NO CONTACT! Any tips that got you through?

[tarheelfan]

I have broken the no contact rule as I explained in an earlier thread. It was a voicemail I left letting her know that if she ever needed anything all she had to do was call. It wasn't sappy... just very pleasant. Okay... not the brightest thing in the world... but it's done and I'm not beating myself up for it.

 

Now... I KNOW I can't call again. You don't have to tell me. I know. And I agree 100%.

 

But my question is.... do you have any tips on how you got through that stage of DESPERATELY wanting to email or call? I know people say just "put it out of your mind" but for me that is easier said than done.

 

Thanks in advance!

[codaaurora]

Well, I can tell you that for each person it is different. I have MAJOR problems sometimes just getting through a day of not picking up the phone and atleast texting him. It's like a diet, what will one little candy bar hurt?

 

Anyway, the way I get through it IS to think about it. Granted for only a few minutes, but then I rationalize with myself about all the reasons why I shouldn't. You see, the hardest part is getting through the SPONTANEOUS need to call. We usually call in a moments notice. After you think about you are able to rationalize it a little better and see the reasons why you shouldn't

 

Another way I get through the bad days is coming on here. It's become an addiction in a way. Helping others, commiserating with them, seeing others going through the same thing helps me to be stronger.

 

Watching movies, reading books, reading, browsing the internet, watching TV, fantasizing about marrying Brad Pitt (I don't know if you'd want to do that but maybe just switch it out for Jen?) Anyway, I do pretty much anything that really makes me happy anf forget the consequences for right now. If it's against my diet or I should be cleaning, I stop feeling guilty about it and just endulge. You'll finally get to a point that your like "I'm bored, my house is a mess, I've gained weight, this sucks." and you'll start doing the things that are right. By then, you won't be so fixated on wanting to call the other person.

 

I also started a personal journal, joined here and on myspace, that helped too. I write out my feelings alot. Especially here, where people can see them and help me from making foolish mistakes.

 

Does any of this help you out? I hope so. Let me know or PM me if you need anything or want to talk further. We're all in the same boat you know?

[tarheelfan]

Oh that helps immensely. It really does. I am going to reread your post MANY times.

 

Here's to US and wishing us GOOD LUCK!

 

 

[lady00]

Gotta keep busy. Do stuff...do work, watch movies, read books, excercise. For me, it helps it I focus on my long-term goals (usually career-wise) and do my best to make sure that my professional future turns out the way I want it to. This really helps me get through difficult breakup situations because not only do you keep busy but you also see that in the long run, there are more important things in your life than your ex and trying to fulfill your long-term goals by taking steps toward them right now will make you feel better about yourself overall.

[codaaurora]

tarheelfan,

 

I'm so glad that I was able to help you out. Like I said, come one here, we really do manage to keep each other sane with some pretty darn good advice. You should have seen me back in December/January. Can you say train wreck? Omg, I was such a mess.

 

Anyway, I really hope to see more of you on here. Oh and by the way, the Cavaliers are SO much cooler than the Tarheels, like for suuuuurrrre! UVA and JMU RULE! LOL

[hockeyboy]

find hobbies and things you enjoy and stick to them. keep youself busy, drown yourself with things to do so that when you finally get home your absolutely exhausted. stay active, dont just find hobbies where your sitting around.

[varactor]

the way that i had mastered this is to think positively, those fellings and emotions are coming from your subconscious mind and you must learn to control you subconscious. the best way i have found to do this is to repeat your goal constantly, before sleeping, after waking, write it down, so you can see it. read a motivational book such as think and grow rich by neoplean hill

 

but the thing that helped me the most was knowing this quote

 

love is whimisical and tempremental, it comes when it pleases and goes without warning, all love experiences are benifical except to the person who becomes cynical or decitful of its departure.

 

spend this time improving your self, dont look at what you had lost, but what you had gain, you had a good experience with a good person, but no your future

 

that is how i do it

[providentielle]

Taking things one day at a time and setting short term goals really helped me. I tried keeping busy but my mind always floated back to him, more times than i wanted it to! It becomes like an obsession. Thinking that the nc was forever was too hard and I knew that time would make things easier but time went so slowly! So I'd wake up in the morning and think I wont call him today. You deal with tomorrow tomorrow, right now I'm not doing it and if I can manage today then I know I can get through it. Good luck

[MsMe]

I think NC is one of the hardest things to do. After all, it was a negative experience that brought you to this point (most likely) and now you have to fight a very strong urge to start over. It's a constant mental and emotional tug of war.

