Arrrghh! My ex wants me back now I'm seeing someone else?!

[troutboy]

Man my life gets more interesting by the day! To cut a long story short, I was with a woman I really loved for 12 months, we were both in relationships when we met, but we defied the odds and made a go of it - we also work together, things were good.

 

We broke up mostly because I was jealous of the huge amount of contact she had with her ex and the final straw was her going away with him (as friends) although we technically we'rent together at the time. We just have soooo much love and attraction to each other... even still. I've just done about 3 weeks of no contact with her, it was really good for me and her.

 

Anyway I recently met someone else, I told my ex, as I didn't want her to hear from anyone else (we work together remember). Anyway this week we have exchanged a few emails, shes been really down and recently quite sick, but keeping her head high. We've had a few laughs and just done our normal staring into each others eyes for ages! The new girl is soooo lovely but my ex is holding me back from it all.... I still love her to bits! And want to be with her!

 

The ex came over last night to pick something up, we sat and talked for 4 hours, she was really down, and started crying about how stuffed up she has made everything, admitting her friendship with her ex has blown any chance her and I had (this was VERY hard for her to say), saying her life was crap etc. etc. and she will always love me, doesn't know where she wants to live - she is from (England). My ex is beautiful, model material and I melt when I look at her, it was soooo hard... BUT... I held my head high and pretended all was great in my life, which it sort of is.

 

I walked her to her car and we hugged and cried together more, she hates I am seeing someone else, she never cries and was crying ALOT! Then we had a couple of really nice short kisses and tight cuddles. But all the while I still maintained I was happy with my life at the moment and everything was good - but the reality is I would love to have her back in my life... I'm soooo confused!!! Do I have a shot with my ex again, I cannot really give 100% to the new girl as I am constantly thinking about the ex...

 

I want her back - do I have a chance - what tactics???

[MetallicAguy]

I think you have a shot with your ex, the new girl...well it's either her or the ex. But yeah, there's definitely a shot with the ex. Tactics? What do you mean?

[shockeddismayed]

I dunno...

 

The only thing I got from your description of your Ex is that she is confused and didn't like seeing you with this new girl.

 

I'd limit my contact with EX until she steps up and swings. I particularly didn't like her "I know I screwed things up with the other guy". If she is so sure of that, how come she didn't ask to get back together with you? Was it because you agreed she screwed up? If not, then I think that it's complete B S. She is using it as an excuse to not try and to further her own unhappiness.... such a "woe is me" attitude.

 

My ex pulled that same junk, and whenever I called her on it, like by saying "yeah, it would be hard to forgive, but it could work if we're both committed", she'd just back off and hide again.

 

I think she was just testing you... you passed the test (although I hope you didn't tell her you were happy with the new girl... that's a no-no).

 

Continue NC... let the Ex initiate if she wants to. Make her prove her intentions... heck, let's at least have her SAY her intentions before you go re-arranging things for her.

 

As for the current girl... your obligation to her (at the moment) is to give her a fair chance under the assumption that your EX is NOT interested in you seriously. So keep dating her as long as you think there is a possibility that you might want to be with her. If not, break it off like you would with any other girl. Basically... pretend the ex does not exist and behave how you would with any new girl... is there "girlfriend" potential?

 

My guess is that things with the new girl will not work out, regardless of the EX, simply because you aren't entirely emotionally available to her right now, so you can't fall in love. Perhaps with time and taking it slow though, you can both surprise each other.

 

Good luck.

[lady00]

Why do you want to go back to a relationship that failed? I think that is the bottom line. If you feel that you would be going back for the right reasons (because you love her and feel that she is the one for you) and not because you were with her before and she is what is familiar to you. If you can guarantee that the reasons you broke up are no longer issues and that you really want to be with her over the new person then go for it...but you should really think about what you're getting yourself into...getting back with an ex is WORK. Make sure that is what you really want.

As for tactics...why do you need any? You say your ex-gf was crying and wants you back...so why can't you just tell her you want to work things out. Tactics to me border too much on game-playing. Just be honest. Personally I don't believe in tactics but that's just me...others might have better ideas.

[shockeddismayed]

Maybe we need a bit more detail on what you said to ex, and what she said to you?

 

I think she's fishing (no pun intended).... but it could just be how you described things.

[chai714]

A prime example of human nature - wanting what we can't have. You drove your price up when you seemingly became less available with the possibility of not being available at all. Humans in general don't like it when they have options that are taken away, including going back to a worthy ex.

 

Do you have a shot with her? Of course. She goes to you for emotional fulfillment. Should you take her back right now? NO. That's a big no. Humans tend to value things which we have to work for. What is worth more - a boy who saved his money from mowing lawns all summer who saves every penny to buy that bicycle? Or the child who is given that same bike because he wanted it?

 

I think dating both of them would be something you should consider right now. Let her know you like spending time with her and enjoy this situation, as it's not often you get to date two females who both have high interest in you. You'll naturally choose the woman who fulfills your own emotions. Unfortunately, you can only have one in the end, but you don't need to make that decision today, or anytime soon.

[lady00]

How about taking some time off from both of these women and giving yourself space to think about what you want? The danger in this is that one of both of them may not have the patience to wait...but it's perhaps a good way to tackle this problem and sort out your feelings. Generally, when people break up, the reasons for it are good and you're best of moving on and getting into new relationships down the line but you may have jumped the gun and started seeing someone before you were truly over your ex so now you need to figure out whether it's really a good idea to go back to her rather than moving on w/the new girl.

[shockeddismayed]

Not to sound cold... I don't think he needs to take time off from the new girl unless he REALLY wants to.

 

I mean many of us here have been in LONG TERM relationships that didn't work out... we feel terrible, but in the end we recover.

