Amazing - Saw Ex - Stayed Strong - Look at the results...

[Myknosis]

This is an update on what happeend today. After three weeks of complete silence, my ex called me at work to tell me that she received some of my mail that was inadvertently sent to her new apartment. I told her that I had some of her mail and asked her if she wanted to join me for lunch to trade mail. She said yes!

 

Background: we've been together for 7 years, married three years, she is 22 years old, and did a 180 degree turn telling me she is leaving, filing divorce, changing her name to her maiden name, and trying to find herself and connect spiritually to herself.

 

The last 6 weeks have been the absolute worse weeks in my life. I cried, I've lost weight, I tried to do things to stay on top of my emotions. I found this website and I was amazed that so many people have experienced what I have gone through. I was absolutely sure that I was the only guy who ever experienced this 180. In fact, I discovered that my case wasn't as bad as some who have suffered a greater devastation from their break-ups after kids and years of togertheness and seeing and hearing of their significant others going to another and having sex.

 

How she was: My ex looked good. She looked happy and beautiful and my tendency was to melt in front of her and I wanted so bad to tell her that I loved her and wanted her back. But I didn't. I determined to stay strong and keep a smile on my face. In the course of my discussion with her, I expected the worse (i.e. she is have sex with other guys) but discovered that she is not with someone else, that she has been busy working, going to school, and buying new clothes. She has also attempted to re-connect with her childhood girlfriends (who are all getting married by the way) and her family (whom she left some years ago).

 

When she asked me how I was doing I could have crumbled, but I stayed strong like all of the people on this site suggested. I kept my code to keep absolute no contact with her - no e-mail, no phone, no sight, etc. She reached out to me for a small reason (i.e. mail) and we met for lunch. I kept my chin up, held my shoulders back, smiled, and kept totally on top of my emotions never showing her that I was dying inside.

 

I told her that I was going out with friends, learning to do latin and line dancing, doing counseling and gaining strength daily to overcome what I perceived to be my character flaws of jealousy and control, starting my music again, exercising, working on my MBA, and fixing up my house (which she quitclaimed deeded her share over to me). I even told her that all of my friends, family, colleagues, and communty contacts (all who we shared) have been so supportive of me.

 

Her reaction: I was expecting a stone cold reaction at ground zero degrees like I received when she left. But amazingly I noticed that her neck and chest were completely blushed and her eyes were completely dilated. I was getting a reaction from her - one that I had not seen since we first dated. Only one of two explanations for that reaction - either she was extremely nervous to be with me or she was turned on by me. Craziest and the most unexpected reaction I ever saw.

 

She commented that she liked my haircut and how good I looked since I lost some weight (ok - a lot of weight). She asked me about my job and I told her the truth - that my name is in the runing as one of the top three candidates for a promotion in my organization which surprised her and compelled her to offer congratualtions.

 

My Expectations: I still expect the worse from her though. I have to as a protective measure so I don't go insane waiting for any glimmer of hope. I know she probably won't call me again for a very long time. No reason to. I told her that I'm doing great and moving on without her - all without really saying it. I feel she doesn't need to call me any longer now.

 

Did I do right? I feel great and on a high for being so strong due to all of the advice that I have read here, but let me tell you all - I could have and still could easily form a quick attitude and begin to descend into my abyss of crying and pleading and longing. She looked so good and after seeing what options I have in my area - she by far is one of the most beautiful woman in the area.

 

I don't know if she will ever come back. I can't expect it. I need to continue to grow for myself and gain strength for myself. I passed today's test, but what will tomorrow hold. I'm just ready and waiting for the day she tells me that she found someone new and is in love with him.

 

To all you out there (especially girls) what do you think went through her mind and is going through her mind after today's lunch?

 

Understanding what kind of reaction she could have to what I did could be very helpful to all of us here who are experiencing this....

[Heretic]

Congrats!

 

You're an inspiration to us all.

[ReverendRave]

I wish I can be as strongas you emotionally. Certainly the right thing to do!

[Myknosis]

Let me tell you all that this was not easy. I'm actually dying here and I feel like I need to begin again with my building of strength. I feel like I used up all of my reserves and I need time to recharge.

 

This was the most difficult thing I ever did. To deny yourself and bite your tongue. Trust me I would have preferred more time so that I can be stronger.

 

But I held strong like Rocky in that final round. What do you all think went through her mind? What do you think she is thinking right now? Do you think I showed her that I am moving on and now she longer needs to contact me?

[cruisin]

Myknosis,

 

You ask how you think your ex saw you and yes, from what you describe I'd say she was very impressed. Who wouldn't be? That's why people come together, are blown away by each other. Because everyone is on their best behavior and only showing the good, strong, positive aspects of him or herself.