 

At least for me, NC was a lot of trail and error. If I failed, I tried not to beat myself up over it. That would accomplish nothing. I try to tell myself that if I did the best I could and acted reasonably and appropriately, then I had no reason to doubt myself after that. If the person hurt me intentionally, then I had to factor that in and question if I would allow myself to let that happen again. At the same time, I separated what I could and could not control. NC is hard, but at times its necessary. Here's a tip: think of what your life was like before that person entered it. Think of the good times you had and ask yourself the old question. Am I better off with or without him/her? I wish you all the best.

[Idelion]

I'm in the EXACT position you are!! But I haven't made any attempts in contacting her, and believe me.....it's been really really hard!! Just today I wanted to send her an email, but before I made a mistake I asked a friend of mine, and I asked here, so that I would get at least more than one suggestion. So I didn't send her the email. I really want to hear her beautiful voice again, make her laugh and stuff, but hey, what could you do?

The thing that keeps me from making contact besides consulting with others, is to think what can happen if I do (the bad things) and the good things that can happen if I hold. That really keeps me from doing anything, although I'm dying inside just to hear a beep from her, in any form!! I just wonder if she's testing me or has she forgotten about me..

[tarheelfan]

Thanks EVERYONE... I appreciate all of the advice...

 

Idelion, I am so with you on that one. I often wonder if this is some HUGE test to see if I really DO love her, but of course I am fooling myself.

 

And Codaauora... hello from your neighbor to the south! But the CAVS????? Who's NUMBER ONE??????????????????????????????????????????

 

I'm only joshing. Great team. You guys may be betting the old coach from Wake... I live pretty close. He's a great coach.

 

Anyway.... thanks for ALL the words. GO HEELS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[angel1211]

If you truly believe that you want to move on with your life then you will realize that no contact is one of the best remedies. As for me, I did have some urges but not to the point where I gave in because I realize it would set me back and I would hate to start the healing process all over again. That is the biggest reason I would rather not contact her and I would be terribly upset if she had contacted me because she does not respect my feelings. I convinced myself that this is the best prescription to move on and I'm definitely sticking to it, but that's just me.

 

take care

[Idelion]

Well, I contacted her because I was having this gut feeling that was telling me that I wasn't waiting for anything, that it was in vain. So after much consulting I contacted her and sure enough, it was in vain. ...aaaand I also found out that she didn't love me anymore, yep in a week it all went away, waooo!! But I wanted to end in a good way, I was angry at first of course, but I set things straight and told her that I still love her. She told me that she went through the exact same thing I was going through (with her ex), but I said to her that she could be comfortable that at least I really love/d her. I wished her the best after spilling my heart, and that's it. On a high note, I still miss her, a lot , but I have no wish to call her. So this is how it ended for me. I dunno if our paths will unite again, but if that happens, I will accept her, this was the best relationship I ever had.

 

Did I do the right thing??

 

Take care everybody!

[ocean9]

Idelion,

 

I think you did the right thing, because now you have the truth. She is not in love with you. Now you can start to really let this go and heal. Why waste time waiting for a woman to feel differently? Either she is into you, or she is not...and at least she came right out and said she is not. She is not stringing you along, she is doing the right thing by clearly letting you know it's over for her. You can respect her for being upfront like that.

 

It's good that you said how you felt, because she has the truth too. You know that you put it out there, and you received her honest response. You don't have to wonder 'what if' now. When you pour your heart out to another person, when you open up and tell the truth, that is real...and it takes self-respect and integrity to not play head games and pretend not to feel such as you do.

 

I know there are people who would disagree, and say to play it cool, keep your distance, don't show your feelings, and all that nonsense, but what kind of man wants to 'trick' a woman into coming back to him...it's deceptive and manipulative to play head games, especially with a woman you love. In my opinion, you took the high road by keeping it real.

 

If your paths do cross again, she WILL remember that you were open with her, and that you didn't lie about how you felt.

[Idelion]

I do respect her for telling me, she could've told me when I told her about giving her time, but what the hell, it's over now.

 

It's really unfair when you really love someone, I mean, really love someone and not get the same back. But during our whole relationship, i really felt loved, it was like nothing else. Today I thought about her a lot, man, I miss her so much. I'm just going day to day now.

[G76]

Idelion - I am hearing you buddy

 

I really felt me and my fella were going to be together forever - and then he said he didn't love me - way to rip a persons heart out!

