bad breakup just got 100 times worse....

[Attar]

hi, this is my first post here,seems like a lot of helpful people out there, so here goes...sorry about the length, but i have a lot on my mind.

 

i've been going out with my now ex-girlfriend for close to three years, and things have never been easy for us. we got in terrible fights that i think took a toll on our relationship. she always expected things from me that i had no idea about, and then would get really upset when they didn't happen...the list goes on and on, but then again, so does the list of good things we had together. i've never been in a relationship that was so topsy-turvy.

 

we've broken up & gotten back together about 3 or 4 times- the breakup fights would have us yelling things like "F*** OFF, GET OUT OF MY LIFE!!!" at each other, then we'd get back together and everything was supposed to be hearts & flowers. i had a hard time dealing with this dynamic.

 

the last time we broke up, she had gone to bed, and i was in my den, and had the notion to look at some online porn. i'm not a habitual porn viewer, and i'm not sure why i felt like it right then, but i did it anyway. it was pretty lame and unexciting. then she walked in! i quickly switched to something else, but she kept wanting to know what i was doing. i tried unsucessfully to make her leave the room, then finally i told her. she completely flipped out, hitting me and crying hysterically. i felt horrible.

she went around the house and tore down all the decorations we had hung up, and basically verbally berated me until i felt like garbage. she swore she would never forgive me, or forget what i did.

 

so we eventually got back together, and long story short, broke up again this morning (on the way to work).

 

AND THEN THE SAME THING HAPPENED AGAIN.

 

she came home unexpectedly tonight (her note said she'd be out all night), and the same events occurred again, though the hitting was more rough this time. my thumb is sprained or something. i didn't do anything but try to hold her off, but she was incredibly P.O.'d.

 

so now she says she can't believe anything i say, can never trust me even as a friend, and wants me out by the end of the month. i am in a personal hell. the thing that hurts the most is seeing the pain i caused her. she's not one to cry easily, but the 2 times this has happened have caused her so much grief, i feel like i don't know what. scum. any advice for me? i think the relationship is beyond repair, but i never stopped loving her as a person, even if we aren't meant to be a couple. i just can't stand the thought that i am so low in her eyes. am i that bad? help me!

[PleasehelpmeIneedit]

Hey man I've got some advice. Get out of there. As fast as you can. If she is being that abusive then leave. It always turns out bad. Trust me. My dad has been through 2 abusive relationships. In one she beat the crap out of my dad so much that my dad nearly lost it and beat her (luckily he didn't) and she took him to court for false accusations on it. We got out of there luckily but only after being left bankrupt and no house to go to. (The courts always believe the woman in abuse cases for some reason.) The seconed one my dad got beat up again and left. He had learned his lesson. All I say is leave and don't lay a finger on her. If you hit her once it could ruin everything. Some women seem like the perfect woman for you but don't think that they won't turn ruthless and screw you over. Just run mate.

[Attar]

well, these two times are the only times she's laid a finger on me, so i can't really say she's abusive as a rule, but yeah. i know it's not a good thing, and i was angry, surprised, and hurt. i know i didn't deserve that kind of treatment. with that said, i don't plan on staying and neither does she. it's definitely over. but can someone help me understand why i felt the impulse to look at porn at a time when i was grieving? i think this is the thing that hurt her the most; she took it as if i was completely nonplussed about the breakup and couldn't wait to look at some t&a, but i know that wasn't what was going through my mind. i was truly upset and depressed both times. anybody?

[Amasa]

I know this is going to sound bad. But I used to be that girl. I could see who I used to be all over your post. I used to do exactly the same things to my b/f that your girlfriend is doing to you.

 

 

The truth was that I couldnt' express how I felt at all, and I would get so angry and frustrated that I would lash out just like that. I remember one time I went on a rampage and started breaking everything in my b/f room. He was so at a loss that he hugged me and just started crying saying I love you please stop. Which of course i didn't. He tried everything, everything and I didn't want to hear any of it.

