My ex has left me to grieve more for his late wife

[LouiseTW]

Hi, I met my partner 9 months ago and it was a whirlwind. We fell deeply in love. He is a widower of now 17 months. He has spent the last 9 months telling me I was helping him to heal and it has been magical. Suddenly, on holiday last week, he announced he hadn't grieved properly and I needed to leave him to be on his own. He says he still loves me and feels terribly guilty. My kids and i moved in with him just two months ago (into a totally new house) and now we have to find somewhere new to live. I could kick myself for not thinking this might happen and putting the brakes on a bit, but he was so convincing and persistent. Should I cut him loose forever or be contactable once we move out for when he gets over this phase in his grief?

[ThatwasThen]

You moved your children in with a man that you only knew for 9 months? O.O

 

Please do not subject your children to your romantic interests so early on... now they too will have to grieve the loss of a man they have gotten used to being in their life just like you have to.

 

Google rebound relationship and read about what you were in so that you don't fall into that dynamic again. You were there to help him grieve and now that he is feeling better, has is confidence back and is ready to explore singlehood, you're not a priority anymore.

 

Up to you if you want to wait around but I suspect that you'll find him on dating sites searching for someone new and his "grieving" won't be such of a priority. I hope for your sake I'm wrong.

[pippy longstocking]

I second TWT .....sorry to say you cushioned his grief for him , you distracted him , you gave him company , he avoided the pain by jumping in with you .... now it has hit him ...and he needs to do this ! I am sure he didn't set out to hurt or use you ...walk away and never look back .

[melancholy123]

I agree with Pippy. Please learn from this and dont dive in so fast with another guy, especially since you have kids.

[dundermiflin]

It kind of does sound like an excuse; moving in together especially with kids that aren't his, might have made things stressful for him in ways that he didn't expect. Kicking you all out of the house is crappy; if he loves you then why not work it out with you still there. I don't think it's going to be good with him again You don't have to slam the door on him but stay away from him, let him know he hurt you, and try to find someone else. If he really loves you he will have to work hard to get back your trust.

[HeartGoesOn]

Cut him loose forever. Hopefully your children will recover from this trauma. Please put them first, as they have no voice in this.

[MissCanuck]

It was far too soon for such a serious relationship for him. I have not lost a husband, but I have a lost a boyfriend and the grief from that was all-encompassing and very difficult to manage. I cannot imagine losing a spouse. He will need a much longer time to heal and be truly ready to move forward. A new partner is generally not the way to heal to from the loss of a former one, though I am sure he did enjoy your company and did not pursue you with malicious intentions.

 

You should have better judgment too, OP. 7 months is way too fast to move your children in with a new man.

 

You would be best to walk away altogether. There is no telling how long he will need to work through this bereavement, or even if he will feel the same way about you once he does.

[dave4443]

I wouldn't say walk away forever, this man could be one of the best in the world you never know, but he does need time to grieve, and I'm sure he feels terrible about needing the space but I'd give it him for now, and build things slowly with him afterwards

[abitbroken]

Yup - you moved in too fast. His request is legitimate. He only lost his wife a year and a half ago -- that's a nanosecond. And even if he is persistent --- you need to listen to your gut. No moving the kids in with a man unless there is a wedding date and you have dated at least 2 years

[TiredOfDating]

Hi, I met my partner 9 months ago and it was a whirlwind. We fell deeply in love. He is a widower of now 17 months. He has spent the last 9 months telling me I was helping him to heal and it has been magical. Suddenly, on holiday last week, he announced he hadn't grieved properly and I needed to leave him to be on his own. He says he still loves me and feels terribly guilty. My kids and i moved in with him just two months ago (into a totally new house) and now we have to find somewhere new to live. I could kick myself for not thinking this might happen and putting the brakes on a bit, but he was so convincing and persistent. Should I cut him loose forever or be contactable once we move out for when he gets over this phase in his grief?

 

So you've been with him 9 months, he's been a widower for 17. If I'm doing my math right, it means his wife had only been gone for 8 months.

 

You said it yourself, you should have known to put the brakes on. Especially considering you moved your children in with a guy you'd only been with for 7 months.

 

My ex BF did something very similar. He had been married 16 years. His wife blindsided him last May with news of an affair and asking for a separation. He thought it was temporary, she knew she was done. I always had it in the back of my head that I was most likely a rebound. But like you said, he was very convincing, always said I was helping him heal, how happy I made him, how lucky he was to have me in his life, he didn't deserve such unconditional love. Blah blah blah.

 

And then a week after spending NYE together, he broke up with me out of nowhere, citing that he needs to be on his own.

 

I suggest, get you and your children situated. Let him know you're there to talk if need be, but set boundaries. Don't put your life on hold. Don't involve your children again. Don't hold out a lot of hope. If you're available when he reaches out and still feel you can work it out, do what feels right.