 

My guy of quite a long time, with whom I'd been through so much with, just left me for someone else and he did that amidst lots of criticism of how I should be more this, more that. I didn't say anything but I could say the same for him. But whether it'd be nice if he smiled more or was more optimistic, more positive, more whatever, that's just it, we're humans and have faults and down days and rough times and weaknesses and I mean, thank God we do. Can you imagine how hard it would be to be with somebody perfect all the time?

 

So, what I'm saying, is that you sound like you're harboring all this hope of getting back with someone who walked out on you, who didn't stick with you and obviously you're not some slacker. But you are human, so when the "faults" come to the surface, even if your ex was back with you, would she stay. Do you want to be with someone who doesn't stick with you through the not-so-strong, not-so-pretty times, but you have to keep maintaining a facade of perfection for?

[Myknosis]

What you say is a good point. Everyone on this sight keeps saying that if you had to see your ex then stay strong, but it was hard. My wife left me to find herslef, I just wanted to show that I was someone worth having. My ego has been shot down because of her leaving and I was glad to see that I still got a reaction off of her. But no - I can't play this game each day that we are together if she does come back.

[IamLost]

Myknosis:

 

I think she is sad inside because she can see that you are doing fine without her (even though you may really not be). Believe it or not, she does not know that. We question the other person SO much when we're away from them.... it's like we become insecure or something like "I'm sure he thinks I'm such a loser" No he doesn't! (In my case)... I always think my ex thinks this or that.... but in reality, he thinks I'm being strong and moving on. Ha! What a joke. He has no idea.

 

I think this has raised a lot of question in her mind that you are falling apart- and it should. Why should you be at her mercy? I know this break up/divorce is still VERY new, so the pain is very raw, so I do not really want to criticise her.

[cruisin]

Myknosis,

 

It's hard to understand what's going on in anyone else's relationship, let alone one's own at times! but when somebody leaves it's a horrible blow to anyone, especially when it's sudden and unexpected as you say it was with you. It's not right to do things that way.

 

I feel for you when you say how hard it was for you. I know it must have been, especially when you go on to say you wanted to show that you were someone worth having. Of course, you were someone worth having! I mean, she didn't leave saying you were a good-for-nothing. She said she wanted to find herself. Please don't start berating yourself. I know it's something we all do though. But stop it.

 

I think when people do this, which is really what this guy did to me just recently, that it's a sign of a lack of regard for the other, especially when the breakup is done so heartlessly, so cruelly. I don't mean a lack of regard because you're unworthy but probably just because the person leaving in this way is quite selfish.

 

I'm trying to not be too harsh because I don't know the whole situation of course but from what you describe it sounds to me like you're throwing yourself away on someone who just doesn't appreciate you. If it were just a matter of incompatibility then there's no reason for the abrupt manner in which she dumped you. People leave relationships all the time, there are breakups all the time but most of them are done with a lot of respect, talking and a general mutual agreement, even if one party doesn't want the breakup. People who dump people have other problems. This is where I'm saying it's sad to see you trying so hard.

 

It's probably not you at all so please don't think that. It hurts so much probably because it all seems so illogical. It is! So please continue to stay strong amidst your pain!

[reborn]

You are trully an inspiration to us as someone else said before. More important or as important as her reaction is the fact that though you were crumbled inside you kept up your dignity and you showed her that you are amazing with or without her. That gives so much power to you and in her eyes, no matter what she feels, she certainly feels respect for you. So do I .

 

If I see my stupid ex again I will remember you and do the same. Chin up, smile, shoulders back. And great attitude. Congrats! Keep it up. No contact. She will probably come around again. Be patient, be calm, try to focus on other things, and when you wanna contact her write to me on the forum or post again.

 

Congrats again! I know how hard it is to keep calm in the presense of someone who has hurt us so. You showed her you are more powerful! You make us dumped folks proud!

[Myknosis]

Thanks for your encouraging words. You know its off and on and I try to stay strong. Guess what happened? My ex called me and we have talked. No changes but I am sure she is wondering what is going on. I did buy her three red roses to show her that I do love her but also that I'm not hoping for an unrealistic expecation that we'll get back together. I shocked her. Just imagine - to show love and caring even after she hurt me (oh yes I made sure she knew that she made a mistake) seemed to give me more empowerment.

 

I needed to do it so I won't live through life with regrets. I don't want to ask the question months from now - "what if I would have said or done this or that?" I've done all that I can do now and now I can bring closure. I told her all of this. I think she is still in shock today.

 

Anyway, I'm learning and realizing that people shouldn't be the cause of your happiness.