 

Sadly, the only thing he could do to make me realize that i was the problem was to leave me. I was so crushed, I cried everyday for six months when we broke up. But, because of that, I went on a mission to figure out what the problems were and how I could go about fixing them.

 

So, back to your situation, I think the only thing you can do to help this situation is leave.

If it makes you feel better, me and the ex i did that to hooked back up after i took the time to fix myself and we have been together happily for almost a year now.

[Attar]

oh, yeah, forgot to mention she said she was going to tell everyone we know about how i'm a "porn freak". we work in the same building, so this is going to make my life suck. a lot. she said it was as bad as cheating on her(which i totally disagreed with)

 

just thought i'd give you guys some more reasons why i'm in hell right now.

[Tr0ubledGuy]

Its never alright for a man to lay a hand on a chick. So why should it be alright for a woman if the man has never layed a hand on her?

 

Get outta there

[discordant_verse]

Attar,

 

leave. Nobody deserves that kind of treatment.

 

Your problem right now is that you are afraid. You are afraid of the repurcussions and you might be afraid of losing her - because you might, at the end of the day, still love her lots.

 

Well, if you arent going to pick yourself up and get out of this abusive relationship, you're going to be living with fear all your life. That's not a life worth living.

 

Up and walk, mate. You'll be alright.

 

DV

[PowR]

Firstly, I think your ex has definitely blown everything out of proportion. I mean, looking at porn isnt that bad and I dont think its something she should be making you feel guilty about. There are a multitude of men out there who look at that stuff all the time and dont love their girlfriends any less. Its doesnt make you weird or disgusting in any way. The fact that you turned to it while grieving says to me that at that time it was the only way of comforting yourself, I dont know why but everyone deals with things differently.

 

On the other hand, I could see why your girlfriend may be upset. I could look like you werent bothered by the breakup and merely continued on with self-gratification. Otherwise, she may not be entirely upset about the whole porn thing but it has simply sent her over the edge and epitomises everything about the situation shes upset about.

 

What has happened here is complete miscommunication. Perhaps your both at a stage where ye cant sit down and have a civilised conversation but thats what ye need to do in order to set things straight. You need to tell her how you felt when you turned to the porn and how you feel about hurting her. She might understand and see that in fact you are as confused by your compulsion as she is. Your might also find out precisely why she is upset and work through it from there.

 

Thats just what I think!!!You never know, maybe your relationship isnt beyond repair. Good luck!

[DN]

She has hit you twice because she could not get her own way. It doesn't matter if she was justifiably angry over the porn or not, that is not the issue. If she hit you you should leave. If the fight escalates and the police are called the chances are you are the one who will be going to jail. The best advice you have received is to leave her. Do it before she knows you have gone so she does not have a chance to assault you again.

[sonjam]

by the way, there is nothing sick or wrong about looking at porn. If that is your fantasy, then do it. Nobody has a right to judge another on this type of thing. It's not as if you got of on the PC, then tried to make out with her. She's invading your privacy. You did not harm her in any way by viewing these sites. She's free to look at any site on the web if she wants right? Well I think so are you!

[JT]

Attar, I was in a similar situation as you. My ex was physical with me as well. I never hit her back, but always resented teh fact she did it to me. She has an anger control problem and I think yours does to. She's expecting you to be something your not. I suggest you get out of there as soon as possible. You deserve better than that. Look, I know its tough, but you gotta bite the bullet and just move on. I had to do it to. The fact she hit me was something I could never get over.. and neither will you. The sooner you put a final end to this, the sooner your able to move on. Its been 1 year since i've spoken to my ex, but i admit it was hard to leave but I'm so glad that I did it. Dont beat around the bush with making excuses.. just get it done. I've analyzed a lot of her behavior and she sounds a lot like your girl so if you have any specific questions please feel free to inquire.

[RayKay]

I think this is a very unhealthy relationship - I think anytime there is a case of "on & off again" you really need to analyze whether this is the relationship for both of you, I am assuming she is not too far apart in age from you and I can tell you normal, healthy adults do not behave like this and throw temper tantrums.

