Elisesouthbay Posted July 11, 2017 Share Posted July 11, 2017 My boyfriend and I have been together 4 years. Everything is going really well except he loves to go out to bars a lot. We are long distance and he goes out every weekend with his friends at least once a week or two times a week. We recently had an argument since he was out until 6 am completely drunk and hadn't contacted me all day. He was very hostile towards me on the phone when I asked what he was doing. I really did not like how he was mean to me even though I knew it was just the alcohol. To me that was the ugliest that I have seen him and told him that was extremely unattractive for me. I don't worry so much about cheating but I worry that since he sometimes gets so drunk and goes out all the time something could happen. And I feel that going out that much for someone who is in a relationship isn't appropriate. Opinions or advice is extremely helpful and how to handle the situation without being controlling! Link to comment
rosephase Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 Have you been long distance the whole time? Personally I don't think you get to tell your partner what they can or can not do when you aren't around. That is basically controlling. You don't have to stay with them if they have different values but there are no rules about what someone should and shouldn't do in a relationship. If he gets drunk and is mean and chooses to do that often then he probably isnt a good fit for any relationship. How does the rest of your relationship feel? Link to comment
Elisesouthbay Posted July 12, 2017 Author Share Posted July 12, 2017 I agree. Usually when I talk about it I say things like "it bothers me" or "I feel uncomfortable" I never say you cannot go out. So when I express my opinions he gets defensive and I will just say "okay I am just telling you how I feel and I am pretty sure if I did the same thing you would have a big problem with it too," which I know he would. The rest of the relationship is great and we've only been long distance 1 year and that's when he started reallu going out. When we lived together he went out to bars and I would stay home or do stuff with my friends and there was no problem. It just seems like this past year it has gotten worse Link to comment
Andrina Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 If you're upset more than happy in a relationship, it means it's not the right one for you. I prefer a man with healthy hobbies instead of a guy who goes to bars once or twice a week. It's not the type of companion I want. Perhaps you're like me. There are guys who don't do this. Some have hobbies like playing sports, or bicycling or kayaking, etc. Sounds like the relationship is regressing rather than progressing. The trick to relationship happiness is choosing someone you don't want to change, because a person has the right to be who they are, and you have the right to walk away if it's not working for you. A mean drunk is the last person you want to end up with. Don't excuse his behavior because he was impaired. It's his choice to drink. It's not like someone holds him down and pours it down his throat without his consent. I just hope he's intelligent enough to not drink and drive. If he's your idea of a dream man, your standards aren't very high. Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 How old are you both, OP? Why are you long-distance now, and are there plans to close the gap? Link to comment
Elisesouthbay Posted July 13, 2017 Author Share Posted July 13, 2017 Both 22. It is just for school, we will be back together at the end of the year Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted July 13, 2017 Share Posted July 13, 2017 Eh, I think you're going to be hard-pressed to find a 22-year-old guy who doesn't go out fairly regularly with his friends. What type of places do they go to? Have you ever had a legitimate reason not to trust him? His hostility toward you suggests he's not interested in changing his habits and that he is annoyed with you. He doesn't have the right to be mean to you, however. You might want to ask yourself if this is really working for you anymore. Link to comment
Elisesouthbay Posted July 14, 2017 Author Share Posted July 14, 2017 Thank you MissCanuck. It's good to hear opinions from others and I think you're 100% right. He's irritated with me and I'm irritated with him. I think we just need some space. It was mainly the hostility towards me that made me so angry and turn to this forum. He goes out a lot, like tonight he did, but I had no problem since he didn't get wasted like the other night. There have been some girls who texted him and I found out. They were not horrible texts but I asked him who these girls were and he said girls who wanted his number at the bars. I do trust him but when you know that happens and girls are getting his number, you start to go a little crazy. He's too nice of a guy to tell someone no so usually he just gives them the number and doesn't respond, but still! Link to comment
Elisesouthbay Posted July 14, 2017 Author Share Posted July 14, 2017 Thank you Andrina. He really is a good guy amd has many hobbies, such as sports, but in my opinion it's the constant going out. I have to think more about this if it's a real deal breaker. Thanks for the advice Link to comment
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