Boyfriend Spending Time W/ friend

[xmrth]

My boyfriend seems to be spending all his time with his friend who came back from the war in Iraq. He's only going to be back for 2 weeks.

 

My problem is not knowing if this is "okay." I don't think it is because I think he is going too far with seeing him everyday for the past 4 days now, and seeing him 3 separate times yesterday, and going on twice today.

 

He would have come to see me yesterday, but I decided against it because by the time he would have, it was late and I had alot of work I had to do.

 

They are good friends, but I don't think they're best friends. He says "he's like a brother" and whatnot..

I don't have ANY close friends that I could even try to understand his feelings on this. I don't see how he could want to see his friend so bad.

 

Does anyone else have a very close friend who is at war? If they came back for 2 weeks would you most likely spend this kind of time with them?

I just feel left out.. and wonder if I'm being selfish. I mean this guy could die at war and he'd never see him again. And yet, I can't help but feel that it isn't right. He is seeing me tomorrow as he promised.. I can stop feeling that's not enough. But I feel selfish.. because he's only here 2 weeks. =\

[Drizown]

Just give it time. I mean your right... he COULD have died, so maybe your boyfriend is just grateful to have him back because he missed him. If they're like brother, thats like a guy saying a bestfriend. Generally guys dont use the term "bestfriend" but from what I've heard... like a brother is the equivilant. Your bf just missed his friend that's all. Eventually things will be back to normal. Until then just be supportive and remind him that you like to see him too. Immagine what you'd feel if your bestfriend returned... and could have died.

[annie24]

when I see a friend that I haven't seen in a long time, I try to spend as much time with them possible. I think it is normal. If they're like brothers, they're probably catching up, and talking about how things are going. If he's been at war, there is obviously a lot to talk about. The experiences his friend is having are probably very difficult, and he needs to share what is happening.

 

And, like you said, the friend, being at war, may die. I'm sure that your bf is aware of this, and wants to spend every second with his best friend, just in case.

 

And plus, you said he offered to see you yesterday, but you told him no. and you said you'll see your bf tomorrow. So, it's not like he isn't trying to spend time with you.

 

I'd say, don't worry. I think this is totally normal. Before you know it, the friend will be out of town.

 

Perhaps you should try to find some close friends too.

 

good luck!

[DN]

Remember that his friend is in the Army in Iraq in somewhat dangerous circumstances. He only has two weeks leave and it is not inconceivable that he may not come home. That may well be in your boyfriend's mind.

 

I think you should be more supportive of your boyfriend for the short time he has to spend with his friend. Try to curb your jealousy and be glad that he is a loyal and supportive friend - it probably means he will be loyal and supportive to you.

[xmrth]

My biggest problem is that I simply CANNOT try to put myself in my boyfriends place.. I don't have any friends that are so close to me, and if the ones that I have went to war, I imagine myself seeing them a few times, but no this much. But then again, maybe I'd be different and be just like him.. I just don't know with this.

It's just so hard for me to understand what's going on and if I am right or wrong.. I'm definitely wrong, but there's that voice inside that says "he shouldn't be with someone THAT much." but then I think that's bad to say. I'm just not used to this..

Believe me when I say I feel bad posting this because his poor friend could die and here I am complaining they're spending so much time together

I keep telling my boyfriend to have fun and that I understand his friend could die and that's why you probably want to see him. I tell him I understand but afterwards I do feel hurt and in a way, replaced. I really shouldn't, aghh..

[DN]

It is good that you recognise that you should not feel this way. Now you have to try to find out why you do:

 

Are you insecure about your relationship?

Do you not trust him?

Do you think he does not love you?

Have you had a boyfriend let you down before?

 

Some self analysis may help you realise more about yourself and help you in your relationship with your boyfriend.

[melrich]

My question would be why aren't you going to see him as well? If you want to spend time with your b/f (as you would) why can't you go and see his friend too?

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with him seeing his friend so much in the circumstances but if he spends so much time with friends and you are not invited then you have a problem.

[xmrth]

DN:

I feel that I am feeling this way because I literally have one friend (and somehow made about 5 in one day last week, haha) and I don't have any others I've been close to. I put myself in his place and I think "how could he just want to see his friend this much?"

It's more of not being able to understand how he could care so much to see someone that often.

It's not trust issues or anything like that.

 

Richgabe:

My boyfriend doesn't invite me because it's just the guys (over the weekend it was until very late//early), and yesterday and today it's just them two. I don't even know this person, I've probably met him once years ago. I'd probably be in the way if I were with them.. as in they're watching baseball and jogging together. I don't really care to go even if I was invited to go along. I don't invite him out when I'm with a friend either.

[melrich]

Well nights out "with the boys" are OK occasionally but if really if you guys are in a committed relationship I don't think it is really fair for your b/f not to include you in his whole life. You say this guy is like a brother to him (or he does) yet you have only met him once. How long have you been together?

[xmrth]

We've been together for 5 years. I don't really like going out hanging with his friends. The one time I met him was the last time I ever wanted to.. they just sit around and drink, watch the game, play pool and whatnot, and I'm bored being there. It's just not something I like to do.

[melrich]

OK well i guess in that case it sounds like really the issue is flip flopped a bit. It's not that your b/f is not spending time with his friend at your expense it is more that you don't want to spend that time with him while he is with his friends.

