"Are you sure about reconnecting?"

[MissCanuck]

Not 100% sure but based on her social media behavior and how she talked to me the last months I don't think so.

 

That doesn't necessarily mean anything.

 

I've been with my man for 2.5 years, but for reasons related to our jobs, we do not post about our relationship on any social media platform. She could, if she wants, also filter which posts you see. I'm not saying that she is definitely seeing someone else, but just a reminder that social media is not the best indicator of one's personal life.

[No1]

Lets go back a little bit..

In march, you posted a topic based on talking to her about meeting up.

This is what you wrote in December of 2016

I wanted to send my ex's mom a text just to wish her a happy Christmas but I don't know if it is a good idea given my current situation

I just wanted to text her mom beause I really liked her and never got the chance to say goodbye. Just a message along the lines of 'Hi (...) I hope you have a wonderful X-mas and a happy New Year, Best (...)'

- I did not contact her for 2 weeks and then wrote her a apology letter for my behavior.

- I took a break from contacting her till may when she had her birthday and even sent her a gift.

 

You are going to do what you want to do. I mentioned that in previous posts that I think you are being selfish. You wanted things your way, and you still want them your way with no thinking of what you are doing to her. You neglected her to the point that she had to leave you.

It doesnt matter if she reaches out to you. You have to be the bigger person to let her go. Again, you are going to do what you want to do.

 

Eventually she will find someone and its going to devistate you and you are going to get mad with her because you never ended it in your mind. You keep thinking there is a chance as long as we talk. Its been over a year and you asked her about seeing you and she said no. I personally think she doesnt want to hurt you by being nice so please, just take her hints and leave her be. Think of her feelings.

[MUrmillo]

That doesn't necessarily mean anything.

 

I've been with my man for 2.5 years, but for reasons related to our jobs, we do not post about our relationship on any social media platform. She could, if she wants, also filter which posts you see. I'm not saying that she is definitely seeing someone else, but just a reminder that social media is not the best indicator of one's personal life.

 

I know, but it is the only one that I have.

 

My gut feeling tells me this... She maybe was seeing someone last summer. Only reason I have to think this was that she uploaded a picture on a beach looking pretty with no girlfriends in the picture. Unless her new lover has no facebook at all I think the odds are in my favor.

She would also not contact me that 'much' if she was in a new relationship because that is not how she is. She would then probably also not say that she needs more time...

 

Again, this is just me overthinking and mayb wishful thinking. I simply don't know 100%

[MUrmillo]

Lets go back a little bit..

In march, you posted a topic based on talking to her about meeting up.

This is what you wrote in December of 2016

I wanted to send my ex's mom a text just to wish her a happy Christmas but I don't know if it is a good idea given my current situation

I just wanted to text her mom beause I really liked her and never got the chance to say goodbye. Just a message along the lines of 'Hi (...) I hope you have a wonderful X-mas and a happy New Year, Best (...)'

- I did not contact her for 2 weeks and then wrote her a apology letter for my behavior.

- I took a break from contacting her till may when she had her birthday and even sent her a gift.

 

You are going to do what you want to do. I mentioned that in previous posts that I think you are being selfish. You wanted things your way, and you still want them your way with no thinking of what you are doing to her. You neglected her to the point that she had to leave you.

It doesnt matter if she reaches out to you. You have to be the bigger person to let her go. Again, you are going to do what you want to do.

 

Eventually she will find someone and its going to devistate you and you are going to get mad with her because you never ended it in your mind. You keep thinking there is a chance as long as we talk. Its been over a year and you asked her about seeing you and she said no. I personally think she doesnt want to hurt you by being nice so please, just take her hints and leave her be. Think of her feelings.

 

That was not 2017, that was 2016. Sent that letter around 3 months after the BU and the present I sent one month after that.

I never wrote her mom in the end btw.

 

The topic I made in march I made when she started talking about visiting the city I live in (if I remember correctly)

[No1]

That was not 2017, that was 2016. Sent that letter around 3 months after the BU and the present I sent one month after that.

I never wrote her mom in the end btw.

 

The topic I made in march I made when she started talking about visiting the city I live in (if I remember correctly)

 

Look at your post you made on 12/5/16

 

Anyway.. it doesnt matter.. none of it matters. It is over. She does not want to be with you. You had your chance. Let her go.

[MUrmillo]

Look at your post you made on 12/5/16

 

Anyway.. it doesnt matter.. none of it matters. It is over. She does not want to be with you. You had your chance. Let her go.

 

I know I come of as a stubborn donkey and I know that I one day might regret this but I am not ready to give up completely. My life will go on and if I would meet someone else tomorrow then I will not let my feelings for my ex get in the way of that. The only point where I could truly let go if I will fall in love again with someone else or if I would find out that she truly is happy with someone else.

[No1]

Its not about giving up, its about letting her breathe. If you want her to miss you, she has to see a life without you.

Understand that you hurt her. She needs time and space to heal. By you being there, all you do is re-open wounds that should have been healed by now or on their way to being heald.

Im not saying she is never going to come back to you, but you have to let her decide on her own then pursue you. Oh, dont worry, she knows you want her.

