Am I wasting my time trying to make things work?

[penuchipup]

My boyfriend broke up with me almost a year ago. We went through a period of trying to work it out, and then not talking, to trying to work it out again. Even though we are always fighting now I don't want to give up on the possibility of being happy with him again. He keeps telling me I need to make an effort but he does nothing in return. I always text him first and try to hang out, sometimes he does but other times he's "too busy" and has an attitude about it. His best friend is also a female and he has other female friends that he hangs out with regularly. Usually he doesn't tell me about it and I find out from other people and from facebook/snapchat posts that the girls put up. He always starts to ignore my texts and phone calls when I know he is with them and blames it on something I said. Like last night I wanted to hang out but he said he was already drinking with friends, so I said "nevermind, drinking turns you into a jerk" and suggested we could still do something later if he stopped drinking for a while. His reaction was to just start ignoring me and pick up one of his female friends and start drinking with her all night, just because I "called him a jerk", when all I did was state the truth. While he was out with her, his friends wife was telling me all about how he's a liar and sleeps around with all these "friends", he denies all of it and she's now telling him she never said any of that to me. What do I do and who do I believe? Our actual relationship was so perfect and I want that back so bad.

[laylafox]

Girl I kinda went through the same thing with the last guy I was with. I also didn't put any effort, and I saw posts from his insta with girls. And I was also in denial about what he was doing even though we weren't together when I saw the posts. So your situation sounds very similar. Basically if you feel something is not right it most definitely is not. And I know you want to believe something different but what it is appearing to look like which is hanging out with girls and possibly sleeping with them is probably true. If it truly isn't he would have a conversation with you and tell you it's not what it looks like for your own peace of mind. It seems like he is checked out of working on a relationship to be honest because if you're trying and he isn't, he just doesn't give a f*ck at this point. I've been that girl to plead with him to try again and I just ended up getting really hurt and humiliated. I hope that won't happen to you. I think it's endearing that you still have hope but i can tell with certainty that you deserve way better than an who is just brushing you off. I've been there. But I also understand it's hard to accept and you wanna believe something different. But you never know maybe in the future things will be different but I think you should step back and see what he does. If he notices you're not around maybe the conversation will be what you want. Or the worst scenario is that he doesn't notice you're gone. But guys are ego centric and love having a girl in his pocket so just be careful. But like I said I think you deserve better and sometimes you gotta let people do the lame they do. You're a woman, you will be able to overcome this trapped feeling and you'll realize that working on yourself is so much better than chasing a person who doesn't know your worth.

[WombatShadow]

Sounds like he's out sowing his wild oats and expects you to be there waiting for him when he returns. I'm all for remaining in contact with an ex to try and work things out, but it has to be healthy contact. This isn't healthy for either of you.

 

My suggestion would be to tell him (in person if you can manage it, or at least over a phone call instead of via text) that you feel like you're the only one putting in any effort and that unless he agrees to actually put in effort, you are done. Don't reach out first anymore, don't keep asking after him, try to stay off his social media. Basically, he'll have to put up some effort or risk losing you entirely. If he actually wants you to stick around, he'll step up to the plate. If not, then you'll be free to move on with someone who does want to put in some effort.

 

I know it's hard to face, but your "perfect relationship" a) is over and b) probably wasn't nearly as perfect as nostalgia says it was. No relationship is perfect, and you can't just jump back into an old relationship without an awful lot of work rebuilding and fixing problems. The dynamic will be forever changed.

[MissCanuck]

Yes, you are wasting your time. You know this.

 

Why did he initially break it off?

[penuchipup]

He was stressed about other things in his life and wanted to work on himself.

[Hollyj]

It doesn't sound like his self-reflection worked.