I Worry that I Shouldn't Have Done nc

[valavoo]

Hi guys,

 

Today's forecast is 80 degrees with a chance of overthinking!

 

I have another breakup related thread, but I think this deserves it's own thread.

 

If you want to read my full situation, go over here -->

 

BUT the TL is my boyfriend of 5 years left me about 2 months ago, I decided to try and be friends for about two weeks (but I pretty much immediately wanted him back), but after reading all (probably literally 95%) the breakup advice online I decided to go nc for a month. I told him that I needed time to heal and that I couldn't be friends and blah.

 

But...after reading stories on here of people who remained in contact with an ex, even some that wanted to get them back...I'm doubting my decision. Before I went 'nc', he would pretty willingly want to talk to me/hang out with me frequently. After nc? He reaches out but not nearly as much. Our conversations seem less trusting.

 

Do you think I messed up? I almost feel like I would have had a better chance at reconciliation if I hadn't disappeared. I worry that I hurt him or made him think I was being petty or something. Thoughts?

[mustlovedogs]

Was he worried about hurting you when he broke up with you?

[Tomthumb88]

have you expressed that you'd like to reconcile or does he think you are ok bring friends?

[valavoo]

Mustlovedogs - no, obviously XD XD

 

And Tom thumb, yeah I did. I made it very clear.

[Tomthumb88]

Think you're doing to right thing then.. In fact I might tell him it hurts to speak to him since you have no choice but to move on

[seanryder]

Ultimately what do you want? I guess it's having a relationship once again with this guy.

 

If you stay in contact you run the risk of damaging yourself emotionally and never really being able to move on. Most people think when they're in a bad situation that things can't get any worse.......things can ALWAYS get worse.

 

If you want him to come back of his own free will, stay NC. If you want to try and talk him round, by all means stay in contact and try and change his mind....but ultimately if that happens you will feel that it only happened because you 'talked' him into it. Personally I would want to feel that that person was with me because I was the one person they wanted to be with for their own reasons.

 

It's up to you. What do you want? And what is the best way of getting it?

[valavoo]

Ultimately what do you want? I guess it's having a relationship once again with this guy.

 

If you stay in contact you run the risk of damaging yourself emotionally and never really being able to move on. Most people think when they're in a bad situation that things can't get any worse.......things can ALWAYS get worse.

 

If you want him to come back of his own free will, stay NC. If you want to try and talk him round, by all means stay in contact and try and change his mind....but ultimately if that happens you will feel that it only happened because you 'talked' him into it. Personally I would want to feel that that person was with me because I was the one person they wanted to be with for their own reasons.

 

It's up to you. What do you want? And what is the best way of getting it?

 

That is the age old question isn't it. I've been asking myself the same thing...right now, I'm just not initiating any contact. If he does, he does. It's been working sorta. But we'll see. Thank you for replying!!

[bbogdanov]

You can't make him want to be in a relationship with you. He initiated the breakup, so if there's a chance for you to get back together - he must want it. Till then - live your life like he's not coming back and keep NC!

[Capricorn3]

What was the reason for the break up?

[Rustysuit]

NC isn't a golden rule that must be followed at all times. It exists because it works and its point isn't to get your ex back (even though that's what we all want). NC exists so YOU can heal and do your best to move on.

 

Try as you might, you'll never move on or heal as long as keep in touch with the person that broke you. Sure, the person will throw you crumbs and you'll keep gnawing at them for days and days wondering what it all meant, but is that what you really want? Crumbs? Or the whole f*cking bread?

 

Keep in touch if you really feel like it, but don't be surprised if you're friendzoned while he sees other people.

On the other hand, it can really happen that keeping in touch will spark the feelings again, but I wouldn't count on it. Every interaction with this person is a reminder of the things you went through, it's like reliving the breakup all over again.

 

Ultimately, it's up to you, but remember that NC works because it HEALS YOU and removes your ex out of the picture completely (which is the thing that needs to be done).

[Tomthumb88]

I'm approaching 30 days NC.. sometimes I feel like reaching out but I fight the urge. She knows how I feel so it's on her to change the present

[Doc Blaze]

Idk where people have been getting this magical 30 days no contact thing from.... NC is to heal.

 

 

Second and ive been seeing a lot of this on here is your last statement asking if you messed up because you went NC.

 

He broke up with you, you need to do whatever is best for yourself.

 

I read that he started hanging out with friends more and canceled on you or something.

[Tomthumb88]

Never said it was magical.. just that it had been that long.

And the OP is hoping to get back with her ex, not just move on

[Doc Blaze]

Never said it was magical.. just that it had been that long.

And the OP is hoping to get back with her ex, not just move on

 

I wasn't referring to you but if the shoe fitssssss....

 

 

yeah you don't get your ex back by contacting them. they broke up with you. they know where to find you. they know how to get in touch, OPs bf knows where she stands

 

there is no reason for communication at all unless you want to reopen a world of hurt.

 

 

if it wasn't your fault, continue NC, if the ex contacts you then deal with it.

[Tomthumb88]

In my case.. I shut down the unfulfilling "friends" thing and told her to contact me if she wanted to try again..

guess it's possible that I'll never hear from her again

[valavoo]

Whoa hi. I didn't see the debate going on on my thread. I'm gonna keep doing what I'm doing for now. Thanks for all the input guys.

[saluk]

You can hurt or help your chances, but the coming back has to come from the other person. The reason we recommend NC on here is it is the least likely course of action to hurt your chances - where limited or normal contact, trying to stay friends etc, have a whole hose of pitfalls that can be associated with them.