 

I can see her side that she was hurt by the timing of it - she maybe did feel like you were not really hurting, but still the way she reacted to it (being abusive and destructive), and the fact you WERE broken up already to me was a very immature way to go about it. It seems almost to me like she broke up with you to get her way and attention, I am not sure but when you love someone you work out things with proper communication, not yelling fits and temper tantrums, or by breaking up with them.

 

I think you ought to move on honestly. It just seems like there are too many ups and downs in this relationship and the downs are really down. She has some growing up to do, and I feel that as long as you keep taking her back you are accepting her behaviour and telling her its alright to be abusive and to act like a child. She IS physically and emotionally abusive (I say emotionally as she is threatening to label you a porn freak, etc) and you are letting her go away with it as she is female - don't let her anymore. Pack up and move out and ON. There are healthier women out there who will be able to form healthy relationships with you....but unless you are free you will never find them.

[Mun]

i've been going out with my now ex-girlfriend for close to three years, and things have never been easy for us. we got in terrible fights that i think took a toll on our relationship. she always expected things from me that i had no idea about, and then would get really upset when they didn't happen

 

Hello Attar,

From what you say this relationship has been rocky from the start and I would think that you looking at porn was a sort of "escape" from the reality you are living, not necessarily directed at hurting her. Maybe it was not the best time to be doing this, but we each have our own type of "survival" mechanisms....maybe this was yours? Also, her threatening to tell everyone you know that you look at porn -childish.

 

Tip: The best way to disarm someone who threatens you is to not be afraid. No secrets, no blackmail.

( you can always tell those people : but of course I look at porn who doesn't? not the best response but you get the idea )

 

I will say this, the minute you lose respect for each other the relationship is doomed. Calling each other names and using "f" words.. big no-no when you love someone. Her hitting you is unacceptable, no matter how angry and hurt she is.

 

You are doing the right thing in leaving. Too many ups and downs in the relationship and you start to wonder if it's worth it.

 

Good luck to you

[dreamweaverdude]

Attar,

 

Don't let anyone tell you you're not normal. You are. Your choices are your choices. Muneca is right ini that your timing could have been better but for your GF to physically abuse you (and mentally too i'm sure) over porn is ridiculous.

 

If i were guessing you were 'escaping' for a few minutes. If she is so insecure with herself not to be able to deal with it then she has issues as well that she needs to seek therapy over. That's not to condone the use or porn (that is something we all have to make our own decisions on), because when you do you do risk others finding out and using it against you later on. I've been made very aware of that in my process of getting a divorce.

 

I've been married 20+ years and in the process of getting a divorce and trying to neogiate uncontested to save money and speed the process. I have been caught several times looking at porn myself Attar and to be honest always felt it was better to take that route than look at some local chick and act. Always felt like it was safer, maybe not better, but safer. Keep in mind I live in the South (Bible Belt), and for someone to be accused of looking at porn is like you are this morally absent person so now I'm being blackmailed and extorted in my divorce. Lesson Learned is NEVER GIVE THE OTHER PERSON AMMUNITION. EVER!

 

Get out while you can. If she is this abusive and controlling now, it will only get worse.

 

Good Luck.

[chai714]

The longer the verbal/physical/emotional abuse continues, the more damaging it is to the relationship and the harder it is to recover.

 

Take a step back from things. Recognize the unhealthy pattern of behaviors that has taken place. Things must change if you're going to stay with her. It would probably begin with either breaking up, or going to relationship counseling (and anger management for her).

 

Don't accept that it's ok to hit or be hit. Your looking at porn right after that fight is you acting out by trying to preoccupy your mind so that you could temporarily block out what happened, but your problems can't be ignored. YOu don't want these physical fights to turn into a situation where one of you gets arrested, so this is a good time to wake up and take action. Ultimately, you'll decide what is best for you, but I recommend that you both need time away from each other before things get even worse.

[Attar]

wow, thanks for all the replies, it really helps to hear other peoples opinions on the situation. she's coming by soon to "talk" with me, hope it's actually talking and not another insult/screaming match where she tries to take away what little self esteem i have left...

 

ugh...worst breakup i've ever had...

 

thanks again!