 

I still don't want to believe it.

[Idelion]

Man, this is just too hard. I mean, I went out with a friend of mine last nightm went to the movies, and then meet up with a friend of mine. We went to a dance club(which is a first for me ) I dance with with the I met up with. During all this time, you would think that I would be having the time of my life, that it would be distracting me from my ex, but damn! No! During the whole night I thought about her, in the club, after the club, even though I was with a friend of mine watching the sunset and talking about what had happened to me, I was still thinking about her!

 

This is hell, I fricking miss her!! I have no wish to call her, but I try to go on, to have fun, going out with friends and stuff, but no, she is still in my mind! Frequently asking to God that He takes care of her!! Just a few moments ago I talked to her through msn, and her answers were quick and short, in middle of the conversation I asked her if she was busy because I could stop talking to her, she said "oh please xxxxx". I don't if she took the wrong way, or got a little angry or anything since I couldn't see her. But what I ask was true, I didn't ask her to that to find out what was she doing. A few minutes later she logged off almost suddenly. Sometimes her connection fails so I thought it was that, I hope.

 

I can't believe how much I miss her! I pray to God to help me with this. I didn't do anything to deserve this! Especially to her!! No fights, just a relationship with good moments! Why do things like this happen to the best relationships?? And the troubled ones keep on going!? Where is the logic in all of this!? I know things happen for a reason, and I thought that my past relationships showed me a lot, but again?!, what do I have to learn now??

[angel1211]

Idelion,

 

it seems as though you are still in shock and denial. this is very natural and a process you are going through. are you currently doing no contact? what i did for myself was to get rid of my ex from all my instant messaging lists so i cant see when she's online and vice versa. give it a couple of weeks with absolutely no contact in any way even through your computer and your mind can start to refocus. i know TIME seems like forever but it will pass. hang in there bud.

 

"If you love something set it free, if it doesn't come back, hunt it down and kill it"

[Idelion]

That's it. I've blocked her on my list, but couldn't delete her. A girl friend of mine says that while my ex and I are chating, she just answers my questions, she doesn't comment about anything, like an obligation to respond. It's really weird why she's acting like that when I'm supposedly the best man who treated her.

 

I would like to know from girls why do you (not all of you, just the ones that appy to this) act like this? What do think when you don't see you ex (the dumpee) online, I mean during the no contact stage? Do you miss him? And if yes, after what amount of time have you started to miss him? If someone can answer it would be really great! I'm not critizing anyone, just want to clear some doubts

[Idelion]

Oh and hawaii 5-0, what happened when you began the no contact stage? Did she contact you ? Did it end well?

[angel1211]

its very different for each person. i decided on no contact for myself because i wanted to get better. i didnt want to prolong my pain. she wanted to be friends right away which is very impossible after ending a serious relationship. it was a tough decision but in order to possibly have a friendship down the road (which might never happen, but anything is possible) i needed my space from her which meant no contact in any shape or form. of course, this upset her but she made a choice for herself and thereforeeee, i made a choice for myself too. she says that not only was i her bf but her best friend and she didnt want to lose that too. it was hard but it has been over 5 weeks and i have no regrets.

 

she has tried to find some ways to contact me. we work in the same building and have common coworkers who are friends. it turns out that they have become her way in keeping tabs on me. thats fine, as long as it doesnt end up into being a stalker.

 

i ran into her a week ago and it was very awkward and it stirred up old feelings. i kept my cool, hid my emotions and said hello, that was it. that made me realize that i still need more time and definitely no contact.

 

since 5 weeks ago, i have not the urge to contact her. dont know why, i guess i realize that fighting it would not change a thing. i told myself that i would rather invest that energy that i could have wasted on chasing her into me. im really proud of myself for doing that. i hope this helps you in some way. stay strong

[Idelion]

Wow, my friend, you are strong!! I'm learning that the hard way. Today when I chat with her, I really wanted to see how was she doing and stuff, but the way she answered me, she didn't ask me anything, just answered. I'm beginning to see your point, because I felt worse after talking to her, ironic huh!? I blocked her soon after.

 

One question: Would you answer if she contacted you, lets say....by calling you?

[Idelion]

Wao. I can't say more. You do have the strenght to overcome this, I'm not that strong yet, but slowly I am.

 

In my case, If my ex called, I would pick up the call, and talk normal, only is she brings up the topic about us only then I would talk about it.