Disturbing Porn on partners computer

[lost_help]

I will try to make this brief. I have been with a man for almost a total of 4yrs. We met online and moved in together , I realized early on that something wasn't right between us. I put it down to being uncompatable. I did however find out about his ongoing internet chatting which was inappropriate. I have tried to accept this as he says it is only fantasy. Here is the problem , due to his secrectiveness and what he does on computer . I have checked up on him through his computer, only to find disturbing porn, depictions of girl being raped, transexuals, incest that kind of thing. Our relationship is very strained due to some other things but I also think that he uses those things as his smoke screen. If I question him about his activeties he becomes very aggresive and angry with me. I do not know what I should do , we both have children that live in the house and I am concerned that I am living with someone who is not who they portray themself to be. Any advice or others in same situation

[melrich]

Your relationship does not sound too healthy. Your b/f shows signs of having a compulsive (read addictive) personality.

 

I think you should encourage him to seek help. If he refuses for the sake of your relationship then you should really consider how serious you wnt to get with this guy. These types of personalities can manifest themselves in all sorts of ways. None of them terribly desirable.

[HeavenLee]

It is a big red flag. Chatting inappropriately is not only lying and betraying you, but I feel that it is emotional cheating. Anyone who tries to get away with this type of thing uses the old "but it's only fantasy" excuse. Believe me, because I've heard it so many times it makes me sick.

 

If it is all fantasy though, why is he so secretive about it, and why does it hurt you in your "reality" so much? Because it's wrong.

 

The porn is disturbing (not that there is anything wrong with looking at porn - but it's the type that is disturbing), and I wonder if he has shown any signs of enjoying this type of thing in real life? I agree that he really should see someone about all of this. It's not healthy for him, your relationship, or potentially your children.

 

It is an addiction. I've seen it too many times. People have a hard time dealing with reality so they hide in the "fantasy" of being online way too much. The inappropriate chat is a betrayal to you, the porn would make me very uneasy and you mention he gets aggressive when questioned... may he also have an anger management problem? If he will not see anyone (because I'm sure he doesn't see anything wrong with what he's doing), I'd seriously consider leaving... even if it is only until he agrees to seek some professional help.

 

Good luck to you, and please do not live with these types of things that make you uncomfortable. It will not change, at least not without the help of a professional, and even then, there's no guarantee.

[JukeBox Hero]

Now please don't get the impression, "What would a 15yr old knwo about this subject"..because well..Just take time to read what i have to say first.

 

My opinion in reguards to this topic, as I see it as your partner isn't being fulfiled enough with the sex life he alrady has, and is seeking other ways to feel this need himself. And, I also feel you should believe him, when he says it's just fantasy. My opinion on relationships, Is it takes alot of trust to keep them together..He told you what he was doing before you found out, but not in specific, so he hasn't really violated that here, but you ever persisting, took it upon yourself jsut to find out somethin you already knew andto get upset over it. Leave him be, and dont mention it, this habit should go in time, maybe slow yet surely in some cases. My opinion still stands that you let him have his privacy, and maybe to try and help him with these fantasy needs without bringing up a whole discussion..all i knwo to say..

[JukeBox Hero]

HeavenLee, in reply to you, and I dont mean to sound rude or anything to that extent, but everyone has thier own opinion, and I appreciate yours, and I'm not attacking you or anything, but "Yes", as you said, there is porn. And, It's ok to look at it. But, remembering , everyone has thier own opinion, some people have certain prefernces to what ever getsthe mturned on. ...I mean, common, this woman is 44, her husband is aroun the same age I'm guessing. I'm not sure how my sex life will be by then, but I can see things gettin less and less after 35 or somethin...And, you need to trust your husband when he say's "It's just fantasy". There is no reason to jump/fly to conclussions. Maybe you gotta see it as you being a little over reacting. I still feel she should have respected hsi privacy and noen of this could'a happened. Women aren't meant to understand men in full, and vice versa, so please, jsut trying is pointless..Do what you want, but i can see how the man would be upset with you brining this up to him, and I could probably assure, that trying to go to some doctor or counselor would be a relationship killer. Men are stubborn, your fighting a battle you cant win...