 

This new girl is an adult too... she can take a bit of disappointment if things don't work out... it isn't like she's invested years.

 

All he owes her is honesty... that means:

1) Getting out if he feels he's not going to be emotionally available to her now or in the near future....

2) If he's already told her they are exclusive, he needs to honour it, talk to her about it, or end it.

3) If he hasn't told her they are exclusive and he plans to see what's up with the EX (or anyone else for that matter), he should keep things casual enough that she doesn't get the wrong idea.

4) If he doesn't see a future with her he should end it.

 

Troutboy... if you ask me, you should do nothing about either girl until the effect of this recent contact by the EX is a little bit more distant. You need some perspective.

 

But I agree with everyone else... there (unfortunately) is a HIGH probability that she is just testing to see if you are still an option for her. I'd say 2/3 of these types of contacts are just testing the waters, or due to the emotional impact and loneliness of the breakup.... you need to see what she does next.

[Hope75]

Well....

 

I have to say that if you are as attached to the ex as you say than you really can't give the new girl much of a fair chance, now can you?

 

To be fair to her, maybe you should break it off and then talk to the ex and see where that goes.

 

It could just be the your ex is in the mode of "not wanting you herself but not wanting you with someone else either", a weird and difficult but not altogether rare state of mind.

 

Anyway, I think it would be most fair to let the new girl go, and then talk with your ex and see where she stands, but be aware that she may not really want you back, and you could end up alone, which in your case might be better until you put more time and distance between you and your ex.

[apollocreed71]

From what I read, you started talking to your ex when you were both in relationships. and now you are in another relationship and are considering getting back with the ex. You and the ex deserve each other. Let this new girl find a worthy guy. If you and the ex keep falling for other people while you are together, your relationship is going to be really strong...being sarcastic.

[justsweetgirl]

When I am confused, I take a step back and try looking at the situation from all angles before doing anything rash that can't be undone later. And I love the person more for what's inside, not outside.

[troutboy]

I dunno...

 

The only thing I got from your description of your Ex is that she is confused and didn't like seeing you with this new girl.

 

I'd limit my contact with EX until she steps up and swings. I particularly didn't like her "I know I screwed things up with the other guy". If she is so sure of that, how come she didn't ask to get back together with you? Was it because you agreed she screwed up? If not, then I think that it's complete B S. She is using it as an excuse to not try and to further her own unhappiness.... such a "woe is me" attitude.

 

You are right on this, I think she really is confused, she has started also hanging out with really young guys (as friends) alot, it's confusing me as she has never been like this (she is 34). I saw her on Friday night at work drinks and she was all super friendly again - I think she wanted to come out with me and my friends to celebrate my birthday. I also rang he on Saturday to chat and she was all matey and adamant again we were just mates, but she didn't want me to loose the feelings I had for her and that me still loving her and her loving me is not fair to the new girl? - I don't know what she is playing at to be honest. She also keeps telling me it's hard seeing me blah, blah... but she constantly emails little nothings to make contact? Thanks for your insight.

[lady00]

Wait, let me get this straight. She doesn't want to be with you but she doens't want your feelings for her to fade and she doesn't want you to be with anyone else. Cut her off! She's playing games with you. She isn't interested in a relationship but she likes getting attention from you. Forget her and focus on your new gf. If she emails you little nothings just to make contact, ignore them. If you continue to interact with her, your new relationship will suffer and you ex will get exactly what she wants and I can almost guarantee that when she starts dating someone new, she won't pay any mind to you.

[cassiana]

I think the answer to this lies with some of the things you haven't revealed. For instance the nature of the relationships you were bothi n when you two met.

She returned top that Ex and lost interest. Couldn't she do the same to you again?

And how long were you with the ex you broke up to be with her.

What is the appeal of this Ex? Is it her looks?

 

i reckon she needs time to think and you should keep your own counsel for awhile.

[troutboy]

Well... things are good and bad... I have called it off with the new girl as I couldn'y give her 100% because of the feelings I still feel for the ex and it wasn't fair on her.

 

The ex and I caught up last night for a drink, I wanted to be happy and not talk about her and I but she seemed to want to reminisse about the good times we had, she was flirty, the evening was fantastic, we got a bit drunk and ended up sleeping together... I lost count of the number of times she said she loved me, over and over and over again, missing me etc. It was really nice.

 

She is hanging in limbo as to whether stay in town or move away, her ex is wanting her to move down to him, she was considering it but she says she doesn't love him like that - only as a great friend. She still says her and I are not compatible (I think we are) but I am the only one to ever treat her so good and love her. Apparently she said she was even harping on to her ex about all the great times her and I shared.

 

I know sleeping with the ex is not a good idea, but it happenend and it was nice - I hope we can get through this, I'd love to have her back in my life and this is a strong indication of her feelings I feel? I definatley need to be on my own for a while and I told her this last night. I really don't feel she is playing games with me, she just isn't like that. I think I need to give her space still? She is going down to stay with her ex and his family this weekend for his 30th birthday, I'm not too worried anymore, she was in tears again last night stating they are, and have only ever been best of friends. Do I keep in contact or give her space?

 

Thankyou

[lady00]

If she and the ex are just friends why was she considering moving to be closer to him and why was she going to spend his bday with him and his family? "Just friends," especially exes don't do that...they send a card. She has told you that you two are incompatible...I don't know but to me it seems like she's doing things to indicate that she doesn't want to be with you. I'm not trying to be mean but I just think you should be very careful in this situation and try to guard your feelings. Perhaps I am just a very skeptical person but she seems to be giving you mixed signals...saying you're incompatible yet sleeping with you...and the whole ex thing just seems weird to me.