 

I read your backstory a bit and definitely think you are on the right track. Not to reconcile, but to move forward with your life. I really hope that he figures himself out to the point that he will be at the point that you make sense as a couple again - and he knows exactly where you stand. But from the sound of it he has no idea where HE stands and is on a personal journey that will drag you down, and he is not interested in having you join him on. The way you talk about his reactions to you sounds like someone who has mentally moved on a while ago. And when that happens, I don't think there is much you can do to sway the person to come back around. I see zero regret from him (in your descriptions) that the two of you broke up, and besides hoping that he didn't hurt you too bad, he doesn't seem to miss you that much.

 

Sorry you are going through this. I do really believe you are on the right track, and stay the course. I believe your best shot is that he figures out what he wants out of life and realizes that it was you all along - but he has to figure that out on his own. Meanwhile, don't let this breakup derail your other hopes and dreams. You've got things to do and places to go!

[valavoo]

You can hurt or help your chances, but the coming back has to come from the other person. The reason we recommend NC on here is it is the least likely course of action to hurt your chances - where limited or normal contact, trying to stay friends etc, have a whole hose of pitfalls that can be associated with them.

 

I read your backstory a bit and definitely think you are on the right track. Not to reconcile, but to move forward with your life. I really hope that he figures himself out to the point that he will be at the point that you make sense as a couple again - and he knows exactly where you stand. But from the sound of it he has no idea where HE stands and is on a personal journey that will drag you down, and he is not interested in having you join him on. The way you talk about his reactions to you sounds like someone who has mentally moved on a while ago. And when that happens, I don't think there is much you can do to sway the person to come back around. I see zero regret from him (in your descriptions) that the two of you broke up, and besides hoping that he didn't hurt you too bad, he doesn't seem to miss you that much.

 

Sorry you are going through this. I do really believe you are on the right track, and stay the course. I believe your best shot is that he figures out what he wants out of life and realizes that it was you all along - but he has to figure that out on his own. Meanwhile, don't let this breakup derail your other hopes and dreams. You've got things to do and places to go!

 

Oh man, kind words but harsh outcome. To hear that he doesn't miss me at all sucks - makes me see myself in a pretty negative light. I totally understand what you're saying, however, especially what I presented here. There are a couple other details regarding how he feels but I don't think they're earth shattering enough to include in my updates. In any case, I'm trying my best not to let this derail me from everything, though I seem to be going through a dark period these past couple of days.

[Rustysuit]

Oh man, kind words but harsh outcome. To hear that he doesn't miss me at all sucks - makes me see myself in a pretty negative light. I totally understand what you're saying, however, especially what I presented here. There are a couple other details regarding how he feels but I don't think they're earth shattering enough to include in my updates. In any case, I'm trying my best not to let this derail me from everything, though I seem to be going through a dark period these past couple of days.

 

We've all been there.

Hell, I am there as well.

 

As this forum names goes, "you're not alone". Break ups suck and only those who experienced it recently can remember exactly what it's like because it's so unbelievably bad and earth-shattering, but you're still here. You're still talking, you're still reaching out.

 

You rock, girl.

Keep on rocking.

[valavoo]

We've all been there.

Hell, I am there as well.

 

As this forum names goes, "you're not alone". Break ups suck and only those who experienced it recently can remember exactly what it's like because it's so unbelievably bad and earth-shattering, but you're still here. You're still talking, you're still reaching out.

 

You rock, girl.

Keep on rocking.

 

Thank you very much...

[saluk]

Oh man, kind words but harsh outcome. To hear that he doesn't miss me at all sucks - makes me see myself in a pretty negative light. I totally understand what you're saying, however, especially what I presented here. There are a couple other details regarding how he feels but I don't think they're earth shattering enough to include in my updates. In any case, I'm trying my best not to let this derail me from everything, though I seem to be going through a dark period these past couple of days.

 

Sorry to be harsh Some of those harsh statements have helped me in the past so I try to pass it along where I can.

 

Yeah it is sooo easy to try to find those small little details that say "he still cares" while ignoring the bigger and more obvious signs that whatever feelings they are no longer romantic. I'm sorry for the dark period, but always remember that it is not necessarily about "you" - seeing yourself in a negative light is wholly unnecessary (although usually inevitable). Choices are made on both sides that led to this place, and you may never untabgle the why's of it completely. Try to stay positive. Think of one thing each day that you like about yourself. If it's the same thing on most days that's OK, but you will probably get bored of saying the same thing, so eventually you will think of other things.

 

If you can't think of something, try to find one thing you can do that day that you can use the next day as something you like about yourself.

 

Even though I have pretty good self esteem in general, in relationships I do tend to view myself according to how I think they view me. So the hardest part of the breakup is in viewing myself as an individual again. Hopefully that can help you too.

[valavoo]

Just an update - I'm still not super confident that I should have gone full blown no contact. But I WAS wrong in thinking he didn't miss me or I'd never hear from him again. Turns out that me not initiating made the time he did reach out feel more genuine - like he actually wanted to talk to me instead of me pushing him. This is not at all meant to incite any kind of argument, just an update.

[MissCanuck]

Did you hear from him, OP?

[Doc Blaze]

Just an update - I'm still not super confident that I should have gone full blown no contact. But I WAS wrong in thinking he didn't miss me or I'd never hear from him again. Turns out that me not initiating made the time he did reach out feel more genuine - like he actually wanted to talk to me instead of me pushing him. This is not at all meant to incite any kind of argument, just an update.

 

 

I feel like you keep reaching but w/e happens, i hope you can find happiness

[valavoo]

I feel like you keep reaching but w/e happens, i hope you can find happiness

 

Wait but I literally said I didn't reach out though XD