 42 and now we're 50-5, one child. Yes it was all worth it.

 

 

I know how frustrating it is, how disheartening, the banging head against the wall. I also was(am) slim, educated,professional, had opportunities to marry but it would have been settling. I met over 100 men in person through on line dating sites, but I also met men through volunteer work, work, friends of friends (and even 3 steps removed) -I told everyone who might know someone single that I was single and looking to get married.

 

Here is how some of my older friends met their partners -salsa dancing lessons (she married her 10 years younger salsa dancing instructor and they had twins when she was in her mid-late 40s), tennis lessons, volunteering backstage at a community theater, in her apartment building (on a rainy valentine's day in the laundry room -she was in her late 30s, he was younger, married over 10 years).

 

I also avoided dating divorcees but I did go out with a few including a guy who was about to become a dad by his ex girlfriend (and yes if it matters he was Ivy educated, professional, sophisticated and 40 years old). It was my strong preference to marry someone who didn't have kids but I was open. I also did not choose to have a child on my own, for values/moral/ethical reasons but I considered adoption on my own if I didn't meet the right person.

 

Here are things that helped me - a positive attitude, letting all the bad first meets roll off my back, accepting when someone wasn't that into me -and -this is REALLY important -making sure I had good and true friends no matter what their marital/parent status was - and I really worked hard on that -I was in a women's networking group and a book club for example and I was extremely reliable about staying in touch and keeping plans. Women also know single men - and just because they might not be into the particular man, you might be.

 

Please PM me if you like. Good luck.

[Unreasonable]

35 to 45 or so. I have never been attracted to much older men. Also, I don't feel like I have much in common with someone that has a divorce or 2 with grown children behind him when I am just "starting" out.

With all due respect, very few men in "your age group" are just starting out, and I would be awfully worried that they were players if they were. The only disqualifer would be if he didn't want to have kids. That is compounded by the fact that men in "your age group" commonly have a bottom threshold outside of "your age group". Even most of the 45 year-olds will have no qualms about dating a 30 year old. My dad, with 3 kids, got remarried to a 24 year old at 39 and had me at 42. Nobody was the worse for wear. I personally wouldn't do that, but then again I'm not in the dating world right now.

 

I'm not saying to "settle", but you are disqualifying a LOT of men, over things that aren't universally true. If age isn't just a number to you, then you can't really expect someone who would choose you to feel any differently, can you? There is more to have in common than just the fact that someone's been divorced before and has kids.

[catfeeder]

With all due respect, very few men in "your age group" are just starting out, and I would be awfully worried that they were players if they were. The only disqualifer would be if he didn't want to have kids. That is compounded by the fact that men in "your age group" commonly have a bottom threshold outside of "your age group". Even most of the 45 year-olds will have no qualms about dating a 30 year old. My dad, with 3 kids, got remarried to a 24 year old at 39 and had me at 42. Nobody was the worse for wear. I personally wouldn't do that, but then again I'm not in the dating world right now.

 

I'm not saying to "settle", but you are disqualifying a LOT of men, over things that aren't universally true. If age isn't just a number to you, then you can't really expect someone who would choose you to feel any differently, can you? There is more to have in common than just the fact that someone's been divorced before and has kids.

 

Yep, I would agree to at least meet them over a quick coffee. If there's no simpatico, nothing is lost, but if you really hit it off with a parent whose situation isn't even near anything that drives your blanket assumptions, then wouldn't it have been shame to have screened him out before ever even meeting him?

 

You might thank yourself later for moving at least one or two of your dealbreakers to the END of your screening process rather than using them as strict barriers to expanding your meeting pool.

[romjrom]

Most men in that age group would have kids and at the least previously married. A lot of these guys were good enough to be married. I'm 42, I look 35 btw in great physical shape, have a kid, not looking for a mommy to my kid because my kid already has one. I'm looking for a life partner for myself who is healthy, who is LTR material. Not looking to have any more kids either because I want to retire in my mid 50s but that's my personal choice, many would be open to having more kids. When I run into 'never-married' women in my age group that certainly makes me wonder 'why?' and I've been out on dates with several women...none were for me except my ex because from early on (even before I allowed her to meet my kid) she open heatedly accepted me and my kid, talked about doing things together when the timing was right etc- it's why I adored her and wanted to live the rest of my life with her.

 

Anyway, I'd suggest don't assume and filter out potentially some great guys...you can always say no after the first date.

[Batya33]

Most men in that age group would have kids and at the least previously married. A lot of these guys were good enough to be married. I'm 42, I look 35 btw in great physical shape, have a kid, not looking for a mommy to my kid because my kid already has one. I'm looking for a life partner for myself who is healthy, who is LTR material. Not looking to have any more kids either because I want to retire in my mid 50s but that's my personal choice, many would be open to having more kids. When I run into 'never-married' women in my age group that certainly makes me wonder 'why?' and I've been out on dates with several women...none were for me except my ex because from early on (even before I allowed her to meet my kid) she open heatedly accepted me and my kid, talked about doing things together when the timing was right etc- it's why I adored her and wanted to live the rest of my life with her.

