I Worry that I Shouldn't Have Done nc

[valavoo]

Did you hear from him, OP?

 

I did, actually! I'm not going to sit here and tell you it was the monumental, romcom style "I miss you let's get back together" text, but it was significant enough to me given the situation and the type of communication we've had these few months.

[Doc Blaze]

Wait but I literally said I didn't reach out though XD

 

thats not what i meant.

 

"Reaching" means that one is being overly-optimistic "

[valavoo]

thats not what i meant.

 

"Reaching" means that one is being overly-optimistic "

 

Oh! I misread. Well, I disagree. My post wasn't meant to be a monumental "wow gee first steps to reconciliation I'm so blessed" type post. Rather, just pointing out that I was wrong in my original fear of never hearing from him again. Plus, a little optimism never hurt anyone! As long as it's paired with some realism and taking things at face value.

[Doc Blaze]

Oh! I misread. Well, I disagree. My post wasn't meant to be a monumental "wow gee first steps to reconciliation I'm so blessed" type post. Rather, just pointing out that I was wrong in my original fear of never hearing from him again. Plus, a little optimism never hurt anyone! As long as it's paired with some realism and taking things at face value.

 

 

It actually happens a lot with exes . My ex has reached out to me now 4 times.

 

Be cautious with this.. you are right there is nothing wrong with being optimistic but make sure they are reaching out for the right reason and not taking advantage of the situations.

[valavoo]

It actually happens a lot with exes . My ex has reached out to me now 4 times.

 

Be cautious with this.. you are right there is nothing wrong with being optimistic but make sure they are reaching out for the right reason and not taking advantage of the situations.

 

Of course! Promise I'm being careful. Thank you very much for your concern

[Doc Blaze]

Of course! Promise I'm being careful. Thank you very much for your concern

 

just looking out for ya sorry if i come off too blunt sometimes

[Trout01]

I won't comment on your chance of reconciliation because no one, and I mean no one, can tell you if that will happen or not. I will just say that NC is not, and has never been, a method to get someone back. It's purpose is to remove the source of your pain and allow you to heal. A side effect MAY be that they miss you and reach out. But usually it's not in any meaningful way.

 

In my experience, the best thing to do is accept the breakup, let go, and move on with your life. Let the future take care of itself.

[valavoo]

just looking out for ya sorry if i come off too blunt sometimes

 

It's totally fine. No one would get anywhere in life if we were all the same type of human being anyway. I'm definitely guarding my heart and will continue to do so.

[valavoo]

I won't comment on your chance of reconciliation because no one, and I mean no one, can tell you if that will happen or not. I will just say that NC is not, and has never been, a method to get someone back. It's purpose is to remove the source of your pain and allow you to heal. A side effect MAY be that they miss you and reach out. But usually it's not in any meaningful way.

 

In my experience, the best thing to do is accept the breakup, let go, and move on with your life. Let the future take care of itself.

 

Indeed! I know it's not necessarily a method to get an ex back, however, I was still kinda concerned about how it affected the dynamic as I think I said in my original post. I am unfortunately not able to just kinda forget he exists and stop being sad and jump forward. I've tried. So even in not talking to him it doesn't exactly help.

[fabact]

You should read Jayson Gaddis on this issue. By continuing to accept crumbs you are devaluing yourself and being inauthentic in exchange for a connection with this person which is not a strong one. Since he initiated the breakup I would do NC so he sees what it feels. Listen, if he wants you back hell come back to you. You've made it clear he can come back if he wants to commit again, not to placate his feelings. Don't hold space for his confusion. He will respect you more this way too IMO.

[valavoo]

You should read Jayson Gaddis on this issue. By continuing to accept crumbs you are devaluing yourself and being inauthentic in exchange for a connection with this person which is not a strong one. Since he initiated the breakup I would do NC so he sees what it feels. Listen, if he wants you back hell come back to you. You've made it clear he can come back if he wants to commit again, not to placate his feelings. Don't hold space for his confusion. He will respect you more this way too IMO.

 

Thanks for the advice! However, I don't think it's inauthentic to "accept breadcrumbs", as I don't think that's what I'm necessarily doing. I personally think it WOULD be inauthentic to NOT respond at ALL unless it's a reconciliation. To be honest, if I were a dumper and my ex 100% ignored me when I was trying to reach out, it would deter me, even though I was the one that initiated the hypothetical split. Not that they should respond to every teeny tiny reach out situation because that would be unfair, but I don't believe that every situation goes from 100% no contact to re-initiating a relationship. That grand gesture thing or that classic "I miss you lets get back together" text seems few and far between in reality.

 

In any case, haven't initiated anything for quite a while, and the time he did I kept it simple and honest. It worked, and I'm cool with that.

 

Other than that, I've been silent and not interacting with him at all. It definitely sucks for me but I know it would suck more if I tried to reach out to get shut down in some regard.

 

What do you like about Jayson Gaddis? I'd never heard of him before and I tend to avoid relationship advice videos/blogs

[Viewcart]

You should read Jayson Gaddis on this issue. By continuing to accept crumbs you are devaluing yourself and being inauthentic in exchange for a connection with this person which is not a strong one. Since he initiated the breakup I would do NC so he sees what it feels. Listen, if he wants you back hell come back to you. You've made it clear he can come back if he wants to commit again, not to placate his feelings. Don't hold space for his confusion. He will respect you more this way too IMO.

 

I have to agree with valavoo and disagree with you on this one. I use to believe that breadcrumbs are unworthy but now I realize there's no such thing. If you want your ex back and choose to ignore them completely it will simply be a statement of rejection. If you don't want them back or don't care then please ignore to your heart's content.

