We broke up, I got her back, but she changed

[Imalone1607310460]

Hi everyone,

 

So I and my gf were together for around 6 mo and then she broke up with me because she thought I did not commit enough and feel insecure. Then I won her back and promised I will change.

 

Before breakup she was very committed and did whatever I tell her to do. After we got back together again for around 2 months i began to notice some changes: I became the one who arranged all dates (before breakup she proposed dates too), and I got fed up because I believe both parties should do something. Last week she did not mentioned meeting at all and then on Saturday she said "don't you realize we haven't met for whole week?" and I said "yeah you noticed that too huh?" And she even did not think of seeing me next week! We had a fight for this and she said bluntly "I am only available on Tuesday or Thursday" - she dated friends before me!

 

She also became reluctant to do some things that she was willing to do before (e.g. go jogging with me), and she said she was not happy to do so, just she did not express explicitly before; she demanded more from me (e.g. she asked me to say goodnight and good morning every day - she said she and her ex-bf always did this but I NEVER had a gf who required me to do so); she became less supportive. Overall she became less enthusiastic.

 

I can think of several scenarios: (1) she is still taking time to recover to gain trust on me (2) she is taking advantage of the fact that I don't want to lose her, so she take this chance to demand as much as possible to make herself happy (3) she lost respect on me as I became too committed and care too much this time (4) she has no better options so keep me around and so she doesn't want to commit.

 

We had a fight last night, I yelled at her, she apologized for not offering to see me, but her tone was not very sincere. And I found that she checked whatsapp before our call ended - she was not paying attention to our conversation. She said basically two things: (1) she worried she can't meet my expectation (I've voiced out a few times and asked her to "contribute" more - things as trival as suggesting a restaurant for our dates can also help - she knows many great restaurants) and kept questioning herself about whether she suited me (2) she mentioned she was deeply hurt in the "first part" in the relationship. At one point she even said "Let's take a break". Today I reached out and we kinda back together.

 

I don't know if I should believe what she said. This is because she told me before she had multiple bfs in the same time when she was young, and she had a sex partner in a long-distance relationship, though she said she don't want to play around anymore and want to get serious. That kinda laid a seed of distrust in my heart, that made me reluctant to commit in the first part of our relationship and doubt what she said in the second.

 

Anyway, is it normal for a partner to change like this after reconciliation? Or was I being too sensitive?

 

How should I deal with the "new" her? complying to whatever she asks for?

 

Which scenario is the most possible one?

 

Should I tell myself just treat her like a new girl? What if I like the "old" her more?

 

How to handle the case of she lost respect on me? How to regain dominance in this relationship? I can't play the "hard to get game" as she complained me not committed enough before already.

 

 

Help!!!

[shessofly]

She is definitely not "all in". Not sure you can change that. This is a reconciliation that happened prematurely or should not have happened at all. She's still angry, is bitter toward you and doesn't see you as a priority. You can talk to her about whether she is willing to start from scratch, with both of you being fully committed to the relationship. If she's not willing, or continues to talk about how hurt she is, this is probably not the relationship for you. Sounds like you never trusted her anyway. How did reconciliation come about? She's already got one foot out the door.

[nutbrownhare]

Before breakup she was very committed and did whatever I tell her to do.

 

In a healthy adult relationship, one person does not tell the other person what to do - whether it's you or her.

 

You haven't been together very long, but long enough for the glow of romance to wear off, and it's only then that you begin to see the other person as they really are.

 

This "new her" is the real her. If you don't like her the way she is, sure, you can discuss things with her. I find it rather strange that you'd see her request that you say goodnight and good morning as a demand - and one that you don't want to fulfil. She's asking you for regular contact (which most people would see as a loving thing to do), so I wonder why you refuse this, reject her and then don't understand why she's backing off! This is just an example, but it seems that you're more interested in making sure she doesn't get her own way than you are in connecting with her. I'd start to lose my enthusiasm for a relationship like this, too!

 

And as for this...

How to regain dominance in this relationship?

 

This would be a really effective way to frighten her off for good - or any self-respecting female, come to that. If you want a loving relationship, you need to behave in a loving way yourself. Pushing your partner around will be completely counter-productive.

[boltnrun]

"Then I won her back and promised I will change."

 

What changes have you made?