Help her understand why I don't trust her and should i stay or go?

[Tjackman]

My fiancee recently revealed she had been in a 26 year affair which transcended every relationship since she was in her early 20's including 2 marriages.

 

Her revealing this truth made me recognize she had been telling me some of the same lies she had used to hoodwink her former husbands and boyfriends.

 

She is now hurt because I do not want to be in a relationship with her and is having a dificult time understanding why I think it would take a good while before I can trust her.

 

My feelings go back and forth between two (2) camps. Leave and don't look back or take some time to learn to trust her and try again.

 

Your thoughts on things that might help her understand why it would take a good while I before trust her and advice on me staying or going.

[Dahl]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this - what a tremendous blow!

 

I'm at a complete loss as to why she is confused that her long-term affair causes doubt about her trustworthiness and (my words) character, in general. Can you elaborate? What is her reasoning as to why this should not be telling / an issue?

[Starlight925]

When did she tell you about the affair?

 

How long have you been together?

 

When did the affair end? Or did it?

[reinventmyself]

This may be in the past but she needs to realize that those of us who's moral compass would not allow us to do such a thing typically don't want to risk getting involved with those that can.

 

The fact that she's 'hurt?' suggests that feels slighted some how?

Actions have consequences.

She should feel remorse and maybe some disappointment.

Feeling hurt suggests she doesn't quite take responsibility for her actions.

She's shown you want she's capable of.

Pass!

[Tjackman]

She claims since the fella was her best friend she did not think of the sex part when she said they only traveled as friends, it wasn't a lie. This part in the story is when I want to walk out abruptly and not think twice.

 

She thinks it should not be an issue because, she loves me more than anyone ever and truly wants to be different (another bit I have a hard time buying).

[Tjackman]

2 weeks ago. 6 months. According to her 8 months ago, but they exchanged messages one month ago.

[Starlight925]

2 weeks ago. 6 months. According to her 8 months ago, but they exchanged messages one month ago.

 

She's been exchanging messages with this guy as recently as one month ago? And that's what she told you. It could be one day ago, and she could have been with him yesterday.

 

I'm so sorry, but this woman is showing you loud and clear who she is.

[Iggy5129]

This plus the fact that she has had two marriages before make her seem like a bad candidate for marriage. Do you want to be ex husband number three?

[reinventmyself]

 

She thinks it should not be an issue because, she loves me more than anyone ever and truly wants to be different (another bit I have a hard time buying).

Think about it. . Don't we pretty much go into every new relationship saying 'This one's different' And 'This one is the one!!?

We do, or we wouldn't be putting ourselves out there.

No doubt she felt that way, at least about her last husband or she wouldn't have married him, Right?

But you're different? (Not to take anything away from your value, just making a point)

 

Sooo, setting 'the exception' to the side, is this a risk you want take?

Seeing their contact is still recent and more than 2 decades and 2 marriages later, do you believe you'll be the exception?

'Best predictor of future behaviour is past behavior'

[MissCanuck]

This woman is so full of malarkey her eyes are floating. She isn't relationship material, let alone wife material. She sucks at marriage.

 

Time to jump ship before you become Ex-Husband Number Three.

[Giblesp]

My fiancee recently revealed she had been in a 26 year affair which transcended every relationship since she was in her early 20's including 2 marriages.

 

Her revealing this truth made me recognize she had been telling me some of the same lies she had used to hoodwink her former husbands and boyfriends.

 

She is now hurt because I do not want to be in a relationship with her and is having a dificult time understanding why I think it would take a good while before I can trust her.

 

My feelings go back and forth between two (2) camps. Leave and don't look back or take some time to learn to trust her and try again.

 

Your thoughts on things that might help her understand why it would take a good while I before trust her and advice on me staying or going.

 

 

My friend,

 

Run to the hills and don't look back.