 

Anyway, I'd suggest don't assume and filter out potentially some great guys...you can always say no after the first date.

 

Not where I did my dating (in a major city) - many men in their mid-late 30s/early 40s were never married/no kids and wanted both. My search results on line routinely triggered hundreds of matches in my city. It depends.

[Shorthaired]

With all due respect, very few men in "your age group" are just starting out, and I would be awfully worried that they were players if they were. The only disqualifer would be if he didn't want to have kids. That is compounded by the fact that men in "your age group" commonly have a bottom threshold outside of "your age group". Even most of the 45 year-olds will have no qualms about dating a 30 year old. My dad, with 3 kids, got remarried to a 24 year old at 39 and had me at 42. Nobody was the worse for wear. I personally wouldn't do that, but then again I'm not in the dating world right now.

 

I'm not saying to "settle", but you are disqualifying a LOT of men, over things that aren't universally true. If age isn't just a number to you, then you can't really expect someone who would choose you to feel any differently, can you? There is more to have in common than just the fact that someone's been divorced before and has kids.

 

Regardless of "men's bottom threshold", I don't magically move my own standards of who I am attracted to. I acknowledge the inherent unfairness of men having all the time in the world to chase younger women and start families. Sucks for me and it just makes me more depressed.

 

I haven't really ruled out divorced men with kids (in fact my last ex was divorced with kids and that turned to be a trainwreck, mainly due to ex meddling in our relationship through the kids). It's my strong preference for someone not to have kids.

 

Apart from forcing myself to lower my standards because men my age have more options, there is always a choice of just giving up. Love is supposed to happen naturally, yet putting in this much work into meeting someone has yielded zero results. I am sure in a couple of more years when having family is totally off the table, I will come to peace with this. There must be more to life than sitting through sparkless date after date with complete strangers. I just can't do this anymore.

[Unreasonable]

Standards aren't magic. They're arbitrary. 35-45 is a number you simply made up. It doesn't take magic to adjust. There is no magic age where people fall apart, become unattractive on the inside and out, and automatically turn into undesirables.

 

So, how does attraction work for you? Do you see a good looking 50 year old who could pass for 45 and say "Next!"? Would you even give him a chance for one date to see if somehow, his personality is compatible with yours, that he's funny, that has a lot to offer? Is attraction to you purely a physical thing? For every guy you rule out, there's a guy seeing a 39 year old woman who's never been married and says "why?" Or sees that she wants kids and goes "ugh". Do you think that's fair to you? I mean, I want to give you the benefit of the doubt that you're not kind of shallow, but talking about being single forever and freaking out sounds kind of strange coming from somebody who's ruled out a ton of guys she's never met.

[wom360]

Well, the choices are pretty simple. You can be an idealist or you can be married.

[romjrom]

Not where I did my dating (in a major city) - many men in their mid-late 30s/early 40s were never married/no kids and wanted both. My search results on line routinely triggered hundreds of matches in my city. It depends.

 

Of course, any place where there's an abundance of people and you filter results to your criteria you'll still get lots of matches. The point was, OP is filtering out lots of potentially good people and perhaps why not able to find many matches wherever she is. Many people never married into their late 30s and 40s are looking for the purple unicorn based on superficial stuff- this is based on my own personal experience dating several single women in their late 30s and early 40s (also in a major city on the west coast). They want a guy who will knock them off their feet the minute they meet him, his last name is Whalberg or Pitt, who rides a Harley, plays and writes songs, is filthy rich, loves to do the dishes, change kids diapers and completely gets drunk off her looks to never lay eyes on another woman.

[Starlight925]

I re-read your other threads, and I have a couple of timeline questions:

 

1) Your ex who was not-yet-divorced, but had kids, where the ex kept wanting him back and messaging him.....what happened there? How did that end? How long was that relationship?

2) You wrote of one guy who couldn't commit to plans. Is this a different guy? How long did that last, and how did that end?

3) You wrote of another with alcohol issues. Same question: Is this yet a different guy? How long did that last, and how did that end?

[Batya33]

"Apart from forcing myself to lower my standards because men my age have more options, there is always a choice of just giving up. Love is supposed to happen naturally, yet putting in this much work into meeting someone has yielded zero results. I am sure in a couple of more years when having family is totally off the table, I will come to peace with this. There must be more to life than sitting through sparkless date after date with complete strangers. I just can't do this anymore."

 

Love isn't a car wash that washes over you. It's a feeling but mainly when it comes to making a marriage work it's an action -it's about giving. And yes it was a part time job trying to find a husband -that's not about "love finding you" -that's about finding a good match which includes love and chemistry, compatibility, shared goals. Yes, men your age have no biological clock (and you're lucky because when I was in my 30s egg freezing wasn't really a viable option like it still is for you at 39 I believe).

 

Do not lower your standards. Reevaluate them if you want to see if they still make sense. Settling makes no sense at all especially if you want to have a child who's going to model on how you handle your marriage and how you two care about each other. Our son even doesn't like when we "play fight" -and I mean play as in -he gave us each imaginary superpowers and we pretended to use them against each other - so he laughed for a minute and then said "stop!"