She has to be able to go day to day and not wonder if you sent a letter explaining (again) how you feel. She does not need constant messages, she needs to grow, breathe and see what she wants.

let her do that.

[MUrmillo]

Its not about giving up, its about letting her breathe. If you want her to miss you, she has to see a life without you.

Understand that you hurt her. She needs time and space to heal. By you being there, all you do is re-open wounds that should have been healed by now or on their way to being heald.

Im not saying she is never going to come back to you, but you have to let her decide on her own then pursue you. Oh, dont worry, she knows you want her.

She has to be able to go day to day and not wonder if you sent a letter explaining (again) how you feel. She does not need constant messages, she needs to grow, breathe and see what she wants.

let her do that.

 

Yes I agree with you. I will let her breathe.

 

About me hurting her... It is not so much the fact that I pushed her away when we were together that we are now not together. We were just not growing together anymore. She grew, I fell behind and by not changing that, she lost hope that I would ever change. Not saying that I have not hurt her at all of course.

 

I wish I could send you an entire document with our conversations of the last months. I think, at times, I was even being too much of a cold fish towards her. When I finally reached out to her for the first time in a long time I could feel she was glad I did (asking multiple questions, asking anoter question when I did not reply the same day, those kind of small signs). That is also why I thought she had enough space.

 

It kind of feels like a dance... One foot forward, one foot back... For some months now she had been putting feet forward and I only stepped backwards. Now I made 2 steps forward and accidentally stepped on her foot.

 

I feel a lot better today by the way

 

I still have to respond to her.

 

Just a small 'that's ok, I understand' is enough I guess?

[MissCanuck]

OP, dating should not be this complicated. When it become this strategic game of "I take one step, then she takes another, then we both step back and then we're two-stepping"...it's not working.

 

Yes, a "that's okay, I understand" is enough.

[MUrmillo]

OP, dating should not be this complicated. When it become this strategic game of "I take one step, then she takes another, then we both step back and then we're two-stepping"...it's not working.

 

Yes, a "that's okay, I understand" is enough.

 

I would like to agree and for LTR's it should definitely not be like but when it comes to attempts to re-attract someone I think it is a different story. In this topic Tired Tiger describes it better than I ever could:

 

[MUrmillo]

Would 'Ah okay, I see. Well let me know if you change your mind maybe be better? To leave on a positive note and keep the door open?

[MissCanuck]

You're over-thinking it OP.

 

Your exact wording is not going to be that closely analyzed by her. She already shut the door on meeting, so she's not going to read too much into how you respond now.

[MUrmillo]

You are completely right. Thank you for your help.

 

So I will not send the letter and go back to NC. I will keep you guys updated on my situation.

[MissCanuck]

You are completely right. Thank you for your help.

 

So I will not send the letter and go back to NC. I will keep you guys updated on my situation.

 

Just speaking from my own experience as a dumper.

 

The way my ex worded subsequent contact after the break-up didn't make any difference. My feelings were just not there. Phrasing things one way or another didn't change that.

[Elavohra]

Well, in my case I also pushed my boyfriend away unknowingly. I wasn't aware of myself/my behaviour. Never realised one day I would end up losing him.

You were supposed to accept your mistakes, you were supposed to reconcile, you were supposed to express your true feelings for her .. and you did all that. So it's time to let her go, dude. Go for complete NC. We couldn't respect their feelings when we were in a relationship at least now is the time to show them that we really do care and if they're deciding to move on, let them.

Meanwhile, let's us focus on building our lives and learn a lesson out of this. Let's accept the fact that we've lost a quality friend and a soul mate.

[No1]

I feel for you. I really do. I have been where you are. You want to keep the lines open and it scares you to cut those lines for fear that she might think if you don't have the lines of communication open that its over. That you are showing her that you don't care or want to see her. Its a huge fear that you have and so you send messages and want to let her know you still care and you rationalize it. Even a little text is a way to say that you still want "US" to happen. I have been there.

 

Letting go does not mean letting the opportunity for her to come back go. All you are doing is closing the damaged chapter and allowing a new one to form. You keep this part of her life open but she probably doesn't want to because you hurt her. She wants to forget, you keep the wound open. You give it time to close and heal, then you let her decide on her own what she wants. That's the advice you are getting.

 

No one can tell you with 100% certainty what is going to happen. But I can tell you that you decrease your odds with every letter, message, text you send her or her family. You are not letting her go to breathe. You keep that dark chapter open and I get you. That's the one connection you feel you have so you keep it alive.

 

You have said your peace, you have told her you want to be with her, now let her live, gain experience, date other guys, see new sights and let her grow and let her naturally come to you. Maybe she will and maybe she wont. You don't know that. So what you do is you yourself go out there and breathe and grow. Better yourself, accomplish your goals, date other girls and make yourself happy and place yourself in a situation that if this girl wants to come back, you can decide yes or no. Who knows, maybe by then you have met another girl (I know you think I'm crazy, but it can happen)

 

Let her go..It will be best for her and for you

[Tomthumb88]

I only read no1's input but it sounds like excellent advice to all who are having trouble letting go of an ex

[74Grfs5]

Im struggling to let go and have just read No1's reply. Super words and helpful. Excellent advice.