[HeavenLee]

JukeBox, you raise a good point that perhaps he is not being fulfilled in his sex life. But when you take into consideration the type of porn he is looking at, it's hardly something that the poster can help him with. It's quite disturbing stuff.

 

I also agree that people need their privacy, but when you run on gut instinct and someone is being overly secretive, sometimes it is better to know these things. The inappropriate chat is truly a betrayal and can break up many marriages and relationships. It means that while he is in his "fantasy" world, someone else is getting his emotional attention and it is taken away from the person who, obviously in this case, needs it. How can you trust someone who is giving there attention to other women, even if it is only online. It has a bigger impact on reality than most people are aware of, and the rate of bust ups because of the "online" phenomenon is growing in alarming numbers.

 

While some may argue that it's wrong to pry, it's also wrong to hurt your partner with these behaviours. And it also shows some really deep seated problems within him.

[shes2smart]

Been in this situation. Lived with a guy who had a very active online chat life (mostly adult oriented chat rooms/sites) which I assumed would subside as our relationship developed.

 

Well, that would be the normal course of things...get involved with someone and you start to invest your time & energy into your real life realtionship and thereforeeee have less time & energy to spend online. But I wasn't dealing with someone "normal" in that relationship, and apparently neither are you.

 

He always tried to turn it around like it was my fault...I was being "insecure" and whatnot. The fact of the matter is he had a problem, and it really sounds like you are dealing with someone who has the same problem (addiction). The thing about addiction is unless and until the addict sees it as a problem it will not get resolved.

 

Some of the other replies to your post suggested that some of his sexual needs are not getting met. Possibly. But if that is the case, it is his responsibility to address that directly with you, his partner, and not just go off looking for online playthings. That's what someone in an honest, healthy relationship would do.

 

Actually, I think that the content of the porn is the least of your concerns right now.

 

If you have explained to him how his behavior is hurting you and he continues to do it anyway, that's a serious problem. If he is not sharing his sexual fantasies/interests with you, that's another serious issue. If he does, in fact, have an internet and/or porn addiction there's nothing you can do about that until HE sees it as a problem.

 

You've been in this relationship for 4 years now. It does not sound like you are happy, it does not sound like you trust him, and it certainly doesn't sound like he's treating you very well or with much respect. Why are you still there?

 

When I was toward the end of my relationship with the guy that sounds like the one you're involved with, a very dear friend of mine said 4 words that summed it up perfectly: "No trust, no relationship."

 

Please tell me you're not in Michigan. The guy you described sounds much like my ex. I realize the world is small, but sometimes it gets TOO small, y'know?

[RayKay]

I think you have had some good replies so far - but I just thought I would add anyway

 

I think if it was just plain porn, it would probably not be as big of a deal, what I think you have an issue with (and I would too) is the variety of porn (the incest, transexuals, etc) and I would say that I would feel the same about it in your shoes. It is also clear that his reaction to it is not healthy when you question him about it. It is fine to have fantasies, but clearly he is not comfortable with you knowing about them and is in fact getting angry and trying to turn the issue around on you.

 

While another poster said after 35 he can see sex life maybe taking a downturn - I think most people who are 35 or older know that this is far from the truth and that especially for women, one's sex life can be much more revved up then it was even when you were younger. And you have the right to a healthy sex life with your partner - him being secretive is not conducive to that, neither is it conducive to a healthy emotional relationship. In my personal opinion, excessive internet chatting - at the point where you would not share it with your partner due to content (sexual or emotional) IS indeed cheating and he is in this case not fully committed to the relationship.

 

If you felt he was the "one" and this was the only issue I would suggest further counselling with him to maybe sort things out and more communication, what I am unsure about is whether you see this as an issue worth fighting for or not as you said yourself early on you knew you two were not compatible so I am just wondering whether this relationship is worth saving to you or not. If it is, by all means see what you can do to get the communication flowing and find out what is going on, but if it isn't, maybe you should consider this enough of a red flag to walk?

[Hope75]

I don't think that looking at porn is a big deal persay, but the fact that he lies to you about it, is secretive, looks at violent fantasies depicting women being raped, and then becomes aggressive with you when you confront him with it is a warning sign that you should end this relationship.