[Batya33]

Of course, any place where there's an abundance of people and you filter results to your criteria you'll still get lots of matches. The point was, OP is filtering out lots of potentially good people and perhaps why not able to find many matches wherever she is. Many people never married into their late 30s and 40s are looking for the purple unicorn based on superficial stuff- this is based on my own personal experience dating several single women in their late 30s and early 40s (also in a major city on the west coast). They want a guy who will knock them off their feet the minute they meet him, his last name is Whalberg or Pitt, who rides a Harley, plays and writes songs, is filthy rich, loves to do the dishes, change kids diapers and completely gets drunk off her looks to never lay eyes on another woman.

 

That's a really odd and strange experience you had -not my experience or those of many of my friends and we all got married in our mid-late 30s/early 40s.

[romjrom]

That's a really odd and strange experience you had -not my experience or those of many of my friends and we all got married in our mid-late 30s/early 40s.

 

I'd say your's is the odd and strange experience not mine (most of my friends were married in their early to mid 30s) but regardless our disagreement is not the topic of conversation here.

[Batya33]

I'd say your's is the odd and strange experience not mine (most of my friends were married in their early to mid 30s) but regardless our disagreement is not the topic of conversation here.

 

LOL! I don't think it's odd or strange to live in a city teeming with singles and professionals who on average get married later (I didn't get married later because of my career but on average I'm sure career is a reason to delay marriage, that and advanced schooling, etc.).

Several of my friends got married in their 20s and 30s and still are today, of course. And no negativity on earlier marriage but of course I also saw a nice percentage of the early marrieds get divorced by 40.

 

What is odd and strange is to label women as you did as if they're too picky, etc and all the other criticisms you hurled at them. Maybe true of the particular individual women you met but then of course you have to consider that the common denominator in those experiences was you so it might have to do with your selection process as well

[romjrom]

HAHA! you're a piece a work aren't you? You fail to see that even the OP and a few others that posted here had the same experiences yet you're adamant your 'experience' is how it should be.

[Batya33]

HAHA! you're a piece a work aren't you? You fail to see that even the OP and a few others that posted here had the same experiences yet you're adamant your 'experience' is how it should be.

 

No not at all -never wrote that. You on the other hand posted really negative generalizations about what women in their 30s/40s are looking for. I simply described my own experience and how it was odd/strange that you'd met the women you described -that seemed very extreme and no one but you has described women in that particular way. No failures on my part, no need to be right, either. I feel badly that the OP is having such a pity party -it's not necessary and hopefully my success story gives her some hope/turns things around a bit. On the other hand, lashing out at women in their 30s and 40s as you did -not so helpful to what she is asking for help with, IMHO.

[romjrom]

Wrong again! No one lashed out or made generalizations about women in 30s and 40s. Here's my post that you quoted to interject your 'experiences'.

 

Quote Originally Posted by romjrom View Post

Most men in that age group would have kids and at the least previously married. A lot of these guys were good enough to be married. I'm 42, I look 35 btw in great physical shape, have a kid, not looking for a mommy to my kid because my kid already has one. I'm looking for a life partner for myself who is healthy, who is LTR material. Not looking to have any more kids either because I want to retire in my mid 50s but that's my personal choice, many would be open to having more kids. When I run into 'never-married' women in my age group that certainly makes me wonder 'why?' and I've been out on dates with several women...none were for me except my ex because from early on (even before I allowed her to meet my kid) she open heatedly accepted me and my kid, talked about doing things together when the timing was right etc- it's why I adored her and wanted to live the rest of my life with her.

 

Anyway, I'd suggest don't assume and filter out potentially some great guys...you can always say no after the first date.

[Batya33]

Wrong again! No one lashed out or made generalizations about women in 30s and 40s. Here's my post that you quoted to interject your 'experiences'.

 

Sorry!! I was referring to the post talking about purple unicorns. Was that not yours? Sorry about any confusion.

[catfeeder]

Apart from forcing myself to lower my standards because men my age have more options, there is always a choice of just giving up. Love is supposed to happen naturally, yet putting in this much work into meeting someone has yielded zero results. I am sure in a couple of more years when having family is totally off the table, I will come to peace with this. There must be more to life than sitting through sparkless date after date with complete strangers. I just can't do this anymore.

 

Well, it's obvious why you feel freaked out: black and white thinking.

 

There's plenty of real estate between the two extremes of dropping your standards versus giving up, and none of the options in between force you to sit through sparkless dates.

 

I invested some effort to address with you a valid way to screen people in person, where you can apply specifics to individuals rather than drilling yourself into a panic over blanket assumptions about people you've never met.

 

You can do that if you want, it's not against the law, and none of us are living your life for you, so we don't get a vote. But cynicism and contempt prior to investigation have a way of making people 'old' before their time--and lonely. That's a deliberate decision you can opt to control, or not.

 

For your sake, I hope you'll regroup and reconsider far, far simpler ways to meet people and screen out bad matches without sinking into discouragement or sinking your valuable time into valueless dates. Sure, love is organic and natural--but not if you never meet the person who you can feel natural and organic ~about~.

 

Head high, we're not your adversaries--we're on your side.