 

I guess you have to ask yourself is that a sustainable situation in a long term relationship. If you don't like his friends he is going to continue to live this whole other life that you are not involved in and you can't really expect him to give up seeing his friends because you don't like them (unless they are doing something wrong towards you).

 

If you are going to stay in the relationship you will have to find a way to get some balance happening and accept that your b/f will be spending a bit of time away from you.

[annie24]

I gotta go with gabe on this one. 5 years and you've only met his friends once? For the last guy I had a relationship with, I hung out with him and his friends in a group like, 5 times in one month.

 

Yeah, it doesn't sound like he doesn't want you there --- it sounds more like you don't want to be there.

 

I don't know what to tell you.... honestly, I think his behavior is totally normal, and I do think it's a bit odd not to spend some time with the bfs friends, unless they are obnoxious or mean towards you.

[xmrth]

aggh this is why I don't like posting here as much anymore. Everything I say gets turned around on me. This isn't even what this post is about.

 

I don't hang out with his friends because I am bored-- meaning it's usually just him and one other friend which is what makes it boring. When it's a guys night, it's two hours away at a friends house where they usually get together, in which I can't go anyway because it's a weekend thing and I have work the next day, and he would be my ride, and he drinks. In which case he stays the night.

Since most of his friends went away to the war, it's just me and him. And because of that, I'm just not used to this.

[melrich]

Lol...I guess I can understand your frustration that the post seems to have turned around on you. I also understand that you want to spend more time with your b/f and that this particular time he is spending with his friend is frustrating for you.

 

Things is, the advice you were most likely going to get was to go with him. But now you say you don't want to, you find it boring etc. So really what I am saying is that you should think about that and find some balance. You will have to accept that he will want to spend time with his friends and you will not want to go with him. He will have to accept that he has to spend appropriate time with you.

 

To me the issue that falls out of that is can you sustain that situation where he sort of has this separate social life that seems to be outside the boundaries of your relationship. you guys probably need to address that at some stage.

[annie24]

We're not trying to turn it around on you. Sometimes when people post (myself included!) it brings up other issues that are actually at the base of the problem.

 

Just my opinion... I think he's not doing anything wrong. Like I and some others have said - this man is like his brother - he could very easily die. Turn on the news - like every day, there are reports of American fatalities in Iraq. It's a dangerous place right now, and your bf wants to spend time with his buddy, knowing that this may very well be the last time he sees him. Hopefully not, but you never know. And, your bf IS making an effort to see you also during this time, so it's not like your bf fell off the face of the planet for 2 weeks.

 

You said yourself that you don't have any close friends like that. What about a sister or a cousin? I think that friendships are a very important part of life, just as important as having a career, family, hobbies, and a romantic relationship. I think you may get to understand your bf a little better if you had some close gfs you could hang out with sometimes.

[xmrth]

I agree we should spend time with eachothers friends because it's like being included in another part of our lives, but things don't work that way for us.. I for one don't have all sorts of friends and now that I'm in college I'm only just starting to make some and whatnot. The time for him to come with me hasn't occurred yet. I don't think he knows I'm bored with him and his friends anymore because I havn't told him anything like that in a while. Since it's been so long there's no reason for me to tell him. I may not even be bored, but my boyfriend is kind of quiet and I am too so it's hard for me to get in and have a good time with his friends, especially when it's just him and one other guy. I can see us sharing friends more than inviting eachother out with one another's. I think that's more how we are-- but we haven't become that yet. We live a good distance away from eachother that we might not make friends with the same people. We'd probably be friends with other couples anyway rather than individual people.

[DN]

Hey xmrth - I didn't realise it was you!!! Sorry, didn't look at the name.

Remember what we talked about with PDAs and how to deal with that? Maybe you could try that again!!

[Hope75]

It's only for 2 weeks, and I think your bf's behaviour is totally normal. When my friend who lives on the other side of the country comes to visit, I try and spend as much time as possible with her b/c I know it could be some time before I see her again.

 

With your bf's friend going back to Iraq I imagine that feeling is tenfold. Give him the space and time to spend with his friend for these few weeks, but def. work more on developing friendships with your school mates as well, it will help you to have people to hang with in the future when your bf is busy.

[RayKay]

I think it is normal for him to want to spend a lot of time with his friend if he is only on leave a couple weeks and he is in a war situation - while we might not always hear ALL the reports, more than 1,500 soldiers have died over there from the US, and more than 11,000 have been injured. Those are realities your boyfriend probably realizes, but is not voicing (some people just don't say those sorts of things or talk about their fears). If this guy is like a brother to him, he may worry about him "like a brother" as well.

 

It is only for a couple weeks, so bear with it and if you can, even if you DO find it boring maybe go along once or twice. Sometimes what our partner does is not always the MOST fun for us, but it is good to share our partners lives to some degree and that includes their friends. You don't have to go back home with the friends after all

[xmrth]

His friend has gone back to Iraq about 5 days ago, and things are back to normal and I've seen him 4 out of those 5 days.

I just feel bad that I let it upset me

[Hope75]

Don't kick yourself for being upset, just try to see things from his point of view. The time spent with his friend was obviously very important to him and you stepping back and giving him that time I'm sure meant alot, and he now has time to show his appreciation to you for it!