 

Porn can become addicting, but more of a concern is the violent images he gets off on and the fact that he gets angry with you for asking about it, I would be afraid that your situation could escalate and he could hurt you, or one of the children in your house.

 

You are right to be disturbed by this behaviour, and if I were you I would take action and get out of a bad situation before it gets worse.

[someguy69]

I have tried to accept this as he says it is only fantasy. Here is the problem , due to his secrectiveness and what he does on computer . I have checked up on him through his computer, only to find disturbing porn, depictions of girl being raped, transexuals, incest that kind of thing. Our relationship is very strained due to some other things but I also think that he uses those things as his smoke screen.

 

Fantasy is fantasy, and doesn't necessarily mean there is something to worry about.

 

Studies and surveys have shown that the number one fantasy for women is being raped -- not brutal rape, more like being overpowered and seduced by an attractive stranger.

 

Some men are into transexuals because they are a little bit bi-curious.

 

Incestuous thoughts, deny it as everyone does, happen to everyone at some point in their life.

 

Watching a certain type of porn can actually lessen the intrigue with that fantasy, and prevent the temptation of making it a reality. (Initially the person may become more tempted, but eventually the subject matter will lose its appeal, and it will be no big deal).

[scarlett]

I have been goign out wiht my bf for abt 2 years. I love him so much but we always argue over him looking at other girls. he says he doesnt but i see him do it.

i think his eyes must automatically glaze over them or sumthing.

He calls it looking at movement or bright colours but i see where he looks at them. lol.

It does hurt bad and i have tried to kill myself because i feel betrayed and that all guys are like this. I really want to get over feeling inadequate or jealous of other girls. He tells me i am the only one he looks at and the only one he finds attractive. I sometimes believe him. I get into a frenzy of asking him questions and get all worked up over it that he is not good enuf. I wish guys didnt do this it is so sad. I cant talk to him about it because he thinks i am interrogating him and i dont trust him and that i sud grow up but i dotn think he understands how much it hurts. He feels like i think he is a pervert. At times i do think that but i really dont want to i just dont want to see him looking at them. I think ill just turn my head but then i cant have sex or i feel distant.

I guess if we dont work out we dont work out. Will i be alone foreva cos of my childlike thinking?

[RedDawn]

Well, I must say that I never imagined finding myself at one of these forums.....especially at 3:30am!! I guess it helps in some way to hear that others are going through the same thing. I too have issues with my boyfriend (of 3 years ) constantly watching porn. I have have caught him a few times staying up late and watching it on tv and numerous times on the computer. Each time I have it out with him and tell him how much it bothers me and he of course apoligizes and says he won't do it anymore. The most recent blow up was this evening.....I had gotten home from work and the media player on the computer hadn't been closed (he didn't hide his tracks too well)...I started doing some more seaches and found he had gotten a little sloppy in deleting everything......it just upsets me soooo much b/c he knows how much it bothers me and he still does it!! I confronted him once again and he admitted that he has a problem with it and says it has nothing to do with me. ....I'm just not convinced that he will ever stop and then I start to wonder where exactly the line is drawn......other than this our relationship is great and he is even talking about getting married. I know in my heart that I could never leave him over watching porn.....actually it's not even that so much as lying to me and being secretive about things (that's what upsets me most and makes me loose trust in him).......I guess what I want to know is how to deal with this and make things work so that we are both happy? He has suggested that I take the laptop upstairs when I go bed or take the card for the internet.......I really don't want our relationship to come to this! Anyway, I have written a novel now so I guess I should get going......it's definitely helped to get this off my chest!

[shes2smart]

I have posted this link before in similar threads, but some of you are new so here it is again.

 

This goes to a message board for partners of (mostly) guys who have a porn addiction. Kinda like here only the scope of their discussion is centered on pornography addiction.

 

link removed

[twelve]

ok as hideous and even funny as porn can be, it shouldn't be banned from guys or women because sex is human nature and i guess fantasy is too.

 

but INCEST????

Thats just plain wrong and freaky.

Get out