It's unrealistic to expect your ex to bluntly say they want you back because real life is not fairy tales and they're human too who are afraid of getting rejected as well. Yes, they made a mistake of terminating the relationship so now you are resentful so you want to punish them by ignoring them. But if you need more time to heal or aren't in the mood to respond, just be honest and tell them that you can't talk or chat due to whatever reason.

 

Don't initiate, but if your ex is reaching out, be polite and communicate as adults. Unless of course your ex cheated or abused you but why would a sane person want someone like that back anyways.

[fabact]

I'm not saying not to respond when he reaches out. But I would not initiate contact if he is the one who broke up with me. I just think that works and it's not standing up for YOU. If you don't have your own back how do you expect him or anyone else to have your own back. And for me at least it would hurt too much to have contact with someone who broke up with me.

[valavoo]

I'm not saying not to respond when he reaches out. But I would not initiate contact if he is the one who broke up with me. I just think that works and it's not standing up for YOU. If you don't have your own back how do you expect him or anyone else to have your own back. And for me at least it would hurt too much to have contact with someone who broke up with me.

 

It seems we're on the same page then!

[loip9114]

As most said, no contact simply is a tool for you to get your space and heal your pain. Temporarily removing the source of your pain so you do not get even into further pain.

While you might think that having no communication might have hurt your chances, you can also think of it as you stablized your chances. Because when you are emotional you might not really react the way you normally would. Just remember any moment in time where you were a bit annoyed/stressed about something and someone asked you a minor question. Sometimes it happens that people completely flip out!

Simply because they are too emotional about something. This is simply known is 'redirected behaviour' which is seen a lot in animals (Yes, I consider human-beings as part of the animal kingdom, we still have many natural urges and (un)consciously react on them). A phenomenon that occurs many times, some pissed at work due to traffic or anything.

 

So I see it more as stablizing your chances. You might have possibly, maybe increased your chances through communication. But more often than not, you damage your chances. You're not thinking straight, you might blurt out stuff you didn't mean or anything. Also, both parties are reeling from this breakup, not knowing left from right and north and south. So first both need to stabilize. This is the use of no communication. Instead of constantly putting your burned hand back in the fire, you let it heal before trying again.

And you might think 'what about the window of opportunity?', Well I am thinking of a new theory for myself. Might describe it later on in my own thread.

 

But honestly, I believe not having communication for a while is good, to stabilize yourself and your chances of success. Not do any further damage, which is more likely than reconciling. And when you are stabile and ready, keep your guard up for your heart and go for it.

[miki1611]

I feel you. Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing keeping NC. My ex contacted me after a month and we met up two days in a row. In both ocassions, he hugged and kissed me, but out of my fear of misunderstanding his intentions, I didn't hug or kiss him back. He tried contacting again two days after our last meet up, hut I decided to just move on.

 

I think NC is important because you are both still blurred by feelings, and you have your hopes up and at the same time, your guard is also up because you are scared to get hurt, and this is a very confusing time for you both. I believe that you do need NC for a certain period of time. To get all the dust settled and so you are ready to talk to your ex again without any assumption that is based on fears. Maybe if he does contact, you can reply him, but if it just makes it harder to get to that "fearless" point, you need some space.

[valavoo]

I feel you. Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing keeping NC. My ex contacted me after a month and we met up two days in a row. In both ocassions, he hugged and kissed me, but out of my fear of misunderstanding his intentions, I didn't hug or kiss him back. He tried contacting again two days after our last meet up, hut I decided to just move on.

 

I think NC is important because you are both still blurred by feelings, and you have your hopes up and at the same time, your guard is also up because you are scared to get hurt, and this is a very confusing time for you both. I believe that you do need NC for a certain period of time. To get all the dust settled and so you are ready to talk to your ex again without any assumption that is based on fears. Maybe if he does contact, you can reply him, but if it just makes it harder to get to that "fearless" point, you need some space.

 

That makes complete sense. I'm honestly not sure if I'll ever be ready to just casually reach out to him myself.

[Doc Blaze]

As most said, no contact simply is a tool for you to get your space and heal your pain. Temporarily removing the source of your pain so you do not get even into further pain.

While you might think that having no communication might have hurt your chances, you can also think of it as you stablized your chances. Because when you are emotional you might not really react the way you normally would. Just remember any moment in time where you were a bit annoyed/stressed about something and someone asked you a minor question. Sometimes it happens that people completely flip out!

Simply because they are too emotional about something. This is simply known is 'redirected behaviour' which is seen a lot in animals (Yes, I consider human-beings as part of the animal kingdom, we still have many natural urges and (un)consciously react on them). A phenomenon that occurs many times, some pissed at work due to traffic or anything.

 

So I see it more as stablizing your chances. You might have possibly, maybe increased your chances through communication. But more often than not, you damage your chances. You're not thinking straight, you might blurt out stuff you didn't mean or anything. Also, both parties are reeling from this breakup, not knowing left from right and north and south. So first both need to stabilize. This is the use of no communication. Instead of constantly putting your burned hand back in the fire, you let it heal before trying again.

And you might think 'what about the window of opportunity?', Well I am thinking of a new theory for myself. Might describe it later on in my own thread.

 

But honestly, I believe not having communication for a while is good, to stabilize yourself and your chances of success. Not do any further damage, which is more likely than reconciling. And when you are stabile and ready, keep your guard up for your heart and go for it.

 

This is actually what i did and it worked for me in the long run. it was very hard