My insecurities would ruin my relationship. Please help!

[Domino2012]

Hi, I think I found the person I would like to spend my life with. We met 4 months ago and he is absolutely crazy about me as i am about him. The relationship was going really well and when we r together, we do awesome stuff and we feel great.

However couple of months ago we started bickering about little things and I have been feeling really insecure and doubtful at times. It makes me desperate and needy. I don't recognise myself, i am usually really confident and positive person. I think it is all down to the fact i lack sense of self worth but i don not understand why, and where it came from.

Yesterday I hit rock bottom. He told me we won't be able to see each other cause he has to work late and for some reason my gut was saying 'He's lying because he doesn't want to spend time with you and he just wants to be on his own but is scared to tell you that'

This created doubt in my mind and I decided that the reasonable thing would be to pop up to his house and check if he's there or he's really working. So I set on my way with a massive ball in my stomach. And when I got there he was at home cooking dinner.

I was startled and when i challenged that he'd lied to me, he said he hasn't and his job got cancelled last minute (and due to the nature of his job it makes sense) and i believe him, he said he didn't lie to me because he wants to spend time with me but becase it happened last minute, he didn't want to disrupt my plans.

At that moment i felt so ashamed of myself. I hit rock bottom and looked like a fool, checking up on my bf. i have never done that before.

I don't want to be so insecure because he never gave me reason to. I just feel i am not worthy of being loved nad I constantly think he just wouldn't want to spend time with me.

If I continue feeling like that I would go mad. I'm not sure how to root out those insecurities and how to be happier. I feel completely lost and scared because if I continue like that I would loose the person i love.

Can you please advise or share how you overcame experience like that.

[Comports]

Hi. I'm no expert but I know from experience jealousy and insecurity like that is only a battle with yourself. There will not be any winners I'm afraid.

 

You have to give him the respect he deserves if he hasn't done anything to warrant the jealousy etc.

 

Ultimately there are no guarantees in life and it won't help you now but if he is meant to be with you then he will be. Your actions will likely lead to him feeling pressured and trapped which in turn will cause problems in the relationship.

 

The sad part is that the thing you are doing to try to protect the relationship could be thing that breaks it.

 

Hope it helps a little

X

[nutbrownhare]

Hi! Sorry you're going through this, but you may find the following article helpful:

 

As you're already aware, your feelings of insecurity are likely to cause the exact thing you're trying to prevent. There's nothing wrong with taking a bit of space for yourself even if you're madly in love with your partner, and it shouldn't be a problem. I'd be really freaked if a partner checked up on me like that - and that kind of behaviour WILL impact your relationship negatively. And no, it isn't reasonable, so stop telling yourself that it is.

 

You need to stop being so dependent on your boyfriend for all the good things in your life. You'll feel much less insecure if you have more contact with friends and family, and have activities of your own which you carry on without him. Otherwise, therapy will help you feel far more secure in yourself.

[SherrySher]

I agree with nutbrownhare.

 

You are getting far too caught up in this man and you need to step away. As for your insecurities, you need to sort that out or it will ruin your relationship. You can try therapy if you feel you can't do it on your own.

[Andrina]

First off, you're already projecting a lifetime with a man who you've only spent the honeymoon period with. You've barely scratched the surface of who this guy is. Settle your brain and have a day by day, wait and see attitude. You pick a good risk for your heart, a guy with a good relationship history (hasn't cheated on anyone--capable of a longterm relationship, no deal breakers or red flags).

 

Like others have said, have a fulfilling life outside of a man with hobbies and friends, so that the if the relationship ends, it's not the end of the world. It's merely a risk that didn't pan out. With hobbies and time spent with friends, your partner also won't feel smothered because you're an independent and interesting woman who will share your joy with him, instead of him being the sole source of your joy.

 

At the very least, I would read books and articles on improving your self esteem. Even better is seeing a psychologist, and then I'd tell your bf that you realize you have a problem, apologize for your behavior, and tell him you're seeking counseling to fix that issue. Hopefully, he will give you a chance to prove that you've actually changed from a quivering, clingy mess to a confident, easy going woman.

 

Realize that worrying about and checking up on someone cheating or not loving you or leaving you is pointless. Put it in your head that you are the treasure, and you will let a person stay in your life if they are worthy of you. A person cannot keep secrets for long, and if they are not right for you, the secret will emerge without you having to look. And if a person starts ignoring you or not treating you right, you can communicate your wishes for improvement and if they care, they will improve. If they don't care, you break up because you deserve better. The only control you have is to be the best gf you can be, and let the cards fall where they may. You are strong enough to handle anything. Take care.

[Domino2012]

Thanks Andrina,

 

I know four months is such a short space of time but I can tell i have found in that person someone worthy of being my life partner. He grounds me and makes me happy (when my mind is not poisoned with insecurities at least). But you are right about approaching life on a day to day basis. I need to think more from this perspective.

I did approach counsilor and i would start the sessions in 10days time and i hope that would help me move in the right direction. When I acted so stupidly yesterday I came completely honest with him and opened up about the way I feel and the fact I realise i have insecurities and that they are not rooted towards him but rather inside me. I said I would understand if he wants to end the relationship but that I would hope he would find the strength to walk to road with me and help and support me to change. I realise my flaws but never before been so ready and willing to change myself. I want to change for myself because if not I will go insane. It is really unhealthy place to be and I can't afford to lose such a good relationship.

I would try and focus more on the self love aspect of it. I definitely need to remind myself daily that i am worthy and i am valuable and a catch. I think this is in the foundation of being secure and confident and I don't do enough of it for sure. I am genuinely very caring and loving and positive, but lately have felt like i am poisoned.

He said he doesn't want us to break up, but that there's loads going on in his mind as a result and he needs some time to reflect and think about the situation.

I have left it in his hands at the moment and I do hope he'll come around sooner rather than later, but he's free to take all the time he needs. It's just the waiting that feels like torture but i guess in an essence this is my punishment for acting like a needy teenager yesterday.

[SooSad33]

I think I found the person I would like to spend my life with. We met 4 months ago and he is absolutely crazy about me as i am about him.

- You've only known each other 4 months! You have NO idea if this is the one for you yet. This is the Honeymoon stage... give it another 6 mos.. or year. See how it is then...

 

YOU lack sense of self worth.. causing you to be insecure and needy... Not good.

 

Even if he did want to spend time on his own.. so what? He is allowed. Everyone needs their own time, outside the relationship.

 

With YOUR insecurities, if you dont deal with this, it WILL end your relationships.

 

First off... if he says he's not able to spend all his time with you, Respect that. Dont push his buttons & assume bad things.

 

Second, I suggest some prof help- therapy to work on YOU.

 

Maybe... you're not that ready to be involved at this time?